I'm so lost ~Sorry this is so long!~

[embracing_defeat]

I've been married to my high school sweetheart for a year and half, but we've been together in some way for about 18 years. I'm 31. My husband dropped out of college when he was 20 years old, but about 3 years ago he got recruited by a really good university in NYC to get a second chance at completing his bachelor's degree. We live in central Jersey, so he's been commuting to the city every day and this is his last semester before graduating.

 

On November 20, my husband told me he was going out drinking with some friends from work, but he'd be coming home later that night. He never made it home. I thought he just had too much to drink and crashed at a friend's house. Well, the next day I sent him a joke text asking him if he cheated on me. I was completely and utterly floored when his answer was, "kinda". He told me that he had gotten really drunk at the bar and started making out with an acquaintance. He said that as soon as he realized what was happening he broke off the kiss and left the bar. I wanted to believe him, but I knew in my heart that things weren't completely adding up. Well, a few weeks later on December 14, I was asking my husband a question when a text popped up on his phone. Reading the text message, I knew. I knew there was more to the story. The text was from a co-worker he's mentioned to me before, but her text was about how she doesn't believe in marriage, blah blah. I grabbed his phone and started sobbing uncontrollably. Eventually he told me that he got black out drunk on November 20 and ended up sleeping with her. He spent the night in her dorm room. She's 22! He's 32! He said he tried to tell me, but he got so scared because I said that if it was more than a kiss I'd divorce him on the spot. He still says to this day that he doesn't really know what happened or how they ended up sleeping together, but he had no intentions of doing it and immediately regretted it.

 

He says that she actually reached out to him a few days after they slept together asking him if he knew what happened because she didn't remember. He says she actually told him that she had been rapped twice before and so she was trying to figure out what happened to her. So, somehow after that conversation of trying to piece together their memories of the night, they became "really close friends". That's the way my husband described it. Well, I read nearly all of their text messages to each other, and they were more than just friends. They were flirting the whole time and she was clearly coming on to him every step of the way. He would vent about the arguments he and I were having to her! Asking her for advice! They both swear they only slept together that one night and that they just became friends out of trying to figure out what happened. I told him that I was not at all comfortable with their "friendship" and asked him to break it off with her. Well, eventually he told him he did. He even showed me the text conversation with her where he told her they couldn't be friends.

 

I was completely heartbroken by this news and would check his phone and email everyday. (He openly gave me his passwords etc.) He and I were fighting like cats and dogs every single day. I was so sick to my stomach that he could have lied to me this way. The drunken hook up didn't bother me as much as all the lying and the intimacy that was evident in their text messages. He talked to her in a way that he hasn't spoken to me in like a decade. Fast forward another couple of weeks and I decided to actually check his cell phone records. I asked him for his password and he stood behind me while I logged on and actually directed me to the phone logs! I think everyone knows what I found by this point, but it turns out he never broke it off with her when he said he did. He had been talking to her the entire time we were fighting, the entire time he said he was trying to save our marriage! I also found out that the day he broke off their "friendship" didn't play out as he said. He says that he tried to break it off with her, but he felt bad about the way it had to end, so before leaving the city that day he went to her dorm room again and ended up making out with her! He told me that there was a part of him that wanted to have sex with her in that moment, but then he remembered me last minute and broke off the kiss! The girl walked him back to the subway and he kissed her again! Like the ending to some f-ing romantic comedy!!! Again, he says he didn't intend to make out with her, he was just going to give her a peck with the expectation of never seeing her again, but that she grabbed him and went in for the kill and he was caught up in the moment! Yeah, ok, he shouldn't have been there in the first place.

 

The say I found her number in the call logs, I completely lost my mind and ended up calling his mother, sobbing uncontrollably. I won't relay our conversation, but as soon as I hung up my husband said something along the lines of, "Are you happy now? I'm sure you've just been waiting to embarrass me to my mother this whole time!". (I do regret calling his mother, I should've kept it between us, but again, I lost it.) But, his saying that set me off. I ended up calling his mistress. She kept insisting the entire time that they were just friends and he was helping her work through some of her issues (I found out that she ran into her rapist at some point and talked to my husband for comfort.) I basically just begged her to stop talking to him and talk to her boyfriend (yes, folks, she obviously has a boyfriend of her own this whole time). I told her that I love my husband more than anything and he is not available to help her with anything. It was actually a pretty civil conversation considering. Well he left our apartment at this point to "gather his thoughts" and when he came back a few hours later, he hugged me and told me he was so sorry and he hated to see me cry. He said that the words I spoke to his "mistress" made him realize that no one could ever love him as much as me, that no one would fight for him the way I had. He kept saying he's done, he's done, he won't talk to her ever again, blah blah.

 

After work the next day, my husband and I were talking and I was asking him questions about the affair etc. He admitted for the first time, that after he kissed her the say he "broke it off", he realized that he had feelings for her for the first time and he also admitted that he basically had phone sex with her one night after I had gone to sleep. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, so I kicked him out of the house. While he was out that night, we were still texting each other the whole time and at one point he asked if he could come home. I didn't respond so he ended up going to his mom's house. I asked him to come home the very next day (cuz I'm weak), but he didn't. I saw him again the following day at couple's therapy.

 

He's been home ever since, but I've found out through checking his phone records, that he tried to text her the night before coming home begging my forgiveness and again the night I kicked him out!! Apparently she told him to stop talking to her and then didn't respond at all the next day. So, now I'm left feeling like he only asked me to forgive him since she won't talk to him anymore. I've also found a picture of her on his computer. He said that he just wanted a picture of her to keep... He deleted it after I found it.

 

We've been in couple's therapy since the first reveal on December 14 and things seem to be getting better. He's maintained the entire time that he loves and is in love with only me and never, ever wanted to leave me. He says that he was so confused and shaken up by "accidentally" sleeping with her, that he completely lost himself and doesn't know who is anymore. He only ever wanted me and he doesn't know how he could've done something like that. He was hoping that by talking to her he could figure it out... He also says that he is incredibly lonely at school (he doesn't really have any friends since he commutes so far) and he thought that maybe he could've made a friend out of this situation. He says he kept talking to her after I found out because he was sure we were headed for divorce anyway and he couldn't bear to be alone after I left him... I just don't know what to do. I've cried everyday since I've found out the truth and I end up talking to him for hours, usually asking him why over and over again. He always says he doesn't know why he did it. He usually talks to me for a couple hours, but then he says he gets so drained that he can't do it anymore and he ends up saying things he later regrets. I just don't know. We've been together so long and I loved him so much, but he's lied to me so many times throughout this entire ordeal. We're going to couple's counseling once a week and he's going to be starting individual counseling next week himself. I just don't know what to do. Our marriage had it's issues before this (I was often admittedly a complete dick to him), but I never stopped loving him. But, now I'm not even sure I know who he is anymore. How could he lie to me like this so easily, so many times, even though he knew it was killing me every step of the way?

 

I suggested the idea of having a trial separation early on in this saga, but he was totally against it. But, there is still a part of me that thinks it would be best. We've been together so very long and before he cheated, I was the only person my husband had even kissed. This whole thing has brought out the fact that we both lost ourselves somewhere along the way, if we ever even knew ourselves to begin with. Now I wish that we hadn't stayed together through college so that we could've grown individually before getting together for the long haul. I just don't know what to do and I feel completely lost and heartbroken.

Edited January 26, 2015 by embracing_defeat

[Josmatjes]

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you must feel. I think you are doing the right thing with communicating and therapy.

But the harsh reality is that he is probably still lieing a bit to you.he obviously had feelings for her. But there is also no doubt that that he loves you. You both have been together a long tome and he sounds confused. I would give it time and see how it goes. It does take some soul searching on both people's parts to start the healing process.....good luck..

[KBarletta]

Our marriage had it's issues before this (I was often admittedly a complete dick to him), but I never stopped loving him.

 

It's good that you are in couple's therapy and that he's in individual counseling too. I think that both of those can be hugely helpful, if you put yourself into them 100 percent.

 

That said, I wonder what these "issues" are that you've had in the past? How were you a "dick" to him? Not that any of it would excuse his behavior with the other woman, but it might at least offer some insight into his thinking.

 

You've been together basically your entire lives, right? You were the only person he ever even kissed? Wow. I don't have any idea what that is like, but I suspect that for him to be 32 and surrounded by college kids makes him wonder what he might have missed out on in his younger days. Again, not that this excuses anything in any way but, again, provides some idea of his motives.

 

An affair is a tough thing to get past, but for two people who clearly love each other and who have been together as long as you have, I think you at least owe it to each other to give reconciliation a shot.

 

Good luck!

[embracing_defeat]

Thanks for the replies. To talk a little about our past issues, we have pretty much been together our entire lives, but back in high school (!) I broke up with him a couple times because I didn't think he was cool. (I know, I know...) I also broke up with him my freshman year of college and I dated another guy for about 2 months. When I was 21 I went abroad to Australia for 6 weeks and I cheated on him while I was there, although I justified it at the time by saying "we were on break".

 

We were married about a year and half ago and, well, I basically said that I regretted marrying him since day one. I would talk about divorcing him constantly. I also started a new job around the same time and I kinda had a thing for my new boss, which I would tell my husband about on a daily basis. He was also having a hard time in school around the same time, writing his senior thesis, and I was not at all supportive. I basically said something like, "don't **** this up like you did the last time". (Referring to how he didn't finish college the first time around.)

 

We are also both really into music and he would ask me to go to concerts with him and I would almost always say no. That's how he ended up going to a concert with the girl he cheated on me with. He stopped asking me to go with him after a point, so he planned to go out with some work friends. It ended up, to his surprise, that he went alone with this girl to a concert in the city.

 

Like I said, I was a total dick. My husband keeps things close to the chest, so he never really said anything about these things so I didn't realize they bothered him. But, that should not be an excuse on my part. I should have been self aware enough to realize that I was being such a ****.

 

Not to say he was a total angel. In college for instance, he would constantly lie about his plans and stood me up a number of times to go drinking with his friends. He actually left me in the hospital once when I went to the emergency room for something minor. But, I thought the lying thing was done with after college.

[KBarletta]

I would talk about divorcing him constantly. I also started a new job around the same time and I kinda had a thing for my new boss, which I would tell my husband about on a daily basis.

 

So you not only talked about divorce on a daily basis but also had another guy you were interested in and never stopped talking about it to him?

 

Not that it's an excuse, but if there were a recipe in a book for getting your spouse to cheat on you, these might be Step 1 and Step 2.

 

That said, if you really want to repair this, it sounds like *both* of you need to make some changes. You've only been married a year and a half and even though you've been together a long time, marriage does change things. I think you both have issues you need to address seriously in counseling. Sounds like you both have been disrespectful of each other and the relationship.

 

I wish you luck!

Edited January 27, 2015 by KBarletta

[GoBlue]

I am sorry for your heartache and pain. There is nothing easy about going through the betrayal of an affair. I am glad that you are going to couple's therapy. There is another option I highly recoomend. There is an organization that does intensive counseling located in Branson, MO. It's called the National Institute of Marriage. Almost every couple who goes there does so as a last resource. Their results have been phenomenal. If you would like more information send me a private message. I lost my own marriage 5 years ago and I would give anything I currently have if she would have attended a place like this - even today. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[embracing_defeat]

I originally posted the long synopsis of my failing marriage back in January while still reeling from my husband's affair. Well, since that point my husband and I have continued going to weekly couple's counseling and trying to work on our marriage. I mentioned earlier that I had kinda been a dick to my husband at points, and this is something that my husband has constantly been bringing up whenever I try to talk about his affair. I've apologized over and over for how I've said things in the past that ended up really hurting him. I think I've apologized more than my husband has for his affair.

 

Well, on February 26 my husband ended up sleeping with the same 22 year old girl once again.

 

Before he slept with her a second time, it seemed like we were really making progress in repairing things. He was checking in with me throughout the day and I was trying to give him space at the same time. The night before, Feb. 25, I was having a really rough day and so I ended up trying to talk to my husband about his affair and our relationship and we ended up talking/arguing until the early morning hours. I actually apologized to him through text the very next morning and he said it was ok. He was texting me throughout the day, sending me pictures to verify his whereabouts. He said he needed to stay at school a bit later than normal, but he was in contact with me the entire time. At one point he told me that he was on the train home. He told me the exact train and everything. Well, after a point I hadn't heard from him again and reached out to him to check what time he would be home. Well, I didn't hear from him again until late afternoon the next day. Apparently, he never got on the train. That was a complete lie. He actually went to a going away party for some old coworkers. A party he knew she was going to be at. He says he didn't go there with the intention of seeing her and was actually avoiding her for most of the night. His story is that at one point he stepped away to use the restroom and she followed him, cornered him, and started making out with him. At one point he left the bar to catch the subway, but there was a train delay so he headed back to the party rather than wait. When everyone else at the party decided to head to his former mistress' dorm room (!) he decided to tag along! Well, they were all hanging out there and as everyone else started leaving my husband ended up being the last one there alone with her in her room. According to him, she pounced as soon as they were alone. And he just went along with it as best he could because, according to him, he didn't want to and he couldn't even keep an erection... Eventually he just passed out in her room. The next morning the girl was apparently really pissed at my husband claiming to be a "highly functioning blackout drunk" and that he had taken advantage of her. I'm not sure I mentioned this before, but this girl is also apparently bi-polar.

 

After he came home I had decided I was done. I spent the night at a friend's place and didn't come home until the following night. I came home to find my husband sobbing uncontrollably and saying that it would be unbearable for me to leave him, etc. It was probably the sweetest weekend we have spent together. So, I forgave him again and wanted to make it work.

 

But, as time goes on, I'm finding it harder and harder to get over. I'm not sobbing uncontrollably as I was before, but I just feel so closed off from him. Like, I can't look at him the same. There are times where we have just hung out like we used to and everything seems fine on the surface, but the whole time I'm wondering if my husband would actually prefer to be with the 22 year old instead. It also really bothers me that he said he was going back and forth in deciding whether to go to the party that night, but decided to go because he was annoyed that we spoke so long the night before. It feels like there is this insurmountable distance between us and part of me is not sure if I even want to traverse this distance. When I first found out about his affair I was so afraid to lose what we had before, but now I realize that what we had has already been lost. Even if we stay together it will never be the way it was before. I don't think I could ever be that way with him again. I'm so confused now and I'm scared because there is this part of me that is decided that I can't be with him anymore and I think this part of me is growing. I was always so afraid to be alone, but now part of me thinks being alone would be exciting and freeing and wants to explore it. But, at the same time I don't want to make a huge mistake and throw our marriage away if it's salvageable. But, then I wonder to myself if I could ever possibly find someone who made me feel special, wanted, and as though I were truly important in their life, is that something I'm missing out on by staying in this marriage?

Edited April 9, 2015 by embracing_defeat

[Ruby65]

Sweetie, you're so young! Why are you staying with someone who's cheating on you? Do you have any kids?

 

Don't believe a word he tells you about his affair.... blaming the other woman? That's really chivalrous. In your shoes, I'd be wondering what things he tells her about you.

 

You don't have to settle for this. You deserve better!

[Hope Shimmers]

Sweetie, you're so young!

 

She's in her 30's.

[Hope Shimmers]

Honestly, I'm struggling how to reply to this one. Your husband should never have cheated. That was the wrong way to handle things for sure. But after reading that you also cheated while with him, and how you acted during the first years of your marriage, I can't even imagine what damage that would have done to him. I'm sorry, but you were terrible. I think you two should just divorce and find other people, to be honest.

[Ruby65]

She's in her 30's.

 

Exactly --- she's so young!

 

She doesn't have to spend the next 30 or 40 years tied to a cheater.

[Hope Shimmers]

Exactly --- she's so young!

 

She doesn't have to spend the next 30 or 40 years tied to a cheater.

 

Okay. 30's isn't young to me to be posting on here about infidelity; it seems about typical.

 

No, she shouldn't be tied to a cheater. She is one too though, so that works both ways.

[Ruby65]

I also broke up with him my freshman year of college and I dated another guy for about 2 months. When I was 21 I went abroad to Australia for 6 weeks and I cheated on him while I was there, although I justified it at the time by saying "we were on break".

 

^ Is this what you're referring to? That was ten years ago and they weren't even married!

 

She's only 31, she has plenty of time to divorce a HUSBAND who's cheating on her NOW -- to recover, move on, meet the love of her life and have a family.

 

Do it, OP. This might be his first affair (that you know of) but I doubt it'll be the last.

[No Limit]

He's going to cheat on you for as long as you stay with him. If you can live with that at least quit wasting money on counselors. If not, get a divorce ASAP.

[Cinnamonstix]

Yes, you made a lot of mistakes in the past, but people don't just do things for no reason. It sounds like you guys aren't a match for each other and have been trying to make it work the entire time you've been together. You need to forgive yourself for your past mistakes and focus on what is happening right now.

 

When you give someone a gazillion chances, as you have, you are just losing self-respect and his respect for you as well. He sees that he can keep treating you poorly and you will just keep taking it. Your relationship is ruined. There is nothing to salvage here.

 

You're missing out on life being with this guy. Who wants to be in a relationship where you have to know his whereabouts all the time? It's just not worth it.

[eyesonmywall]

Sweetie, you're so young! Why are you staying with someone who's cheating on you? Do you have any kids?

 

Don't believe a word he tells you about his affair.... blaming the other woman? That's really chivalrous. In your shoes, I'd be wondering what things he tells her about you.

 

You don't have to settle for this. You deserve better!

We luckily do not have any children or a house together. No shared bank accounts either.

 

As for what he was telling the other woman, I read a lot of their text messages and while he didn't go into details necessarily he was talking about me to her. Every time he and I would fight, he would complain to her about me and was generally miscategorizing me.

 

I just don't understand how things could change so quickly. He was my best friend. We were talking about having children in the next few years. We celebrated our first wedding anniversary 6 weeks prior to his sleeping with her. He planned a really special day for us in NYC and I thought that we were so in love. How could he throw everything away after one drunken hook-up??

[eyesonmywall]

Honestly, I'm struggling how to reply to this one. Your husband should never have cheated. That was the wrong way to handle things for sure. But after reading that you also cheated while with him, and how you acted during the first years of your marriage, I can't even imagine what damage that would have done to him. I'm sorry, but you were terrible. I think you two should just divorce and find other people, to be honest.

Not that it makes anything much better, but to be clear, I've never had sex with anyone other than my husband. My "cheating" was a drunken make-out session with some guy I just met on my last day traveling abroad when I was 21 -- which was 10 years ago. I told my now husband about it immediately after it happened and he said he didn't care.

 

I was most likely terrible the first year of our marriage. I admit that and I've apologized over and over again to my husband for all of it. The only thing I can say is that my husband never actually proposed marriage to me. I basically just picked out a ring online and he bought it for me. We then planned the whole wedding in about 2 months. Not that it justifies anything, but I was really depressed about everything. Depressed that he didn't propose. Depressed about a lot of things that have happened in our past. I don't think I've ever really gotten over the way he treated me when we were still in college. In college, he would lie constantly, make plans with me then stand me up, call me a bitch and every other kind of name when I would call him out for lying. He would never introduce me to any of his friends and would go out drinking with them all of the time. He's never hit me before, but he would lose it and throw things or push me. I thought all of that changed and that he grew up since then. Everything seemed great, like it was falling into place until he started lying again and then cheated.

[Ruby65]

Sweetie, it's not easy to walk away from someone you've been with throughout your whole life.

 

But this man is NOT the one for you. He is NOT the love of your life.

 

This is a learning experience -- and thank God you didn't have kids yet! You can walk away free and make a new wonderful life with someone who's much better suited to you.