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SUCCESS STORY - Dumper's mindset and story


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Old 10th November 2014, 10:25 AM   #1
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SUCCESS STORY - Dumper's mindset and story

Hi everyone,

Since my breakup LS has been the most helpful resource for me in terms of understanding my first breakup ever and healing from it. I thought it would only be right to come back and contribute my best friend (the dumper)'s success story since I know she would never come on this site/contribute her story.

Her and her boyfriend had been together for almost 2 years in college. They had a good relationship for the most part, although I think everyone could tell that he was more emotionally invested than she was. I think this has a lot to do with her personality as she is rather prideful, distant, and independent. I think this is why she is attracted to people like me (as her best friend) and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend and I are very similar in that we are very kind, sociable, well liked people. We sacrifice to make others happy, and we are very happy people ourselves. Funny for her boyfriend and I, we were both attracted to distant, emotionally neutral, strong people. I really can't paint this picture as well as I'd like in words but I think all of you get what I'm getting at here.

Anyways, her and I had been talking over the summer about my relationship. I knew she could relate to my ex in that they had very similar personalities so I always asked for her opinion. I explained to her how he was being distant, cold, was starting arguments etc. She told me she was feeling the same way about her boyfriend, and completely understood my boyfriend and where he was at mentally. She said overall she really couldn't explain why she was feeling this was but she just felt "distant" from him. It wasn't working. It wasn't anything in particular that he had done, in fact, he was such a great boyfriend and she acknowledged it many many times.

Coincidentally, she broke up with her ex, and my ex broke up with me on the same weekend. WEIRD. But it was good in the sense that I could pick her brain about what was going on. When I asked her what she was thinking long term she would tell me the same thing over and over "I don't know". She didn't want to say it was over forever because I think she saw a lot of potential in him as a life partner but just wasn't in LOVE with him (at the time). Both her and my ex went straight into no contact. The following weeks I watched her and my ex both posting pictures out at clubs and I would get so frustrated trying to understand WHY. When I asked her WHY her answer was simple: it keeps my mind off of it, and when people ask me how I'm doing (including her sister, aunt, and family) her response was always simply: I'm Fine. The reason for this was because she didn't really have any answers to give anyone. She had a lot of guilt but no "feelings" for him per say and couldn't explain what happened. Yes they were fighting a lot and she wasn't happy, but he was such an A+ boyfriend that the breakup really didn't make sense. She just fell out of love with him.

When school started again, and they both had to see each other on an almost daily basis, it was awkward. she wouldn't say hi to him in person when they were out because "what would I even say?" On a few occassions she told me they were both in the same bar, feet away from each other and she didn't approach him. It was really awkward for her and she felt horrible - but again - she had no answers, nothing to say, she was basically speechless. All she knew was she didn't feel the same way, and she knew all he wanted was for her to feel that way. So basically, nothing would be accomplished by them speaking.

Eventually though, she had to confront him because it was just too awkward always being in the same places and never being able to speak. So she did. They talked for about an hour one day, caught up, laughed and cried. She wasn't ready to start anything up but she just wanted him to know that she didn't hate him, and didn't know what happened to her and her feelings. It was an amicable talk, and for the following weeks they would text intermittently while she continued to party and live her life. She told me from the beginning that this had nothing to do with other guys. She didn't want anyone else, she just wanted to be alone - and she stayed true to her word. She took pictures with a lot of guy friends (which must've killed him to see), but never hooked up with anyone, never entertained anyone).

I would talk to her about her progress about once a week, and she would usually dodge the subject as much as possible. She really didn't like talking about it but I being my psychology obsessed annoying ass best friend, made her talk about it as much as I could. From her perspective, she thought about him and missed him at times but it was fleeting. She said she didn't suffer as much as I was suffering. It was hard for her of course, but it wasn't devastating by any means.

The end of September and month of October was when her shift took place. They started hanging out once a week or so and I think this is when her feelings started to change. He told her a few weeks ago he couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't keep hanging out with her and talking to her and them both still both be single. She understood and the last time they spoke was 2-3 weeks ago. Since then she's been talking to me about her feelings and how all of a sudden they seem to have CHANGED and she's so freaked out by it. I think from the beginning she knew that EVENTUALLY things would be different between her and him but I don't think she ever really thought about how it would happen. Now, 4 months later she's not confused, distant anymore and she knows she wants to be with him... and now she's deciding on how she's going to go about telling him this. She's very prideful so this isn't going to be easy for her to do but she knows good and well that if she's serious about this and it's what she really wants - she won't back down.

It's funny though that as the dumper she doesn't really have a sense of urgency. You would think once the dumper realizes hey I want to be with this person they would begin their attempts immediately...we've been talking about this for a week now and she still hasn't made her move. Her mentality as the dumper is just different I guess. To them there doesn't need to be a big rush, they're ready when they're ready. The change of feelings isn't a one day to the next day thing, it's slow and it creeps up on them until one day they finally make their move.

I think the lesson in this is that people's feelings change! Sometimes the dumper doesn't even know why they feel the way they feel but it happens and they do the best they can with the circumstances. I see a lot of people on here say that once a girl loses feelings, it's over forever. This story is proof that that isn't true! As the ex, he was DEVASTATED when she called it off. He sent her a beautiful letter that she never even answered to because she was at such a loss, she didn't even know what to say. He obviously took this as her being done forever. Although they were done for a good while, 4 months later the tables have turned and now she's trying to get him back.

Stay strong everyone
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Old 10th November 2014, 11:28 AM   #2
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I like this post.

It gives and unbiased version of a breakup/possible reconciliation from a 3rd party perspective.

What really striked me was the:

"It's funny though that as the dumper she doesn't really have a sense of urgency. You would think once the dumper realizes hey I want to be with this person they would begin their attempts immediately...we've been talking about this for a week now and she still hasn't made her move"

Because now that I think about it, I've known a couple of friends (both female and male) that, despite wanting someone, either an ex or someone they just met, they would rather wait a few months.

2 examples come to my mind:

1) A guy friend who waited like 6 months to chase after a girl he liked, because she was busy with school. He was like:"If I push for a relationship now, she will not pay attention to me, so I rather wait a few months".

2) A female friend, in a similar situation, still liked the guy she had dumped. Few months after the break up, she wanted him back, this was during winter/spring, yet she waited for the summer to actually make contact with him. This is because according to her, it was just better to give it time.

Honestly would be nice if more people could post similar situations
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Old 10th November 2014, 11:41 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by dclan View Post
I like this post.

It gives and unbiased version of a breakup/possible reconciliation from a 3rd party perspective.

What really striked me was the:

"It's funny though that as the dumper she doesn't really have a sense of urgency. You would think once the dumper realizes hey I want to be with this person they would begin their attempts immediately...we've been talking about this for a week now and she still hasn't made her move"

Because now that I think about it, I've known a couple of friends (both female and male) that, despite wanting someone, either an ex or someone they just met, they would rather wait a few months.

2 examples come to my mind:

1) A guy friend who waited like 6 months to chase after a girl he liked, because she was busy with school. He was like:"If I push for a relationship now, she will not pay attention to me, so I rather wait a few months".

2) A female friend, in a similar situation, still liked the guy she had dumped. Few months after the break up, she wanted him back, this was during winter/spring, yet she waited for the summer to actually make contact with him. This is because according to her, it was just better to give it time.

Honestly would be nice if more people could post similar situations

Last time we broke up (when she broke up with me), she said she immediately regretted it. She said walking away from my apartment, she knew she wanted me to chase her because she screwed up. She said if she had came back immediately, I would think that it would start to become a pattern (breakup and immediately get back together). She said she didn't want me to think that way and some time for the both of us would be good. She came back 3 months later. We dated again, then after 9 months broke up again (this time I did, though, it was more or less forced).
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Old 10th November 2014, 11:55 AM   #4
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Dclan,

Yup that has been her stance all along. Literally from the beginning all she's told me is she wants to give it time, take it slow, she doesn't want to rush into anything just yet. It's weird and confusing for dumpees but I guess it makes all the sense in the world for a dumper that has lost feelings and is regaining them/has regained them.

It's really funny because she did also tell me that while they were hanging out they would kiss and what not and she was 100% sure she liked him....but didn't tell him.... and then (obviously) he cut her off because he thought she was just using him/FWBing him. Honestly who knows exactly what he thought but I'm not surprised at all that he cut off contact with her. I would've done the same thing If i were in her position.

I don't get it at all but maybe one day if I'm ever in her position I will? Or maybe it's just a personality thing. Who knows?
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Old 10th November 2014, 11:57 AM   #5
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Unknown,

I like your post a lot because after hearing some stories from friends I've noticed that pattern. Dumpee suffers for a few months, finally gets the ex to come back, then after more months go by the dumpee realizes that they don't really need the dumper as much as they thought. Either they are being treated badly, have come to realize the dumper will never really change, or simply, the relationship just isn't the same anymore.

Having gone through the agony of being the dumpee already once, their feelings are subdued when they then turn around and become the dumper.
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Old 10th November 2014, 1:33 PM   #6
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excellent post.

i was recently the stupid dumper. i regret it to the very core of my soul.

i was in a LDR for 3 years. no need to tell all the details about that. but here is what IS important. i felt he wasn't so easily approachable and when i had emotional needs, i felt i couldn't turn to him. (disclaimer: i didn't turn to anyone else either) not feeling like i could turn to him, when i had stress, my stress became more cumulative over time. he also had a quick temper, which is why i kept things in. and he suffered from depression, so i also didnt want to make him feel bad or helpless with my issues because i was far and he couldn't change them.

since we were far, i also let my imagination run away with me, and my impression of him, while i was under great stress in my life, and not feeling able to turn to him. i wondered if he would be temperamental and irrational in person, as he seemed when he had dark spells. (geez this sounds bad).

But he did love me and quite truthfully was more honest than anyone i had ever met and his raw emotions seemed better than the passive aggressive kind of people that hurt me in the past. i felt safer with his love for me, in that regard. and i valued that. he was very up front all the time. God i miss him. crying as i write this.

anyway, while i was under this great stress i ended it around 2 months ago.
he tried to get me back for 1 month...vowing to change etc. first man to have fought for me that way too. i knew he was sincere about it. however, like a jerk, i wasnt ready and i didnt give him any hope in sight. he even asked if i was in love with him...(though he told me he felt i was) and i told him i wasnt. (HUGE MISTAKE). because i was. ugh i hate myself for this.

by the time i got around to telling him, i was really stressed for a year, and that i did love him and wanted him back... he went on a first date with a co-worker. or started going out..period. (so within 2 months from my breaking it with him).

i have tried to reconcile with him since and he doesn't bother with me. no calls. etc. i got 1 call and professed my love to him...he didn't say it back...said he'd call back and hasnt . its been 5 days now since that 1 call.

i knew i was making a mistake while i was breaking off with him. i was not in my right frame of mind ..in thinking things tru rationally. people are supposed to think this thru months before they break up. i didnt. then i realized i made a big mistake and it that was on ME for not talking to him. my fears are my fault. and i;ve called to try to get him back, write etc.. when i did tell him i was in love with him 5 days ago and asked if he knew that. he said of course he didnt. i told him otherwise weeks ago and said it was hopeless and that we would never go back. (SIGHS)

iM hating myself for all that transpired. i was deeply stressed. i feel like im truly dying inside. ive never been more sad in all my life and im a grown woman with a lifetime behind me. and never have i been this heartbroken b4. im truly feeling a loss with having lost him. he was great for me in many ways.

in the meantime...on the subject of dumper dumpee. an ex from a break up 10 years ago, got in touch with me. he dumped me. this happened like 5 or 6 days ago. i was shocked. he found me on social media. he got married like 1 year after breaking up with me. but he's pretty much told me that breaking up with me had haunted him for years. and that he missed me . i really happen to know this is true. hes tried to contact me with over the 10 years and i never responded. but its been about 3 years since he last tried. i finally responded now after all these years. ( i wasnt trying to be mean btw all those years..he was married..i thought it best...he turned my world upside down years ago..in a not so good way)

he says he was tearful talking to me again. (was in email and FB) havent heard his voice yet. he asked if i could ever forgive him. i told him i forgave him years ago. he asked if i got his apology email/note years ago. i told him i did. i know he loves his wife. we havent spoken about all of that, but im sure of it...and i know, he always wondered if he wasnt too hasty in leaving me back then or maybe it was that, he wanted other things in life and choose to leave our love.

we are talking as friends now. we havent gotten into any deep conversations.

my point is...the dumper grieves and grieves hard. unless he is a jerk idiot altogether. with -o- empathy for anyone but himself. i would give anything to God to have the man i was with, my recent ex, come back to me. my life without him is just a complete and utter ball of pain and sorrow. i have been physically weak from this and i feel i messed up my entire life. i am truly having the worst time ever with this. nothing is helping. not even my good old friend love shack. im crying as i am typing this. i can barely eat. i cant seem to function like i used to on any level. drs. lawyers and indian chiefs cant take this pain and grief away. only he can. i wish to God almighty he'd call and give me closure. not by this cold indifferent silence. this is horrible.
actually unbearable.

i can feel him miles away mentally. its actually worse than the miles between us. i used to be able to feel him thinking of me. really had that connection.

believe it or not, i was always there for him. i wish he would call me again and give me some closure. tell me he forgives me and he would take me back. or just forgives me and to help me forgive myself because i dont know how im gonna go on with this pain. its sucks to be dumper or dumpee when you truly love someone and apparently the feeling isn't mutual. but as a dumper i can attest to this. when u dump someone u truly love..you regret it and kick yourself everyday and feel a looming sorrow. and just want to fix it. and get back to them. even my old ex....has been suffering on some level for years. he was beyond relieved to finally...talk. i wasnt punishing him at all. i dont think my new ex is punishing me. but i beg God for him to have a communication between us that we both can live with and feels better than this, if he doesnt want me anymore. which looks like he doesnt.
i just wish he would call me again. tell me where i stand now. i know silence is supposed to tell u that...but i need the words. maybe that would help. i have no clue. but this is horrible.
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Old 10th November 2014, 2:24 PM   #7
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while i was under great stress in my life, and not feeling able to turn to him.
This is pretty much what happened with my ex. Not necessarily the not able to turn to me, but when she gets stressed, she pushes people away. She pushed me away twice. First time she was the one to end it, this time, I ended it... though, I feel like I had no other choice to. I didn't want to end it. I obviously still love her.

I will never understand how women push those that care about them (and they care about as well) away. It makes no sense... And yet, we're here left in the wake, wondering why?
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Old 10th November 2014, 2:27 PM   #8
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IfIKnew, speaking as recent "dumpee" I am going to try to give you my feeling as to what is going on in the mind of your ex.
If he is like me, he is probably still hurting and very afraid of getting hurt again.
Part of me wishes my ex would come back with open arms and things would be like they were before. But another part of me knows that - if this happened - the wounds of the breakup would still be raw and I would be VERY afraid and wary of going back to old patterns. I wouldn't agree to it without some time passing and some joint and individual counseling for us both to get past those fears.
The pain of this kind of breakup is so great that most of us would do anything to avoid having to go through it again - I suspect the fear of a repeat performance is part of the reason your ex is reluctant to be open to giving you that chance. You need to give him time/space and work on yourself, and stop beating yourself up. Your guilt and remorse is not going to do anyone any good - you or him.
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Old 10th November 2014, 2:28 PM   #9
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Unknown,

I like your post a lot because after hearing some stories from friends I've noticed that pattern. Dumpee suffers for a few months, finally gets the ex to come back, then after more months go by the dumpee realizes that they don't really need the dumper as much as they thought. Either they are being treated badly, have come to realize the dumper will never really change, or simply, the relationship just isn't the same anymore.

Having gone through the agony of being the dumpee already once, their feelings are subdued when they then turn around and become the dumper.

My story wasn't necessarily like that. She came back, we worked on things and they were fantastic. She was stressed with work, school, new job offer..self conscious, her bff just engaged and she said she wasn't sure why the things that ALWAYS made her happy - didn't make her as happy. Well, that last sentence wasn't clear. I did make her happy, as happy as she's always been, happier than ever. Though, she felt like there was more, but knew it was all in her head because I've ALWAYS made her happiest.

Almost like, that bottle of her happiness was always full. Then her bff got engaged and even though I was filling that bottle up the same as I always have, she felt it could be filled up more.

She knew the problem was with her, not me. A lot has to do with how she raised, where nothing was ever good enough for her parents.

So, instead of me being pushed away (like I was for the past 3-4 weeks), I took a stand and told her I couldn't do it anymore. We work on it as a couple or not...

Ultimatums never work, but I was at my breaking point. Anxiety, stress, sleepless nights, lack of appetite, not focusing at work. It all built up and I couldn't do it anymore. Though, I still care and miss her, I still want to be with her. But, I know it was for the best.
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Old 10th November 2014, 3:22 PM   #10
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I've sort of left the door open for my dumper.

He still has many of my things and it's coming up on several months of not talking. We last talked when we met to exchange some things. I had all of his things and only had a few of my things, and had a lame excuse about why. He didn't shut down the idea of working through things but since then, there's been nothing.

It's just getting awkward now. Part of me wonders if he's waiting until I finish up my very busy semester at college.

So in hearing all of this, I wonder if I should shut the door on him to get him moving forward. He hasn't had to feel my loss yet, and maybe that would get him unfrozen.

Or maybe he's just not interested in me anymore or is dating someone else. I don't know.
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Old 10th November 2014, 6:49 PM   #11
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KBarletta-thank you for your kind words and trying to help me get insight. i do believe he was very hurt. and i could genuinely see him trying to caution himself to the wind. that makes a lot of sense. i pray all he needs is time. i really hope youre right on that front with him.

but he didnt say that he wanted me in any manner. he didnt say anything. it was his speechlessness and aloof attitude, when i finally told him i was in love with him and wanted to fix this. i showered him in love that day and days prior to try to fix it. i can see where he would think..what if she does this to me again? so i seriously do not blame him for not going full stream ahead with me.

but its more like hes not even acknowledging im alive. we are long distance...so no calls ..text...email or smoke signal...is really bad and just separates us more. i cant help feeling if its just a matter of him being hurt, he wouldnt burn the bridge entirely. he would for instance maybe politely say: "im not ready for this yet" or "maybe down the road". but he doesnt say anything . -0- zip. its as if im non existent to him now. total no contact. after being told i love him and want him back and would never do that again. and tried to prove my love.

i think he likes his freedom now. though he was always free... to some degree... being long distant. he could have held on to me in his mind somehow. by send a hello once in a while. he knew i would be hurt pouring my heart out to him (and he listened and didnt stop me) and then to not call and go complete NC. and he doesn't seem to care that he has not gotten back to me on any level and how he might be risking any reconciliation like that. to act like im dead.

i even wrote him an email that we could take baby steps. he tells me he hasnt been near a computer at alllately. and he lives in a one room cottage. so i dont know wheres hes been. his pc is practially next to his bed. im not pressuring him. and still i get no amount of respect to even keep in touch on the slightest level. this is 100% no contact on his part.

. its so very painful i truly think his co -worker date, is trying to talk him out of us. an looks like she is succeeding. very sad time for me. i almost walk around so stoic like a robot. i can actually say i feel nothing in my whole being but sorrow and grief. im genuinely scared what is to become of me. this is very overwhelming. ty for the time u took to hope to give me insight. i really appreciated that. i hope he needs time and will come back. but he is not planting any seeds with me to make it grow. hes is just..............gone.

@Ultimatums quote never work, but I was at my breaking point. Anxiety, stress, sleepless nights, lack of appetite, not focusing at work. It all built up and I couldn't do it anymore. Though, I still care and miss her, I still want to be with her. But, I know it was for the best

this is what im afraid of.

@ ultimatums quote I will never understand how women push those that care about them (and they care about as well) away. It makes no sense... And yet, we're here left in the wake, wondering why?

yes i would like to put a note to all woman out there now. dont push your man away. talk to him even if it feels like u cant. if he cant handle hearing anything about your stresses. tell him that kind of thing can break u apart. ask him if he wants to risk it. just dont keep things inside then..break if off when ur too stressed out and should be maybe thinking on it more. if he cant handle what you have to say when you try to talk thats on him. but if you keep it in its on you. and this is too painful . its so hard to live in regret.

@ the OP. i agree dumpers and dumpees can work things out. but they have to want to . and timing is everything. even like it says in the bible. to everything there is a time and a purpose. there's a time dumpers and dumpees have to tell each other how they feel about the other. so if reconciliation is possible you planted some seeds to make it grow. doesnt it say you reep what you sow. dont wait to tell them you love them and never tell someone you dont love them or make go away, if thats not how you truly feel. what you want is stress gone. dont be impulsive. a dumper doesnt always want the person to be gone and they can be very sorry for it.

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Old 10th November 2014, 9:35 PM   #12
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Hey OP,

This is an interesting perspective, but you can't fully know what's going on.
You can't never have all the variables to understand what's happening exactly.

What i understood in your post -despite the obvious-, was that because as she is distant and cold and all these in general, she would have to give it time so she could be in another relationship,a new beginning, but she prefers to focus on the other sections of her life more since she is so independent. But every human being wants a good relationship.

So i think she just "missed" the familiar routine she had with her boyfriend. Given that she is not the person who will probably make a move to a guy, because of her pride and these things as i said before, need time, she returns to the familiar situation in which she doesn't have to try hard to adjust because she already knows how it is, no new rules etc. Something you maybe missed because, although you are the "third opinion", you were actively interacting with her and related to your break-up, so the third party perspective actually vanishes.


Anyway, in other words, it's simple but complex enough at the same time to not fully understand what's going on for anyone :P
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Old 11th November 2014, 9:39 AM   #13
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Great news for everyone! They are officially Facebook official once again after their 4 month breakup. She said that their talk went very well and that they're both really happy with the outcome.

Both on cloud 9 once again
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Old 11th November 2014, 11:10 AM   #14
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Waz,

I get what you're saying and that very well might be the case. She missed the comfort and safety and went back. As a good friend of both of theirs, but specifically hers, I saw a lot of interesting dynamics about their relationship. He brought out a lot of good in her (not that she isn't a good person). You could tell she was a happier, more loving caring person when they were together. He is honestly A GREAT GUY. I told her from the start that she would never find another guy like him and she knew I was right, and that's when she went on to tell me that she wasn't doing this because she wanted to meet another guy, hook up with guys, or even because she WANTED to go out every night....she just didn't know what else to do. As far as she knew her feelings faded, she felt lost confused, and she just wanted to get her mind off of everything.


I don't think she ever WANTED to move on. I think she just wanted to find herself again, find her alone time, find the person she was before the relationship. Honestly, you're right in the sense that there are a lot of variables that I'm not privvy too. She's an incredibly complex person, whereas I'm rather black and white with occasional shades of gray depending on the situation. I know if I love someone I'm committed and that's what I want the whole way through. I think she's always been more on the fence about everything in life. She sways, her opinions change, she flows with the current.

She's a great person...but her boyfriend is downright amazing. It's funny that she holds all of the power in the relationship regardless. Same thing happened in my relationship. I outdid my ex boyfriend in every category of life. HE would get complimented about how amazing I was all the time. I don't think I ever got any substantial compliments about him. Older coworkers would pull him aside and tell him "don't let her get away, you've got a keeper on your hands". His aunt would literally tell him in front of me how amazing I was and how happy she was that he had found me. He would smile and acknowledge it....but I don't know if he ever really believed it? Or maybe he just didn't love me enough. Who knows.


Anyways back to her... Last I spoke to her, she looks back at the 4 months as a blur. She has no real hold on or understanding of what happened. She believes that God makes things happen for a reason, although right now the reason may not be clear, she believes that at the very least, she appreciates him more as a boyfriend now. She says it took that time apart for her to gain some perspective on her situation and stop seeing him as "her annoying boyfriend" although, he was never clingy or controlling. Mildly jealous maybe, but he had good reason to be as she is extremely attractive and garnered a lot of male attention.


As far as I know they're both extremely happy again. If anything else happens from here on out I'll be sure to update you guys.
bb1205 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th November 2014, 3:00 PM   #15
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,537
that is great. im glad it worked out and that they were por-active in making it work. thats why i dont always believe in no contact. its not for everyone.

im so sad and wish i would hear from my ex. im wanting to contact, to at least know where i stand so i can try to begin to cope.
IfiKnewThen is offline   Reply With Quote
 

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