Step towards reconciliation?

[Camekazi]

Fell in love over 6 months, went away for a month and when I came back things felt different (more on her side) but neither of us knew why, or talked properly to reconnect. Instead we introduced each other to family and friends, put our walls up, and eventually argued where she confessed to having doubts, we agreed to work through them, but then had another argument a day later (I think I was pushing to 'fix things' too fast) as she couldn't see how we could get back to pre-my going away feelings and then we broke up. Both devastated and confused, yet breakup was amicable bar a drunken party of mutual friends where we got emotional, discussed dating in the new year, and added to the confusion.

When we broke up we agreed to meet up in the new year, and did.

Fast forward to now and we had a great afternoon together but she abruptly leaves and later texts me that at the end of our meet up that it felt too soon (incidently it felt more like a date and we didn't get into the old relationship).

She pledges to behave less irratically next time, jokes it was much better than drunken party and says that "I only want good things for you and I'm sorry if I'm not helping much on that front. Being able to see you means a lot to me and I hope that it's something that you feel can continue. I'm sorry I should have said all of this today. I suppose it's only just occurring to me. Anyway have a fun evening let's be in touch when I'm back from holidays".

Is this a positive development? What I've not added is this breakup steamrollered me and I'm struggling to get perspective. Am working hard on myself but want to understand if this is a positive step in the right direction of potential reconciliation.

[Camekazi]

Any thoughts? Need guidance. Do I step well away, or see what happens?

[Light Breeze]

In my opinion, she does want you in her life but not necessarily in a romantic way. Honestly, losing her feelings for you after just a month of your absence is quite alarming. I think it might have been because she was not that into you in the first place.. or, without your presence the infatuation fog just dissipated.. or she may have met someone while you were gone that made her doubt her feelings towards you.

 

Of course this is all just speculation, but if it was me I'll step away. If you still feel something for her then the best way is to cut contact and heal. Personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone who isn't as much as invested in the relationship as I am. Losing feelings because of distance for a relatively short amount of time is not investing at all, but that's just me.

[idoltree]

Fell in love over 6 months, went away for a month and when I came back things felt different (more on her side) but neither of us knew why, or talked properly to reconnect.

 

6 months is around the time the honeymoon period is ending, and you see one another with unfiltered lenses, versus the idealized version you'd created in your head. I'd say the month away was bad timing. Either the time away would speed up the fall from grace effect, or extend the honeymoon period a bit. Sounds like it did the former instead of the latter.

 

Secondly, it's unusual for feelings to change like that. I have to ask - did she become interested in someone else while you were away? She's not going to necessarily tell you if someone else caught her eye, but it would explain the discrepancy in effort and feelings between the time you left and when you came back.

 

then had another argument a day later (I think I was pushing to 'fix things' too fast) as she couldn't see how we could get back to pre-my going away feelings and then we broke up.

More suspicion from me that her interest went elsewhere. What sort of mental gymnastics is "she doesn't know how my feelings can go back to what they were"? You wanted to fix things, she was the ambivalent party. It sounds like she felt guilty and projected the loss of her feelings onto you.

 

Both devastated and confused, yet breakup was amicable bar a drunken party of mutual friends where we got emotional, discussed dating in the new year, and added to the confusion.

Enough said. Talking and togetherness is not necessarily helpful, eh?

 

Fast forward to now and we had a great afternoon together but she abruptly leaves and later texts me that at the end of our meet up that it felt too soon (incidently it felt more like a date and we didn't get into the old relationship).

Enough said. She's not into the dating and romance.

 

"I only want good things for you and I'm sorry if I'm not helping much on that front. Being able to see you means a lot to me and I hope that it's something that you feel can continue. I'm sorry I should have said all of this today. I suppose it's only just occurring to me. Anyway have a fun evening let's be in touch when I'm back from holidays".

To me, this roughly translates into "I'm most comfortable when you're on the backburner because then the single life isn't so scary for me because you're an option for me. I'd like to keep tabs on you for that purpose, but while you think we're working on getting back together, I'm continually going to distance and make excuses because I just want you on the backburner but I won't be honest about it because that makes me feel guilty. I will instead present my somewhat selfish intentions as altruistic and hope that you don't notice."

 

Is this a positive development? What I've not added is this breakup steamrollered me and I'm struggling to get perspective. Am working hard on myself but want to understand if this is a positive step in the right direction of potential reconciliation.

I don't think so. I think the two of you are clinging on because you're both scared to go it alone. To me, it doesn't seem like she has serious intentions of working things out. It seems more like a "I don't want him, but I don't want anyone else to have him either." scenario to me.

 

If I were you, I'd cut the cord. You're the only one working on a reconciliation. A true lasting reconciliation can only happen with two motivated parties and you don't have that.

 

Go NC for your own healing, and enjoy the benefit of letting her get what she wanted - a life without the relationship with you. This may give her perspective on what she walked away from, but even that doesn't guarantee that she'll want to get back together eventually. But I can tell you that your chances are better if you go your separate ways, rather than keep muddying the waters and doing this clinging on to one another thing.

 

She has no reason to want to change things. You're on the backburner where she wants you. You think it's temporary, and you'll move back into a relationship. She gives no signs that she wants that, so she wants you to stay where you are, and remain an option for her in case she wants you.

 

I think you deserve better than that, and I hope you do, too.

[Camekazi]

Thanks both. Sounds advice that I know is right. A slight complication is we have mutual friends and are due to meet after her birthday. I guess at some point I need to let go of the thread she's stringing me with either within my own head or by being clear to her that's how it must be.

[Camekazi]

Hi guys. Meeting with mutual friends coming up. Any advice?

[idoltree]

Hi guys. Meeting with mutual friends coming up. Any advice?

 

Option 1: Don't go. Can you not meet these friends without her sometime in the future?

 

I get that you're used to thinking "oh, mutual friends, I'll see her", but you're not powerless here. You don't have to go to things if she's going to be there. Arrange another get together with these friends yourself. If your friends are true friends, they'll understand that you need time and space away from her.

 

Option 2: Go. Be friendly but detached and avoid her as much as possible.