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He keeps bugging me to take him back


Cheesecake9

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My ex boyfriend broke up with me about 2 months ago because he didn't have time for me, and basically prioritised his new friends over me. I was really upset but thought it was probably for the best because things had been turning sour anyway and this was the second time he's broken up with me, before coming back three months later.

 

So I started the moving on process until eventually I was in a place where I felt good about being single again. However, after about 2 months this ex contacted me claiming he'd been "confused" but that he'd had an "epiphany" and that he'd been miserable without me and would i consider taking him back?

 

I did consider it because I still cared so so much about him but every bone in my body was screaming no, I didn't want to be hurt by him again. But he wouldn't take no for an answer and he kept telling me how much he loved me. Eventually I agreed to see how it went for one month but the very next day I found out he had slept with someone. Obviously none of my business if we'd broken up but the fact he then came back having taken a six week holiday to have sex with other people, expecting nothing to change was so cheeky. He clearly wasn't "miserable" without me. I went absolutely mad and told him never to ask me to get back together with him again because I was done being his plaything. He was really upset and cried and cried, which isn't like him.

 

Fast forward a week and I overheard him telling my friend how much he loves me and wants me back and bla bla bla, which was really hard to hear. He was sporting two very big, fresh hickeys. A little ironic, no?

 

I don't want to get back together with this guy becausr he's messed me about so badly and made me feel like crap but I'm really struggling to move on from him after everything that's happened.

 

NC isn't an option because we're in a VERY tight knit friendship group and neither of us are prepared to miss out on that. And with big events like new year coming up, it's too hard to avoid him.

 

I guess really I just need some reassurance of the decisions I've made and some tips on moving on because I KNOW going back will make the situation worse but it's so hard!

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One side of him wants you and is genuinely upset that you won't have him back; the other side is out of control and that's not likely to change. I think you did the right thing. He's had his chances.

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Do NOT take him back, he does not deserve you. He thinks he can just walk in and out of your life like that?

 

I had mutual friends with an ex and it is hard to avoid them at group events. What I did was treat him like he wasn't there and didn't even look at him once. My friends told me he kept looking my way, hoping I would make eye contact so he can talk to me but I didn't and that it killed him that I treated him as if he was invisible. I suggest you do the same thing, don't waste another minute on these wasters!

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I know, that's the biggest thing that's making me feel ok about it. He keeps coming up with reasons why he broke up with me - he told me family issues made him confused about his feelings on everything. I know he has been through a lot with his family but I just don't know what's true and what's not.

 

I don't have intentions of going back to him but I'm really hurting trying to get over him. HOW DO I DO IT?

 

Yeah, that's really what I've been trying to keep in mind when it comes to coping with seeing him all the time. Hopefully it gets easier

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So I started the moving on process until eventually I was in a place where I felt good about being single again.

 

How do you get over him? Well, you did it once before so it isn't impossible. You can do it again. Remaining in contact and being accessible to what's going on with him is detrimental to you. So, first thing is to stop listening to stories, stop people from giving you information and try to stay away from your circle for just a little bit until you can heal some and find your footing. Your friends, if they are true friends will be there for you no matter what and if it means planning separate activities with you, they'll do it.

 

And chuck all that "reasons why he ended and issues with family" out the door. His reasons and issues are not your problem, especially when it is at the expense of your own emotional health.

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Thanks for all your answers, they really helped me.

 

He did it again though. It was my birthday the other day and because he's in my group of friends, he came on my night out, bought me a drink etc. Everything was fine until he took it upon himself to take me home at the end of the night and he brought it up again. I told him to stop because I didn't want him back but he said "I'm not asking you to take me back, I'm just telling you how I feel." WHY DOES HE FEEL THE NEED TO DO THAT? When he dumped me, I never brought it up, I just accepted it and started to move on. It's like he's trying to make me guilty.

 

Every time he does this all my feelings get thrown back up again and I start to doubt myself for not taking him back because it seems he really does love me, or at least he thinks he does. But I can't because it doesn't make me happy and I don't trust him not to leave me again. He's making me feel really upset and depressed. I go back to square one with moving on and it's not fair any more.

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Thanks for all your answers, they really helped me.

 

He did it again though. It was my birthday the other day and because he's in my group of friends, he came on my night out, bought me a drink etc. Everything was fine until he took it upon himself to take me home at the end of the night and he brought it up again. I told him to stop because I didn't want him back but he said "I'm not asking you to take me back, I'm just telling you how I feel." WHY DOES HE FEEL THE NEED TO DO THAT? When he dumped me, I never brought it up, I just accepted it and started to move on. It's like he's trying to make me guilty.

 

Every time he does this all my feelings get thrown back up again and I start to doubt myself for not taking him back because it seems he really does love me, or at least he thinks he does. But I can't because it doesn't make me happy and I don't trust him not to leave me again. He's making me feel really upset and depressed. I go back to square one with moving on and it's not fair any more.

 

 

You need to avoid talking to him and seeing him completely. Let someone else take you home, call a cab. Don't engage AT ALL. It will get easier.

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Too late, you have allowed him to control your life. He knows how to get to you mentally. This guy is one of the worst be around with. You should have change groups and if you can't then your morals should have put a stop to this. But your love of him still is your weakness. I am sure he knows what buttons to press to get you over to his side.

 

Having Ex and keeping them away is not a problem but you have to be strong minded. You don't want to bring them back in. They're an Ex for a reason. You clearly stated this fact. Don't let him bug you say NO! But you need to change the group your in since he's part of that group. He will always be there to bug you to take him back.

 

Stop it now so you can take control back from him and have a better life with someone else.

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There are many definitions of love, but this one is relevant:

 

"Total commitment to the wellbeing of a person."

 

According to that definition, he clearly does not love you.

 

Think about it.

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He did it again though. It was my birthday the other day and because he's in my group of friends, he came on my night out, bought me a drink etc. Everything was fine until he took it upon himself to take me home at the end of the night and he brought it up again.

 

You're a grown woman, able to make the decision as to who takes you home. He didn't take it upon himself. You allowed him to take control of you. Admit that you wanted to be in a situation of being alone because you wanted to hear what he had to say, you wanted to see if things have changed -- you're still hopeful.

 

I told him to stop because I didn't want him back but he said "I'm not asking you to take me back, I'm just telling you how I feel." WHY DOES HE FEEL THE NEED TO DO THAT? When he dumped me, I never brought it up, I just accepted it and started to move on. It's like he's trying to make me guilty.

 

If you don't want him back, you would have chosen not to be in close proximity or in a situation that had the potential of making you feel uncomfortable.

 

Every time he does this all my feelings get thrown back up again and I start to doubt myself for not taking him back because it seems he really does love me, or at least he thinks he does. But I can't because it doesn't make me happy and I don't trust him not to leave me again. He's making me feel really upset and depressed. I go back to square one with moving on and it's not fair any more.

 

He didn't do anything, OP. You are the only one doing it to yourself.

 

Until you are proactive in creating boundaries to protect yourself, you will keep repeating the cycle.

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Thanks for all your answers, they really helped me.

 

He did it again though. It was my birthday the other day and because he's in my group of friends, he came on my night out, bought me a drink etc. Everything was fine until he took it upon himself to take me home at the end of the night and he brought it up again. I told him to stop because I didn't want him back but he said "I'm not asking you to take me back, I'm just telling you how I feel." WHY DOES HE FEEL THE NEED TO DO THAT? When he dumped me, I never brought it up, I just accepted it and started to move on. It's like he's trying to make me guilty.

 

Every time he does this all my feelings get thrown back up again and I start to doubt myself for not taking him back because it seems he really does love me, or at least he thinks he does. But I can't because it doesn't make me happy and I don't trust him not to leave me again. He's making me feel really upset and depressed. I go back to square one with moving on and it's not fair any more.

 

Perhaps he's telling you because he can't believe he did dump you - but he did and he can't be trusted. He doesn't know his own mind! Go by how he made you feel, not by what he says. He is idealising things now and wondering if he made a mistake. I'd bet if you did take him back, it wouldn't be long before he did another about-turn and you bitterly regretted trusting him again. You deserve someone consistent who knows himself and is honest.

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