Stuck on next

[Liam123]

Hi all, I hope I'm posting in the right place here. (Title's messed up; should read 'stuck on what to do next'.)

 

Me and my ex were together for eight months; from May '14 to a fortnight ago. The first five or six months were wonderful (obviously a few little minor arguments here and there but nothing major) but then things started to go downhill after we had a huge argument, around two months ago. We 'made up' and we still saw each other after it, had sex etc. but somehow it just wasn't the same, and my ex began making excuses not to see me and not to talk. On 4 January she said she 'needed time apart' because she 'didn't know what she wanted anymore', and told me not to contact her until she contacted me. Obviously I was a bit upset but I begrudgingly accepted. Twelve days later, I decided to write what I thought was a very nice letter about how good our relationship had been and could be (I realise now this was probably a bad move), how much I loved her, etc. She ignored it, and that pissed me off. Eventually, after about two or three messages from me asking her to respond, she said, quite bluntly: 'this relationship is ****, let's be honest. I dunno if I could even call it a relationship anymore; all we do is fight.' (Not physically, obviously, just verbally; basically every conversation from NYE to 4 Jan was an argument, and we had an uncomfortable amount in December too. Thing is, nearly all of our arguments were SO petty, and even the huge one in November was over something quite small, although I can't remember what it was since I deleted the conversation, the quotes are paraphrases from memory.)

 

It took her about half an hour but eventually she got round to it and dumped me, just like that, over text. Obviously this enraged me, and I demanded to know why she couldn't have done it face to face or at least via phone call; she said 'it'd have been too hard for me to do it that way.' Now, perhaps unsurprisingly, I resorted to the begging and pleading (she was insistent it couldn't work and I was (and am) insistent that it could. Our issues are easily resolvable.) but eventually gave up.

 

I did six days of NC until she messaged me asking me to change my FB relationship status (although she hadn't changed hers and didn't until today) and telling me that 'we need to stop pretending we're still in a relationship'. I ignored her, which I was quite proud of. Eight days later, today, she messages me informing me that she was going to change her status. Why she felt the need to tell me this I have no idea. What baffles me more however is the fact I replied. My first answer was 'okay, whatever, bye', and I was about to turn my phone off when she replied saying 'that's rude'. This riled me slightly, because of the callous way she broke my heart, and we ended up having a bit of a row, where she said things like 'I've moved on, I'm happier now than I have been for ages'; 'I don't miss you' and 'I'd be happy if I never saw you again.' She also said that she doesn't want to look me in the eye (the day she contacted me the first time, I walked past her in the street and she averted her eyes).

 

Personally I think that her statements about not missing me are lies, or she's at least exaggerating. I asked my dad advice and he said that I was damned stupid for replying (which I 100% agree with). I had set about doing NC in a bid to win her back and it was working okay until I decided to message her. Now I am stuck. I still want her back, because I know our relationship can work, but I'm at a crossroads because I don't know if she was lying or telling the truth. About an hour ago I 'aquired' the EX squared system by Matt Huston and it gives some good advice but I'm struggling to adapt it to my situation. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

Is she lying? It has only been two weeks after all. Does her messaging me over trivial things such as FB statuses mean anything? I dunno, I'm a rookie on these things.

 

Thanks for reading

 

P.S. I keep getting temptations to message her on FB or WhatsApp, telling her that I agree with her decision and to wish her well. But a) would this help me to get her back? and b) TBH I acted quite bitter earlier, over the way she dumped me, but would she believe me? (To clarify: I DO agree with her decision inasmuch as I think time apart would do us good, and I am beginning to accept the possibility I might never see her again, which is bloody hard.)

 

P.P.S. If anyone asks, I want her back because I love her to bits; we made each other so happy; and the fact nearly all of our rows were over stupid things makes me think they can be easily solved.

Edited January 31, 2015 by Liam123

[Satu]

It would best for you to proceed under the assumption that it's permanently over.

 

That way you can centre your attention on yourself, without being distracted by the possibility of reconciliation.

 

Make yourself the centre of your life. Improve yourself in ways that make you feel good about yourself.

 

In the meantime, NC.

[NopeNah]

Delete her from your life and vanish!

[Liam123]

Thanks for the replies guys.

 

I did forget to mention that she said we cannot be friends the night she dumped me, and repeated it earlier. IMO it's because we care too much about each other to be friends, but I can't remember what her reason was exactly. So I dunno if this is a good or bad thing in regards to me hopefully getting her back.

 

What about my temptation to message her for closure? Good or bad idea for what I ultimately want? I seriously haven't got a clue haha.

[dyna85]

Without knowing what the argument was about 2 months ago, I say give her what she asked for and disappear.

 

People say things they don't mean in the heat of the moment, which seems to be what is going on here with your ex, but I seriously think you need a break from the madness and you would do yourself a world of good to break off communication for at least a while. I don't think you should message her to tell her you agree with her decision because in reality, you don't agree with it. You didn't want it to end. She made the choice, so let her live with it. You seem like a very caring person who tried to make it work, but she wasn't having it. She chose to cut off communication and end the relationship rather than work it out with you, so your best bet at this point is to let go and march ahead as best you can.

 

Honestly, she sounds far from over you because her latest responses seem to be full of emotion. However, you both don't seem to be on the same page right now and she did end the relationship, so I would think it would be up to her to try to make amends, if she wants to move past the petty nonsense.

Then again, I don't know what the argument was about 2 months back, and it sounds like her fury stems from that, so my advice is based on a limited snapshot of everything.

[Liam123]

Without knowing what the argument was about 2 months ago, I say give her what she asked for and disappear.

 

People say things they don't mean in the heat of the moment, which seems to be what is going on here with your ex, but I seriously think you need a break from the madness and you would do yourself a world of good to break off communication for at least a while. I don't think you should message her to tell her you agree with her decision because in reality, you don't agree with it. You didn't want it to end. She made the choice, so let her live with it. You seem like a very caring person who tried to make it work, but she wasn't having it. She chose to cut off communication and end the relationship rather than work it out with you, so your best bet at this point is to let go and march ahead as best you can.

 

Honestly, she sounds far from over you because her latest responses seem to be full of emotion. However, you both don't seem to be on the same page right now and she did end the relationship, so I would think it would be up to her to try to make amends, if she wants to move past the petty nonsense.

Then again, I don't know what the argument was about 2 months back, and it sounds like her fury stems from that, so my advice is based on a limited snapshot of everything.

 

Thank you

 

I think I was a little too caring during the relationship and she did tell me that I was clingy and controlling, but I can honestly say, and I told her, that that was not in any way my intention.

 

And I can hardly remember exactly what it was about either, but I can remember what happened during it: we both got a bit mad and I hit the bed in frustration. But I think her reason for ending it is that she felt trapped, which makes me feel bad because I didn't mean for her to feel that way; I just wanted her to feel loved and cared for.

 

Yet another thing I forgot to add: during the conversation earlier, she did say things to the effect of 'I dumped you, get over it.' which seemed a bit frank to me.

Edited January 31, 2015 by Liam123

[Satu]

Yet another thing I forgot to add: during the conversation earlier, she did say things to the effect of 'I dumped you, get over it.' which seemed a bit frank to me.

 

Take her at her word, and let her live with it.

 

No contact.

 

You'll be fine.

[Cedar27]

Listen to her words carefully. She does not want to be friends, does not want you to contact her, and pretty much wants to be left alone from you.

 

Can I say with certainty you and her will never be together again? Of course not.

 

But if you keep bugging her you will ruin any chance of that happening.

 

In the meantime, get out and get a life again without her. As time passes and she sees you haven't contacted her, she may realize you are taking it well and may even give you a second look. Maybe.

 

Get your confidence back man. It is not an attractive quality to be bugging someone and asking for closure, when it's pretty damn clear they don't even want to be contacted by you. You will only have closure when you are on your death bed. Nothing is for certain.

 

If it makes you feel any better, people do get back together. Even when people say "Don't ever contact me again", "I don't love you anymore", etc. But there needs to be a cooling off period so she can forget all the negative memories. If you keep hanging around that won't ever happen, especially since every time you initiate contact it just reminds her of your neediness, dependence, and overall negativity. Don't become "that guy".

 

It might be easier if you just say for now "I won't contact her for one month, then i'll reevaluate". Don't just do this and then contact her in a month, but just set that goal for yourself. Break it down into chunks. You might be surprised, as time goes on and she sees you are out of her life for good…she may just reach out to you. But don't hang your hat on this.

Edited January 31, 2015 by Cedar27

[Liam123]

Listen to her words carefully. She does not want to be friends, does not want you to contact her, and pretty much wants to be left alone from you.

 

Can I say with certainty you and her will never be together again? Of course not.

 

But if you keep bugging her you will ruin any chance of that happening.

 

In the meantime, get out and get a life again without her. As time passes and she sees you haven't contacted her, she may realize you are taking it well and may even give you a second look. Maybe.

 

Get your confidence back man. It is not an attractive quality to be bugging someone and asking for closure, when it's pretty damn clear they don't even want to be contacted by you. You will only have closure when you are on your death bed. Nothing is for certain.

 

If it makes you feel any better, people do get back together. Even when people say "Don't ever contact me again", "I don't love you anymore", etc. But there needs to be a cooling off period so she can forget all the negative memories. If you keep hanging around that won't ever happen, especially since it is going against her wishes. Don't become "that guy".

 

It might be easier if you just say for now "I won't contact her for one month, then i'll reevaluate". Don't just do this and then contact her in a month, but just set that goal for yourself. Break it down into chunks. You might be surprised, as time goes on and she sees you are out of her life for good…she may just reach out to you. But don't hang your hat on this.

 

I didn't talk to her for two weeks; that was a monumental achievement for me; and then today (yesterday, as it's nearly two in the morning haha) she messages me and I stupidly, spontaneously decide to reply. If I was to ever send the closure message I wouldn't say anything else.

 

From what I know of her she's testing me, testing how long I can last, because as I said, she said I was clingy. I'd like to think that if I don't contact her for a bit she'll message me again, but maybe she won't, I dunno. At the moment I'm gonna leave it and see what happens. As for myself, well, I'm gonna throw myself into my two big passions: literature and music. They have helped me a lot (apart from songs that remind me of her obviously).

[Cedar27]

I didn't talk to her for two weeks; that was a monumental achievement for me; and then today (yesterday, as it's nearly two in the morning haha) she messages me and I stupidly, spontaneously decide to reply. If I was to ever send the closure message I wouldn't say anything else.

 

From what I know of her she's testing me, testing how long I can last, because as I said, she said I was clingy. I'd like to think that if I don't contact her for a bit she'll message me again, but maybe she won't, I dunno. At the moment I'm gonna leave it and see what happens. As for myself, well, I'm gonna throw myself into my two big passions: literature and music. They have helped me a lot (apart from songs that remind me of her obviously).

 

I don't know if i'd chalk it up to "testing" honestly with absolute certainty. Everyone is different. What did she say in the text and how did you respond?

[Satu]

At the moment I'm gonna leave it and see what happens. As for myself, well, I'm gonna throw myself into my two big passions: literature and music. They have helped me a lot (apart from songs that remind me of her obviously).

 

Thats the way to go.

 

Do what makes you feel good.

[Liam123]

I don't know if i'd chalk it up to "testing" honestly. Everyone is different. What did she say in the text and how did you respond?

 

Which text exactly?

[Cedar27]

Which text exactly?

 

The most recent one, where she reached out to you after you went NC for two weeks.

[Liam123]

The most recent one, where she reached out to you after you went NC for two weeks.

 

Well, first she messaged me six days after we split, asking me to change my profile picture (which was of me and her and is now just of me) and my relationship status (which she didn't change till earlier on). I ignored those.

 

Earlier she messages me saying 'Just thought I'd let you know that I'm gonna change my relationship status now'. I said 'Okay, whatever, bye', and I meant to turn my phone off when she messaged me again; in hindsight I should've turned it off anyway but I didn't and we ended up having a small row where she ends up declaring she doesn't want to see me again.

[Cedar27]

Well, first she messaged me six days after we split, asking me to change my profile picture (which was of me and her and is now just of me) and my relationship status (which she didn't change till earlier on). I ignored those.

 

Earlier she messages me saying 'Just thought I'd let you know that I'm gonna change my relationship status now'. I said 'Okay, whatever, bye', and I meant to turn my phone off when she messaged me again; in hindsight I should've turned it off anyway but I didn't and we ended up having a small row where she ends up declaring she doesn't want to see me again.

 

Oh, ok I see. Well it's crystal clear buddy. Unless she messages you again with kind words, or a desire to meet up/reconcile/chat, I would not even respond at this point to those kinds of statements. She's been on the defense this whole time, with you reaching out to her, her being the one angry and you trying to make things work….now put the shoe on the other foot and allow her to play some offense for once.

 

I do think it's kind of intriguing that she is texting you to tell her she's changing her relationship status. For someone who wants to have no communication, her reaching out to you to tell you something you don't really need to know is telling. Either she is still angry and wants to punish you, or this is her way from keeping you around because she's scared of losing you for good, OR she doesn't know what the hell she wants and is in a state of confusion.

Edited January 31, 2015 by Cedar27

[Liam123]

Oh, ok I see. Well it's crystal clear buddy. Unless she messages you again with kind words, or a desire to meet up/reconcile/chat, i'd just not even respond at this point to those kinds of statements. Your'e doing the right thing. She's been on the defense this whole time, with you reaching out to her, now put the shoe on the other foot and allow her to play some offense for once.

 

I do think it's kind of intriguing that she is texting you to tell her she's changing her relationship status.For someone who wants to have no communication, her reaching out to you to tell you something you don't really need to know is telling. Either she is still angry and wants to punish you, or this is her way from keeping you around because she's scared of losing you for good, OR she doesn't know what the hell she wants and is in a state of confusion.

 

I know; I'd have found out anyway. It was also intriguing that she asked me to change mine (which I didn't; I just hid it) but it takes her eight days after that to change (or hide) hers.

 

As I said, I think she texted me to get a response. And unfortunately, because of a split-second decision on my part, she got it.

 

EDIT: Sorry, I responded before you edited your post. TBH it could be any of those three, but even after what she did I don't think she'd punish me per se.

 

All it proves really is that women are, to us men, impossible to figure out

Edited January 31, 2015 by Liam123

[Liam123]

Another thing: On Wednesday she changed her WhatsApp status to 'never been happier'. Yes, I know I shouldn't be looking, and I'm considering making a note of her number and deleting it. But I wonder if that status was aimed at me. I dunno, I'm told I read too much into things

[Cedar27]

Another thing: On Wednesday she changed her WhatsApp status to 'never been happier'. Yes, I know I shouldn't be looking, and I'm considering making a note of her number and deleting it. But I wonder if that status was aimed at me. I dunno, I'm told I read too much into things

 

Listen, if there was any good in your relationship, meaning a significant mutual attraction and connection, she is definitely NOT "happier than ever". That's likely a bunch of BS. She's probably hurting as much as you, but some people like the outside world to think everything is fine and dandy.

 

She may be on an emotional high right now with her newfound freedom, and when that honeymoon phase is over she'll come crashing down. You two could just be in different stages of grief. The dumper often feels the pain later on.

[Liam123]

Listen, if there was any good in your relationship, meaning a significant mutual attraction and connection, she is definitely NOT "happier than ever". That's likely a bunch of BS. She's probably hurting as much as you, but some people like the outside world to think everything is fine and dandy.

 

She may be on an emotional high right now with her newfound freedom, and when that honeymoon phase is over she'll come crashing down. You two could just be in different stages of grief. The dumper often feels the pain later on.

 

I know it's a lie; I knew immediately that it was a lie, just like I think her statements from earlier about moving on and not missing me are lies. But I think it was aimed at me, to try to make me think she's moved on.

[Liam123]

I know I shouldn't be looking but I checked her Whatsapp profile (bangs head) and her status is 'I'm fed up of life'. Considering that five days ago it was 'happier than ever before', this has intrigued me. Why would it change so quickly? Am I reading too much into this or not? I blocked her on Whatsapp BTW, so even if she's sent any messages I haven't got them and won't get them.

 

I really must stop myself looking at her social media. But I've been doing okay; I've rediscovered some metal music (second favourite genre) that I haven't heard in ages and it's really got my spirits up.

[Liam123]

Her best friend has just contacted me on Facebook to ask how college is. Do I reply or not?

[Mi7522]

Her best friend has just contacted me on Facebook to ask how college is. Do I reply or not?

 

Sure why not but make sure it is a very vague response. Something like "Things are good, I'm really enjoying school. Thanks for asking"

[Liam123]

Sure why not but make sure it is a very vague response. Something like "Things are good, I'm really enjoying school. Thanks for asking"

 

I find it extremely interesting that her best friend HAS contacted me. If I was to put what you said, should I then end the 'conversation'?

[Mi7522]

I find it extremely interesting that her best friend HAS contacted me. If I was to put what you said, should I then end the 'conversation'?

 

You're over thinking things, think of it as one of your buddies asking you how school is how would you respond? I wouldn't say anything more than that if her friend responds who cares. Are you close to this friend? If not then be as vague and aloof as possible

[Simon Phoenix]

Way too much overthinking going on. Stop checking up with her on social media and stop thinking that everything is some sort of slow set of dominos that are falling that will end in you being reconciled. If she really wants to, you won't have to analyze it and do mental gymnastics. You'll know.

 

So stop with all of the social media stalking, stop trying to figure out the secret combination to unlock the vault. It's time to remove yourself from the situation and get your head straight.