Girlfriend broke up with me because I hurt her, but I still love her!

[Krdesigns9]

4h ago#1 Krdesigns9

My Ex-Girlfriend broke up with me because I hurt her, but I still love her!

 

Little background story of why we broke up, sorry that it is so long. We were in a relationship of 2 years and a half years and we loved each other a lot! I'm 18 she's 17.

 

 

Basically about 6 months ago my girlfriend decided to turn vegan mostly for health and fitness reasons and she started doing lots of excise so I couldn't see her as much. I hated this because I thought it would make things difficult between us and she was already a skinny beautiful girl but she didn't believe me and thought she was fat. The vegan thing annoyed me the most because we always had to find food which was vegan which sometimes took ages, I felt like this ruined days out and whenever we cooked together, however I realise now that it was my fault because I made such a big deal out of it, even though it didn't actually affect our relationship! I always made her feel bad about being vegan. (I REGRET THIS SO MUCH) Eventually we started arguing daily over this, except I was the one who always started this because I wanted her to stop being vegan (obviously at this point I didn't realise that it was her choice and she was so passionate about it).

 

Constantly we would argue in person over the phone and over text. She started to pull away from me, I thought she hated being with me but she was actually afraid of me because I was hurting her. Over the next 3 months we met twice each time she wouldn't stay long especially because we ended up arguing on one of them. When we went back to collage after the summer break, she started to completely withdraw from me. I kept pressing to meet up as I couldn't see what was wrong. (She never told me why she was like this until we broke up). One day she decided to tell me that she wanted a break and space from. This was when I realised I had been so horrible to her and had been a monster and putting her down for being which she believed in, she loved being a vegan. I said I was sorry and begged for her to stop the break. She said "NO" and I said "well I guess it ends here". So we ended up breaking up. A week later she said she missed me during that time we still talked, We went back out but by the end of September we broke up again, she said I hadn't changed at all. We met only once. This time she wanted nothing to do with me and said she didn't trust me any more. I made all the mistakes I could, writing her long texts about how I missed her how I would change and begged her etc. She completely blocked me out of her life socially, I would still send her texts, she would only reply to defend her decision. One day I found out she had sent nude pictures to another boy, this made me so angry and made that I ring her 5 times in a row until she picked up I ended up confronting her (this was the worst decision of my life!) She said she didn't trust me at all and said she didn't love me any more! So I hung up feeling sad and depressed about what I had done. However we still talked casually over text.

 

Two weeks into November I noticed that she kept smiling at me in classes at college, nearly everyday for a week. So i decided to say hi over text. She told me how she had felt about us breaking up and wanted to give me another chance. (She said she sent nudes to make me jealous and hurt because she wanted to make me feel hurt because of what I did). So we ended up talking in person at college and she said she wanted to take things slow. But in the end, still emotionally upset, went too fast and pressed to get back together. (This was a huge mistake, she completely backed away). This completely made her ignore me and we had made plans to meet up that weekend But she decided to back out because of this (which is understandable). I then made more mistakes and said I am sorry and sent texts and stuff but she barely replied.

 

THIS WAS WHEN I DECIDED TO TELL HER WHY I HAD BEEN SO DIFFERENT OVER THE LAST 3-4 MONTHS OF OUR RELATIONSHIP. I had been starving myself a few days a week to lose weight because the truth was I wanted to be fit and healthy as my Girlfriend who was beautiful and Skinny and since she started being vegan and doing lots of exercise she had become even more fit. I suppose I was jealous and tried to starve myself because I thought this was the best way to get slim and fit like her. But I was completely wrong. It made me slimmer but it also made me weak both physically and mentally. This is what I think caused me to hurt her because I could barely think for myself and whenever I said anything I was just blank and never really knew what I had just said. I told her this and she was so angry with me for not telling her. She said things would have been a lot different if I had told her when we were going put that I was like this. Eventually she abandoned me completely... She had been through a similar experience a year before where she starved herself because she thought she was fat and self harmed and now suffers from depression. I asked her why she no longer talked and to my amazement she replied. She said it brought back old memories and that she couldn't deal with the thought that I had been starving myself for so long. She said she would still like to be friends. I rejected this offer and told her It was too painful just to be friends. Since then we have talked occasionally and I still told her my feelings. ( I know I was in the wrong here, But talking to her her made me believe in hope).

 

Our mock exams started so I didn't talk to her because I wanted to give her space because I know she gets really worried about exams and stuff etc. But she wished me luck and I replied and we talked for a bit, but stopped.

 

Eventually coming to the end of December nearly 3 months after we broke up. She was fed up with me pestering her and told me she just didn't love me any more because I hurt her so bad I replied with anger and emotionally upset with a long huge text saying that she never actually cared about me, I did everything for her and that I had said I was sorry and was going to change, Harsh things were said which I didn't mean etc. On that day I found out she had sent another nude to a different boy, which sparked that emotional rant. She never replied. A day later I apologised for this and she replied saying she deserved it and hates herself and said she wanted space. I said she didn't do any thing wrong and that I was wrong for sending that and said okay and goodbye. Since the 18th December I have been doing No contact but I can barely cope.

 

Basically My question is how can I get back with her? I know I don't deserve her at all because of everything I did, but I truly wasn't myself and I have started to change myself for the better and i know I was the one completely at fault here!

 

I would like some advice on what I should do because she has been posting on social media different love quotes and then happy ones and photos of herself, which makes me feel worse. I have no idea if she hates me, likes me, or misses me or just wants nothing to do with me. She ignored me at collage. This is the longest time I haven't spoken to her in 3 years, but she seems fine, we are now on a Christmas break from college and so I don't see her at all and have no idea how she is feeling. Or what she is like apart from what she posts on social media. I have no idea if she is waiting for me to apologise or if she talking to another guy etc.

 

I just would like some advice on what to do because before this we were so happy with each other, we were literally best friends and did everything together. I have now accepted her opinion on doing exercise and being vegan, since this is her choice and I realise this now. and I have stopped starving myself and have become a lot calmer and feel better about myself in the last few weeks, But I still miss her like mad! We were so happy before but now I believe she hates me and has just moved on! But I do over analyse everything. I was thinking about sending a letter to break No contact at Christmas but I'm not sure if that's a good idea. Should I even wish her a happy Christmas? I have considered using a letter like this: called a second chance letter type into Google.

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated. I know a lot of people will think of me as a bad person and just a monster for hurting her but I really do hate myself for doing it! I really do want to change to be a better person and If I get her back I would treat her as if It was my last ever day with her! I truly wasn't Myself and I truly am sorry for what I did! I have never ever felt like this before about someone I know. I really do HATE myself for what I did. Please don't just tell me to move on because I have a gut feeling she still likes me but is scared of me hurting her still.

 

Thanks for reading any help would be greatly appreciated.

[damselindistress1998]

I know that things are going hard for you right now. But give it some time. Don't rush things and think about yourself. Think about everything. Do you really love her? Are you ready to commit yourself? It's good that you've realized your mistakes, and that you admit that you have hurt her too. Stop chasing her, avoid anything that has something to do with her. Rehabilitate yourself, isolate yourself. Isolating in a sense that you are still living life. And while you do that, make sure you think about your decisions properly. On which way you think is right. In love, we have to deal with each others wants. We have to deal with all their flaws. We have to accept them for who they are. I could say she's insecure about herself and I think also, that she's not ready for any commitments yet. We have to enjoy life, because this is the only life we have. As soon as you're ready, try reaching out to her. Ask her out, for coffee or some snack. And start opening things up and start FIXING things. Do not rush. Confront her again, if she really cared. If she really loved you. Our emotions lead us to saying things we shouldn't have said. We need to have a calmed mind, we need to relax. Let it heal for awhile. So you guys can fix things up.

[Krdesigns9]

Okay thank you for your help, it really does help:) thankyou. I will take your advice and I will work on Myself and live life in the mean time, but it is quite hard since we literally did everything together! I really did/do love her and I'm not just saying that, I really do know that she was the one for me but I failed her. She even said it herself that she always wanted to be with me after we broke up, but I made another mistake, so I guess for now she kind of Hates me because I couldn't meet her expectations. But in the mean time I will try to be a better person so next time I meet her I can impress and show her my true self hopefully? Thank you for your help but one question, although I haven't spoken to her at all, should I wish her a merry chrismas and happy new year because we were very close and I believe if I didn't do this she may hate me more and believe that I don't care about her? Thank You!