How do I get him back?

[amkxoxo]

He had just gotten out of a relationship with someone else when we started talking and flirting. I started to fall for him. We dated, kissed, and sometimes would fall asleep in each others arms. I wanted a boyfriend before I gave up having sex with him, so that didn't happen.

 

He would spend time with me and we would have a great time. We had great chemistry. But I would always feel like I was losing him and I would be an emotional wreck over it. He would go out with his friends and never take me. Figuring it was a male only party group. I felt he liked me but he wasn't all in. I would tell him I liked him all the time. He would do nice things for me, but I always felt he was blowing hot and cold.

 

Some days it felt like he didn't care if he saw me. One day he told me he was very sick. I was worried about him. I offered to come over but he insisted no. Days went by and he wouldn't answer my texts. I was getting worried he was really sick. I finally texted his roommate and got an answer. He was fine. I then texted him showing my frustration. Then told him to come over asap. He ran over and when I opened the door I grabbed him and hugged him and told him I was so happy he was okay. He was shocked. He spent the afternoon talking to me and kissing me constantly. He has told me that in that moment he knew he liked me way more than he ever thought. He wasn't sure and in that moment he liked me for sure. I have no idea why. But that's what he said. He would look at me with this look of awe. And sometimes just look at me and tell me how perfect I was and that I should never change ever.

 

We were in college and he was graduating and I was not. He was going to be living an hour and a half from me once he left school. When it came down to the last few days he got all mushy. He was telling me he wanted me to come visit to his house. Giving me cute compliments. Acting like he was going to miss me. I loved it. He voiced to me that he liked me a lot, but wasn't ready for a serious relationship at that point. He told me he could see himself with someone like me, but he just wasn't ready. But he continued to kiss me and act all cute.

 

Once we were apart he changed. He would call me randomly, often late at night. Past midnight. After a while I voiced frustration to him about not feeling important. He again reminded me he wasn't ready for a relationship. But he couldn't stay away from me either. He felt I deserved more and he knew he could give me what I needed but he wasn't ready to at that point. He told me that when he felt ready he hoped to wake up and realize how much he missed me and needed me and he would come after me. He would say how he knew he was a good boyfriend but he didn't feel able to give me all he would want to. He had no job, car, went back to live with his parents.

 

But again he continued to call and flirt with me. So this left me confused.

 

Months later he came to see me. I acted cordial and friendly, like a friend only, because he wasn't ready for a relationship. He initiated cuddling, kissing, and other things. I was blunt and I told him "I don't think you are ever going to make me your girlfriend". He told me that wasn't true and he had other ideas. After that I didn't hear from him for weeks. I would send him texts and get no responses. I called him one night when I was upset and needed someone to be there for me. He was emotionless, not helpful and made me more upset. He texted me weeks later when he was in town again. I didn't respond. I figured he would make it a point to see me. He never did. We went for months with no contact. 7 months no contact. I reached out a few weeks ago finally.

 

I miss him all the time. I told him that we should meet up one day when I was going to be near his town. He was all down for it, but unfortunately my schedule changed and I couldn't. We texted back and forth. He told me to let him know if I was in town again and he has a car to travel to see me. I haven't heard from him since. I want to reconnect with him. But I think I am still hoping for more. I don't know how we went from 7 months dating on and off to nothing. I miss him. From what I have seen he is working on getting his adult life in order. Move out, get his own place, get a job, and a car. He isn't seeing anyone else form what I can tell. I have dated other men since him, some great, some not, but I always come back to him. We are both 21.

 

I don't know how to go about him. I want to be with him still. HELP

[mightycpa]

You were right. He's not going to make you his girlfriend. Not anytime soon, anyway.

[Assasda]

He hates you being needy and insecure.

You should have handled that before.

 

I think you should move on now

[ExpatInItaly]

It's going to sting for a while, but he doesn't feel the same way about you that you feel about him. He wouldn't have let 7 months pass with no contact if he wanted to pursue you. I think it was a convenient outlet for him while he was around but he never had intentions of making it into a relationship. It appears he told you a few times that he wasn't ready. Never wait around for someone.

 

Out of curiosity, when he was in your town and texted you, why didn't you respond? Did you feel he was only after a convenient cuddle, or..?

[amkxoxo]

Maybe you are right. Its just we dated off and on for 7 or 8 months then 7 months of no contact. Why date that long. Why all of it. He didn't even try. Why stop talking to me?

 

 

When he came to see me before that he called ahead of time to tell me and was excited to see me. I was in a car accident and broke my leg so I wasn't very mobile. He helped me. We had a good weekend. I didn't hear from him after that, not eve him seeing how I was doing. I ended up extremely sick during this time. Bed ridden. I called him one night upset over my predicament. I wanted to vent and I was emotional. He gave me general advice and wasn't supportive. This made me more upset. I got a little mad at him. But we resolved it by the end of the conversation. I kept asking him when he was coming back and he gave me no straight answers. He told me his priority for even coming was his friends. Slap me in my face.

 

 

 

 

The second time he was in town...I didn't text him back because he didn't text me anything relevant. He texted me that "I am in town for my friends birthday it should be fun." And he sent it at 2am none the less. Nothing about him being in town and seeing me. Or making plans. I figured if I didn't respond he would try and see me. Especially because I was still injured and not walking around good at all.

[isisisweeping]

Forget about him.

This guy is only going to hurt you and waste your time.

 

 

Maybe he likes you, maybe he is messing with you but it is irrelevant if he is not in a place in his life and in his head to treat you appropriately and he is not.

 

 

It's his issue, and there's nothing you can do to change it.

 

 

There's no being "good enough" or any behavior on your end that would change where his head is at.

 

The most you could do through game playing would be impart temporary pursuit by him to get the prize - maybe- but it would not be lasting.

 

Move on.

[tory1012]

Yeah I don't think this one will eventuate into anything deeper. It seems as though he used you when he felt he needed some physical or emotional company.

 

In my opinion you shouldn't want to be with somebody like this who is so self-serving. Doesn't seem to me like he gave about how you felt!

 

My advice would be to just move on from this one. He's not worth your time or effort! Find somebody frsh and new who will appreciate all you have to give.

[Simon Phoenix]

I remember when you were on here a year ago overanalyzing everything. Sucks to see that you've regressed. Honestly, this guy will never give you what you want because he doesn't have to. And until you truly stay No Contact and move forward -- not by dating other guys, but by regaining your sense of self, none of this will change. You can't make him do what you want -- he's his own person with his own free will. But you hanging around and waiting for him isn't going to do you a lick of good, just like it hasn't so far.

[Boomshine]

I remember when you were on here a year ago overanalyzing everything. Sucks to see that you've regressed. Honestly, this guy will never give you what you want because he doesn't have to. And until you truly stay No Contact and move forward -- not by dating other guys, but by regaining your sense of self, none of this will change. You can't make him do what you want -- he's his own person with his own free will. But you hanging around and waiting for him isn't going to do you a lick of good, just like it hasn't so far.

 

I'm gonna take this, but spice it in with an ACTUAL answer to your question in the title of your post as well. You want to know how to (possibly) get him back? Take your life by the reins once again. Go out, find your passions and purposes in your life, so that you can be completely happy regardless of whoever may come or go.

 

Take some time apart from him again, and let the neediness dissipate on your end of things, and the negative emotions dissipate on his end of things.

 

If, after doing all that, he's still doing this dance, then you know the issue is ENTIRELY on him. At that point, there is absolutely nothing you can do. It takes two to tango, and you can't force or coerce his participation. If things are better however, then you've done what you could and got the results you desired. Congratulations!

 

But you MUST take this time apart. Make yourself scarce to him, and raise your value immensely. And don't do it for his benefit: Do it because you want to better yourself. Do it because you want what's best for yourself. People are fleeting. They'll come and go throughout your entire life. You need to find your callings (notice the pluralization) in life so that no matter what happens, you always have emotional stability. Things may suck a little bit if you get dumped by some dude, but it won't matter so direly, because you'll have painting or photography or what-have-you.

 

Long story short, make your life as kickass as you possibly can, and see how things turn out from there! At that point, you'll have done everything you possibly can, and if he's still not down to play ball, then at least you'll be able to sleep knowing that it wasn't anything truly to do with you.

[amkxoxo]

Thank you all for reminding me to get back to myself. I have my weak days. I am a college graduate and need to get out of my parents house and create the life I have dreamed of, and I cant do that with a guy in my life. I do miss him, but since he hasn't called me, he obviously hasn't changed all too much. I need to focus on myself and be the best me I can be. I struggle with being myself again after everything not only with him but with friends. I lost some good friends all while losing him and it was a big hit to me trusting anyone. I am fearful. Betrayed by people I thought were good friends. Sometimes I just need reassurance that it is ok to be single. I am ok. It might stink but its ok. I will continue to miss him and that's ok, as long as I am doing what I need for my life and improving it. Its hard to cope with why someone did not want you. I think it was all to do with him and not me, but still. I have no one to blame so I automatically blame it on myself. I felt I did everything right. But I had no idea what I was doing and I just went with what I thought was right at the time. I was treated decently well by him but his lack of making me a priority constantly left me heartbroken. Its just those little off moments that leak into my mind. The things he said, and the moments I did feel special, and that he appreciated me for me. Saw me for this great person he thought I was. The chance for me to finally have a boyfriend that I actually liked through and through. I figured every relationship had problems so we had some minor ones, but I cannot put myself through the off and on, hot and cold torture I endured. I need to let him go, its so hard. I thought I had but then I started dating this guy that was perfect. This new guy was everything I ever asked for and I liked him. But de to life decisions he had to move away and at first we kept in touch and it was exciting. Now over time it has fizzled. He left too. Every good guy I like leaves. Its not meant to be. And then my ex came into my brain and I realized that I liked him more than any of these guys even the newest perfect guy. It made me miss him.

Edited September 17, 2014 by amkxoxo

[hedyo]

The irony is that once you get to a place where you love yourself and your life, you'll see that this guy was never worth your time! I had low self-esteem when I was your age, and was in a relationship with a guy who treated me like crap. He eventually dumped me, and I was devastated, even though I had been miserable in the relationship. I'd have done anything to get him back! I did manage to move on, however, and met a great guy who treated me like a queen. Although that relationship didn't work out either, I'm forever grateful that my "rebound" showed me what I should expect from a man. Ever since, if a guy is making me feel less than, I am outta there!

 

Eight years later, the guy who dumped me is pushing forty, a borderline alcoholic, severely overweight, still renting an apartment with friends, has no higher education and works a menial job. I have a full life, a master's degree, a good job, and I'm in the best shape of my life. Of course, he tried to reach out after a couple of years when he saw how well things were going for me. I ignored him.