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renewing an old relationship not working


owenbradford

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So I've reconnected with an old flame. We had a very good relationship once upon a time that was cut short by circumstances--one of us had to move away--but we're back in the same city, and we've reconnected.

 

I was able to pick up right where we left off. I've always loved her, and I have always carried a flame for her. I was overjoyed to get back in touch with her and resume our relationship.

 

But she's in a different spot now than we was then. She says she doesn't know what she wants--she's been in another relationship which ended badly and took a pretty big hit on her emotionally. She and I like spending time together, and we get along great. We see each other a lot, but it's really up and down.

 

We'll go out, have a great time together, and get a little carried away and start talking about doing things in the future (e.g., let's host a halloween party, let's take a trip out of town in a few weeks and get away together). Then she pulls back and puts some distance between us.

 

She says it's not me, that it's her. That she doesn't know what she wants. The problem is that I'm driving myself crazy. I get hopeful every time we have one of our ups, and despondent during all of the downs. It's unpredictable and nerve wracking.

 

She seems to give me just enough to keep me there. But I want more--I want the relationship we had before, which was among the best romantic relationships I've every had--we talked openly, got along well, didn't keep secrets, and were genuine with each other.

 

Part of me thinks that I should just walk away--I want a relationship, and she doesn't. I sometimes think that if I walk away, maybe she'll realize what I had to offer and will come after me, but I'm afraid that she won't chase me if I walk away and that I'll lose her again (of course, I don't really have her right now--at least not the way I want her).

 

Advice? What do you all think I should do?

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if you feel it in your heart and she does too, then take your time. shes hurt. you need to build back a solid relationship and it simply takes time.

 

you want it to be a full on relationship fast and it wont happen. shes with you. take her out, show her a good time, but dont give up.

 

just keep doing it one day at a time till she comes around and feels comfortable with you and sees things can be good.

 

she not telling you she doesnt want anything to do with you. she said shes hurt so shes not certain she wants a serious heavy relationship. be consitant and it will turn to it.

 

"have her"..? u just started. every relationship takes time for the two to bond. just go easy and be consistent

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It's really important that you take things slow with her. Look at this as a new relationship. Just because you two have dated in the past does not mean she is exactly the same. You two have been further shaped by more life and dating experience. Look at this as a new start and be patient. I can't over emphasize patience.

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You're living in the past.

 

You've both changed and grown as individuals. This is really a new relationship. Treat it as such and discover who she is today and what type of relationship you might be able to have today. It won't be the same one you had years ago. You're starting all over again, so lose the (unrealistic) expectations.

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The story you're telling has been studied and well documented. 46% of people who were separated, not by choice but by parents, moving, etc, those 46% can go right back to the old love and pick up where they left off - even if decades separate the last contact from the next one.

 

This means that 54% don't feel that way. Of the 46%, about 20% of them start off that way, then find that they have changed too much. They join the 54%, and that percentage grows to about 64%.

 

Ultimately, this means that chances are that even though you feel this way, she does not.

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Thanks everyone for the responses. I really feel stuck. She gives me such mixed messages--sometimes she talks about the future, and sometimes when I bring up the future, she retreats.

 

She's certainly different than she was before, and to some degree or another I'm in love with a ghost--that she's not the person she was before. She says she wants to be like that again--more confident and secure like she used to be. And I see that person here and there. She resurfaces a little bit here...a little bit there.

 

She's really not even a very good friend to me these days. She takes a lot without giving much anything back to me directly. At the same time, she tells her friends how great I am, that I'm always there for her, that I put up with her ****, that I might be the one that she belongs with, but that she's just not sure.

 

If I could get some of that positive reinforcement from her directly, it'd probably make it easier to be patient, to know that she might be in there someplace, but I only get it second hand, and it isn't as powerful that way.

 

I know I'm whining, and I feel pathetic chasing after her. Like I said before, I feel like she gives me just barely enough to keep me there and nothing more. It's very dramatic--up and down on a weekly basis. It's really taking a toll on my emotional health. I love the highs and I hate the lows--it's almost like some kind of addiction, or an abusive relationship.

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Sounds like you once had something great. Maybe you'll have that again as things unfold. It's hard to say. Either way, the rollercoaster you're experiencing is unfair to you.

 

I would have a chat with her and express exactly what you said above. Tell her, if the rollercoaster continues, you'll have to move on...but if you say that, you have to mean it. You have to be prepared to walk if her push/pull behavior and lack of positive input continue anyway.

 

Hope things work put for you.

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I can relate to your situation. I was dating a woman for 6 months and she had alot of emotional baggage from her last relationship which had ended badly. We were up and down. We would be close and then she would be distant. It was very frustrating. Finally i suggested that she go to counseling to deal with her emotional baggage, but she wasn't willing to address the problem. So I broke things off with her. It makes me wish people had warning labels "Caution: I am emotionally damaged from my last relationship and I am incapable of love" or something like that. In your case, you could ride it out and see what happens. Have you told her how the pattern of closeness and distance is making you feel? Maybe suggest that she goes to counseling and sorts out her emotional issues? Good luck.

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If you know she isn't over her break up why do you insist?

Typical new generation! They won't take no for an answer then complain because they waste their time later

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First of all who broke it off the first time? If it was you, then she probably has doubts about you but sensing that you are unlike most and are rather in touch with your emotions I don't think culpability is an issue here. And this is absolutely key.

 

Another thing is, her unsureness is actually a GOOD thing. When women say we do not love you anymore, we usually mean it, and quite frankly it's a done deal.

 

But if she is sending mixed messages she indeed is unsure and I would say right now to simply work on you.

 

Go NC on her but before you do tell her it is an all or nothing to you and this friendship is hurting you.

 

Another key piece of advice I must give, and I will slam EVERY ONE of your guy friends who "HELP" you by sleeping with another woman, is NOT sleep with someone if you truly want her back.

 

Yes you pose a risk of her sleeping with someone else first, but the thing is she doesn't sound interested in others. During NC there is no cardinal rule that you have to move on, date and so on in order to feel better. You can work on yourself without doing all those things especially if you want her back. Working on yourself with NC helps you heal and it also leaves you open to potentially working things out if you want to without the mess of you involving yourself with other women and her not being able to get over that herself.

 

That said, don't prevent yourself from doing anything if it makes you resent her. If you want to sleep with someone else, do it, but know you will likely never get her back. Know the consequences and weigh them for or against.

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If you read my recent post it might almost sound like the same story except I am this girl you mention and you are the guy in mine. My ex and I both were apart for year and though I did not begin a new relationship I moved on because he dumped me. What other choice did I have?

 

I'm sure this girl you like really is confused. It is hard for her to pick up where you guys left off it is more like she is starting over with you. You either need to take it really slow or cut contact until you are ready to just be her friend. That is all she can give you right now and it is not fair for you to have to wait for her when you feel so much more. I thought it was best to do that with my ex. I miss him so much, he is my best friend, but he feels more than I do and it's hurting him. I almost want to call him and tell him how sorry I am for hurting him and I want him back but that wouldn't be right. It sucks but he needs time to recover, and so do you now that you know where she stands.

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