He broke up, I want him back

[o__0]

Hello guys!

I'd like to share my story with you in hope I could gain some more knowledge and receive some good advices on how to go on with things in the best way possible.

I'm new here and from Germany, so I hope my English can be well understood.

 

So, I've been in a relationship with a special guy for almost 2 years.

It was a long-distance relationship, and we had our difficulties sometimes, but we loved each other a lot.

We met online on a social network platform, and things between us went greatly, we interacted more and more intimately with each other and very soon found out that we shared a very deep connection with eachother and felt deep affection for on another.

He lives in the US, and I live in Germany. It all started in 2013, and went on for a year without seeing each other in person. I made huge effort to visit him this year in January, and we had an awesome time together in person, where we fell even more in love with each other.

So, after that, things started to get a bit awkward between us, conflicts arised.

But we were optimistic and held onto each other, fighting for resolutions.

I'm not sure how detailed I need to explain the reasons why we had conflicts but I can tell you that I started to receive the things he said to me and the things he did in the wrong ways, I couldn't stop myself acting negatively and seeing him as a threat to me and as a person who wants to harm me, althouhgh he tried to make efforts to show that this was not the case.

But because I had several other relationships in the past that went highly wrong, I drew the lines, compared his actions to past actions of people who hurt me and made wrong assumptions (unintentionally). I found myself outbursting emotionally and panicking sometimes, trying to run away, and then coming back.

I don't know exactly what role he played in all this, but I can tell that he also doubted a lot (if things could work out between us, if I love him, if he loves me, if I'm manipulative, if he's manipulative, if we are compatible) and we constantly were in search for answers through conversations and discussions between each other, through scientific opinions, through friends, etc.

I could say, that things were so complicated and we got more and more sick and tired instead of relaxed and eased. And all we both wanted to do is to make this work (although long-distance relationship).

I take a lot of blame on me because conflicts arised especially because I started becoming overly emotional and reacting in negative ways, addressing anger and sadness to him. I was too jealous and too fearful. It was kind of dramatic, kind of an on-off-relationship. Please know, that I saw all my mistakes and really made true effort to change them, I told him so, and he always told me he understood and forgave me for being like that sometimes, that he believes in me. He always tried to help me. Things kept going on and my emotional burstouts and panick attacks still came frequently. I always made effort afterwards to apologize and make up for those behavioral failures I regretted.

 

Two weeks ago, he broke up with me because he couldn't deal with me any more. He said that he's risking his mental sanity and that he will care about himself now. He said that he fears a manipulative relationship and that I should contact him again after I went through a therapy. He said if I want him back, I should show him that it's worth the risk. I'm not even sure if this is the right thing to say or to do.

Since then, we have no contact, I want to give him and myself space to be by ourselves and to recover.

I'm going into therapy now to find out how I can work on myself and to investigate why things were like that, to seek help how to change myself in the best way possible. I know that there definitely was something wrong with me, so I'd like to investigate that.

 

Well, I will be going to the US next year in January again (booked the flights when we still were together and couldn't cancel them any more because I wouldn't get my money back), and I will stay there at his mom's house because his mom and I are very good friends and she offered me to stay there.

When he broke up with me he told me that he doesn't want to see me then, although we planned this meeting together.

 

So, I'm wondering what I should do now. I somehow wonder if he still cares about me, if he hopes that I would be making true changes to show him that it's worth the risk. I wonder if he still does want to be with me but just fears me.

He doesn't text me at all, nor does he give signs that he still cares. His mom told me that he's in a weird space atm, a lot of partying and being around his guy friends, having a thick wall around him.

 

I know that I wasn't the best I could be, and I know that I made mistakes I genuinely try to make up to, but I wonder if he would ever let me or if he's just done with me. Should I text him that I'm in therapy now? Or should I keep the no-contact-space and wait until january to see if he seeks personal contact with me?

I'd like to get back together with him, and to show that things will never be like before. Please know, that I believe that people can change by will and can be changed by situations. I'm not addicted, I just believe that he's worth to keep.

I'm a person with good intentions and constantly seek to improve myself and to help others to do do as well.

 

Maybe there are some guys out there who can give me good advices on how to show him that I do still care and love him, and that it's a good idea to get back together, without manipulating him into thinking so. I'll be thankful for every honest comment nevertheless.

 

It's a pleasure to me to read your opinions and to have nice conversations with you. Feel free to ask questions if something is unclear to you. I'm not sure how good I explained things to some stranger's view.

 

Thank you very very much.