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Am I over-thinking this? Why is she msging me?


d3sigN8t3dDruNk

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d3sigN8t3dDruNk

Hey Peeps, looking for some advice…especially from Females on this matter.

 

My ex-fiance and I have been broken up since Feb 18 this year after a 5.5 year relationship. I havent contacted her at all since May 30th. She has another BF, and I have another GF. My question is, She msged me asking about bout son, and how his summer was going on July 5. The irony here is I had concert tickets to meet my favorite band Motley Crue on the 4th or so and me and her were supposed to go together. I didnt reply to her msg then. She then msged me again end of august, saying how sorry she was, that she knew how much i loved her and that she crushed me and apoligized and said I hope you and your son are doing well. Again, I didnt reply. She just msged me again last night, asking how my son is again. I didnt reply.

 

This is going on almost 150 days of NC. Why would she be msging me? I would expect after the first 2 ignores, she would get the hint that I didnt want to talk. Our what would be 6 year anniversary is next saturday the 25th. That could be why shes msging me, obviously she is thinking about us or I wouldn't get any msgs. Am I reading into this too much? or is there something to be worth replying to her and see where it goes. I do love this woman and probably will never stop. I have already forgiven her for everything shes done or said and I could move past it. Thoughts?

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Hey Peeps, looking for some advice…especially from Females on this matter.

 

My ex-fiance and I have been broken up since Feb 18 this year after a 5.5 year relationship. I havent contacted her at all since May 30th. She has another BF, and I have another GF. My question is, She msged me asking about bout son, and how his summer was going on July 5. The irony here is I had concert tickets to meet my favorite band Motley Crue on the 4th or so and me and her were supposed to go together. I didnt reply to her msg then. She then msged me again end of august, saying how sorry she was, that she knew how much i loved her and that she crushed me and apoligized and said I hope you and your son are doing well. Again, I didnt reply. She just msged me again last night, asking how my son is again. I didnt reply.

 

This is going on almost 150 days of NC. Why would she be msging me? I would expect after the first 2 ignores, she would get the hint that I didnt want to talk. Our what would be 6 year anniversary is next saturday the 25th. That could be why shes msging me, obviously she is thinking about us or I wouldn't get any msgs. Am I reading into this too much? or is there something to be worth replying to her and see where it goes. I do love this woman and probably will never stop. I have already forgiven her for everything shes done or said and I could move past it. Thoughts?

 

Totally go NC.

In my opinion, she just wants to 'ease the guilt' and once you reply and eased her guilt… she would disappear! Totally go for NC, work on yourself (go gym, be fit!) and your relationship with a new girlfriend and one day you could chat with her with confidence and she can't help but to think 'damn… why did i dump him…… but its too late… he has a girl now'

 

or something like that

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d3sigN8t3dDruNk

thing is, im not really feeling the new gf. been 2 mons and dont really have any thoughts or excitement about the future at all.

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Simon Phoenix

Well, your ex isn't feeling you either, so I'd stay the hell away. And block her number in the process. But yeah, you thinking this text means anything is foolish as hell. If it meant something, she would do more than text you.

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ThorntonMelon

You're not overthinking it. I don't see why being curious about it is unnatural.

 

However, you have a GF right now, which means you should be focused there.

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I would say, message her back. I know the big thing here is no contact, but you've done that. After so much time you will either realize one of two things: 1) it's over, and talking again just confirms that or 2) you said you were engaged, so obviously there was lots of love on both parts, and maybe the time apart has done you both good

 

I wouldn't be cynical. If you still love her after all this time and you don't see a future with you current gf, reply. In 20 years you won't regret the things you did, but those you didn't do.

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evanescentworld
thing is, im not really feeling the new gf. been 2 mons and dont really have any thoughts or excitement about the future at all.

Then break up.

It's unfair to keep stringing her along if you're not committed to making a go of this. She may be fully into it, and unaware she's barking up a dead tree.

 

But I would reiterate the advice of others who say No Contact is the best way to remain.

in fact, I'm puzzled as to why you have not blocked your ex from all means of getting in touch with you.... You can download a text-blocker for free, and they work, too.

 

But if your current GF is not ringing your bells, then it's really not a nice thing to stay just for the sake of it.

 

You sound a bit depressed to be honest, and that's no way to treat a lady....

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To a certain extent I can see the benefits of going NC, mostly when it's used to just flat out move on... However, a lot of people throw it around like it's the cure all to every relationship/emotional problem or predicament... And I think it's just so absurd.

 

Going no contact with an ex is sometimes a very healthy choice, but it doesn't mean it's applicable to every situation. I think that you did no contact when you felt it was necessary, and to do it now if you think you might have any slight chance of rekindling an important and significant relationship would just be a shame. Because from what you've described, the whole "No contact to get your ex back" theme that's so popular here *kinda* in theory worked for you. She is contacting you. She wants to know how your son is doing. By responding it could be a heartbreak all over again, or not. It's up to you to decide if it's worth that risk. I hope it is.

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evanescentworld

Yes, but they're BOTH with someone else.

 

She needs to break up with her current BF, if she truly wants to try again.

There is no evidence whatsoever in her texts that she does.

Her texts are too sporadic and infrequent to denote any desire to get back with him.

She's with someone, and just expressed remorse and regret.

 

That's a classic dumper-move to relieve the guilt and make themselves feel better.

It's all breadcrumbs, there are no moves to reconcile.

 

And the OP needs to separate from his GF if she's a rebound/gap-filler.

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I understand it's easy to lump people and their actions into certain groups but at the same time people are very diverse and complicated... Sometimes it's very easy to derive from a text message what someone is looking to accomplish.. Other times not so much.

 

Yes, they are both in relationships, which is why what you mentioned about there being no apparent desire to reconcile on her part is important...

 

If they were to talk and realize a spark is there that they can't deny, then it's time to break it off with both SOs.

 

Right now, the OP should break it off with his current gf since he's already expressed not seeing any future with her.. But we don't know what his exes situation is. I'm not here to judge him, I'm here to answer his question. And, in my opinion, if he's not happy in his current relationship and the woman he loves is reaching out... See what it's about. Obviously, like I said he should probably end things either way with the gf, and if he talked to the ex and it went nowhere and he just continued on with the gf like nothing happened that would be an ******* move. But from his posts I feel like he's just in a confused place emotionally, so I just think he should follow his heart with this. Because the mind can also deceive.

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evanescentworld

I don't think he should follow his heart.

 

Thinking with your head, works.

Thinking with your heart, doesn't.

People who follow their hearts invariably see them crushed underfoot.

 

If he risks engaging with his ex, and she tells him she was just being friendly (and NOTHING in her texts indicates otherwise!) then it's a double-dash.

 

It's over. In the past.

Best left there.

My opinion.

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Life is about love, and common sense.

 

Sometimes, when people ignore common sense and all obvious signs pointing towards the fact that people dont want to be with them.. then it's good advice to say "follow your head".. lol

 

I think it would be pretty sad if most people followed their head vs. their hearts in life.. following your heart doesn't mean ignoring warning signs or just plowing blindly toward someone you know doesnt want you... sometimes it means taking certain risks and allowing yourself to believe in something...

 

Not everything is so logical. We are emotional and complicated beings.

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evanescentworld
Life is about love, and common sense.
There is NO common sense in re-establishing contact with someone who broke his heart, and who gives no indication of wanting to reconcile...

 

Sometimes, when people ignore common sense and all obvious signs pointing towards the fact that people dont want to be with them.. then it's good advice to say "follow your head".. lol
..

Like here, for example...

 

I think it would be pretty sad if most people followed their head vs. their hearts in life.. following your heart doesn't mean ignoring warning signs or just plowing blindly toward someone you know doesnt want you... sometimes it means taking certain risks and allowing yourself to believe in something...

Tragically, the ratio of people following their hearts, and having them shattered again, is disastrously high, on this forum. This is why it is always, but always wiser to err on the side of caution.

If Life is about Love, then Common Sense dictates you guard your own love, first - that is, you look out for Number One. We are more precious to ourselves than anyone else can be, for if we permit ourselves to dash blindly into what we fervently hope for, rather than what we confidently know, we are in for a nasty, harmful, hurtful and self-destructive fall.

 

Not everything is so logical. We are emotional and complicated beings.
Which makes the search for common sense and Logic, all the more vital.

Imagine if politicians permitted themselves to make decisions based on their emotions rather than calculated Logic.

 

We all need 'Heart'.

We all need to protect it, too...

 

I do respect your opinion btw. I am just saying its not always so black and white.

No, it isn't. And usually, the grey area is a shroud of emotion.....

 

Thank you so much for the compliment. Please be assured, I reciprocate.

It's nice to discuss the matter without resorting to Anger and bitterness. It happens frequently on this forum, I find, which is sad, and as we have ably demonstrated, completely unnecessary... :)

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Simon Phoenix

Team evanescentworld on this one. The "follow your heart" stuff sounds great on Hallmark cards and in romantic comedies, but it's a recipe for disaster an overwhelming majority of the time. Hearts mean well, but unfortunately, they have s--t for brains. There's absolutely nothing here that indicates that she has a desire to reconcile, and "following your heart" is a great way to run directly into an oncoming 18-wheeler on the highway.

 

You don't want to be completely brain dependent either. That is also bad. But the brain is absolutely essential in these situations, because the heart tend to bend things and deceive us from reality.

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d3sigN8t3dDruNk

OK. Heres the deal and an update. I am going to break up with this gf of mine today. I had no intentions of not doing so and stringing her on like some kind of *******. I did msg my ex back and answered her question. She responded and the conversation went further and she asked if she could talk about us, and we talked for a bit on FB, then on the phone. Shes not with her bf anymore they broke up a few weeks ago b/c her heart wasn't in it either. So were going to meet up and see how things go. We arent diving right back in, what we had is dead, and this could be a fresh start. If there is a still a spark other then phone conversations then well go from there. The phone talk was great, nothing overly emotional and an adult talk we should have had months ago in my opinion. So wish me luck :)

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evanescentworld

I think you have made absolutely the right decision with your current GF. I think that's the best thing you could do.

 

As for the contact with your ex, you have chosen an extremely sensible approach, and I admire your logic.

 

"What we had was dead."

 

Very perceptive of you, and I commend you for approaching this with a level-headed attitude - which as you can see from my above discussion with rawrrxlaurr we were quite opinionated about!

 

I really do wish you the very best of luck and hope things go well for you both, whatever you decide.

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d3sigN8t3dDruNk

Yea me to. This is the only way to truly handle this. Ive listened to enough podcasts and read enough forums and stuff for ideas and inspirations on what I should. Everyone said to let go of what you had. and I have done that, and I have told her that the past is gone, all we have is the future and what we do with it, is up to us. This was all her idea, she contacted me and i responded then she asked to talk about "us". It wasn't my doing. Hopefully it works out, cause I know this is the woman of my dreams.

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d3sigN8t3dDruNk

*UPDATE*

 

I bought flowers, and her favorite candy. Wrote her a 4page letter on how i felt about her incase I couldnt say it or didn't get everything.

 

We met up today at 10am at a public park. Sat on the picnic table and talked for 90 mins or so, went and got lunch at one of our favorite hot spots. Drove her back to her car at the park, we sat in mine for a while, talked some more. I grabbed her hand, kissed it, and told her everything I felt. I cried, she cried. We sat there quiet for a bit. She asked if i wanted to take a walk. so we walked through the woods for a while, then went and sat back at the table. Talked some more. 3:30 rolled around, she needed to go. She hugged me, i kissed her forehead and told her i loved her and we got in our cars and left.

 

After I got back home, I got a text from her saying how great today was and how much she can tell I've changed and that the letter was really amazing and made her feel good.

 

All positives. This is good news. :)

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