not sure how to handle ex boyfriend

[lola108]

I nearly got married to someone last May, but I found him doing questionable things online (cough cough) so I left so angry that I went seven months without speaking to him. I was his first everything. We are in our thirties and he is from Indian clulture so he lives by different rules and it is very possible to be thirty and a virgin.

I didnt speak to him until Jan 12. WE were exchanging sms somtimes starting in October. My intention at first was truly to move on because although I love him, there are compatibility issues that make me feel that he is not good for me emotinonally. We get along in every way and used to be be good friends. But because I was his first, he began to get interested in other girls and didnt treat me as well as he should have. Trust is gone. And I now believe he may have some serious mental problems. I am unsure if he is a narcissist but I have not ruled out the possibility, or if he is just naieve on how to handle a woman.

He contacted my relative in another country after the first month to see if I was okay. Then again within the first three months I didn't talk to him.

On his birthday in october I made the mistake of opening the door to him by sending a happy birthday wish, but truly even then my intention was to send an sms and it would end there. Well, he kept sending messages. On Christmas I sent him a Merry Christmas message and he said he was about to send me one text the very minute I sent him one. Connection much?

Earlier this month I went to the hospital and got in a weaker place mentally. He told me in October that he would send a gift and still never sent it. He sent messages telling me to wait and it was coming to which I never replied. He finally sent it on January 8, when I came to the hospital. He sent a message on the 12 asking if I got it. It wasnt expensive but something meaningful. When I told him I was in the hospital, he asked if he could call. Because of my weaker state, I agreed. I talked to him for the first time in 7 months after going no contact. A few days later my dad died. I told him this in an sms and he called that night.

Then I started getting feelings again. (Big surprise.) NOt once has he said anything about missing me, or all the signs he wants to get back together. So I started looking up how to get my ex back stuff. Then some major family drama started happening with my dads death and I was devastated. I wanted him to be there for me.

I told him to pray for me in an sms and two days went by and he sent an sms asking if things were okay. I sent him a message saying I could not talk about it in an sms but 'I wish I could see him in person.' I believe this scared him. He didnt reply.

NOt for one day. two days. After two days I sent another message asking him about a place we went together because my friend is going there. He gave me another reply, I wasnt all that happy with and sent another sms after that telling him I was going to sleep. by this point i got upset. Another two days went by and now I am fuming. How he could not call me when he knew how stressed I was?

I woke the next morning to still no reply. I sent a message saying I feel so angry at you. I feel you have never really been there for me. I invited you to call me because i didnt feel to call you these last days and again you werent there for me emotionally when Im dealing with major stress. I feel and you know yourself that you have never treated me well or with respect. it seems to me you never think of me or my feelings. I don't know why you are sending me a gift now when I never got any one thing from you in two full years. Five hours later I get a message that says I will call you in the evening. I know he is waiting to start a new job. He called that night and I didn't answer. Then he sent a message saying, is there a reason you don't call me? I called you at seven o clock. Are you okay? Tell me when is a good time to call you.

 

The following day I sent a message that said WHY SHOULD I CALL YOU? So you can lie and betray me again? So you can hurt me again? So you can change your mind again? Have you changed? Have you stopped lying? He tried to call that night also. I didnt answer. That was two nights ago.

I left when I caught him doing chats online. That I could have tried to get over, but he had actually emailed a prostitute. This is from someone who makes himself out to be VERY spiritual. After our break up I found out he was chatting with me on whatsapp at the SAME time he was chatting with another girl. FOR HOURS. I love him but all trust is gone. Maybe I do not love him anymore either. I used to, but too much pain just turns to negativity. And really, I am not sure if I even want him in my life. Af I disappeared because he is not treating me how I should be treated. Yet I want him to be different than he is...But here I am writing to you, and he is probably spending his time chatting with God knows what slut online, or some other girl he is chasing.

I am lost. Totally lost. I feel that he got scared since I said I wish I could tell you in person. Then suddenly he backed off. It seems like he just wanted to chase me...then when I turn toward him FINALLY, he ditches me. Is it ME? Is it HIM? Do I just not know what I am doing? I know I was too needy before. BUt I know I blew his mind in not agreeing to speak to him all this time. He simply didnt expect it of me. In october I even sent a letter that said I wont get back together so take care.

I got weak due to the health issue and family problems. HELP. I need advice. I do not want to cry anymorre.

I want him to be someone he isn't. I want him to change. But I do not know how to even inspire him to be that better man because I am so overwhelmed with pain and betrayal. Now his slight move in backing off made me go off the deep end in mentally accusing him of chatting and pursuing other girls. NO..I did not accuse him IN PERSON or sms. JUst in my mind. It has taken me months to get over him and still I was not 100 percent over him. We were together and lived together for 2 years.

YES, last night I did stalk him on Facebook and investigated his friends lists. ONe girl he was talking to since last year right after we broke up is RIGHT at the top of his friends list...and worse, she is at the top of his. This means they are STILL in contact.

WHY IS HE CONTACTING ME? Why is he trying to weasel his way back in?

I am very sensitive. Please be nice. BUt please also give some answers. He has some mental and sexual issues...that I know. But how to handle him? I have been so upset again now he contacted me again. I am a wreck again, when I was nearly over him.

Thanks for reading.

Edited January 26, 2015 by lola108

[lola108]

I am REALLY desperate for some support. Please, is there a reason why 27 people viewed here and nobody wrote anything?

Is my post too long? SORRY!

[KBarletta]

1. You say you have completely lost your trust for him and you say you aren't even sure if you still love him. So there's really no relationship to rebuild there.

 

2. You were nearly over him, then he contacted you and you are "a wreck" again.

 

So the only advice I have and solution I see is to go full No Contact. Tell him to leave you alone. Leave him alone. Delete/block him from your phone/social media/email, etc. Leave no trace of him. It's really the only way.

[MrTeddybear615]

I understand you pain, but you must also understand your situation. You left him for 7 months with no contact. If he was already reaching out to other women before you left, you gave him more reason to do so when you left. You can't change people, something I need to remember myself. If he has a commitment issues, mental issue or etc, maybe it's best you move on and find someone that will be there for you and only you. It's going to hurt and you're going to cry, but trying to rekindle something that's not there is only going to make things worse for you. He may always reach out to, however infrequent it is, b/c you are someone who he cared about at some point. I think it's best for your health and emotional state to move on.

[lola108]

Thank you guys for writing.

After posting this I felt so much better just getting it all out. Now after some time to think about it all, I realize that what is going on is that I feel I am reacting from a place already of not trusting him and that is not fair. I have had a lot of betrayal in my life and this is causing me to act out an old pattern which is REJECT him because he hurt me.

I do not know if I am reacting this way because of past issues, but it seems that way to me somewhat. It isnt that I do not love him actually. I DO. I know that because I care for him genuinely and about his well being. I said that above because it feels like he hurt me too much for me to even allow myself to really feel love again. I do not feel safe to love him anymore.

He didn't do anything except not call when I expected him to and hinted for him to. Isnt that my own problem?

I reacted from a state of fear thinking that he was just off with some other girl and that was why he wasnt contacting me...because he was already chatting with someone else...it triggered the old pain and the memory of how I felt last year.

We nearly got married.

If you know about Indian culture you know that it is a BIG thing and serious relationship if the man will take the girl home. It means he is serious and ready to marry.

I also know that sometimes there are people you can love but are not supposed to be with.

It is easy to say just move on. And I do feel better overall without him around because it was too difficult. His mental instability and changing his mind about EVERYTHING including me, kept me always in a state of uncertainty.

I do feel he was afraid of committment.

Now it has been two days and he hasnt called and I have not felt like sending any of the ten sms I prepared to send, some which involved further acusations and blame. I spent the last two days composing possible sms's to vent my rage.

I need healing, I want him so much to try to REPAIR what he did wrong, but he has not even so much mentioned anything in the past and neither have I until my scathing sms. He has not done what I think he should do to try to heal the relationship, or heal the pain he caused me. And what is worse, I do not think he even knows how to do such a thing.

PLease keep writing to me. How can I heal the past so that I do not carry this into the future? I definitely have trust issues.

PLease do not suggest counseling.

 

Is it normal for men to do sex chats? Is that something normal men do? I was his first, and if you know about INdian culture, it is definitely repressed sexually..you cant just go date and have a one night stand. It really does not happen.

Please help.

Edited January 27, 2015 by lola108