Should I keep trying or give up?

[laelithia]

Hi everyone,

I'm unsure of what my next steps should be. I will try and keep this as short as possible. Last January, I started a friend with benefits relationship with someone I met online. Before that, I had a string of short unsuccessful relationships following a major break up earlier that year (I was with him for 6 years, we had a house and dogs, it was more like a divorce). Having been burnt out of the dating process, I decided a fwb relationship would be fine for me. Not surprisingly, not long after I began to develop feelings for the guy. I told him, to which he said he agreed that he did also but he could not be in a relationship right now as he didn't know what his future held. He is 23 and I am 25. When he told me this, I said I could no longer continue the relationship as it was, and was going to date other people. I started dating someone else, but again that relationship didn't last long, a couple months maybe.

 

During this time the fwb guy told me he wished he had been open to a relationship with me, and wished I would give him a second shot. After about a month of talking, I decided to give him a chance. We officially started dating in May, and we were very happy for the first month or so. However, I was at a very stressful stage in my life, between moving, finishing my masters, quitting my job and beginning my practicum at a counselling agency. I was very stressed during this time, and still quite emotionally vulnerable from past relationships. I admit I began to doubt my now boyfriend's feelings for me, and began starting arguments endlessly over little things that shouldn't matter. We were very passionate, but also in arguments.

 

Eventually he went on a camping trip with a close friend of his who did not like me, and when he got back he said he was going to see his sister and come see me later. I was angry that he wasn't going to see me first, especially when things had become rocky between us. I started an argument over it, and eventually in anger I "broke up" with him, expecting him to come back. However, he did not this time. This was late July. When I apologized and told him I regretted what I had said, he told me he needed space. I gave him a few days of space, and contacted him again. He told me he needed more space and couldn't talk to me right now.

 

During this time I was unaware if we were together or not, on a break, or what. After a week total, I told him I needed to know what was going on and asked him. He said he thought he was clear that we were broken up. I was devastated, even more than the break up of my previous 6 year relationship, because I did not feel we should break up and during that time of us apart I reflected on how awful I had been, and how sweet he had been. The whole month of August and most of September I was miserable about the break up. We went some time here and there without talking, but for the most part we were always in contact.

 

In September he began telling me he missed me sexually. I told him I did as well, after all this is how our relationship began. We began being intimate with each other, although I was conflicted over this for obvious reasons. When I asked him about getting back together, he said he couldn't for no, at least for some months as he wasn't emotionally stable. He didn't know about the future, but he couldn't right now.

 

Fast forward to now, I'm unsure of how to proceed. We talk all day usually, he calls when I seem upset and even said to me one day "we are pretty much in a quasi-relationship! Why am I even calling you all the time?!" when I accused him of not caring about me anymore. He has dropped hints that we are incompatible in the sense that we argue so much, but it seems now the content of the arguments are more about him not opening up and being honest with me rather than anything else. I have learned many lessons after being on my own for a few months, but at this point I'm unsure of what I should do. I have tried dating again, but I feel no desire to spend time with other men and instead have been focusing on my career. I am drawn to my ex though, in a way I never have before because deep down he is a kind and caring person. I know he does care about me, he has always been there if I needed him, but I'm unsure of what I should do. He's so different than how he used to be and I miss that person. However, when we spend time together I get glimpse of it again, as if spending more time together is bringing him back. He has told me he has been miserable since we broke up, and he has sobbed to me on the phone before, I can tell it has hurt him too. Sometimes I wonder though, maybe we're just not meant to be together.

 

Anyway, any advice would be appreciated. I'm so confused and unsure of what to do. Whenever I pull away and tell him maybe it's for the best, he will answer "you do what's best for you I guess. I know this isn't what I want". He has told me he still cares for me and wants me as a "friend", and I can tell it's true, I just don't know if I should keep holding on or let him go for the last time. I truly would miss having him in my life though, as he is a great person and I still remember how happy we were together. That being said, soon we will have been broken up longer than we were together, and I wonder if we'll ever be together in the future.

[CrazyCat17]

Hey there girl.

 

I'm kind of in a similar situation wondering if he will be able to commit to a serious relationship to me in the end. My advice to you (and myself) is to spend more time with your other friends (not to date, but just to hangout and have fun). Have a sleepover with some girlfriends and catch-up with life with them. Go volunteer on the weekends, or pick up a new hobby or class to keep your mind off of him. Apply for a gym membership, they have some fun workout classes each week (you can work on your body to look great at the same time).

 

When he sees you interested in other things, he may want to be interest #1 again by being in a relationship with you.

 

Make him work for it

 

Also make him contact you first. Since it seems like you're the one chasing after him, you need to turn the tables so its a mutual feeling for one another. Wait for his "Morning" text, and have him ask "How are you" first. You don't even have to ask him back "and you?"

 

Honestly, he probably does have a lot of think about on his plate. He just finished college a year ago maybe? And is in search for a career type job that pays well in this tough economy where good jobs are limited.

 

Not many people are ready for a solid committed relationship, they want to make sure other things are taken care of first (job, health, family issues, maybe even debt).

 

My ex- and I split our 5 year relationship because he wanted to go back to school to finish his degree and save money for a car, pay off his loans/debt (which was a lot), and further his career so he can be independent on his own and finally feel proud of himself.

 

I do feel sad at times, and have these mini break downs - I'm really grateful for friends who will lend me their ear to listen to me. <3

 

I hope that helps girl. I feel ya!

[laelithia]

Hey there girl.

 

I'm kind of in a similar situation wondering if he will be able to commit to a serious relationship to me in the end. My advice to you (and myself) is to spend more time with your other friends (not to date, but just to hangout and have fun). Have a sleepover with some girlfriends and catch-up with life with them. Go volunteer on the weekends, or pick up a new hobby or class to keep your mind off of him. Apply for a gym membership, they have some fun workout classes each week (you can work on your body to look great at the same time).

 

When he sees you interested in other things, he may want to be interest #1 again by being in a relationship with you.

 

Make him work for it

 

Also make him contact you first. Since it seems like you're the one chasing after him, you need to turn the tables so its a mutual feeling for one another. Wait for his "Morning" text, and have him ask "How are you" first. You don't even have to ask him back "and you?"

 

Honestly, he probably does have a lot of think about on his plate. He just finished college a year ago maybe? And is in search for a career type job that pays well in this tough economy where good jobs are limited.

 

Not many people are ready for a solid committed relationship, they want to make sure other things are taken care of first (job, health, family issues, maybe even debt).

 

My ex- and I split our 5 year relationship because he wanted to go back to school to finish his degree and save money for a car, pay off his loans/debt (which was a lot), and further his career so he can be independent on his own and finally feel proud of himself.

 

I do feel sad at times, and have these mini break downs - I'm really grateful for friends who will lend me their ear to listen to me. <3

 

I hope that helps girl. I feel ya!

Thank you for your reply, I'm sorry it"s taken so long to get back to you. My situation really has not improved much, in fact I think right now it's best if I don't contact my ex at this point.

 

How is your situation now?