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Can a cheat change?


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This is very long winded so bare with me...

Over a year ago I fell head over heels with a man who suffers with combat PTSD and alcoholism, although he denies both his behaviour over the last year has become increasingly challenging and started to get mildly violent.

That aside, I have stood by him and supported him unconditionally.

About 3 months I to the relationship we got into a drunken arguement and he told me he was cheating on me because he didnt find me sexy.

I accepted his excuse of him deliberately point scoring.

Then he messaged a friend of mine a message on an online dating site while I was sat next to her about 5 months into the relationship...I accepted his excuse of recognising her and saying hello because he knew she was my friend.

About 7 months I to the relationship I found messages between him and a male friend asking said friend if friends girlfriends knew of any girls she could hook him(my fella) up with.....reluctantly I accepted his excuses which made no sense whatsoever but I couldn't bring myself to not believe them.

A year into the relationship, I noticed typical cheating behaviour, hiding his phone from me, changing passwords to everything up to four times a week, getting angry and defence full at me if I questioned anything, being unable to get intimate with me, downloading whatsapp on his phone and finally finding condoms in his overnight bag tipped me into leaving him. Without too much detail, I found out after much digging and confronting my fella that he had been messaging a girl he'd gotten to know from an online dating site and they'd exchanged numbers but when she wanted to meet he realised that it was becoming reality and backed off. He said he went on the sites because we were in a terrible place (which to be fair we were) and this girl had messaged back and they exchanged numbers and spoke regularly. He said she sent him explicit photos but he didnt send any back and that even though she wanted too he never actually met her.

Since then he has been desperate to get back together, he has texted solidly every day for several weeks, has had flowers delivered, and even went as far as to get us in a TV talk show so he cod do a lie detector and prove he never actually physically cheated.

During these 'attempting to win me back' weeks he has signed himself up to many different online sites, some used purely for sexual meet ups. He has even created a subscription and account on an escort agency site and I found numbers of prostitutes in his phone.

He claims I've got the wrong end of the stick of everything. He claims he knows he did wrong messaging another woman but that it only went as far as a few messages, he claims the reasons why he signed up to sites was because his head had been all over the place because I couldn't decide if I could try again or not with him.

Now, I need empathetic and understanding advice please. I know I sound a massive mug but the fact of the matter is I'm a desperately caring person and in some ways I'm reluctant to walk away because of his issues and also because I do love the guy. I am desperate to believe he hasn't slept with anyone else since we got together but the evidence is so stacked against him but he is adament he hasn't. What's worse is because naturally I still want him and he's saying all the right things and I'm concerned if I walk away will I be walking away from the changed man that he apparently is now and be missing out on an amazing future?? We're both only in our late twenties, but I do need someone who doesn't know me and is blinded by biased hate for him for hurting me to talk too?

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Welcome to LS

 

The man in question must be good-looking or charming or both. He appears to be getting away with things I couldn't imagine in my wildest dreams.

 

Here's my take as a fMM. I didn't cheat today.

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EMz87,

I'm a mug aren't I

 

No, but you have made some unwise choices.

 

Over a year ago I fell head over heels with a man who suffers with combat PTSD and alcoholism, although he denies both his behaviour over the last year has become increasingly challenging and started to get mildly violent.

 

So what is it you love about this man who is unable to take responsibility for his own actions?

 

That aside, I have stood by him and supported him unconditionally.

 

...and in doing so you have absolved him of any responsibility to change...

 

About 3 months I to the relationship we got into a drunken arguement and he told me he was cheating on me because he didnt find me sexy.

 

So where you both drinking at the time? If so, you are enabling him to continue with his addiction.

 

I accepted his excuse of him deliberately point scoring.

 

Why? By not challenging his hurtful remarks you told him it was OK to carry on verbally abusing you.

 

and even went as far as to get us in a TV talk show so he cod do a lie detector and prove he never actually physically cheated.

 

did he pass ?

 

I agree that your boyfriend is definitely having an affair and he's having it with alchohol. That is the third party in your relationship. As long as your boyfriend puts his relationship with alchohol before you, you will have problems.

 

he denies both his behaviour over the last year has become increasingly challenging and started to get mildly violent.

 

What does "mildly violent" mean - does he just give you one black eye instead of two ?

 

How long will you agree to stay with him as his violence increases, one split lip, two, three?

 

I am not sure where you are but if you are in UK I would suggest you contact AA - (Alchoholics Anonymous) for help and advice. Alcoholics Anonymous (Great Britain) Ltd - Home

 

If you are in North America I am sure they have similar organisations.

 

Good luck

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What is "natural" about you still wanting him? And, if his changes really are so apparent, why would you still be wondering about your relationship and needing external reasons to stay with him?

 

Being a Vet and/or an alcoholic does not, in and of itself, by some magical or God-given power or authority, give anyone "free passage" to eff-up the rest of their lives and, concurrent with that, the lives of the people who love them or want to love them.

 

Being a "desperately" caring person is still just being desperate. Aim for being a logical, sensible, reasonable and realistic, lovingly-caring and self-lovingly-caring person.

 

If your daughter or very best and dearest friend was in this exact same position, the exact same situation, how would you counsel her?

...but the fact of the matter is I'm a desperately caring person and in some ways I'm reluctant to walk away because of his issues and also because I do love the guy. I am desperate to believe he hasn't slept with anyone else since we got together but the evidence is so stacked against him but he is adament he hasn't. What's worse is because naturally I still want him and he's saying all the right things and I'm concerned if I walk away will I be walking away from the changed man that he apparently is now and be missing out on an amazing future??
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I'm a desperately caring person and in some ways I'm reluctant to walk away because of his issues and also because I do love the guy.

 

You teach people how to treat you.

 

There's nothing "desperately caring" about you, but rather you're desperate for him to care for you, and the more he treats you badly, the more you hold on for dear life because you lack boundaries, self-respect and self-love.

 

I believe you confuse "love" for unhealthy dependence. And that is what you have for him because I cannot imagine any woman that would sit there and tolerate such behavior -- what could be loving about a man that treats you this way?

 

If the relationship lacks values that support a healthy relationship -- honesty, loyalty, compromise, respect, etc. -- unfortunately love isn't enough.

 

I am desperate to believe he hasn't slept with anyone else since we got together but the evidence is so stacked against him but he is adament he hasn't.

 

You're desperate to believe he hasn't slept with anyone else because believing it would mean letting go and you're not able to do that.

 

IWhat's worse is because naturally I still want him and he's saying all the right things and I'm concerned if I walk away will I be walking away from the changed man that he apparently is now and be missing out on an amazing future??

 

Men like him always say the right things, what you want to hear, and when you've shown him that you will tolerate absolutely anything to be with him, he knows he has you in the palm of his hand.

 

And he becomes the most wonderful man because he has to get you back in his control, he has to regain your trust, and when he does, the man that he really is, will reveal itself again.

 

Changed man? If only change were that easy.

Edited by Zahara
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