PeterJQ Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 A forewarning, this is going to be a long one, but this situation is odd. I'm 26. My ex is now 19. She was my first real relationship. She was always a very withdrawn person who didn't have really any friends growing up. She lived a sheltered life. She is an intelligent person, though, and is honestly the sweetest girl in the world. She was too young when we first started talking, so we simply got to know each other over the course of a couple of years. We started dating when she was 17, and being the lonely person that she was, she couldn't bear to be without me at night when she had to stay home (being under 18 she had a curfew so she couldn't stay the night with me). I lived with my family at the time (still do, unfortunately), and as soon as she turned 18, she essentially started staying over every night, which became unofficially moving in. I couldn't say no to her, and I wasn't completely against it. During our relationship and even before, I showed this girl everything. Everything that she loves and enjoys now. Our favorite hobby (gaming), the music she now listens to, tv shows, movies, food etc you name it. This girl was like my protege, girlfriend and best friend. We were always together, usually just hanging out at home on our computers. I could trust her in any situation, she was extremely loyal madly in love with me and always telling me about it, doting on me, praising every little thing about me. She was in bliss as long as I was there (which is confusing based on how this ends) I pushed away my friends for her, and for the most part my family. Although, being my first love after so long of being single, I was hesitant with a lot of things. She was pushy on subjects of love and marriage etc etc, and although I wasn't comfortable with it, I wasn't totally against it all. But regardless, she was head over heels. The perfect girl had fallen into my lap. This house though is crowded, with 6 people in it (us included) animals and a loud TV etc. She was a very delicate person who hated confrontation, and would occasionally talk about how she didn't like living here and wanted us to get our own place. She'd tell me I needed to look for a new/better job (I'm a server) and do things for myself. But I was so comfortable, so complacent with everything, knowing that our relationship was immortal, I stuck to inaction. We stopped really doing anything together on our days off because of me. I didn't go the extra mile for her anymore... Towards the end of it, early last month, she had clearly grown a little more agitated by the whole situation and my complacency, but at the end of the day always seemed happy to me right up until the very last day, and I knew she'd always be around. Then on August 15th, I went up north with my family for the weekend for a cousin's wedding. She stayed behind to look after the house. During the trip, I noticed via text that her behavior was becoming distant. Aside from that, nothing was amiss...But I had a horrible gut feeling that something was most definitely wrong...So I called her during the wedding reception. I asked her what was wrong. It took a while, but ultimately she told me she was unsure of us...it came as a complete shock, as I knew this girl would be with me forever. She even talked to me about marriage a few months back (and yes, again, I realize she's young and only 19). She said we seemed to be going separate ways. She talked of my inaction, my lack of motivation, my lack of enthusiasm when she was around...in general, my complacency...I begged and pleaded her to give me another chance, to which she seemingly reluctantly agreed. After the trip, I came home, and I go into my room to find every single thing of hers gone...She had moved back home to her house under my nose without even telling me...So I raced over there. I bawled in her driveway for a good ten minutes. I told her I didn't realize, I didn't know what I was doing. I had no idea she had truly been becoming unhappy. She told me then that over the past few months the feelings she had were just draining out of her and she didn't know if they'd ever come back and that there were signs... We hung out a little here and there for the rest of the week, until a week from that weekend, she ended it all on a phone call...telling me she just needed time and space to figure everything out and heal, and that nothing was final. She said we could text, but couldn't call and she couldn't see me or it'd be too painful. We texted a bit here and there, but everything was different...It's as if I were a stranger. I barely got much of any response out of her most of the time when I tried to text her as a friend, and it drove me nuts. So every now and then, I did what I now know you shouldn't do in this situation. I blew it all up. I texted her professing my undying love, pleading, begging, asking for a second chance, promising everything would be better and that my eyes were opened because of this situation. At a few separate times, I blew up her phone with phone calls too...never a response or answer...The only thing she would say is that I'm disrespecting her wishes and the one thing she wanted and needed right now...So, for the past 3 1/2 weeks since the official breakup happened, it's been a mix of me trying to give her the space she wanted and not being able to take it anymore and breaking. I've been holding onto the possibility we'd get back together, until yesterday. The past few days I wasn't able to get a single word out of her, and then finally she texts me saying: "I can't be what you want me to be anymore...I'm not angry, and I want you to succeed...But I can't be what you want me to be anymore." I then asked and pleaded "why? Just give me a reason." To which she said: "I've just been feeling it. Things would never be the same, and I just don't feel like we're right together. Even if we had salvaged it, this would always be hanging over us. It's just over. We did not break up over someone else, and I did not cheat on you. I don't want to keep talking about this, though. You've pushed me away by not respecting my wishes, too. It's just been constant..." After that, I realized I needed to stop...She never was seeing anyone, I know that. She was too into me and I'm sure her feelings really are still there...She's become extremely withdrawn since the whole incident: school, work, then home. Not really any friends for her to fall back on...But, the two things I need to know; have my extremely pushy actions really pushed her away to an irreparable state? Do you think if I cut contact with her she would start to miss me and maybe we could at least become friends again? I feel like if that happened I could test the waters and maybe rekindle something despite the fact that she claims it's over for good...I mean, like I said, she is only 19...This is the girl of my dreams, though, and I messed up the first time...I have to get her back if it's possible... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 It's not possible to get her back. She was using you. Sorry but that's my take on your story. She wanted to escape from her family for whatever reason & you provided that to some extent. It also seems very odd to me that you would not take her as your date to a family wedding. That snub alone may have set her off. At 19 pressuring you for marriage & a better job so you could support her also smacks of a girl looking to be taken care of. I'm not prepared to call her a gold digger but nothing about how you described her indicates that she is willing to roll up her sleeves & do for herself. The fact that her parents & yours were OK with her practically living with you also seems very odd to me. At 19 my parents would have locked me up before they let me have sleepovers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeterJQ Posted September 18, 2014 Author Share Posted September 18, 2014 She was not escaping her family. As I said she was obsessed with me. She loves her family and told me all the time how she missed her parents. Also, she didn't want to go to the wedding. Neither did I. I barely knew the part of the family involved. It was also a 12 hour drive. I told her she didn't have to go. And lastly, she herself had started going to school for computer engineering. In fact at one point SHE offered to take care of ME. So yeah... Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 She was not escaping her family. As I said she was obsessed with me. She loves her family and told me all the time how she missed her parents. Also, she didn't want to go to the wedding. Neither did I. I barely knew the part of the family involved. It was also a 12 hour drive. I told her she didn't have to go. And lastly, she herself had started going to school for computer engineering. In fact at one point SHE offered to take care of ME. So yeah... Why would you go if didn't want to? You're 26.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeterJQ Posted September 18, 2014 Author Share Posted September 18, 2014 Why would you go if didn't want to? You're 26.. That's a good question. I guess I just care about my immediate family a lot and what it meant to them for me to come along. In all reality, I shouldn't have gone. I should have stayed with her. Maybe things would have been different. Maybe that was the last straw for her. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 That's a good question. I guess I just care about my immediate family a lot and what it meant to them for me to come along. In all reality, I shouldn't have gone. I should have stayed with her. Maybe things would have been different. Maybe that was the last straw for her. Ehh..odds are this was coming anyways. All I can say is better yourself for you. Use this as a wake up call to get your stuff together and lead a productive life. No parents, girlfriend, whatever... Just do you. Link to post Share on other sites
hedyo Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 I think she feels like she's outgrown you, given that you are older than her, yet seem (according to you) more complacent and less ambitious. Speaking from my own experience, it is difficult to rekindle a relationship if you want a better life and your partner is happy to just coast along. If there's an age difference, you do kind of want your boyfriend to be a little further along in life than you in terms of education, career, financial stability. No woman really wants to have to support a guy 7 years her senior. I think your only option is to leave her alone and focus on improving yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
chstr Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 Went through almost the same thing. I feel you. Went through nc for almost 2 months. She made the 1st contact a month in Link to post Share on other sites
Author PeterJQ Posted September 20, 2014 Author Share Posted September 20, 2014 Went through almost the same thing. I feel you. Went through nc for almost 2 months. She made the 1st contact a month in How did it end up? Did she just contact to ask you how you were doing? Did you get back together? etc Link to post Share on other sites
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