No contact success?

[lv728n]

Long story short, my ex gf of 3 years, who dumped me 6 mo. back, gets in touch with me after a few months of NC from both of us.

 

She does this by writing me an e-mail. The email says, in so many words that she apologizes for how she acted during the break-up, she's sorry that she hurt me, etc. That we never truly bonded as strongly as she believes we could have during our time together (which is true, by the way, I'll spare you the details of why).

 

She also says she's realized many of her mistakes/faults (never says which ones though).

 

She also ask for forgiveness in the e-mail a couple of times.

 

She ends the e-mail with "I'll always love you".

 

Nowhere in the e-mail does she directly say or (in my opinion) imply that she wants to be in a relationship with me or wants to reconcile.

 

Is she just trying to relieve her own guilt or is she being very coy about testing the waters about possible reconciliation.

[dumbass2]

Sounds like she is feeling guilty and wants you to tell her that you forgive her and that you are doing great so she can move on or maybe that last guy she was seeing did not work out and you might be a fall back option. You are correct in your thinking. She never mentions getting back together to try and give it another chance. If she does not state that clearly and precisely, then she is not interested in doing that. She needs to be the one to say that. You cannot force it or be the one to initiate that.

 

I personally would not respond to something like that, but I also know that it could be very difficult if you still love her and want her back. You need to do what YOU feel you need to do so you do not have any regrets, but if you are not sure what you want, then do absolutely nothing because you will regret it then. If you do respond, just know this will set you back a bit and you need to cut it short and recognize when her words do not reflect her actions. I am big on actions and words matching up. DO NOT put to much into words, only actions. If you feel you are getting mixed signals, there is a reason for that and you need to stay clear.

[lv728n]

So, if I do reply, what do you mean by "cut it short"?

[NopeNah]

So, if I do reply, what do you mean by "cut it short"?

I'd cut it very short....by hitting delete! Seriously!

[EgoJoe]

Do nothing for a month to see if she escalates and to see how you truly feel.

[lv728n]

Wouldn't not replying at all mean = he doesn't want anything to do with me.

 

I mean...I'm thinking, if the situation was reversed and I reached out, and got nothing back...then I'd have to think about moving on since she probably did.

 

Actually, that's exactly what I did think and started to do after I contacted her after she dumped me and she didn't reply. I stopped contacting her and tried to move on.

[solivervolo]

It seems like this site is full of people who don't want you to get back with your ex. I would respond a day or two later with a thanks for the letter and propose a meet up to catch up on things if you are emotionally ready. If you have been no contact with her for months why ignore her furter if she is reaching out? Hopefully you have improved yourself over these months and can appear attractive if that's what you are going for.

[Cailinsona]

I agree with EgoJoe.

 

My ex got in touch with me after ten months of complete NC. He emailed initially- just general chit chat- which I chose not to respond to. I was concerned regarding his true intentions and thought he was just being curious...the notorious breadcrumbs that everyone on here talks about!

 

Over the next month, the emails escalated and he then started calling me. Me not responding just seemed to make him even more determined and ardent with each attempt.

 

I was very wary, but eventually after a month of ignoring him, I agreed to meet him after he admitted that he had made a mistake and wanted to try again.

 

We are taking things slowly and who knows what the future may hold...

 

If your ex is serious about reconciling, she won't give up after one attempt. You have to show her that you are a person of value- that you won't come running back to her so easily- after all what's the rush?

 

Time will reveal her true intentions, so sit back and see what she does next.

 

It's down to her to do all the work and up to you to decide if you want her back in your life.

Edited December 7, 2014 by Cailinsona

[Chin Up]

I hate games and mind reading and all that crap.

 

I'd just reply "I'm confused as to why you're telling me all this?"

Then go from there. Why sit around wondering what she means, when you can ask her.

 

Just sayin...

[erklat]

I hate games and mind reading and all that crap.

 

I'd just reply "I'm confused as to why you're telling me all this?"

Then go from there. Why sit around wondering what she means, when you can ask her.

 

Just sayin...

 

I agree with this. Last girl I was seeing gave me the whole nine yards when

I told her I did not expect this and what is the motive.

 

Ideally it would be so but we know that 'hi, I want to try again' is a bit farfetched.

[BC1980]

Long story short, my ex gf of 3 years, who dumped me 6 mo. back, gets in touch with me after a few months of NC from both of us.

 

She does this by writing me an e-mail. The email says, in so many words that she apologizes for how she acted during the break-up, she's sorry that she hurt me, etc. That we never truly bonded as strongly as she believes we could have during our time together (which is true, by the way, I'll spare you the details of why).

 

She also says she's realized many of her mistakes/faults (never says which ones though).

 

She also ask for forgiveness in the e-mail a couple of times.

 

She ends the e-mail with "I'll always love you".

 

Nowhere in the e-mail does she directly say or (in my opinion) imply that she wants to be in a relationship with me or wants to reconcile.

 

Is she just trying to relieve her own guilt or is she being very coy about testing the waters about possible reconciliation.

 

Based on the substance of the email, it sounds like she wants to end things on good terms. She apologizes and says she will always love you. Most dumpers have guilt, and that is hard to carry around. Any time you hurt someone, you will feel some guilt if you are at all human. Even if there is no reason to feel guilt, the emotion is there.

 

She wants you to have a positive view of her so that she can let go and move on. She might have good intentions, but it's self serving to disrupt your life after several months. If she were testing the waters about reconciliation, I would expect her email to be more of a "hey, what's up. How have you been?" Her email really smacks of someone who is trying to tie things up in a neat, little bow, but she needs your acceptance of her apology to do so. Her email isn't really about opening the doors of communication. It sounds more like she wants to close them once and for all with the classic "I will always love you" line. The entire thing sounds like a send off to me.

[BC1980]

Is she just trying to relieve her own guilt or is she being very coy about testing the waters about possible reconciliation.

 

I'll also add that if she had the courage to dump you, then she has the courage to ask for reconciliation. She dumped you after 3 years, not 3 months of superficial dating. She probably thought long and hard about her decision, so she had to make a hard decision. She is capable of being straightforward. Remember the NC rules. Never reply to anything other than "I want you back." Point blank. That is all you reply to.

[EmbeddedCortex]

I hate games and mind reading and all that crap.

 

I'd just reply "I'm confused as to why you're telling me all this?"

Then go from there. Why sit around wondering what she means, when you can ask her.

 

Just sayin...

 

I tend to agree with this. However....

 

My initial opinion is that she simply wants to end things on good terms and for you to remove her guilt.

 

But it's also a possible way of her reaching out.

 

From my own personal experience, if they want your attention, they'll make sure they'll get it after several tries. My EX did just that, and I took her back, and 2 months later dumped me for someone else again.

 

My final verdict: don't respond. If she wants you back or something, she will care enough to make it clearly known.

[lv728n]

I'm honestly confused by all the advice...some of you are saying delete or dont reply until she tells you she wants you back without prompting.

 

The other half seem to be saying the direct "I want you back" is not likely to happen...so ask her what she wants first.

 

Why not take a middle ground? I mean, I dont want to give up the ball since it's in my court right now. Meaning, I dont want to ask any questions or make any proposals, because that means Im waiting for a reply from her, the ball is in her court in that case and I dont want that.

 

So...why not wait a little bit to reply, like a week, and reply very neutrally and casually with no expectation of a reply and see where she goes from there.

[BC1980]

I'm honestly confused by all the advice...some of you are saying delete or dont reply until she tells you she wants you back without prompting.

 

The other half seem to be saying the direct "I want you back" is not likely to happen...so ask her what she wants first.

 

Why not take a middle ground? I mean, I dont want to give up the ball since it's in my court right now. Meaning, I dont want to ask any questions or make any proposals, because that means Im waiting for a reply from her, the ball is in her court in that case and I dont want that.

 

So...why not wait a little bit to reply, like a week, and reply very neutrally and casually with no expectation of a reply and see where she goes from there.

 

What do you propose to say in your reply?

[NopeNah]

I'm honestly confused by all the advice...some of you are saying delete or dont reply until she tells you she wants you back without prompting.

 

The other half seem to be saying the direct "I want you back" is not likely to happen...so ask her what she wants first.

 

Why not take a middle ground? I mean, I dont want to give up the ball since it's in my court right now. Meaning, I dont want to ask any questions or make any proposals, because that means Im waiting for a reply from her, the ball is in her court in that case and I dont want that.

 

So...why not wait a little bit to reply, like a week, and reply very neutrally and casually with no expectation of a reply and see where she goes from there.

I'm in the delete camp,obviously. If you plan on waiting a week,then there you'll be counting day-day for the time to respond..that's 7days wasted and over thinking. Pretty much if you plan on responding, I'd do it as quick as possible,like ripping off a band-aid. But, I'd keep it VERY short and to the point.. Pretty much: "hey. We all have faults." What else is there to say really? You don't want to appease her 'guilt' by offering forgiveness.. I don't know..I honestly would leave it.

[toffeecream77]

Take your time and think about it. No need to rush.

 

A previous poster suggested a simple, positive reply accepting her apology. I like that. And if you feel strong enough, to suggest to meet with her. But don't expect anything from her. And do expect her to have met someone, or at least be dating...if you're not strong enough to face that, then you're not ready to meet her.

 

Good luck!

[Mitzimojo]

That is the first thing that you should ask yourself is: do you really want her back? You don't say in your post. Would you have reached out to her if she hadn't reached out to you?

 

Take the next few days to think about it. if you decide you do want to reconcile respond with a "thank you" and see what happens.

 

Make sure before you respond that you are ready to deal with the possibility that she does not want you back but that she is just trying to wrap things up. If you reach out and she doesn't respond are you going to be ok? You have had three months to get over this girl. Do you want to stir it all up again?

 

Good luck, stay strong and don't worry. Everything is going to be amazing.

[lv728n]

What do you propose to say in your reply?

 

Thanks for everyone's advice.

 

I'll be honest, all of you who have implied that I somehow say something that directly says or implies forgiveness, I can't. because that would be a lie on my part and would be "letting go of the ball" in a way. I don't want to give up control in this situation after having lost it after the break-up,I'm sure you understand. I'd need to discuss a lot of things with her first to offer honest forgiveness.

 

But I also don't want to seem desperate to reply quickly because in that e-mail she says things other than she messed up and wanting forgiveness, in it she says she is very lonely, lost, etc and doesn't know whom to turn to except me.

 

I don't want to seem desperate to talk to her or else she'll think she can walk all over me or that I'm still pining for her, a selfish presumption on her part.

 

So, I thought of saying something very brief and neutral, something along the lines of: everything is great with me, I hope your dad (he got sick not long ago with a serious disease) is doing well. Best.

 

That way she has something to respond to if she wants to (tell me about her dad).

 

Thoughts?

[lv728n]

That is the first thing that you should ask yourself is: do you really want her back? You don't say in your post. Would you have reached out to her if she hadn't reached out to you?

 

The honest truth is: I don't know if I want her back.

 

No, I would not have reached out to her because I did that after the break-up and she was silent. I did what I could. I'm not going to become spineless.

 

What I know for sure is, if she wants back in, she'll have to work for it. One e-mail where she expresses how bad her life is and how bad she feels, isn't going to cut it. Cause she'll cut and run just as quick the second time around unless she works hard to get what she wants.

 

That's human nature, no? You don't want to let go of what you work hard for.

[EgoJoe]

Do nothing. Focus on you.

[MrWhite]

"The honest truth is: I don't know if I want her back."

 

 

This might answer everything.

No need to reply or a simple reply keeping the ball in your court. I say let her try again. Another attempt on her part might be different.

No reply could and most likely signal to her "I never want to talk to you again".

 

 

It might be a battle of pride anyways.

 

 

With the cryptic message, she is looking to see if you are possibly still interested in her, not directly or fully apologizing, and basically saving herself from getting hurt by asking or saying too much.

She is looking for an easy way back into your life.

 

 

If you are unwilling to bend or give an inch, then it will never happen anyways.

 

 

I say wait for another attempt.

[lv728n]

"

I say let her try again. Another attempt on her part might be different.

No reply could and most likely signal to her "I never want to talk to you again"....

 

 

It might be a battle of pride anyways....

She is looking for an easy way back into your life.

 

 

If you are unwilling to bend or give an inch, then it will never happen anyways.

 

 

I say wait for another attempt.

 

 

 

How do I "give her an inch" but keep the ball in my court at the same time?

 

Everything you said above, by the ways, is basically what I think is going on to be honest...but what do I know.

Edited December 13, 2014 by lv728n

[lostintranslation1]

I have dealt with something similar, and have read all the replies in this thread. I believe you are being given thoughtful advice from both sides of the coin.

 

As you've said, you don't really know if you want her back. And truth be told, that makes perfect sense. AFter all, she left you, and instead of coming straight out with it in an email, she is treading water lightly as to not appear too vulnerable.

 

That said, she could be treading lightly because she does not want to get hurt again by not appearing overly vulnerable and you not replying/replying with something too short.

 

On the other hand, she could simply be messaging you because she feels bad for what happens and this is her way of closure.

 

I think the "I'll always love you" part on the end is VERY important to take note of. I think if she wanted to get back with you, she would not end with that. I think she would have ended with "it would be nice to know how you're doing" or something along those lines. But the fact that ended with that, and used the word love, without any sort of prompting question about it suggests to me she is simply doing this to gain forgiveness from you and give her peace of mind.

 

I truly feel that this is the case (could be wrong).

 

My suggestion is you have to ask yourself:

 

1) Do I want to give her forgiveness?

2) Is this email enough for me to offer her forgiveness?

3) Do I still want to get back together with her?

 

Because you've admitted you are unsure of the answer to question (3), I think it's best to leave it alone. There is no rush to offer her forgiveness.

 

IF you can answer yes to all three questions, I would reply with a medium sized response saying that you appreciate her emailing you, that you've learned from the relationship, have become a better man because of it, and you are enjoying life.

 

That way, it shows that her email is just water off your back and it doesn't look like you've been waiting and waiting for this email from her. THAT puts the ball back in her court if she wants to respond.

 

IF you answer a 'NO' to one of the first two questions, do not respond. Simple as that.

[MrWhite]

I agree with lostintranslation1's plan and options. Nicely said.

 

 

First, you might not want to contact anyways.

 

 

Second, If you have any interest, I would wait for another attempt.

OR

After an extended amount of time has past, then, maybe, send something very simple so she does not assume that you never want to ever talk to her again.

Reply with a simple sentence, "What does all this mean?" Let her read into that.

 

 

"How do I "give her an inch" but keep the ball in my court at the same time?"

Your inch is just communication to start.