Sam_Florida Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 (edited) Hello: I've been thinking what to write in a concise way for a while. I was in a long term relationship for more than 6 years. My ex (let's name him E) cheated early on in the relationship and I forgave him. About 2 years before the relationship ended (May 2012) I saw an email that he was trying to hook up and I confronted him and we broke up briefly. A month later I found another email and this time we broke up for a month. I was afraid to be alone and wanted also to give it a try as we knew each other very well. I lost trust as you can imagine. He tried to improve himself. I started drifting emotionally slowly by slowly until in April 2014 I told him that I love him as a person but not as a partner and we broke up. I forced him to move out and he became so depressed, lost a lot of weight although he was slender to start with. I was afraid he is going to die. Meanwhile, I met another guy (let's name him J) who we truly fell for each other very quickly. He was a lot younger than me and to be honest with you he was my first love. It was like a bliss. He kept telling me "You are so perfect, you are like dream came true.....etc". He sometimes told me "I feel you deserve someone better than me". Eventually he told me that he lost the battle and cannot be with me although he loves me so much. I got really heart broken and depressed. He tried to reconnect under disguise of being just friends but I could not so I told him to stop contacting me as it was hurting me. About one week ago, He sent a long heart filled email that he still loves me very much and he thinks about me all the time but he was scared. He wished me all happiness around me. It felt as if it was a closure letter. This letter stir up emotions again. My Ex E is not letting go and is trying to win me back. I told him that I really love him as a friend but I lost attraction to him as a partner. I started going to therapy and I've been to two sessions. I am not over J yet but I am trying as hard as I can to let go. It has not been easy. It is now 2 months since we broke up. I know I cannot go into any other relationship until I get over J totally. My Brain keeps telling me move on and I am trying as hard as I can but I cannot stop thinking about J or our relationship. I did a "let go ceremony" yesterday where I wrote a letter to J and took to the intracoastal (a large waterway canal) and read it loudly to myself then tore it and threw it up in the air saying goodbye J and I dumped the couple of gifts he gave me in the intracoatal (sorry environment but I really needed to do this). I looked back at the bag floating away and I waved goodbye. I felt better for an hour but guess what, I had a dream about J last night! I don't know what to do. I know E is quite repentant about what he did and he is dying to be with me again. I know if my heart does not move on from J, I will not be happy in any relationship. E is a very good guy and I forgave him for all the mistakes he has done. I truly forgave him. My brain tells me go back to him but my heart does not want to. I do not have close friends and this makes it harder and my family lives overseas so they do not know about any of this. E is pushing hard to get back together and I told him to take it easy but he appears desperate. I really do not want to lose him but at the same time I cannot really fall in love with him at least for now. I feel IF I go back to E it will be like rebound relationship from J and I do not want to do this. What should I do? Edited September 1, 2014 by Sam_Florida Link to post Share on other sites
ThorntonMelon Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 You need to give yourself a break. Lets say 90 days. Can you do 90 days of no-contact with both? Let's put it this way. Guy #1 is a cheating loser who isn't going to get any better. Guy #2 for whatever reason (which may have been Guy #1 or something else) has flaked on you at this point. So why not pick Girl #1 - meaning you? You don't need to decide this forever, just for 90 days. Give your brain and heart a break. Think as much as you need to. Take long walks. Breathe. Don't try and fix anything with anyone. 90 days from now, pick who you want to contact and see what happens. My hope (and guess) is you won't choose either. But you're not ready to hear that right now. Give yourself 90 days. You deserve it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sam_Florida Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 I told my therapist I don't think either one is for me. I'm on strict no contact with guy#2 and has not even responded to his letter. I know deep in my heart if even he comes back to me it won't work because I lost trust and I will have the insecurity of "would he dump me again" and honestly I don't want to go through what I went through for the last 2 months again although I miss our time together - and I know it will be quite a while until I find this kind of spark and emotion I found with him. As for guy #1, he is not giving up. I am positive that he is absolutely regretting what he did and I think I was so distant with him when he was emailing others. This is not to justify his actions. The problem is my heart totally shut toward any romantic love toward him. Thank you for your kind post ThorntonMelon. Link to post Share on other sites
ThorntonMelon Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 You need everything in you shut towards him, Sam. Guy 1 may be a good guy, but I don't think he is a good guy FOR you. Feel free to check in if you need more insight. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Cut all ties with E, that guy is nothing but trouble. And even if you have forgiven him, don't be his doormat. He's just not having any lately so he will jump on any weakness you show. Hence his desperation, he knows the game well, serial cheaters always do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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