mirrormirror91 Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 Hello everyone, this post is me asking desperately for help to fix a marriage I broke. So history is I have been married for less than a year now already and have been with my SO for a year and half. When we met I knew and could feel it in every cell that she was the one and the feeling was mutual. But I ruined it by cheating on her while we were dating with my ex. A decision which ruined everything and things only got worse. She forgave me and wanted to still be together but I was just so self centered and self involved that I have been emotionally cheating on her again and again with multiple other women. I had been in so much denial that things would never get so bad..Now we are living in the same house but separate rooms and hardly are part of eachothers life after 4 D-days, months of her giving me a chance of fixing it and stepping up, and me just being so far in denial and scared that everyday for her is worse than the last. Currently I am going to two individual therapists (one for DBT) and last night the guilt just hit me, I realized that I and I alone had ruined what was the perfect thing and so desperately want to get her back. She needs to see change and lots of it, she's made ultimatums and boundaries but getting just too tired of it. So I am asking for help, tips, advice, anything. What are things I can do to help reconcile, step up and fix this monster of a marriage. Thank you -M Link to post Share on other sites
AlexfromBoston Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Mirror, if possible, I think it would be in your best interest to leave the house. I don't know how things are going as of now, but if there is a lot of conflict in the household or awkwardness, it would be better to stay with family, friends or get your own place. Time and space is one of the most effective tools for reconciliation. Unfortunately, due to your infidelities, it will be very hard to build the trust back again. That said, its not impossible. I think you should try to create space, continue therapy and show that you are working towards being a better man. In the interim, focus on yourself and fixing your marriage and do not go out seeking other women. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 (edited) To be blunt, I think you should forget about fixing your marriage, because you are broken when it comes to relationships, and its you that needs to be fixed. For some reason, chaos has come to be the norm for you in the area of relationships. As you stand, you're not in good enough shape emotionally to have a good relationship with anyone. It is unlikely that your marriage will survive. Commit to long-term therapy for about two years, and you can perhaps be mended. What I have said is very blunt, but you know its true. Good luck. Edited January 25, 2015 by Satu 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ieris Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I agree with the posts above. You really need to sort yourself out first. No one deserves to have their heart broken again and again.. especially by the same person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AlexfromBoston Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I agree with the posts above. You really need to sort yourself out first. No one deserves to have their heart broken again and again.. especially by the same person. I respectfully disagree with yourself and Satu. Perhaps this is because I, myself was a serial cheater and can sort of feel for this guy. When you are in a stagnant relationship and you are getting attention from lots of other women, its very, very hard to resist. Now, I am also a reformed cheater and I have seen the errors in my ways and I would hope that Mirror does too. Mirror, if you can finagle a final shot at reconciliation, don't blow it. I am not sure how old you are, but, if you are like me, you can use this as a wakeup call. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mirrormirror91 Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 (edited) I respectfully disagree with yourself and Satu. Perhaps this is because I, myself was a serial cheater and can sort of feel for this guy. When you are in a stagnant relationship and you are getting attention from lots of other women, its very, very hard to resist. Now, I am also a reformed cheater and I have seen the errors in my ways and I would hope that Mirror does too. Mirror, if you can finagle a final shot at reconciliation, don't blow it. I am not sure how old you are, but, if you are like me, you can use this as a wakeup call. Actually I can say that the relationship with my wife since the beginning has been nothing short of amazing. I knew she was the one but cheated on her the entire span of us being together. I sought other girls out after an amazing week of sex and fun. She was always there for me emotionally and physically. The cheating is/was/always 100% my fault and mine alone. We are both in our early 20's if that is of any relevance. I can't blame my wife for my decisions, that is why I am asking for help to fix what *I* had broken. If I do anything less than to take responsibility and man up to it, it's pretty pathetic and no wonder she wouldn't want things to be better because I wouldn't be any better for her. Edited January 25, 2015 by mirrormirror91 Link to post Share on other sites
AlexfromBoston Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Actually I can say that the relationship with my wife since the beginning has been nothing short of amazing. I knew she was the one but cheated on her the entire span of us being together. I sought other girls out after an amazing week of sex and fun. She was always there for me emotionally and physically. The cheating is/was/always 100% my fault and mine alone. We are both in our early 20's if that is of any relevance. I can't blame my wife for my decisions, that is why I am asking for help to fix what *I* had broken. If I do anything less than to take responsibility and man up to it, it's pretty pathetic and no wonder she wouldn't want things to be better because I wouldn't be any better for her. Ok Mirror, well I did most of my cheating in my early 20's as well. I was asking because eventually, you are going to see the error in your ways and grow up. You will think twice before you take a bj from that trashy chick in the bar. But as of now, give her time and space. Time and space fix a lot of relationship problems. From this point on, until you get back with your wife, maintain a semblance of abstinence. DO NOT engage in sexual relations with anyone else. If your wife finds out you have been seeing other women, you will only anchor her decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 IMHO your wife needs support from IC and friends and LS to move on from you. She's THE ONE? Honestly? If so, you do need serious therapy and a number of years to grow up. I guess it's relieving for you to finally see yourself honestly. I can't IMAGINE what hell you've put her through. I can only empathise with the perpetual damage she's suffered. And just FYI I've been with two drop dead gorgeous guys with women sliming themselves all over them in front of me. Their self esteem and self worth came from inside themselves and they didn't crave sex with those women, they had intimacy to GIVE FREELY to a loving, monogamous relationship with me and it was heaven. Let her go. You're being greedy. Let her experience love with a man who will give her everything she desires and right now the top item on her list is probably faithfulness. Lion Heart. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 (edited) He is lost to himself. I can't be bothered with such nonsense. Goodbye thread. Edited January 26, 2015 by Satu Link to post Share on other sites
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