Am I being unreasonable?

[Gurlconfused]

Honest opinions needed please.

 

Several weeks ago my partner cheated on me. We have been together for 10 years and have two children so I decided to forgive him and give our relationship another go.

 

Yesterday he told me that he has been in touch with someone he went to school with and has been invited to her birthday party on Saturday. Her husband will also be there but they have said it would've nice tohave a catch up. They live several hours away and my partner has been told he can stay over.

 

Now in the 10 years we have been together he has mentioned this friend maybe once or twice and I didn't know they were in touch let alone that close. He has always introduced me to his friends in the past and unfeeling slightly confused about this sudden, out of the blue invite.

 

I am not stopping him from going but I am hurt that I've not been invited to meet this friend and her husband.

 

Deep down I'm also not sure he is telling the truth. Obviously I struggling to trust him at the moment and driving all that way to see people he hasn't seen in years is not like him at all.

 

He is acting like my feelings are unreasonable and I just wanted an independent opinion.

Thanks

[Standard-Fare]

If the cheating happened only weeks ago (doesn't matter how several), obviously it's still fresh, and no, it's not unreasonable that you feel weird about this.

 

You know your husband. How would he react if you told him honestly that your trust is still a little shaky and you feel uncomfortable with the situation of him spending the night hours away from you with people you don't know?

 

At this tender stage of things, he should be working his as*s off to make sure you feel secure. You shouldn't feel guilty or wrong about confronting him when you spot a red flag.

[KBarletta]

Personally, I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable given how fresh the wound is. If it were me, I would suggest going along. Is that possible? Could you get someone to take care of your children for a night? If you do that, and he refuses or gets upset, then I think that tells you a bit more about what you need to know. If he agrees, maybe it would be a nice little getaway for you two to reconnect and start rebuilding things?

[Gurlconfused]

Thanks. I have spoken to him and told him how I feel and all he says is "fine well if I can't go then don't expect to go to any of your nights out with work"!

 

I did say about me going and he said I wasn't invited and that the party is at her mums house (who he also knows apparently).

[Standard-Fare]

Personally, I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable given how fresh the wound is. If it were me, I would suggest going along. Is that possible? Could you get someone to take care of your children for a night? If you do that, and he refuses or gets upset, then I think that tells you a bit more about what you need to know. If he agrees, maybe it would be a nice little getaway for you two to reconnect and start rebuilding things?

 

Yeah I agree that it's a good call to see if you can go, too.., and I agree that a strong reaction from him against that would be a warning bell.

[evanescentworld]

How was the affair exposed?

What remorse has he shown?

Why did you forgive him?

Does this make him feel that you should therefore be over it?

 

You need to explain to him that he broke your trust.

He may have been 'forgiven' but it's not forgotten, and he has much work to do to regain any semblance of trust form you.

 

Have you been in counselling?

[Standard-Fare]

Thanks. I have spoken to him and told him how I feel and all he says is "fine well if I can't go then don't expect to go to any of your nights out with work"!

 

I did say about me going and he said I wasn't invited and that the party is at her mums house (who he also knows apparently).

 

Oh. Just read this. He's sounding more and more like a d*ck. This dynamic just isn't cool.

 

If he ends up going against your wishes, without you, if I were you I'd a) be hurt and angry, b) find some way to check out whether his story adds up.

[me85]

I'll tell you this much, NO WAY should he be going to "catch up" with an old female friend of his from school - without you. Especially not after cheating on you just several weeks ago. He should be bowing down to you for giving him a second chance after what he did. He doesn't care about your feelings at all.

 

No, I do not think you are being unreasonable. I think most people would feel uncomfortable and suspicious if they were in your shoes.

[Gurlconfused]

He told our friend who basically told him to talk to me about it, which he did. Initially he seemed to want to leave but then he said he loved me and wanted it to work between us. He showed a lot of remorse for a few weeks but then the last week or so has been distant again (has not been feeling well).

 

This friend has appeared completely out of the blue and he says it would be nice for him to have some "me time" and catch up with these people who he hasn't seen for years or even mentioned to me.

 

It is just so unlike him which is why I'm suspicious.

 

He is also very secretive with his phone and this doesn't really help put my mind at ease.

 

I think I know deep down what needs to be done, for my sake and my kids.

[Gurlconfused]

Thank you everyone

[me85]

I know you know what needs to be done and I hope you do it. The entire situation and all the ways he's acting is a clear indication that he is untrustworthy. I'm sorry for you but you'll be better off. I'm so happy I'm not in my last RS anymore. My ex NEVER had his phone out of his reach and freaked out one time when I picked it up. Cheaters. Can't be with 'em, can't kill 'em.

[Standard-Fare]

You to him:

 

"You need to understand that you torched my trust in you and I'm struggling to rebuild it. This situation makes me uneasy for several reasons. If you care at all about working on our marriage and restoring my trust, don't do this to me right now."

 

And if he insists, tell him not to come back home at the end of the weekend.