I messed up

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Enough with the rhymes for this post.

 

My ex girlfriend recently contacted me and we hung out. I adore this girl, and now I'm soooo confused. I'm hoping you guys can be real with me and tell me how to handle this. I'm pretty sure I understand already, deep down, what I need to do, but I'm hoping that maybe some more centered individuals on this forum can let me know, in harsh or polite words, what I'm doing wrong.

 

So, she contacts me out of the blue, and says she wants to meet up. We hang out, have a good time, and end up spending a few nights together. Now....when we first started hanging out again, she was all smiles and laughs, and we were having a great time. Turns out she was breaking it off with some guy she had been seeing (who I found out was the guy she dumped ME for...) and I guess was looking for comfort.

 

During the first few times we hung out, she had told me how she regretted breaking up with me, that she wished we were still together. It's been roughly 3 months or so.

 

She cried, we slept together, cuddled and everything.

 

She texted me nonstop over the next few days, and it really felt like she was being sincere. Of course, not being over her completely, I obliged her communication.

 

She admitted to me, and I quote "I lied about not having feelings for you. I still have feelings for you".

 

As of last night, she clarified and told me she didn't want to hurt me, that she's sorry she wasted my time, and that she "has feelings for me, but those feelings are just as friends".

 

Now, I've been an a-hole/selfish most of my life, and I only recently have started to realize that I have been unhealthy and unproductive for a long stint. I've been changing my ways, slowly but surely, but one problem I have is that I am a man who is unfortunately, ruled by his emotions. I do have an anger problem, although I have vastly improved upon dealing with my anger in productive ways rather than lashing out to those I love.

 

With that being said, I'm so ****ing confused and heartbroken right now. I confessed that I had loved her, and still do. After this confession, she literally did a 180 and I fear that she was only using me for comfort when breaking up with her boyfriend...who seems to be doing the same thing to her that she did to me during the end of OUR relationship (ignoring, always being busy, etc).

 

I have a problem saying "I love you" because of the gravity of those words, and I often have to force it out. But when I do say it, I mean it. Even if I never talk to the person again for whatever reason, I said it because I meant it!

 

Once I uttered those words to her, it's like she got what she wanted and is ready to disappear again.

 

I feel like I've just been gutted, and then pointed / laughed at.

 

I'm actually pretty hurt about this. I sent her a text this morning after she had went home and basically explained to her that because I still have feelings for her, I can't be the "friend" that she needs. (Someone to dump her emotional feelings about her boyfriends and how its not working out for her). I explained that I need to heal my heart and move on. She hasn't responded, and I doubt she will.

 

I know I should've not have responded when she first got in touch with me and I should have just left her alone. Now my heart is shattered once more, and I have to ****ing be angry not to want to feel sad about all this. I'd rather be angry than sad.

 

This sounds more like a rant than anything, but I'm just so confused. I mean, it's obvious she liked me a lot. Or at least I thought. The way she looked at me, the way she held me, the way she kissed me.

 

Am I just lying to myself thinking she really wanted something more from me? Was I expecting too much? Is she just playing games? Am I justifying her actions because I care about her very much?

 

Am I being played?

Edited November 28, 2014 by DrReplyInRhymes

[LifeGoesOnMan]

the story you tell plays on repeat

 

these threads are full of tales of deceit

 

but one more time, I guess I will say

 

the b1tch is playing you, NC all the way.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/462922-if-you-want-them-back#post5548039

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/84894-guide-second-chances

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide

[blackcat777]

NC, definitely. Were you in NC before this happened, and if so, for how long?

 

These sort of situations do make me wonder... if one DOES want an ex back... the speed at which one reengages an ex seems critical.

 

Hypothetically speaking, if a person goes strict NC after a breakup, six months go by, and suddenly an ex reappears, banging down the door and talking the talk, "I made the biggest mistake of my life! I want you back! Whatever can I do to prove it to you?"

 

The only safe way to deal with this, IMHO, would be AS SLOWLY AS POSSIBLE. Let the ex initiate 100% of the time. Move slow. 1950s iron underwear slow. Jumping into bed with someone who has the power to run your heart through a paper shredder yet again seems like an awful idea.

 

Let them initiate contact. You mirror, and keep one hand on the e-brake. When your emotions are on the line and commitment from another person is a big question mark, the only safe way I can imagine progressing is with a Rules-inspired philosophy (interpreted as defensive dating designed to screen for authenticity of commitment).

 

If you're going to be with someone forever, you'll have forever, so take your time...

 

Getting back with an ex, no matter how much they say the things you've wanted to hear the whole time, seems SO extremely dangerous and this happens to people all the time. I just can't think of any other safe way to move forward when confronted with a mirage of reconciliation. A dumpee moving slowly seems to be the only way to ferret out if it's for real or for an ego-boost, a passing fancy, etc.

 

Just my rambling thoughts...

 

And when I say slow, I mean they call for a date, they pick me up, we talk, it's great, and they can walk me to my door and give me a goodnight kiss. NO. They don't get to come inside... (no matter how horny I am, no matter how much I've missed them, no, no, and NO)

 

Of course, my ex has yet to call. But this is all he'd get for a good little while, and I'd have to be CERTAIN he'd jump in a fire for me before I take off my clothes (maybe he could initiate and give me a demonstration). Otherwise, I'm the one who gets thrown in the fire, and that already happened once, so I'm not keen on repeating that.

Edited November 28, 2014 by blackcat777

[DrReplyInRhymes]

NC, definitely. Were you in NC before this happened, and if so, for how long?

 

These sort of situations do make me wonder... if one DOES want an ex back... the speed at which one reengages an ex seems critical.

 

Hypothetically speaking, if a person goes strict NC after a breakup, six months go by, and suddenly an ex reappears, banging down the door and talking the talk, "I made the biggest mistake of my life! I want you back! Whatever can I do to prove it to you?"

 

The only safe way to deal with this, IMHO, would be AS SLOWLY AS POSSIBLE. Let the ex initiate 100% of the time. Move slow. 1950s iron underwear slow. Jumping into bed with someone who has the power to run your heart through a paper shredder yet again seems like an awful idea.

 

Let them initiate contact. You mirror, and keep one hand on the e-brake. When your emotions are on the line and commitment from another person is a big question mark, the only safe way I can imagine progressing is with a Rules-inspired philosophy (interpreted as defensive dating designed to screen for authenticity of commitment).

 

If you're going to be with someone forever, you'll have forever, so take your time...

 

Getting back with an ex, no matter how much they say the things you've wanted to hear the whole time, seems SO extremely dangerous and this happens to people all the time. I just can't think of any other safe way to move forward when confronted with a mirage of reconciliation. A dumpee moving slowly seems to be the only way to ferret out if it's for real or for an ego-boost, a passing fancy, etc.

 

Just my rambling thoughts...

 

And when I say slow, I mean they call for a date, they pick me up, we talk, it's great, and they can walk me to my door and give me a goodnight kiss. NO. They don't get to come inside... (no matter how horny I am, no matter how much I've missed them, no, no, and NO)

 

Of course, my ex has yet to call. But this is all he'd get for a good little while, and I'd have to be CERTAIN he'd jump in a fire for me before I take off my clothes (maybe he could initiate and give me a demonstration). Otherwise, I'm the one who gets thrown in the fire, and that already happened once, so I'm not keen on repeating that.

 

I have been no contact for approximately 3 months, which is about the entirety of their relationship...she claimed.

 

Thank you for the rock solid advice.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I've thought about this for about 6 hours or so and I feel like I will do as you advised and wait for her to initiate contact to see if reconciliation is even something she's interested in. However, due to the events that unfolded, I'm leaning toward chalking this up as a lesson learned, and to not respond to her attempts at "being my friend".

 

Wish I didn't learn **** the hard way.

[writergal]

Exes are an "ex" for a reason. It does sound like she needed an ego boost after her most recent breakup (after her breakup with you). Of course you willingly obliged because of your unresolved feelings. Don't beat yourself up about that.

 

Something I've learned with dating and falling in love (and need to remind myself of), is that you can never make love "safe." And by "safe" I mean, reciprocated. Love is not something we have control over; how we receive it or how we give it. It just "is." And the hard part is finding that other person who wants to receive yours and reciprocate it without any strings attached / conditions. Sure, real love can involve compromises, but not demands.

 

If you try to force someone to love you, it ceases to be love. You can't force someone to conform to your standards of what "love" looks like to you. You have to let that person just be who they are and then it's up to you to choose whether or not you "love" them and accept them "as is." That person has to come to you and reciprocate your love on their own terms. If they refuse to, then they don't love you. And there's nothing you can do to change their mind. Believe me, I've tried and it's never worked.

 

Am I just lying to myself thinking she really wanted something more from me? Was I expecting too much? Is she just playing games? Am I justifying her actions because I care about her very much?

 

Am I being played?

 

 

Only you know if you're lying to yourself, thinking she wanted something more from you. What do you think?

 

As far as your expectations. I think you were expecting her to reciprocate your love which she wouldn't (?) do before when you were together. I can see how her actions confused you because they appeared to be genuine. She even told you she lied to you about not still loving you and that she loved you, yet then recanted and said she didn't love you and only viewed you as a friend. Only someone who plays mind games with people can go from love to friendship that swiftly after a breakup. And I think it's natural to justify our ex's actions after a breakup if we want them back. Yes, I do think you were being played. I think she is toxic to your well being and is someone you need to stay away from until you can completely heal emotionally.

 

If you maintain any level of contact with her, that's the equivalent of picking at an open wound instead of letting it naturally heal. You'll only scar yourself more if you continue to text/email/call/see her right now. Don't do it!

 

I don't know if anything I've said has been helpful. I feel bad for you - for anyone in these situations with exes.

Edited November 28, 2014 by writergal

[writergal]

I've thought about this for about 6 hours or so and I feel like I will do as you advised and wait for her to initiate contact to see if reconciliation is even something she's interested in. However, due to the events that unfolded, I'm leaning toward chalking this up as a lesson learned, and to not respond to her attempts at "being my friend".

 

Wish I didn't learn **** the hard way.

 

The only way to learn life lessons is "the hard way." Otherwise we'd miss the point of the experience, and how despite the negative outcome, our life is better for it. Maybe you needed to overcome your fear of saying "I love you," and she presented you with an opportunity to take that risk. The risk didn't pay off because she back peddled and broke your heart. Instead of focusing on the negative outcome blaming her, see the silver lining: you had enough confidence to be emotionally vulnerable with another person. You took a huge risk. Huge! It's extremely scary to be that emotionally vulnerable with another person, to tell them you love them, not knowing if they'll reciprocate.

 

If your gut is telling you to maintain no contact right now because you know deep down you can't be her casual friend due to your feelings for her, then honor yourself by creating a boundary for her. Tell her you can't be there for her right now, that you need to focus on your own healing. She will have to go find someone else to dump her relationship problems on. She is no longer allowed to take advantage of you the way she just recently has done. That was cruel what she did to you. Cruel. Don't give her another opportunity to do that to you again.

[BC1980]

I've thought about this for about 6 hours or so and I feel like I will do as you advised and wait for her to initiate contact to see if reconciliation is even something she's interested in. However, due to the events that unfolded, I'm leaning toward chalking this up as a lesson learned, and to not respond to her attempts at "being my friend".

 

Wish I didn't learn **** the hard way.

 

Well, I've found that the best way to learn a lesson is the hard way, which is to experience it. Just don't experience it again, okay? Once is enough. I think the timing of her supposedly wanting to get back together is very much dependent on her recent breakup. She was lonely, she wanted an ego boost, and she went back to a sure thing. I'm not even saying she plotted it out like that because I think that most people don't think that deeply. I think most of us simply go with what feels good or right in the moment. Emotions usually trump logic, which is what happened to you, as well. You jumped into beg with her without weighing the consequences. Don't beat yourself up. You're only human, and most of us have probably done something similar.

 

I highly doubt she wants reconciliation, and I would not respond if she contacts you again. I think you've given her enough changes to break your heart, so it's time to let this one go.

[dumbass2]

You can make a mistake once and learn from it. There is nothing wrong with that. There is no making the same mistake twice. Second time around it is not a mistake, it is a conscious choice.

 

Live and learn. Do whatever you feel you need to for yourself so you never look back with regret. We all make mistakes. The million dollar question is....do we learn from them?

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Exes are an "ex" for a reason. It does sound like she needed an ego boost after her most recent breakup (after her breakup with you). Of course you willingly obliged because of your unresolved feelings. Don't beat yourself up about that.

 

Something I've learned with dating and falling in love (and need to remind myself of), is that you can never make love "safe." And by "safe" I mean, reciprocated. Love is not something we have control over; how we receive it or how we give it. It just "is." And the hard part is finding that other person who wants to receive yours and reciprocate it without any strings attached / conditions. Sure, real love can involve compromises, but not demands.

 

If you try to force someone to love you, it ceases to be love. You can't force someone to conform to your standards of what "love" looks like to you. You have to let that person just be who they are and then it's up to you to choose whether or not you "love" them and accept them "as is." That person has to come to you and reciprocate your love on their own terms. If they refuse to, then they don't love you. And there's nothing you can do to change their mind. Believe me, I've tried and it's never worked.

 

 

 

Only you know if you're lying to yourself, thinking she wanted something more from you. What do you think?

 

As far as your expectations. I think you were expecting her to reciprocate your love which she wouldn't (?) do before when you were together. I can see how her actions confused you because they appeared to be genuine. She even told you she lied to you about not still loving you and that she loved you, yet then recanted and said she didn't love you and only viewed you as a friend. Only someone who plays mind games with people can go from love to friendship that swiftly after a breakup. And I think it's natural to justify our ex's actions after a breakup if we want them back. Yes, I do think you were being played. I think she is toxic to your well being and is someone you need to stay away from until you can completely heal emotionally.

 

If you maintain any level of contact with her, that's the equivalent of picking at an open wound instead of letting it naturally heal. You'll only scar yourself more if you continue to text/email/call/see her right now. Don't do it!

 

I don't know if anything I've said has been helpful. I feel bad for you - for anyone in these situations with exes.

 

You have a way with words, and what you said has helped greatly, thank you.

 

I do agree she was just using me to feel better about herself and how the guy she dumped me for wasn't giving her the attention she wanted. It just seemed that way, and I think she knew deep down that I still had feelings for her. She claims she ended the relationship with the other guy because she "couldn't choose" between us, but the fact is that when I was with her, I SAW the text saying "You lying bitch, don't ever contact me again". That just goes to tell me that the guy saw through her charade, much like I did when I sensed she was pulling away the first time we were together.

 

I am an emotional wreck right now, and probably need to put this on a shelf right now. I know I'm not over her.....spend a few days with her getting spoonfed lies about getting back together only to have it come crashing down right away. Glutton for punishment maybe?

 

You are right though. I did break that barrier, and I let my guard down enough to actually utter those words to her. They obviously weren't reciprocated, and I certainly lashed out instead of accepting that she simply didn't feel the same way about me. I think she was trying to "hurt me back" from the first time we were together when she said she loved me within a month of being together, and I told her that I couldn't say it back right away because I wanted to be sure what I felt WAS love and I would wait a few months.

 

She has this power over me. She comes back into my life only a few days, and my ****ing world turned upside down. I want to be with her dearly, but not at the expense of respect and my mental health.

 

Thank you all for the kind words and I do appreciate it. I will work on finding a balance emotionally, and using logic to dictate my course of action instead of emotion.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Well, I've found that the best way to learn a lesson is the hard way, which is to experience it. Just don't experience it again, okay? Once is enough. I think the timing of her supposedly wanting to get back together is very much dependent on her recent breakup. She was lonely, she wanted an ego boost, and she went back to a sure thing. I'm not even saying she plotted it out like that because I think that most people don't think that deeply. I think most of us simply go with what feels good or right in the moment. Emotions usually trump logic, which is what happened to you, as well. You jumped into beg with her without weighing the consequences. Don't beat yourself up. You're only human, and most of us have probably done something similar.

 

I highly doubt she wants reconciliation, and I would not respond if she contacts you again. I think you've given her enough changes to break your heart, so it's time to let this one go.

 

I think you hit it spot on, and I just need to recognize this.

[BC1980]

I do agree she was just using me to feel better about herself and how the guy she dumped me for wasn't giving her the attention she wanted. It just seemed that way, and I think she knew deep down that I still had feelings for her.

 

Of course, she knew you had feelings for her. That's why she picked you to go back to. I had a relationship in college like that. I had more feelings for the guy than he had for me, and we were off and on for 2 yrs. He would date other people but always come back to me because he knew I had feelings for him. He knew I would always pick up the phone and go for round 3 billion with him.

[writergal]

DRIR:

 

Oh, what I meant in my previous post about you breaking the barrier by admitting to her that you loved her, was to encourage you to be proud of yourself for being emotional vulnerable. It's very scary to be that open with another person when you aren't sure of what their response will be. A lot of people never get the chance to be that vulnerable with another person. And the more times you are, the less scary it becomes.

 

As far as how you cope with the aftermath of this experience: there's nothing wrong with using your emotional mind in conjunction with your rational mind to help you cope with the loss of your relationship. When you combine emotion and rational thought, you can achieve a sort of mindfulness. So, mindfulness is part-rational thinking, part-emotional response.

 

Does that make any sense? About being mindful? You don't have to run out and buy a saffron robe, incense sticks, a copy of The Eight Noble Truths, shave your head and give yourself a Buddhist name to use Mindfulness as an everyday tool for forming and maintaining your relationships (romantic, business, friendship, etc.).

 

Mindfulness is about training your own mind to transform traumatic experiences like a break-up, into a state of full and complete awareness - objective awareness about the situation. And being fully aware means that you don't judge yourself or the other person, that you don't limit your thinking by dwelling on the past, or dwelling on a negative or even a positive emotion.

 

You literally become a detached observer when you engage Mindful thinking of your life. Some label it as Vipassana Meditation (self-actualized thinking and observing). You can say to yourself, "I"m aware that I feel rage at [ex's name] right now for

1. and that feeling of rage makes me physically feel [name the physical feeling] and makes me emotionally feel [name the emotion other than rage, which is usually sadness or grief that rage disguises as a method of self-preservation]. Have I lost you yet? Hope not.

 

Use mindfulness to get control over your mind, over your emotional state (rage, sadness, confusion) and your physical state (fatigue, aches, loss of hunger, insomnia). It's a five step process, according to author Thich Nhat Hanh:

 

1. Recognize the emotion.

 

2. Embrace the emotion (i.e. feel it but don't act it).

 

3. Calm the emotion (observe what emotion you are feeling to take the physical response away which is the cause-effect of an emotional reaction: rage -> punch a hole in the wall). Usually rhythmic breathing helps calm the emotional response down to zero (breathe in -> acknowledge the emotion, "rage," breathe out -> acknowledge letting go of the desire to physically react "no rage."

 

4. Release the emotion. This means you continue step 3: breathe out, "no rage." The more you can tell yourself that as you breathe out, the more true it becomes and the less power it has over you. In essence, it will take away your desire to react to the emotion (you won't want to punch a wall).

 

5. Examine the emotion's core: Visualize the word "rage." What images pop in your mind? The more you observe what's tied to the rage, the more understanding you will achieve as to why certain things cause a rage response. Does that make any sense?

 

Any fellow Buddhists here want to help me explain this Vipassana Meditation process to the OP more clearly?

 

From everything that you've written, it's clear she never had good intentions with you. That she manipulated you emotionally and tried to invalidate you when you started to pick up on what she was doing, as a way to deflect any guilt she may feel (really self-absorbed people feel no guilt as they are social wolves in sheep's clothing and know how to push people's buttons and then invalidate the person when they call out the manipulator).

 

Right now you're an emotional wreck (anyone would be in your situation). The trick is to find and use cognitive tools like Mindfulness (or art therapy, or music, or exercise, or work or socializing, etc) to help you transform the pain and trauma into something better.

 

Hope that helps somewhat. Hang in there. You will get through this.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

It's very peculiar that you mention this, and at great length. Someone dear to me has been saying this exact thing to me as of late, albeit with different words.

 

You've simplified a way to self actualize, and it's endearing really.

 

Without diluting my thanks over rhymes and posts, I have taken your post to heart.

 

Thank you.

 

Of course, she knew you had feelings for her. That's why she picked you to go back to. I had a relationship in college like that. I had more feelings for the guy than he had for me, and we were off and on for 2 yrs. He would date other people but always come back to me because he knew I had feelings for him. He knew I would always pick up the phone and go for round 3 billion with him.

 

As much as I hate to admit it, I think you're absolutely right.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I've been working on this whole mindfulness thing and I realize that....as a guy....I don't really control my emotions very much at all. It's actually quite an epiphany...

 

I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I used to think that was a good thing until within the last year, I'm realizing that's not necessarily a good thing at all. In fact, the men I admired growing up in my life were all emotionally distant...which drives women crazy over them. Don't believe me? Check the whole dating section. Add to that my own experiences of losing the women I liked due to problems related with this, and it becomes a whole problem I never addressed.

 

I simply become a little bitch when I'm with a woman I really like. It boils down to this immature, yet boldly extravagant detail.

 

When I'm single, and loving life, I realize I'm being me. When I get into a relationship with a woman I like, I think that because of my emotional infancy, I tend to do everything that distills the attraction they felt beforehand; ESPECIALLY when I can sense they are starting to lose that attraction. As I've read and seen about so much, we try to cling on harder, which just pushes them further away.

 

 

 

She has blocked me from future communication. I know this because after the last time we talked, I tried to call her only to get met with some "The number that you have dialed has calling restrictions that have prevented the completion of this call" message. Although I will miss her company and sharing time with her, I'm determined to becoming more mindful and using this opportunity to learn a bit of self control in the emotional department, and to learn how to get less attached to women so quickly. I will not chase her, I will not contact her, and I will simply move on with a learned experience. I do not like being this upset over someone, it's ****ing pathetic really. I'm not even mourning the loss of her presence at this point, I'm more perplexed and confused how someone can look at you with eyes that are OBVIOUSLY saying "I like you" and words coming out of their mouth saying "I like you", but 2 days later...blocks you from communicating with her. What the actual ****??

 

No one comes out of a relationship unscathed, and I will be the first to admit I could have obviously been a better boyfriend. But that's in the past, we're in the future, and her decision to not include me in her future is something I should probably just accept already. Use this experience as a learning one for the next girl that gets my attention.

 

I find this whole thing quite amusing as I had always thought I wouldn't be the type of guy who has problem with relationships with women. But alas, unmarried and without any real prospects.....Can't say I'm successful with this endeavor either...

Edited December 9, 2014 by DrReplyInRhymes

[idoltree]

In fact, the men I admired growing up in my life were all emotionally distant...which drives women crazy over them. Don't believe me? Check the whole dating section.

 

This is simple confirmation bias. This website serves as a place where people who are hurting or confused over interpersonal relationships can post their thoughts. As a result, it tends to attract the anxiously attached personalities, who go (like moths to a flame) for the avoidant personalities. You don't see securely attached people here posting about the guy who is emotionally distant, because that doesn't make them more attracted to him. It's a red flag, and secure in their own worth, they won't torture themselves over the "whys" and they won't search for strategies to fix it. They'll accept that person as not right for them and move on to someone more secure.

 

So, if you want to be emotionally distant, be prepared to repel the emotionally healthy gals and only attract the anxiously attached ones. But, at your heart, you are anxiously attached, so those aren't going to work out long term, either. You won't be attracted to an anxious girl, and you'll end up breaking some poor girl's heart in the name of trying to be someone you're not. No, you need to be balanced. You need to try to not lose yourself in a relationship and hand over all of your power. It is possible to do that and show emotions. You just need to do it in a healthy way. I will also say that women are attracted to confidence, and you are lacking in that, probably because you tend to hand over all of your power to women you like, and then are left emotionally depleted. That depletion then becomes evidence to yourself that you have to anxiously attach to someone so you don't ever feel that way again.

 

Really, the answer for you is to heal yourself. Love yourself enough so that you don't lose yourself to someone else. Don't fear the pain of losing a relationship; know that you'll get through it. That is your secret to success at having a happy life and eventually finding the emotionally healthy girl for you, not shutting down and become an unavailable a-hole.

 

Secondly, on the confirmation bias front, there are just as many insecure and anxious men posting on those boards about a distant woman (*cough cough* your situation *cough*.) You're only noting and recording the ones from women worried about a guy, because that's what you want to see. You want a quick fix and a way to never be hurt again, so of course you're reaching for the "yes, yes, I'll just be purposefully unavailable!" strategy because it's quick and you will have the upper hand. But, again, you're not going to attract a healthy woman that way; you'll repel them. You will attract a high-anxiety type who will chase you, and that won't work either because you're not attracted to those women and you are anxious at heart. What you want is a woman on the secure/avoidant border. Someone warm, confident and independent.

 

Add to that my own experiences of losing the women I liked due to problems related with this, and it becomes a whole problem I never addressed.

Your problem is running away from yourself and looking for someone to complete you. There are things about yourself that you need to work on so you stop this habit. Also, you choose women who avoid emotional entanglements, and when you feel them distancing, you give more and chase more, which causes them to distance themselves more.

 

I simply become a little bitch when I'm with a woman I really like. It boils down to this immature, yet boldly extravagant detail.

I want a guy who can show emotions. That's part of the fun of an intimate relationship - seeing the soft parts of your man... the face he can't show the rest of the world and knowing that he adores you.

 

Strike that balance of confidence, independence, and affection. That's what women want. It's what men want, too. We're all human beings here.

 

When I'm single, and loving life, I realize I'm being me. When I get into a relationship with a woman I like, I think that because of my emotional infancy, I tend to do everything that distills the attraction they felt beforehand; ESPECIALLY when I can sense they are starting to lose that attraction. As I've read and seen about so much, we try to cling on harder, which just pushes them further away.

Because of the power dynamic. You are attracted to avoidant women who will be repelled by your looking to them to complete you. The answer for you is not to become avoidant yourself.

 

Read up on attachment theory to further understand this. As the anxiously attached type, you need to move toward security by increasing your sense of self, loving yourself, and knowing that you're A-OK on your own. A particular woman is not the answer to the pain that you're constantly running from.

 

I second the recommendation of mindfulness that was posted above. You learn to just sit with yourself; to just be. You'll learn to let painful emotions happen, but to detach from them. In that way you remove their power over you. You stop running. It is totally liberating and it is what you need. Can you look for some meditation classes in your area? I did some last year and it was very helpful. I'm of the anxious sort, myself, so I know how this stuff works.

 

I think you're awesome. I love your rhyming posts. I can totally see you as you, but adding in some zen and confidence. I think you will - no doubt! - attract an awesome woman that way.

Edited December 9, 2014 by idoltree

[DrReplyInRhymes]

This is simple confirmation bias. This website serves as a place where people who are hurting or confused over interpersonal relationships can post their thoughts. As a result, it tends to attract the anxiously attached personalities, who go (like moths to a flame) for the avoidant personalities. You don't see securely attached people here posting about the guy who is emotionally distant, because that doesn't make them more attracted to him. It's a red flag, and secure in their own worth, they won't torture themselves over the "whys" and they won't search for strategies to fix it. They'll accept that person as not right for them and move on to someone more secure.

 

Interesting how you say this, and I understand that we are getting a small percentage of views, along with an even smaller percentage that is "hurt" on these forums in some way. However, being emotionally damaged myself makes this a hard concept to relate to. Not the concept of hurt and anxious people on the forum, but rather, my own inability to see this anxious personality in myself clearly.

 

I must warn you, I am not an anxious individual and am very audacious when it comes to people and socialization. Although I am a self-defined narcissist, and I'm confident a therapist would most likely agree, I can completely understand what you say when the way I act with women I'm smitten with is that of an anxiously attached individual. It's like night and day really, because the cool, calm, and collected guy they originally meet and dated slowly deteriorates it seems, or so I've surmised.

 

So, if you want to be emotionally distant, be prepared to repel the emotionally healthy gals and only attract the anxiously attached ones. But, at your heart, you are anxiously attached, so those aren't going to work out long term, either. You won't be attracted to an anxious girl, and you'll end up breaking some poor girl's heart in the name of trying to be someone you're not. No, you need to be balanced. You need to try to not lose yourself in a relationship and hand over all of your power. It is possible to do that and show emotions. You just need to do it in a healthy way. I will also say that women are attracted to confidence, and you are lacking in that, probably because you tend to hand over all of your power to women you like, and then are left emotionally depleted. That depletion then becomes evidence to yourself that you have to anxiously attach to someone so you don't ever feel that way again.

 

I agree and will look into mending this part of myself.

 

Really, the answer for you is to heal yourself. Love yourself enough so that you don't lose yourself to someone else. Don't fear the pain of losing a relationship; know that you'll get through it. That is your secret to success at having a happy life and eventually finding the emotionally healthy girl for you, not shutting down and become an unavailable a-hole.

 

Unavailable /= Emotionally distant, although if I'm attracting anxiously attached people being emotionally distant, I can always try to find that balance and open up a bit slower?

 

Secondly, on the confirmation bias front, there are just as many insecure and anxious men posting on those boards about a distant woman (*cough cough* your situation *cough*.) You're only noting and recording the ones from women worried about a guy, because that's what you want to see. You want a quick fix and a way to never be hurt again, so of course you're reaching for the "yes, yes, I'll just be purposefully unavailable!" strategy because it's quick and you will have the upper hand. But, again, you're not going to attract a healthy woman that way; you'll repel them. You will attract a high-anxiety type who will chase you, and that won't work either because you're not attracted to those women and you are anxious at heart. What you want is a woman on the secure/avoidant border. Someone warm, confident and independent.

 

I will admit. I am attracted to women who chase. I didn't realize there was a correlation between being anxiously attached individuals and chasing. I thought it was because she wanted to date me badly enough that she would chase, and chase harder once you start to slow down and let her catch up to you.....metaphorically speaking if that wasn't clear.

 

Your problem is running away from yourself and looking for someone to complete you. There are things about yourself that you need to work on so you stop this habit. Also, you choose women who avoid emotional entanglements, and when you feel them distancing, you give more and chase more, which causes them to distance themselves more.

 

I want a guy who can show emotions. That's part of the fun of an intimate relationship - seeing the soft parts of your man... the face he can't show the rest of the world and knowing that he adores you.

 

Strike that balance of confidence, independence, and affection. That's what women want. It's what men want, too. We're all human beings here.

 

Because of the power dynamic. You are attracted to avoidant women who will be repelled by your looking to them to complete you. The answer for you is not to become avoidant yourself.

 

Read up on attachment theory to further understand this. As the anxiously attached type, you need to move toward security by increasing your sense of self, loving yourself, and knowing that you're A-OK on your own. A particular woman is not the answer to the pain that you're constantly running from.

 

I second the recommendation of mindfulness that was posted above. You learn to just sit with yourself; to just be. You'll learn to let painful emotions happen, but to detach from them. In that way you remove their power over you. You stop running. It is totally liberating and it is what you need. Can you look for some meditation classes in your area? I did some last year and it was very helpful. I'm of the anxious sort, myself, so I know how this stuff works.

 

I think you're awesome. I love your rhyming posts. I can totally see you as you, but adding in some zen and confidence. I think you will - no doubt! - attract an awesome woman that way.

 

The rest of your post has been taken to heart along with writergal's post on mindfulness. I will let this ruminate and read it a few more times before I comment. Thank you.

Edited December 9, 2014 by DrReplyInRhymes