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Ex contacted me out of the blue


lovesfool

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I hope this is the right place to put this.

 

My ex broke up with me about a year ago, I tried to contact him a couple of times in this period, but I was ultimately ignored.

 

But last week he emailed me out of the blue. I hadn't heard a word from him since the break up, not even a Merry Christmas. He didn't give a reason for sending the message, he just asked how I was and what I've been up to. He was doing a lot of reminiscing about times we had together. I didn't really engage with this, I was just polite and asked how he was.

 

Strangely, he also initiated conversation about if I was seeing anyone and said that he tried dating but wasn't having any luck.

 

I'm getting the feeling he may be experiencing the "grass is greener" syndrome and is falling back on old memories of us together.

 

Am I reading too much into this? I found it very strange that he just contacted me for no reason after ignoring me for so long.

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I would feel indignant, not strange. I get your curiosity - but this dude ignored you, and now when he sees that everything isn't peachy, he wants to reach out and assess where you are in your life - to compare? To gage whether he should come back. Because you seem to have been/and continue to be a last resort for him.

 

And you are worth more.

 

DO NOT engage him anymore. Block this guy.

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I would feel indignant, not strange. I get your curiosity - but this dude ignored you, and now when he sees that everything isn't peachy, he wants to reach out and assess where you are in your life - to compare? To gage whether he should come back. Because you seem to have been/and continue to be a last resort for him.

 

And you are worth more.

 

DO NOT engage him anymore. Block this guy.

You know, on this board, people instruct heart broken people to go NC. A dumper can be heart broken as well, even if he/she was the one to take the decision, and need time off to move on. It's not because he/she didn't reply that he did it out of spite. It goes both ways.

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You know, on this board, people instruct heart broken people to go NC. A dumper can be heart broken as well, even if he/she was the one to take the decision, and need time off to move on. It's not because he/she didn't reply that he did it out of spite. It goes both ways.

 

Yes, I definitely understand that.

 

But he ignored several attempts from her to reach out. It would have been good if he just left it at that.

 

Him reaching out right now seems incredibly selfish to me. He has been reminiscing. Dating isn't going well for him - so now, it's okay to re-engage?

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Ignoring the dumper is the best thing to do, because if they REALLY want you, no amount of ignoring will stop them. It's a wonderful litmus test of their seriousness.

 

However, if you engage them when they aren't clear (like in the message above), they could be bored, looking for backup plans, an ego boost... a bunch of things that don't benefit the dumpee.

 

So, definitely don't reply.

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Yes, I definitely understand that.

 

But he ignored several attempts from her to reach out. It would have been good if he just left it at that.

 

Him reaching out right now seems incredibly selfish to me. He has been reminiscing. Dating isn't going well for him - so now, it's okay to re-engage?

You NC to heal, to move on, to work on yourself.

 

Once that's done, once you have detached, what's the harm in a little contact? If the relationship was good, what's the harm in having a little chat, catching up?

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You NC to heal, to move on, to work on yourself.

 

Once that's done, once you have detached, what's the harm in a little contact? If the relationship was good, what's the harm in having a little chat, catching up?

 

The harm is in how inconsiderate it is towards the OP, and those in her position. How does he know that she detached? How unfair is he being to her?

 

The dumper used NC to heal, and move on, great! You're healed already. Go live your life.

 

Why are you coming back to the OP? As is mentioned in the original post, the dumper's experiences in the dating world hasn't gone well, so this isn't an honest return to check up on how OP is, this is him comparing and contrasting - trying to gage if she's doing better than he is, trying to see if she's available, and trying to get some ego boosts too, because his new ventures didn't work out as he envisioned.

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Post BU you did contact him but got ignored, now you have healed and moved on.

 

Curiosity will get the better of you, you would want to know what is his intentions for contacting you.

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SycamoreCircle

You ask, "What's the harm?"

 

If nothing is at stake, why ask LS for advice? Do whatever you want.

 

You asked for advice because there is something at stake and you're trying to deal with this as strategically as possible.

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The harm is in how inconsiderate it is towards the OP, and those in her position. How does he know that she detached? How unfair is he being to her?

 

The dumper used NC to heal, and move on, great! You're healed already. Go live your life.

 

Why are you coming back to the OP? As is mentioned in the original post, the dumper's experiences in the dating world hasn't gone well, so this isn't an honest return to check up on how OP is, this is him comparing and contrasting - trying to gage if she's doing better than he is, trying to see if she's available, and trying to get some ego boosts too, because his new ventures didn't work out as he envisioned.

He doesn't know she has detached, yes. And it's her right to ignore if she hasn't, like it was his choice to ignore if he didn't. I sense some dumpee bitterness in your post.

 

You're extrapolating the dumper's motivation in his text. We don't have the whole conversation, we only have tid bits of what was discussed. I think it's unfair to claim BECAUSE dating didn't work for him, this isn't an honest check up on her.

 

Some people are nice and just want to catch up you know, without having it to be all about themselves, their ego and whatnot. I'm not saying his intentions are all pure, I have no proof of that. Nor do I have proof that he has bad intentions.

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I say ignore him,

 

The mere fact that OP is here asking for advice means in some way she hasn't detached from this guy totally.

 

Why open the wounds again?

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He doesn't know she has detached, yes. And it's her right to ignore if she hasn't, like it was his choice to ignore if he didn't. I sense some dumpee bitterness in your post.

 

You're extrapolating the dumper's motivation in his text. We don't have the whole conversation, we only have tid bits of what was discussed. I think it's unfair to claim BECAUSE dating didn't work for him, this isn't an honest check up on her.

 

Some people are nice and just want to catch up you know, without having it to be all about themselves, their ego and whatnot. I'm not saying his intentions are all pure, I have no proof of that. Nor do I have proof that he has bad intentions.

 

If you sense any bitterness, it's simply because I've been explaining what seemed, to me, to be blatantly obvious.

 

Oh, and if someone ignored my repeated attempts to reach out, and then felt he could check in on me when it was the right time for him, I would be indignant - and would not entertain, at all.

 

Yes, I am extrapolating based off of the tidbits OP felt were important to post here. OP, who has been in the relationship with this guy, herself felt that this could be a case of GIGS. And as others have pointed out, she's posting on LS, she's aware that he didn't text her on Christmas - so clearly she isn't as detached.

 

I think he's selfish. I don't know about his intentions - they may be pure, but him checking in when it's convenient for him is selfish to me.

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Simon Phoenix
You ask, "What's the harm?"

 

If nothing is at stake, why ask LS for advice? Do whatever you want.

 

You asked for advice because there is something at stake and you're trying to deal with this as strategically as possible.

 

Exactly. If she's asking for advice on how to proceed on a site like this, she's not indifferent or recovered. She's looking for an angle. I wish she hadn't responded to him, because it doesn't seem like she's ready for this.

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I totally agree that she should ignore as she isn't detached. All I was saying is that it's not because he ignored her during the grieving stage of the break up and now wants to catch up, that his intentions are bad and that he's a bad person!

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Simon Phoenix
I totally agree that she should ignore as she isn't detached. All I was saying is that it's not because he ignored her during the grieving stage of the break up and now wants to catch up, that his intentions are bad and that he's a bad person!

 

No one is saying he is a bad person (at least I'm not). But trying to prove this particular point right now is kind of useless. If anything, you are going to confuse the hell out of the OP. We need to focus on her, not get caught up in tangents that deal more with her ex.

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I'd like to give an update on my situation.

 

He said the reason he never contacted me was that he didn't want the breakup to drag on when he was so busy studying for exams and thought it would affect his results. He said sorry for doing this and admitted he handled it poorly. I can understand his reasoning to a point, but I don't know if I fully accept his apology.

 

He has pretty much made it clear that he is still interested in me. I just told him I was surprised and didn't make it obvious that I still wasn't over him.

 

Am I wrong to consider trying things again? Can I trust him? What is the worst outcome?

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He said the reason he never contacted me was that he didn't want the breakup to drag on when he was so busy studying for exams and thought it would affect his results.

 

So he is selfish, basically.

 

I don't blame you for not fully accepting his apology.

 

Trust your instincts, girl.

 

What's to say he wouldn't pull this dump/ignore approach again in the future? Are you willing to take that risk?

 

What has he done to earn your trust? To prove that he's worthy of you after having disregarded you for the better part of a year? I would say based on his explanation for why he ignored you, it's not worth it.

 

My honest opinion: too little too late.

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organizedchaos
I'd like to give an update on my situation.

 

He said the reason he never contacted me was that he didn't want the breakup to drag on when he was so busy studying for exams and thought it would affect his results. He said sorry for doing this and admitted he handled it poorly. I can understand his reasoning to a point, but I don't know if I fully accept his apology.

 

He has pretty much made it clear that he is still interested in me. I just told him I was surprised and didn't make it obvious that I still wasn't over him.

 

Am I wrong to consider trying things again? Can I trust him? What is the worst outcome?

 

Yes. No. You get your heart broken again, yay!

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Simon Phoenix
I'd like to give an update on my situation.

 

He said the reason he never contacted me was that he didn't want the breakup to drag on when he was so busy studying for exams and thought it would affect his results. He said sorry for doing this and admitted he handled it poorly. I can understand his reasoning to a point, but I don't know if I fully accept his apology.

 

He has pretty much made it clear that he is still interested in me. I just told him I was surprised and didn't make it obvious that I still wasn't over him.

 

Am I wrong to consider trying things again? Can I trust him? What is the worst outcome?

 

The worst outcome is an exact repeat of the first outcome. That's a pretty s--tty outcome. Reread some of your threads about this breakup. Do you really want to repeat that? It's basically a guarantee that it will happen, especially since you aren't completely healed from it.

 

Stay away, get your s--t together, and make him chase you if he desires. At the very least, don't make it easy for him.

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So he is selfish, basically.

 

I don't blame you for not fully accepting his apology.

 

Trust your instincts, girl.

 

What's to say he wouldn't pull this dump/ignore approach again in the future? Are you willing to take that risk?

 

What has he done to earn your trust? To prove that he's worthy of you after having disregarded you for the better part of a year? I would say based on his explanation for why he ignored you, it's not worth it.

 

My honest opinion: too little too late.

 

I believe everyone is ultimately selfish in their actions. It would have been selfish for me to expect him to stay fully commited to a relationship with his education on the line.

 

Yes. No. You get your heart broken again, yay!

 

The worst outcome is an exact repeat of the first outcome. That's a pretty s--tty outcome. Reread some of your threads about this breakup. Do you really want to repeat that? It's basically a guarantee that it will happen, especially since you aren't completely healed from it.

 

Stay away, get your s--t together, and make him chase you if he desires. At the very least, don't make it easy for him.

 

Can you please explain how it is a guarantee? I really don't understand how you can know that.

 

It seems to me that everyone on this forum is very opposed to getting back with exes and that they are all inherently selfish with no empathy. I don't know if it is because these people have been hurt in the past, but the advice doesn't reflect reality.

 

I know many people who have gone back to their exes and have had long lasting relationships. What's to say it won't work for us?

 

We all make mistakes, I know I have certainly made many in my lifetime. I'm not saying that I'm going to go crawling back to him and that all is forgiven, but why shouldn't I give him a chance?

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I believe everyone is ultimately selfish in their actions. It would have been selfish for me to expect him to stay fully commited to a relationship with his education on the line.

 

 

 

 

 

Can you please explain how it is a guarantee? I really don't understand how you can know that.

 

It seems to me that everyone on this forum is very opposed to getting back with exes and that they are all inherently selfish with no empathy. I don't know if it is because these people have been hurt in the past, but the advice doesn't reflect reality.

 

I know many people who have gone back to their exes and have had long lasting relationships. What's to say it won't work for us?

 

We all make mistakes, I know I have certainly made many in my lifetime. I'm not saying that I'm going to go crawling back to him and that all is forgiven, but why shouldn't I give him a chance?

 

If you were 100% sure of him, you wouldn't really be posting here, would you? The fact that you are is telling - in your gut, you know something is off.

 

It also sounds like you're going to make any, and all excuses to get back with him. In which case, you probably should get back with him - and learn.

 

This forum isn't going anywhere.

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Simon Phoenix
I believe everyone is ultimately selfish in their actions. It would have been selfish for me to expect him to stay fully commited to a relationship with his education on the line.

 

 

 

 

 

Can you please explain how it is a guarantee? I really don't understand how you can know that.

 

It seems to me that everyone on this forum is very opposed to getting back with exes and that they are all inherently selfish with no empathy. I don't know if it is because these people have been hurt in the past, but the advice doesn't reflect reality.

 

I know many people who have gone back to their exes and have had long lasting relationships. What's to say it won't work for us?

 

We all make mistakes, I know I have certainly made many in my lifetime. I'm not saying that I'm going to go crawling back to him and that all is forgiven, but why shouldn't I give him a chance?

 

Because a) you haven't gotten past it and b) he hasn't shown any indication that it's changed. I know quite a few people who have gotten back with their exes, and every time it's because there has been significant time apart in No Contact (six months to a year minimum) and the dumper has come back and gone above and beyond the call of duty to show that they are serious about their intentions. He's apologized about how he's broken up and said that he is interested. That's not good enough. He needs to tell you why things will be different and the changes he has made. He has to chase you.

 

Either way, it seems like you are going to whine and cry about how everyone here is negative (which is BS by the way, people here want to help you). So go for it. You aren't ready to handle this, which is a big reason why I feel it's doomed to failure. You can't make a new relationship when you are still hung up on the old, failed one, and you still are to some extent. But you can continue to call us all bitter if that makes you feel better.

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I believe everyone is ultimately selfish in their actions. It would have been selfish for me to expect him to stay fully committed to a relationship with his education on the line.

 

C'mon now. Not everyone is selfish. You're totally making excuses for this guy.

 

You even admitted you weren't buying his apology in full. Why do you think that is?

 

How is our advice not reflective of reality when you've even expressed your own doubts?

 

This guy has already treated you unkindly in the past, so we're just warning you that there is the potential for that same lack of consideration to resurface and for you to be hurt again. If you're willing to take the risk, so be it.

 

I'm all for reconciliations, given the right set of circumstances.

 

This guy doesn't seem all that trustworthy though. He randomly comes out of the woodwork after having ignored you for a year and it seems that he's contacting you out of convenience, given the lack of dating prospects on the horizon, and he's not even that apologetic for having hurt you.

 

You mention he has made it clear he's interested in you. Can you elaborate on that? Seems like he just popped up and asked how you were doing and then you had to solicit the apology even for his past actions. No?

 

It's not like he's professing to having made a huge mistake and desperately vying for a reconciliation. Something just doesn't feel right about this.

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Because a) you haven't gotten past it and b) he hasn't shown any indication that it's changed. I know quite a few people who have gotten back with their exes, and every time it's because there has been significant time apart in No Contact (six months to a year minimum) and the dumper has come back and gone above and beyond the call of duty to show that they are serious about their intentions. He's apologized about how he's broken up and said that he is interested. That's not good enough. He needs to tell you why things will be different and the changes he has made. He has to chase you.

 

We have had significant time apart No Contact. Maybe 9 months? And it was him that reached out to me.

 

I'm not one for playing games, so getting him to jump through hoops doesn't appeal to me. I don't know what should be different. Am I supposed to ask him not to go abroad again, not to get an education? I don't really know what I'm expected to do. I don't know what I should expect to change.

 

Either way, it seems like you are going to whine and cry about how everyone here is negative (which is BS by the way, people here want to help you). So go for it. You aren't ready to handle this, which is a big reason why I feel it's doomed to failure. You can't make a new relationship when you are still hung up on the old, failed one, and you still are to some extent. But you can continue to call us all bitter if that makes you feel better.

 

You are being very immature about this. I am not whining or crying. I am just saying it as I see it. I suppose you are working off limited information and you don't know our full history, but based on this, most people are being as pessimistic as they can be. This is especially clear when you use phrases like "doomed to failure". Is this the general approach? Be cruel to be kind?

 

There doesn't seem to be anyone looking from my ex's side, which is what I really need. I just don't see any balance in the argument. Maybe I have blinders on, but is my ex really that bad a person for what he did? Is it really unforgivable?

 

You say I'm not ready to handle this. Why?

 

Why do you think this is a new relationship? Is it not just a continuation of the old?

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