Will we get back together?

[flexie08]

I need help and advice

 

So I have been dating this guy who is 11 years older than me for about 8 months. I know that may seem like kind of a wide gap but I honestly don't consider it a problem at all. We mesh so well together and I am pretty sure he doesn't mind it either. However, we broke up around 2 weeks ago and I am trying to come up with a way to get him back. I haven't acted desperate or needy to him too much (maybe a little though lol). But it's nothing that has been terrible. We still talk almost daily and we are friendly to each other. He is the one who does most of the initiating and it is mostly calling and some texting (he has no Facebook). He says he still wants me in his life but this week he has mostly only been contacting me to print out labels for him and stop by his store to give them to him. I am trying to not do any favors for him anymore, but it is going to be hard I don't want him to get mad at me and think I hate him or am not interested in him but at the same time I don't want him to friendzone me and I want him to respect me and value me like he used to. He told me last week that he loves me and wanted to wish me good luck on the first day of my new job and that made me really happy. But he hasn't told me that since and it hurts, I just hope he still feels the same way about me.

 

He basically has broken up with me before but he always says he misses me too much or that we have too many feelings for one another or that he needs me. Our longest breakup has been for about 4 days. He left for the same reasons though, he says he has too much going on (which he does). Between going through a divorce, having 2 kids, moving out, opening up a new store, selling his stuff for money, I know it's probably hard on him and he doesn't handle stress well. But this one is the longest break up and I am afraid it is permanent I know that I can't get him back in 2 weeks but I want to have a good structured plan that will work in time. I am also a little scared because I think he may be bipolar or have some bipolar tendencies. Some people have thought this about him as well but no one knows we are broken up. I'm not sure if he has told anyone but I'm hoping not. A lot of people say we are so good together and it makes me happy that people support our relationship. My mother didn't always but I think she is finally starting to come around (she invited him to come out with us for her birthday next week) and it makes me upset because he had to do this now when my family is finally starting to accept our love. He was so good to me in the beginning and things starting going downhill in the past month or so. We definitely do have our fights and things we disagree on but we always manage to solve it in the same day. I never went to bed feeling like he didnt' love me but ever since this break up he barely tells me that anymore, if at all. He says he wants a future with me but other times he will say that I should focus more on my life and future and not think about him. That hurts to hear him say but I know he is only trying to be realistic with me. We also almost moved in together in June, we were both so ready and then drama happened with my family which kinda pushed him away. It crushed me and I had never been more angry with my family. Even though that is all said and done, I am still very pissed with them and don't trust them.

 

Anyways, I realized how important he is to me and that we have something very special. We have like a magnetic force that has always held us together (we used to work together too). I love him more than I have ever loved anyone and I never thought that was possible (I loved my first boyfriend very much) but this guy and I have a lot in common and we are so compatible. I just wish he could see that as much as I do.

 

Yesterday I was a mess but I didn't show it to him. It was a weird day. Basically I texted him asking him if I could maybe see him for a bit that day (nothing threatening or desperate, just a question) and then instead of a yes or a no, he ends up calling me and asking me what is wrong. I said "Nothing, I just wanted to know if maybe I could see you sometime today" and he said he was working so probably not today and I was fine with that. Then he asked me if I was pregnant. I have no idea why he would ask me that, but then I got worried thinking it was possible but after a few minutes I thought "No way." He wanted a baby with me a few months ago but we both realized it wasn't the right time. I also went to the doctors a month ago for a legit pregnancy test and it came out negative and we haven't had se.x in almost 2 months. So I told him "I don't think I am? Why would you ask me that?" and he said I was acting like I was or something and suggested I take a pregnancy test. I told him I didn't have any and that I really didn't think I was pregnant at all. Then he told me to come by his store to get his credit card and get some pregnancy tests at the store. I told him I didn't feel like that was necessary, but he insisted and said it would make him feel better. I agreed and went to his store. At first he was being kinda friendly to me and accused me of faking a pregnancy to "keep him" I looked at him and was so confused. I told him I wouldn't do that just to keep a guy because that usually doesn't work. He said he thinks I have been emotional because of our break up and I told him it hasn't been affecting me that much. He called bull**** and said "You really love me so much" then I said "And you don't?" Then he said "I never said that." We didn't fight, I just was trying to understand why he was doing all of this. But I got his card and went to the store and got the tests. They came out negative (as I knew they would) but he didn't believe me. He accused me of lying and said that I really was pregnant. I was getting mad at this point, but I didn't show it. He was acting very rude to me when he found out that I wasn't pregnant (or thought I was faking or whatever). But after telling him I loved him and wouldn't do that to him or anyone I love, I think I convinced him that I wasn't. He told me he had to go back to work and I said ok. He said he would call me but he never did because he said he was sick (today). So I don't know if he really thought I was pregnant or not. But anyways, sorry for the long story, I just wanted to give a recent example of how he acted lately. It's just been a stressful past 2-3 weeks. I just want him back even though he can be a handful. If anyone has any advice on bipolar disorder or if he sounds like he could be, please comment or message me. Also if anyone has any idea of how I can get him back please let me know. All I want is to spend my life with him. Please be kind with your responses (I'm sensitive lol).

 

Thanks for reading

[Downtown]

Flexie, you're not describing any strong warning signs for bipolar, as far as I can tell. To be bipolar, the man would have to be emotionally unstable. In contrast, your man seems to be stressed out by his divorce process and reluctant to commit to a woman 11 years younger. Yet, if you are interested in the red flags for bipolar, you may want to take a look at my description of them at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. I that rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. By the way, welcome to the LoveShack forum!

[flexie08]

Thanks for your reply. That's good if he is not bipolar, but yeah I will definitely check out your link. We both thought his divorce would go a lot faster than it has but he has been getting set back a lot. He always said how he loves me so much and that I am all he wants and he did want commitment from me. I'm just afraid he lost that feeling for me. I told I would give him space because I do realize he is going through a hard time. I just hope we can eventually reconcile.

 

I also looked at the link you sent me and he does demonstrate almost all of those qualities There have been many times where he makes an argument for no reason (like yesterday when I couldn't do a favor for him) And there will be times where he will say things to push me away. Last week he was kinda sweet to me but then he pulled away again and he hasn't been that sweet to me since last Thursday. I'm hoping things get better for us.

Edited November 1, 2014 by flexie08

[leoc1973]

It seems like he totally took it wrong when you said you wanted to see him. Usually to a guy when a girl that we are broken up with says something like that we panic and think we are either going to be told that you are pregnant or you have an std. Instead you literally meant you wanted to see him with no other reason than just to see him. It does seem like it freaked him out way more than it should have.

 

Also, it seems like the pregnancy scare and then him not having sex with you since the pregnancy scare should send you a huge red flag. I really don't want to hurt your feelings but I want to be honest with you. When you had the pregnancy scare it made him realize that he doesn't want to be with you. It seems like he might be using you to make his wife jealous. Of course what would make a woman that is older with 2 kids more jealous than pretty much anything in the world? A younger prettier model.

 

Please do yourself a favor and get rid of this guy. I can't see very well from your pic but from what I can see you do seem to be very pretty. Find yourself a guy closer to your age that you can grow with, learn from and develop together. Not a guy that is done growing and older with 2 kids that has already lived his life. Go out and have fun!

 

My last ex was 10 years younger. She was so madly in love that I couldn't get rid of her no matter what I did. We stayed together for 6 years and then when she hit her mid to late 20's she realized she had missed all the things that I didn't. I had my partying years and she never did. She was so absolutely positive that she wanted to spend her life with me and then one day realized I was too old. Don't waste his time and don't cheat yourself out of enjoying these years. It's the prime of your life. He's already had his and you will resent him one day for taking yours away from you. Find a young dumb immature boy to have fun and grow with.

 

Besides, if you end up with this guy you will be like 50 when he dies of old age and then who are you going to grow old with?

[Arieswoman]

flexie08,

You have asked for "kind" responses but I'm afraid the truth sometimes hurts.

 

However, we broke up around 2 weeks ago and I am trying to come up with a way to get him back.

 

Why? If he really cares about you he wouldn't have dumped you.

 

I don't want him to friendzone me and I want him to respect me and value me like he used to

 

If he really had respected and valued you, then he wouldn't have dumped you.

 

He basically has broken up with me before but he always says he misses me too much or that we have too many feelings for one another or that he needs me.

 

IMO he doesn't know what he wants. He's in the middle of a lot of family stuff and isn't stable, he's a bad bet. So are you going to stay around while he shilly-shallies about and pulls your strings at the same time?

 

He wanted a baby with me a few months ago but we both realized it wasn't the right time

He seriously wanted to bring a child into this mess ? So not only is he confused he's downright irresponsible?

 

As for him being"bipolar" what does it matter? You're not responsible for his mental health only for your own. If you stick with him he'll gradually wear you down until you're as mixed-up as he is.

 

Please, please, grow a backbone develop some self-respect and dump this guy.

 

Good luck x

[flexie08]

I understand what you both are saying but after everything that I have experienced with him, I do feel like he still loves me. He has been going through this divorce for about 2 years so it's nothing new to him. And the children aren't hers. Their mother and him divorced a long time ago. I know it's not good that he has been divorced before but everyone has a past and I am trying to not be judge mental about it. And we have had pregnancy scares before and there were times where he was excited about me possibly being pregnant. He told me he doesn't want to hold me back and that is another reason he says to break up. He wants me to live my life. He's not a bad guy and I know he is going through a lot. But I have never felt this way about someone before and we are so good together. I haven't heard from him since Thursday and I am debating on whether or not I should text him to make sure he's not mad at me. I don't want to be on bad terms

[leoc1973]

Absolutely do not text him to ask him if he's mad. That is super needy. Read a million different pages of how to get people back or how to keep a man interested or how to get a guy in the first place and texting him to ask him if he is mad is literally the worst thing you can do.

 

OK now I am not saying he is a bad guy. I am not saying he would ever even intentionally hurt you or make you suffer or anything but here is how a man's mind works.

 

Him "hmm.. I really miss so and so and I love her. I am kinda worried I haven't heard from her. I hope she isn't moving on for real or dating anyone or interested in another guy. That would kill me. I probably should get ahold of her before she slips away"

 

You: "hey just wondering how you are doing and if you are mad at me"

 

Him "oh ok she isn't going anywhere yet. She still loves me. I can give it a few more days to figure out what I am doing"

 

Meanwhile you sit there and stare at your phone and wait for him to wake up and remember all the love that you shared. Like you are thinking what one thing can remind him how much he loves you because what you had was "special" and different from other peoples breakups.

 

The truth is the only thing that will make a guy come back is the though of losing you for good. Why do you think there are sayings like "if you love someone let them go.. If they come back they are yours" Sayings like that don't just come out of thin air. They come from being truth.

 

But ok obviously you are here for advice on what to do to keep him and not to be lectured on how he is no good for you. So quick little story. I was going through a breakup when I met my ex whom was 10 years younger. She was so in love with me and obsessed with getting me. I was still kinda on the fence with the girl I was with. at one point I decided to just leave the younger girl alone and let her go and try to make it work with the first girl. I heard through the grapevine that she hooked up with some guy. I lost my mind trying to get her back. Then she was very smart and played super hard to get. It turned around immediately and I was begging her at that point. The first girl meant nothing at that point. I did end up getting her back and we had 6 amazing years together but thats when the "she needed to live a little" happened and she just up and left. We went from looking at rings and houses to me being dumped like overnight. Something snapped in her and it will with you too.

 

So long story short. Blow him off and he will chase. If he doesn't then you had no chance at all whatsoever in the first place.

[flexie08]

Thanks for your advice. I'm sorry, I've just been very emotional lately. But I'm glad you told me that so I don't text him. I drove by his work because I had to run an errand and his work was on the way but I think he may have seen me. I don't want him to think I drove past just to see if he's there or not.

 

I've never been that good at reading a guy, but I have gotten better. I just don't know why I am so into this one. There was a guy I had a fling with for like 2 months and he was still recovering from a relationship he had. He wanted to try things again with me but I got over him and kinda just ignored his invitation to try. This guy I was actually in a relationship with him so I'm hoping that meant something to him. 8-9 months of this is kinda a long time and I hope it's just one of his mood things. I'm trying my best to be strong though.

 

Anyways, he kinda got a little mad at me on Thursday because I wasn't sure what he wanted me to do for him (on eBay). And then just kinda said he would ask his friend to help him and got off the phone with me kinda rude way. But yeah haven't heard from him in 2 days and haven't seen him in 3. We just used to be so close and after everything we've been through, I hope I still have a chance with him. He bought me a promise ring back in March and he would always show me how he loved me. I would like to think he still has something left for me

Edited November 1, 2014 by flexie08

[leoc1973]

You're welcome for the advice. He cares about you no doubt. Guys are big babies(me included) every little problem is like the end of the world. So right now he has so much going on that no matter who you are or what it is. Any little thing extra is going to make him feel like he is suffocating. Give him space because no matter what you do for him or how nice you are to him it's going to add to his stress. He needs to take a step back and breathe and you there will only push him away.

 

Were you the other woman?

 

But like I said.. Guys are big babies and most of us are drama queens so right now every thing is being blown out of proportion.

 

What is the deal with this other guy? Can you just "have fun" with him? Or will he become serious? nothing is more powerful than jealousy. He needs to know that you are a hot commodity and won't be there for all his crap! Go have some fun with the other guy. Pretty much any single guy will be a F buddy. Just let him know and seriously don't hurt him.

[flexie08]

Yeah he can be a baby but he is also very very good at hiding his emotions. It's almost like he doesn't have any. But she doesn't know about me and since he is divorcing her, I wouldn't refer to myself as the "other woman." I mean when we first met, he was telling everyone at our work place he was getting a divorce. If he was intending to make his marriage work, I wouldn't even dream of getting involved. I'm not like that. He has told me he is definitely not in love with her. But this woman is crazy and treats his kids like garbage and that makes me mad because they are great kids. From what I know, they like me. I would love to get to know them better if we hopefully make things better.

 

But with the other guy, I don't talk to him lol. I was just giving an example of how he wanted me back even though our "fling" wasn't near as serious as the relationship me and my ex had. He hurt me and was really immature so I figured I'm better than that. But I do have this best friend who is a guy who lives in another state who has been there for me through everything and my ex hates him because of how close we are. I was thinking of using that to my advantage but well see. I don't want him to resent me or anything.

[leoc1973]

Oh ok. I only asked if you were the other woman because I read somewhere that something like 92% of the time the guy ends up staying with the wife.

 

Perfect with the male best friend! sounds like its time for a road trip to see him. I actually have a female best friend and my girlfriend now hides it but I think she hates her. She is really beautiful although I don't think it matters as long as she is a female.

 

You sound like you are so worried about pushing him away or making him hate you. You don't even have to take my word for it go on this site and read as many stories as you can and you will start to realize how people work. Of course he is going to resent you because you aren't sitting there on the shelf waiting for him to come and play with his toy again. Would you rather have him get a little pissed off at you and beg to have you back or sit there and think that you are the sweetest girl ever but never take you back?

 

I totally know this guy's type. Just hearing what little you told us. He probably has a temper and throws his little hissy fits every time he doesn't get his way. He raises his voice when you disagree with him and when he says jump then you better jump or he is going to get snippy. Sound about right? he is a control freak and when he can't have his way then his whole life falls apart.

 

I know you have a connection with him but I really hope that you dont' end up with him. I hope you end up with a total sweetheart of a man that appreciates you. And then someday years from now you are going to look back and ask yourself "what was I thinking"

 

Like I said I am 40 years old and I have a ton of female friends and they all had "this guy" at some point in their lives. Usually when they were young and didn't know yet how a real man treats a woman. A woman should be the other half of a relationship and not a doormat. Women really do have the power in relationships there is no doubt about that. You just have to take it.

 

Play hard to get and I can almost guarantee he will be chasing you. It seems really stupid but men want what they can't have. whether its consciously or subconsciously.

[flexie08]

Oh yeah I've heard something like that too. I'm hoping that won't happen, but I think he is smarter than that. And I was actually thinking of seeing him when I have the money only problem is he is in Cali and I am in Wisconsin and wouldn't be able to see him till December, but it would still be awesome.

 

But yeah I do have a lot of worry like that. I don't know why but of course I'd rather have him back than have him not get mad. You pretty much hit the nail on the head. He is exactly like you described. I can always clearly tell when something is wrong or bothering him. He wasn't always like this but as time went on I saw different sides of him as all relationships do. He has told me even when we were dating that if someone better comes along, I shouldn't be afraid to go for it, but who knows if he really meant that. I feel like he does like knowing I still love him. I guess I'm just afraid if I play too hard to get he will give up and just say I don't care enough to chase her. But I'm a female so maybe my mindset is different. They say a guy will get scared that you're with someone else so hopefully that will be the case with him. He can get jealous and he knows I have more male friends and that has always kinda bugged him.

 

But that's good if men are like that. I was never taught anything about men or relationships so I've always had to rely on other people and research to figure it out. I also didnt know about women having power in a relationship, or that I could take it that easily. I know I have to learn to love myself more.

[leoc1973]

Here is how easy men are. I consider myself a pretty smart guy. I also have had a lot of serious relationships so I am not new to the rules or dating or anything.

 

My ex and my sister in law were really good friends. My sister in law is a big mouth. She told me that my ex bought a book called the rules or something like that and another book on how to make a guy fall in love.

 

I 99% knew that she was playing the games. I knew she didn't care about the other guy at all and I knew she was waiting a few hours every time she would return my messages. I knew exactly what she was doing but then when I heard she was hanging out with the other guy even tho I was 99% sure of what she was doing. That 1% that was left was enough to make me go crazy trying to get her back. I won't go into all the stupid embarrassing things I did but I totally humiliated myself trying. Ugh I wish I could go back and take some of those things back.

 

I see what you are saying tho. You would almost rather him keep you hanging than just know that its over. Breakups are so sucky. I am sorry you are going through this. Of course it doesn't help that you are in Wisconsin and there is probably nothing to do other than go cow tipping. lol GO PACKERS!! haha

[flexie08]

Lol yeah there really is nothing to do in Wisconsin (at least in the area where I'm from) but yeah I hope men aren't that complicated and I am just over reacting. Last night I was Skyping with a friend and while deleting some messages off my phone I accidentally called his number. I quickly hung up because I didn't mean to do that, but he ended up texting me saying "You called, what's going on" and I didn't reply. Then he texted me 5 minutes later saying "please talk to me" then he called me and I was on the phone with someone else and he got mad at me for being on the other line and not picking up. Then he said something like "I'm sure you're talking to your best friend. (the male one from California) Hope he's making you feel better." I did end up calling him back but I knew to keep the conversation light and not fight. I told him it was an accident and he asked me who I was on the phone with and I told him one of my girlfriends. He questioned why I was talking so late and I just brushed it off. Then he apologized for yelling at me on Thursday and told me it's been a bad week and that he worked very long days these past few days. Then he seemed to get frustrated and just said "ughh i don't know" he said he had to go and I told him I had to go too. Then he told me not to forget to rewind my clock for day light savings. So I don't know if that was a good sign from him or what. He seemed to be emotional towards me but I don't know if I am getting anywhere with him?

[flexie08]

Just trying to be ok

Edited November 3, 2014 by flexie08

[leoc1973]

Yeah boss man she does have a painful experience ahead but she needs to have it. She is young and this will show her eventually when she finds a "good man" to keep him and not take advantage. Lots of women go the other way. Have a good man and thing the grass is greener. Dump him and end up with a few losers and then the good man she had was gone so its good that she gets this experience out of her system before the good men.

 

But anyway do you see what I mean? now imagine that you told him something like you were on the phone with "a friend". He would have asked you if it was a guy and then you could have told him something like "I don't wanna lie to you but yeah it was" Then you would have seen him get really jealous. Then you blow him off a few more times and he will be begging. Like I said I know the type and you could have this guy eating out of the palm of your hands. Or beating you. I would almost guarantee that he is a hitter. He flies off the handle way too easily and loses it when he doesn't get his way. 2 divorces... hmmm..

 

But like I promised. I am not going to lecture. I am only going to give you advice on how to get him back because that is what you want. His mind is racing right now. He suspects that you were talking to a guy because it was late at night. You will most definitely hear from him in the next day or so. DO NOT show any interest. No matter what your heart tells you!! DO NOT! End the conversation first and tell him you gotta go because you have plans. If he asks with a guy. You tell him exactly this, "i'm a single girl, I can pretty much see anyone I want" That will be it. He will be putty.

[flexie08]

Thanks again for the help. I didn't hear from him yesterday and today I know he's working so I don't know if I will hear from him today. Usually I would but sometimes not. It sucks, but I know it's what I have to do. I would love it if he was eating out of the palm of my hand. I just hope I am capable of having that happen. And don't worry, he's not a hitter. Trust me, I layed down that rule when we first started dating that if he or any man hits me I would be gone. He's not the violent type but he does tend to get upset easily. I don't know how he's doing today but hopefully he's missing me.

[Bluesandy]

Just a question, when did he spit with his ex-wife ? if it is too close, that could explain a lot...

[flexie08]

He has been separated from her for 2 years.

[Bluesandy]

ok.. I have been separated from my wife 18 months ago and still not completely there.... may be that's the problem with him.... I have had several relationships since, still with the last one from 7 months ago, and I am unfortunately not as good as I should be.. When you were married plus kids, usually it can take 3 years to be back in your head... may be it is just a matter of time.. be patient..

[flexie08]

Yeah I am trying to be patient. I hope it pays off. I know he's going through a lot. But the kids aren't hers. She is his second ex wife. I know that sounds bad, but I'm glad they at least don't have any kids together. I miss him very much.

[howcouldInotknow]

Dating a separated man in the middle of a divorce is a huge risk. Seriously it's huge. There is always tons of baggage and emotional highs and lows. They are also used to having companionship so many seek that out fairly quickly after divot even though they aren't ready for it. I made the same mistake as you did when I was younger. Although I was clear about not becoming too involved because of emotional baggage that comes along with his situation. This sounds cliche but let it go if it comes back then it's really yours. If you need to discuss more feel free to send me a PM

[flexie08]

Well here's a little update. I was at work yesterday evening but he ended up calling me and I was unable to answer. I texted him a short message a few hours later saying sorry I couldn't pick up and that I hope he had a nice day. He hasn't responded yet or talked to me today, but is it a good sign?

[Bluesandy]

a good sign ? not really... the fact you couldnt answer just showed him you were still emotionally involved. And the message you sent him afterwards just confirmed him that feeling.. In that case, he knows you are in his hand...That's bad... I know it is difficult, but whether you don't answer to anything, or whether you speak to him as you don't care anymore about him, like you are happy in your life and expecting nothing....

[Bluesandy]

Dating a separated man in the middle of a divorce is a huge risk. Seriously it's huge. There is always tons of baggage and emotional highs and lows. They are also used to having companionship so many seek that out fairly quickly after divot even though they aren't ready for it. I made the same mistake as you did when I was younger. Although I was clear about not becoming too involved because of emotional baggage that comes along with his situation. This sounds cliche but let it go if it comes back then it's really yours. If you need to discuss more feel free to send me a PM

 

Yep, I second that feeling..... However, everything is possibile, so if you think he is the right guy, be patient and strategic.... You could win him.. But is is a hard bet, for sure.... I was there, so I know I could be harsch with the girls I have been with....