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Are the rules different when you're the one that caused the breakup?


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Let's say you were the main reason why they dumped you, be it arguing, yelling, taking them for granted, etc.

 

Does that factor into the way you should play things after the breakup? Should you go all out NC, or should you go LC, and try to regain her trust? My ex pretty much gave me the chance to regain her trust, but I panicked and had to go NC, because I couldn't deal with this phase at all. It was only a day, and I already found myself thinking about things 24/7, and obsessing.

 

Is it a case of, if you can handle low contact, and you can keep your cool, then do it, but if you can't, and you have to know where things are going immediately, NC is the way to go? My problem is, I'm impatient, and I keep asking where this is headed, and if she's stringing me along, and I keep asking myself that. I can't help myself.

 

And I realized I just can't function through the day with a normal frame of mind by trying to do the LC thing. She wants it, and wants us to stay in each others' lives, but I can't handle it, until I have no emotions, or unless we're an actual couple again. She says I'm always in the mindset of, "I feel like what you were trying to say, either I have to take you back right this minute, or we're nothing." Isn't that a bread crumb? Why would she have to think about it? Gain her trust back? Should I try, or is this some elaborate "friend zone" scheme from her?

Edited by tikay00
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Not all break ups are the same.

 

However, if you were at fault & basically pushed the other person into ending it, unless you have completely fixed all of your issues be nice enough to the other person to leave them be.

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"I can't handle it, until I have no emotions, or unless we're an actual couple again. "

She says I'm always in the mindset of, "I feel like what you were trying to say, either I have to take you back right this minute, or we're nothing."

 

 

I think you answered this yourself. You want all or nothing.

 

 

 

 

"Let's say you were the main reason why they dumped you, be it arguing, yelling, taking them for granted, etc."

 

 

You wrote that your actions were main reasons for the break-up.

She might just want to take it slow to see if you changed.

Why would she instantly agree to get back together if you are going to be the same, do the same things, treat her the same, and not address the reasons she broke up with you?

 

 

"My ex pretty much gave me the chance to regain her trust, but I panicked and had to go NC"

 

 

Sounds like she offered a second chance and you rejected the offer.

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"I can't handle it, until I have no emotions, or unless we're an actual couple again. "

She says I'm always in the mindset of, "I feel like what you were trying to say, either I have to take you back right this minute, or we're nothing."

 

 

I think you answered this yourself. You want all or nothing.

 

 

 

 

"Let's say you were the main reason why they dumped you, be it arguing, yelling, taking them for granted, etc."

 

 

You wrote that your actions were main reasons for the break-up.

She might just want to take it slow to see if you changed.

Why would she instantly agree to get back together if you are going to be the same, do the same things, treat her the same, and not address the reasons she broke up with you?

 

 

"My ex pretty much gave me the chance to regain her trust, but I panicked and had to go NC"

 

 

Sounds like she offered a second chance and you rejected the offer.

 

It wasn't an official second chance. I didn't reject anything. I told her I have to go NC for my own sanity. I can't obsess over her, when in the end, she might just flake on me. I'd rather move on completely, and assume we'll never be again. After I'm healed, possibly be friends, but maybe not.

 

I panicked, because I didn't want it to be a case of her leading me on for weeks, and months, while she heals and moves on. I didn't just want to be an emotional crutch, if that's what it was about.

 

Either way. I couldn't do it without messing up by being clingy, and then saying or doing something stupid in my current state. No way. I have no regrets by going NC, because I'd rather live my life to the fullest, and change without her, then to be clinging onto her, while I try to change, and also thinking about her 24/7.

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And p.s.

 

I'm in a different frame of mind as we speak, so what I'm saying today is probably different than what I would've replied to you when I first made this thread.

 

Screw all that "proving" bs. I'm moving on.

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Let's say you were the main reason why they dumped you, be it arguing, yelling, taking them for granted, etc.

 

Does that factor into the way you should play things after the breakup? Should you go all out NC, or should you go LC, and try to regain her trust? My ex pretty much gave me the chance to regain her trust, but I panicked and had to go NC, because I couldn't deal with this phase at all. It was only a day, and I already found myself thinking about things 24/7, and obsessing.

 

Is it a case of, if you can handle low contact, and you can keep your cool, then do it, but if you can't, and you have to know where things are going immediately, NC is the way to go? My problem is, I'm impatient, and I keep asking where this is headed, and if she's stringing me along, and I keep asking myself that. I can't help myself.

 

And I realized I just can't function through the day with a normal frame of mind by trying to do the LC thing. She wants it, and wants us to stay in each others' lives, but I can't handle it, until I have no emotions, or unless we're an actual couple again. She says I'm always in the mindset of, "I feel like what you were trying to say, either I have to take you back right this minute, or we're nothing." Isn't that a bread crumb? Why would she have to think about it? Gain her trust back? Should I try, or is this some elaborate "friend zone" scheme from her?

 

The question is....what did you do?

 

If she ended things, but you acknowledge that the reason's for the break up were indeed your fault, then your chances are slightly better.

 

Ok let me give you an example (a stupid one):

 

Lets say she breaks up with you because...you don't shower often and you smell. ( :laugh::laugh::D )

 

She is probably tired of your bad odor, your dirty clothes. In general she also thinks that this is part of a larger personality issue of not taking care of yourself. She's told you many times you should shower more often, but you didn't listen. So you ended things.

 

Now, obviuosly the minute she ends things, you will take a shower, put on some clean clothes, and then go see her, asking for a 2nd chance.

 

She doesn't buy it, because its obvious you are just pulling this off so she'll take you back. You do it cause you are desperate, not because you've changed.

 

The thing is that, if she is dumping you because of some specific issue, you could manage to change that in yourself, and make her take you back (in the example, you can start by being more clean).

 

Low contact is sort of a good way in this case...because you can put some distance between the two of you, making her "forget" about the issue itself, so when you reunite she'll see a changed man (if you do change).

 

THE PROBLEM, is that by going low contact, she might start to move on, and you might get hurt when she does, while still hoping you guys will get back together in a few months.

 

So I would only advice to go LC if you are a 100% sure about a few things:

 

- You want her back

- You are sure you can change

- You are certain it was your fault and you broke up because of you

- You accept the fact that she may move on, and you'll get hurt

 

If you can, then go LC

 

If you can't then go NC, and try to move on.

Edited by dclan
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The question is....what did you do?

 

If she ended things, but you acknowledge that the reason's for the break up were indeed your fault, then your chances are slightly better.

 

Ok let me give you an example (a stupid one):

 

Lets say she breaks up with you because...you don't shower often and you smell. ( :laugh::laugh::D )

 

She is probably tired of your bad odor, your dirty clothes. In general she also thinks that this is part of a larger personality issue of not taking care of yourself. She's told you many times you should shower more often, but you didn't listen. So you ended things.

 

Now, obviuosly the minute she ends things, you will take a shower, put on some clean clothes, and then go see her, asking for a 2nd chance.

 

She doesn't buy it, because its obvious you are just pulling this off so she'll take you back. You do it cause you are desperate, not because you've changed.

 

The thing is that, if she is dumping you because of some specific issue, you could manage to change that in yourself, and make her take you back (in the example, you can start by being more clean).

 

Low contact is sort of a good way in this case...because you can put some distance between the two of you, making her "forget" about the issue itself, so when you reunite she'll see a changed man (if you do change).

 

THE PROBLEM, is that by going low contact, she might start to move on, and you might get hurt when she does, while still hoping you guys will get back together in a few months.

 

So I would only advice to go LC if you are a 100% sure about a few things:

 

- You want her back

- You are sure you can change

- You are certain it was your fault and you broke up because of you

- You accept the fact that she may move on, and you'll get hurt

 

If you can, then go LC

 

If you can't then go NC, and try to move on.

 

NC for me. Can't do the LG thing. LC means never being able to move on. You have to move on before getting them back anyways. No one wants a guy that's secretly trying to get them back, and isn't the peraon they met.

 

Besides, gotta let her go. If she comes back, hopefully I'm indifferent by then. My mindset is to believe she wont, and move on.

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NC for me. Can't do the LG thing. LC means never being able to move on. You have to move on before getting them back anyways. No one wants a guy that's secretly trying to get them back, and isn't the peraon they met.

 

Besides, gotta let her go. If she comes back, hopefully I'm indifferent by then. My mindset is to believe she wont, and move on.

 

What I ment is that...in a way you have better odds of reconciliation than most dumpees. So its not really necessary to go NC, if your plan is to win them back of course.

 

If you want to move on and forget, then its 100% NC ALWAYS--- because NC is about you moving on, not winning them back.

 

In most cases they dump you because they grow bored or meet someone else. Chances of getting back are usually low, like 5%

 

Now, in other cases like yours, when you KNOW you f*** up with something, then you get more odds, lets say 10%. Those are still very bad odds, but better.

 

(obviously the percentages I'm giving are not an actual statistical research, rather an educated example)

 

In those cases, I've seen LC sort of work, because since you know the reason can be fixed, then you may be able to convince them of getting back together.

 

I'm only saying this because, from your original post, I assumed that you are trying to win her back, but I might have misunderstood. If thats the case, please ignore what I said, and juts go NC cause its best :o

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What I ment is that...in a way you have better odds of reconciliation than most dumpees. So its not really necessary to go NC, if your plan is to win them back of course.

 

If you want to move on and forget, then its 100% NC ALWAYS--- because NC is about you moving on, not winning them back.

 

In most cases they dump you because they grow bored or meet someone else. Chances of getting back are usually low, like 5%

 

Now, in other cases like yours, when you KNOW you f*** up with something, then you get more odds, lets say 10%. Those are still very bad odds, but better.

 

(obviously the percentages I'm giving are not an actual statistical research, rather an educated example)

 

In those cases, I've seen LC sort of work, because since you know the reason can be fixed, then you may be able to convince them of getting back together.

 

I'm only saying this because, from your original post, I assumed that you are trying to win her back, but I might have misunderstood. If thats the case, please ignore what I said, and juts go NC cause its best :o

 

I was, but some people just can't handle "winning someone back" in a low contact situation, not knowing whether it's stringing along or a real chance. I posted a tumblr post of hers on here, and realized it was stringing me along, even if she doesn't know it.

 

Point is, yeah, I can try and win her back, but that's not healthy for my psyche on a day to day basis. Too much over thinking, obsessing, clinginess. That will only push her away even further. Like i said before. You have to move on, and actually let go in order to even come to them in a calm, and correct manner.

 

By going LC with her, I know for a fact I'll pull the ultimatum thing on her way too soon. Like i did twice before. In the end, NC for me. Yeah yeah, fight for love, but honestly, love doesn't break up with you over something that wasn't THAT drastic.

 

NC fellas. Best way to go. And not that BS NC where you try to make her miss you, but that NC where you literally become indifferent.

 

I'd rather have my manhood back, then to prove something to someone that's supposed to love me. Love isn't about proving ****. How about she prove to me she'll change her bad habits as well? Exactly.

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And again, I posted this thread when I was in the "get her back by any stupid means" phase.

 

Just in case I'm coming off like I'm bi polar lol. I've seen the light now, and fully realize, no matter the circumstance, they broke up with you, and if it wasn't from being abusive, or something reprehensible, THEY gave up on YOU.

 

NC, and truly move on. How can you try and get an ex back acting like a desperate puppy? NC, get your mind absolutely right, and if by that time you want to try, you'll be in a much better state to actually implement the "playing it cool" strategies. If by that time you realize you don't want her, great, you've moved on succesfully, and now it's time to do you, and get someone you're more compatible with.

 

I choose to get my manhood back, and IF by chance I encounter her again, it will be on 50/50 mutual terms. None of that extra sweet BS that will last for a few weeks, then be back to normal.

 

Tldr; you literally have to start a new relationship with your ex if you even want it to last more than a month. And hopefully by the time you move on, you don't even care anymore, and you meet another "woman of your dreams".

Edited by tikay00
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And again, I posted this thread when I was in the "get her back by any stupid means" phase.

 

Just in case I'm coming off like I'm bi polar lol. I've seen the light now, and fully realize, no matter the circumstance, they broke up with you, and it wasn't from being abusive, or something reprehensible. THEY gave up on YOU.

 

NC, and truly move on. How can you try and get an ex back acting like a desperate puppy? NC, get your mind absolutely right, and if by that time you want to try, you'll be in a much better state to actually implement the "playing it cool" strategies. If by that time you realize you don't want her, great, you've moved on succesfully, and now it's time to do you, and get someone you're more compatible with.

 

I choose to get my manhood back, and IF by chance I encounter her again, it will be on 50/50 mutual terms. None of that acting extra sweet BS that will last for a few weeks, then be back to normal. By moving on, and letting go, hopefully you've ACTUALLY chnaged by then.

 

Tldr; you literally have to start a new relationship with your ex if you even want it to last more than a month. And hopefully by the time you move on, you don't even care anymore, and you meet another "woman of your dreams".

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I've seen the light now, and fully realize, no matter the circumstance, they broke up with you, and it wasn't from being abusive, or something reprehensible. THEY gave up on YOU.

 

:bunny:You're inspiring me:bunny:

 

I have asked myself this, too. Why would I want to be with someone whose default is to bail on a moment's notice? What kind of person is that? Things were 100% awesome with us while we were together, but it all happened to be circumstantially easy, convenient, and comfortable. The minute something requiring a (not even a life-altering) amount of commitment occurred, my ex was gone. NC NC NC.

 

There are only two acceptable outcomes for my situation, which totally mirror your own thoughts on NC:

 

1) Consider hearing him out if HE realizes COMPLETELY how silly the decision was (because no one can MAKE someone realize anything), or

 

2) Set him free forever to break more hearts and torment other people, I'm staying out of it ;)

 

Anything forced by me will only end in disaster. Usually anything forced by anyone who was dumped (especially for things that could be sorted through honesty, integrity, and communication) will just end in disaster. It's like going door to door, with products OR a cause--people have to make their own decisions and conclusions, and without allowing them to do that, you either get the door slammed in your face or the warm and fuzzy comfort of knowing you swindled someone.

 

Having yourself figured out, unfortunately, doesn't always mean you get what you want, but it does mean you're playing for the right team. :D

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:bunny:You're inspiring me:bunny:

 

I have asked myself this, too. Why would I want to be with someone whose default is to bail on a moment's notice? What kind of person is that? Things were 100% awesome with us while we were together, but it all happened to be circumstantially easy, convenient, and comfortable. The minute something requiring a (not even a life-altering) amount of commitment occurred, my ex was gone. NC NC NC.

 

There are only two acceptable outcomes for my situation, which totally mirror your own thoughts on NC:

 

1) Consider hearing him out if HE realizes COMPLETELY how silly the decision was (because no one can MAKE someone realize anything), or

 

2) Set him free forever to break more hearts and torment other people, I'm staying out of it ;)

 

Anything forced by me will only end in disaster. Usually anything forced by anyone who was dumped (especially for things that could be sorted through honesty, integrity, and communication) will just end in disaster. It's like going door to door, with products OR a cause--people have to make their own decisions and conclusions, and without allowing them to do that, you either get the door slammed in your face or the warm and fuzzy comfort of knowing you swindled someone.

 

Having yourself figured out, unfortunately, doesn't always mean you get what you want, but it does mean you're playing for the right team. :D

 

He'll yeah! My ex gave me 2 breaks throughout the relationsip. What the he'll is a break? I'm the one that always wanted to talk about it, and for both of us to change.

 

I've come to the realization, as soon as you try to convince them to stay, or to get back, be it in a very innocent manner, or even through tactics. You lost all the power.

 

Who the he'll wants to be in a relationship where if you make one more mistake it's over. That's a one sided relationship if I've ever seen one. Remember, unless you're verbally abusive, physically abusive, serial cheater, or just plain abusive, then it has to be a 2 way street on fixing things.

 

Too many times the dumpee thinks it was only their fault, but don't realize there are things that the dumper did to trigger it.

 

Once you see the light, it's amazing, and SO MUCH EASIER to move on. And even if you don't want to move on, you HAVE TO in order to reestablish a new relationship with your ex. You literally have to. There's no other way, unless it was a situation where their parents didn't want you together or something to that effect.

 

And I promise you guys I'm not sweeping my wrong doings under the rug, and magnifying hers. I'm just not gonna be trapped in the, she's a perfect little wall flower mentality. Take her off that pedestal.

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