glamtran Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Hi all, I really hate making decisions. I tend to overthink it, am I in this case? I broke up with my boyfriend this summer and I still think about him everyday and miss him, even though we were only together for 8 months, with a break up in between. He basically disrespected me one night at a strip club with a few of the 'employees' there and ignored me the whole night while he was paying for the workers' attention. I left a little while later after I decided I can't get over it. Also because he said he was going back there one weekend cause it's his dancer friends birthday, whether I liked it or not. So I said screw it, plus I still couldn't get over the original issue. A few weeks later he broke NC and I did take him back. He remained in touch with the "staff" from the bar via FB and text, and other issues started happening so I bailed again. The night I broke it off he did say that he's sorry for the stripper stuff and it was just a phase, he's lonely, doesn't have a lot of friends, etc. and I have to admit I've seen him struggle with loneliness and depression. He plays sports and has roommates and I've seen others be cold to him and ignore him at parties team events etc. so in terms of that I do believe him. I've been there too. I'm a bit of an outcast and struggled socially, and I think that's why him and I connected in the first place. And, I was his first girlfriend. Now, we all have flaws and go through phases, and alienation can cause people to do some crazy things. Nobody's perfect, and even on this very website there is a lot of information on the power of forgiveness and people starting fresh. Some of my friends say the same thing, and unfortunately even support him and say he's a good guy deep down and everyone makes mistakes. Others say I must have been "hard up" for a man and still may be if I take him back. Did I do the right thing? Does his potential awkwardness and inexperience change what he did?? Please let me know what's on your mind! Link to post Share on other sites
StalwartMind Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Based on the information given, it's really anyone's guess. As you said yourself you've heard views from both camps. The only thing you should really focus on is yourself and how you feel about it. I take it you are somewhat split and I can understand that. Our tolerance level to the behavior of others is quite different and likewise with how forgiving we are of situations. People do screw up and sincerely regret it, this is probably the minority of people. On the other side we have people who will always convince others that they have changed, but tend to fall back into the same patterns and end up disappointing others again. So it's your call if you choose to believe in this fella or if you feel like it's not worth it. Very much depending on your age, people are likely more prone to commit mistakes while young and gaining experience. Naturally there is no real guarantee that you improve behavior with age but it would be more expected at least. Ideally a great couple do not insult,disrespect or harm each other in any which way. The better people are at communication and being receptive towards ideas and improving situation, the greater the chance there is of things working out. Either way the "worst" thing that can happen by giving him another chance, is that he repeats his mistakes, in which case you should be prepared for that. This goes for any future relationship you may have. Some people feel it's better to uphold a zero tolerance policy, which I'm equally supportive of, it depends on the individual and what they feel is best for them. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Does his potential awkwardness and inexperience change what he did?? Does his social awkwardness excuse or exempt him from treating you properly, with the respect that you want and know you deserve? I don't think so, no. Kindness is when we are held to a higher standard so that we will (hopefully) realize that there is a true consequence to the self, for not making the effort to properly heal our psychology, including depression, awkwardness, etc. If he just keeps getting a free pass, nobody is doing him any favours for his own future esteem, confidence, self-respect, happiness. He gets to choose if and when he's going to raise himself up, but you don't have to tolerate anything lesser from him in the meantime. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author glamtran Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 We'll I'm not exempt no, of course not but what if there's a chance that might be all he knows? Or knew at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author glamtran Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 I should also add that in some ways he was absolutely perfect for me. He was athletic, liked taking me out, got along with my friends, respectful in the bedroom, social and liked being involved in events and parties. Also as his first girlfriend, he didn't have any baggage that is a huge turn off for me. That's what I'm clinging on to I guess. I've never had a guy like that before. Does this change anything? Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 I wonder exactly what he did to disrespect you at the strip club. I would consider if at the time he knew he was disrespecting you (because he is abusive, mean, and hates you), or if he was stupid, socially awkward, and clueless. Generally, if the offense is not a total betrayal or abuse, I would not end a relationship based on one incident. You have to look at the whole picture. That's because if you left him for one mistake, you're likely to regret it, which leads to a lot of self doubt. And in fact you did take him back. I don't think he will change anytime soon. And should he? He is who he is. Is it really just a phase? I guess I don't understand exactly what he did wrong, and what needs changing. For your decision making, I suggest you look at your values. Are they very different? Look at who he is, not who he can be. Do you like what you see? Link to post Share on other sites
Author glamtran Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 I wonder exactly what he did to disrespect you at the strip club. I would consider if at the time he knew he was disrespecting you (because he is abusive, mean, and hates you), or if he was stupid, socially awkward, and clueless. Generally, if the offense is not a total betrayal or abuse, I would not end a relationship based on one incident. You have to look at the whole picture. That's because if you left him for one mistake, you're likely to regret it, which leads to a lot of self doubt. And in fact you did take him back. I don't think he will change anytime soon. And should he? He is who he is. Is it really just a phase? I guess I don't understand exactly what he did wrong, and what needs changing. For your decision making, I suggest you look at your values. Are they very different? Look at who he is, not who he can be. Do you like what you see? Well I was left twiddling my thumbs while he was in the back room getting private dances. And he had one of these women on his lap too at our table for some of the night. Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Ok, I see, he was clueless. A gentleman would have bought you the lapdances instead of getting them himself. He shouldn't have taken you there if he didn't know how to treat you right. Going for the private dance himself is like ordering dinner for himself and nothing for his lady. He seems awkward and inexperienced, at least at a stripclub. Not smooth... Link to post Share on other sites
Author glamtran Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 (edited) Yes he is, like I said in my OP above. So does that change anything? I also seem to flip flop, one day I kick myself for not leaving after his bday, and the next day I want to go knocking on his door and hug him. Edited January 6, 2015 by glamtran Link to post Share on other sites
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