We've been off & on since January and I'd like girl's input!

[Onlyafterdark]

My story

So i met this lovely sweet girl 14 years ago she was 17. I had recently come out of a bad relationship, where i had been cheated on numerous times.So this girl was gorgeous but i didnt want to get into anything serious.So basically the first 6 mnths or so i kept strong acted like didnt care showed no love, then one night i came back to her flat she locked me out wouldn't let me in i didnt understand why till she moved away from the door and i walked in,to my surprise she had a guy there fast asleep on the sofa.

 

Her explanation, a friend from her old town had come to see her her female friend was there too so i believed what she told me.Anyway my guard went up further no woman was gonna hurt me again.

 

Time passed on and i grew very fond of her, she then became pregnant which took me by surprise.I wasnt ready for this felt like i was being trapped it made me think,one night i was out with my friends when i got a call to goto hospital she was having a misscariage.

 

On arrival at the hospital, looking back i was so insensitive a real prick tbh.I literally was half cut talked with her a while and left ( i know what your all thinking i know it myself)

 

Part of me was relieved il be honest, it was a lucky escape, time went by and i really grew fond of her i had decided to really spend time with her i began to fall in love she was my soul mate best friend and lover.

 

The years went by and we had her brother live with us who was causing us stress and coming between us at times.We had a son who changed my life over night, gone was the going out i was happy me her my son it was all id wanted, we then also got rid of her brother who had punched her in her stomach enough was enough. I was so glad it was just us after all this time.We did have very minor on and offs between us where i went to my mums as couples do but nothing serious.

Then came bit of a shock for her, her real dad who i think she met a few times had passed on, she got the call while in my car, i asked her not to go and see him lay dead in his flat i knew it would be something that would haunt her for the rest of her life.

 

Anyway she was with her family all day as i remember it she went to her mums i guess i didnt get my head round the fact it was her dad even though there was very little contact.

I acted selfishly wanting her to come home to me and our son, rather than do what she needed to do.But the way i saw it at the time was we ment nothing to her shed rather be with her family(selfish i know) .After that again she decided to split with me spent spent the next few wknds in the pub i had our son i wasnt happy with her.But as usual we sorted it out got back together.

 

We had a good few happy years or so at least ithought we did then we separated i cant remember the details but that night she went out i rang her mum seeing if she was ok.

The next morning i went upto the house very early i knew shed be hung over, so i thought id do her a favour and take our son let her sleep it off, i knocked she came to the window took a while to answer.I went in followed her upstairs started talking getting my son ready, i then noticed my sons door shut, i walked in a guy was in the bed!

I was devastated left in tears, i spoke with my wife about it she admitted to kissing him but didnt want more asked him to stay in our sons room.

So i yet again believed her, but a week later we was getting ready to go out patch stuff up, i was at the bottom of the stairs and heard her say to the sitter what ever you do dont tell him he stayed in my bed.

 

I went out with my wife questioned her on it she still stook to that story till i told her id heard her on the stairs.She then admitted it but said nothing happened, i left we split up.

2 weeks later i was walking past the local pub i saw my wife sat with this guy so i waited outside, when they came out i confronted them. My wife claims i put my hands round her throat but i know this was not the case( i actually knocked her pizza out of her hands) at this stage he kicked and punched me, i was on the ground i couldnt fight back, i had nothing in me after seeing them together id of lay there and let him kick me too death that was how i felt. I pleaded and begged her not to go with him but she did.The next morning she rang me as though nothing had happened even giggling with her mum i had just been through the worst night of my life.

But after a few days we ended up back together.

 

She fell pregnant again i was unsure as the dates was all the possibility she had slept with him and me . But i tried to put it all behind me and move on, occasionally in petty arguments it got brought up i wanted to talk about it she didnt. For the next few years i lost my job my respect my love for my wife times was not good.My wife was friends with a girl who was known locally as a bit of a tramp,i didnt like my wife hanging out with her but i knew if i kept asking where she was etc id push her away with being controlling.

Anyway we got engaged plans afoot to get married my wife was so happy, leading upto the time before we got married my wifes friend came round regular for drinks i made the effort to get to know her proper and try to accept her for my wife.

Conversations after drinks always seemed to lead upto sexual talk, 3 sums where discussed a lot. Anyway we got married and things where good but 2 weeks after marrying me my wife her friend and other friends went out for drinks,everyone was drunk had fun we all went back to our house, the other guys left and my wifes friend asked to stay over.

She went upstairs putting her pjs on etc and i followed within 5 mins as i was tired too. I opened our bedroom door and she was there in our bed, i asked around 3-4 times for her to go.

My wife came up and got into bed (personally i thought now they are stiching me up) i asker her to tell her friend to go but they giggled, i said right im getting in bed making love to my wife so you best go! I got in bed began kissing my wife touching her, then then next thing they are both kissing.I wax shocked got put of bed went to the loo, i stood there for a moment then heard moaning so i instantly went back in the room put the light on, her friend jumped up it was obvious she had been south, i punched the wall and told her to get the hell out of my house.

 

The next day i treated my wife as though she was scum, i asked her to goto bed with me we had rougher sex inside i felt digusted with her but i too felt had i been to blame was it my fault. Time passed and we was ok so i thought, then june last year my wife said she no longer was in love with me but still loved me.

 

I did the usual txting pleading anger bitterness ive read happens to everyone on here, its part of the healing process. We spent 6 months apart in june 2013 it was the hardest time of my life i never looked at anyone kept pushing her by txting i just couldnt let go,felt so low at one point that i came very close to ending my life.

Then right before xmas she opened the gates and we started again she wanted things to go slow which i fully understood, it was great i took a new job the 6 mnths apart made me realise how much i valued her in my life i truely loved this woman.

 

Things as far as i know where good she bought me a new wedding ring we told each other we loved each other i felt close to her again, valentines she wrote in my card she loved me hoped wed have many more together etc, then a few nights later she got a facebook message off her brother one she had only met once or twice in her life.

 

While we was apart her auntied had told me things about her brother not nice stuff, i never once thought he would walk back into her life so when she told me this i said i didnt want to get to know him.She arranged to meet up with him, then one nite she said she was going out for a drink with him i was angry, really thought she was gonna get hurt.

Anyway she seemed to change towards me hardly txting me i cuddled her in bed nothing then one night she wanted to know why i wouldnt get to know her brother.

I explained even said id try for her sake if she did get hurt id be there to pickup the pieces etc. At this point she said no you couldnt offer the support then dont offer it now. A family meeting was called on her side, the truth came out her auntie had exaggerated things about the brother i thought at this point things would now be fine.

 

Everyone left and my wife said she no longer wanted to stay so im not out the door wondering to myself what have i done so bad to warrant this.Since this has happened ive txt everyday had anger moments shown myself up around her friends by this i mean ive said things i regret, telling her friends what shes done to me etc i know why ive done it but cant take it back now, to me its all the anger of being kicked out again i love this woman she is my world our 2 kids too.At present she spends a lot of time with her brother so i dont even think ive a chance of sorting things out.

 

Ive sent stories off here to try to make her see how i feel im devastated i dont know if she understands why ive reacted with anger said nasty things i dont mean any of it at all. Shes now acting like i dont exist its hard to swallow thanks for taking the time to read this any help for a desperate man please

[Onlyafterdark]

First off let me say what a great site this is

 

<link to merged thread redacted>

 

We have since been off on since jan id just like a girls input

If poss as im struggling to understand now shes saying she wants to be friends

And that we cant build any relationship up

Without being friends first. I know everyone on

Here seems to say dont be friends with your ex but

We have 2 kids and have regular contact.

 

Shes confusing me because she still allows me to give

Her a hug then sometimes pushes me off saying please

Dont. Ive said look this hurts me seeing you

And being around you but when i back off she says

She doesnt want me completely out of her life so im stuck

Any help plz ladies ????????

Edited September 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[todreaminblue]

I think you both need marriage counselling.......I don't feel that you will be able to work it out together,going back to friends, i can't see how you can if you are married with two children just skip back to be friends again....

 

 

There has to be a maturity level here, you guys have two children, you have a family together......

 

 

Marriage counselling coupled with family therapy......i think it is a solid option for you to explore.....so that you can either get back together completely or get divorced if you cant work out your issues.

 

Anything else would be avoidant behavior and if marriage counselling doesn't work then at least be courteous to each other and respectful so your children aren't scarred more than they will be if you split....i think marriage counselling would really benefit the both of you and some family therapy as well.......deb

[Onlyafterdark]

I think you both need marriage counselling.......I don't feel that you will be able to work it out together,going back to friends, i can't see how you can if you are married with two children just skip back to be friends again....

 

 

There has to be a maturity level here, you guys have two children, you have a family together......

 

 

Marriage counselling coupled with family therapy......i think it is a solid option for you to explore.....so that you can either get back together completely or get divorced if you cant work out your issues.

 

Anything else would be avoidant behavior and if marriage counselling doesn't work then at least be courteous to each other and respectful so your children aren't scarred more than they will be if you split....i think marriage counselling would really benefit the both of you and some family therapy as well.......deb

 

Thanks Deb, i think your defo right my kids are so confused as is myself.

But actually is i need to miss you??

Ive asked i said am i to stay away completley

out of your life? Heres her reply look ive told you

To stop with all the txting your just pushing me away

Stop asking qusetions. Shes just leaving me in

Limbo all the time. Happy to go out learning to drive with me

Im ok then but not for anything else why cant she

Just put me out of my misery ??

[DKT3]

Come on man, this woman has cheated on you your entire relationship yet you sit around waiting for her to make a decision?

 

You want to fix it? Go to her house grab your balls from her handbag and start living for you kids and yourself with as little thought of her as you can while still co-parenting.

 

She has cheated on you repeatedly because she knows you will do nothing. Time for you to do something.

[Ronni_W]

Shes confusing me because she still allows me to give Her a hug then sometimes pushes me off saying please Dont. Ive said look this hurts me seeing you And being around you but when i back off she says She doesnt want me completely out of her life so im stuck

Any help plz ladies ????????

You'd be better off to think in these terms: "I am keeping myself confused and allowing myself to be kept in limbo" because I refuse to accurately assess and accept that this woman is using me for whatever her own reasons and for her own ends, which are negative, harmful, detrimental to me and, therefore, ultimately my children.

 

You are waiting for HER to put you out of your misery...but...that is your own, personal responsibility and obligation to yourself. Why won't YOU do it for yourself???

 

It is also about showing your children what type of human being you are...someone with self-respect, dignity, strength, honour, high values...or not?

How do you want to be thought of and remembered...including by your children? Do that.

[Onlyafterdark]

So do you guys reckon i grab my balls and say we are done,

No Friends as thats what she keeps saying to build a relashionship up

Ive reapeadly said friends how can i do that when i love u

[lil hoodlum]

Yes, get your balls back, but don't bother saying ANYTHING to her.

 

Just move on.

 

She will figure it out soon enough and most likely come chasing after you or not.

 

 

But as others have said, it's YOUR decision whether or not you allow someone else to treat you like this.

 

 

Please just walk away from this.

 

 

You deserve so much better!

[inpeices]

First off let me say what a great site this is

Heres my story if anyone will take the time to read

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/471927-end-me

 

We have since been off on since jan id just like a girls input

If poss as im struggling to understand now shes saying she wants to be friends

And that we cant build any relationship up

Without being friends first. I know everyone on

Here seems to say dont be friends with your ex but

We have 2 kids and have regular contact.

 

Shes confusing me because she still allows me to give

Her a hug then sometimes pushes me off saying please

Dont. Ive said look this hurts me seeing you

And being around you but when i back off she says

She doesnt want me completely out of her life so im stuck

Any help plz ladies ????????

 

 

You should post in the infidelity forum buddy, you are literally on your knees having the #€#> ripped out of you and need some tough advice... Been there, stop being a doormat and get your balls re-attached! I've read your initial post and you have put up with too much for too long.. I'm surprised you are still emotionally alive

 

See you in infidelity section.. They will help you sort through this mess x

[Maddysmommy]

OMG buddy as a chick I gotta say move on!!

 

First of all you need to have a little self respect and realize nobody who loves you or cares for you would ever treat you even half this bad!!!

 

Secondly she does it because she knows you'll do absolutely nothing about it and she can get away with whatever she wants!!

 

Thirdly think about your kids and what example your setting for them? If you have a son would you want him to put up with this crap??

 

Walk away from her, get your own counselling and move on because I'm telling you life is too short to be unhappy one second longer then you have to be!!!

 

How can walking away be any harder then staying?? IMO

[AquanoxSerp]

First, you deserve so much better.

 

Second, leave leave leave. Please do not DO NOT stay in this abusive relationship even for the children because trust me, it affects the children in a very negative way when you are both miserable! I know how much you feel she is a soulmate but coming from a woman who tries to see all sides of the story she's a no good, two faced cheater and you need a woman who is every bit as faithful and loving as yourself. Please let yourself find someone like that as you would make a kind and loyal woman VERY happy!

 

Third, please take care of yourself right now as well as your children. Yes you have a family but contrary to what people say here children are affected even if the two adult stay together as they can sense a lack of love.

[Onlyafterdark]

For Downtown

 

Hey buddy just updating it for u ive come to my conclusions she has borderline personality

Those links you provided defo are her, basically she was sexually abused at a young age had a miserable upbringing her mum has been married 5 times the blokes always came first so it makes sense how shes turned out. In the last 3 weeks shes bedded 2 men and took pleasure in me knowing too shes currently hurting me with the kids now playing games tonight for example i facetime them everynite shes not answered the phone then late on a txt to say kids sleeping out ! Ive had them since monday shes left one at one address other somewhere else im fuming but in work going finding my rights out monday !

 

The things she does are just pure cruel like she revels in it how can someone who uve been so decent with never mistreated her be so dam right cruel ! Downtown she was so in the idealisation faze i guess for first few years i did think she was my soulmate now i feellike this is the devalue stage

[Downtown]

She has borderline personality.

Perhaps so. I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional view of what you and your kids are dealing with. If your W really does have strong BPD traits as you suspect, it would be extremely difficult to persuade her to go to a psychologist. Even if you could and the psych diagnosed her as BPD, it is unlikely he would tell her -- much less you -- the name of her disorder.

 

Therapists routinely withhold this information from their clients (and their spouses) because revealing it almost certainly means the client would immediately terminate therapy and that the insurance company would not cover treatments. Hence, in the unlikely event she seeks therapy, it would not be wise to rely on her therapist for information. Instead, you should consult with your own therapist, who is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not hers.

 

She was sexually abused at a young age had a miserable upbringing her mum has been married 5 times the blokes always came first so it makes sense how shes turned out.

Likewise, my BPDer exW was sexually abused for many years during childhood. There is a very strong association between sexual abuse and developing BPD. Some small studies report that at least 40% of BPDers say they had been

sexually abused during childhood. See Child Abuse and BPD. Those small studies, however, typically are not very reliable as indicators for the larger population. In a much larger study (of nearly 35,000 American adults), about 70% of the BPDers reported they had been abused or abandoned in childhood. See 2008 Study in JCP.

 

In the last 3 weeks shes bedded 2 men and took pleasure in me knowing.

The primary defining trait of BPDers is not sexual promiscuity but, rather, the inability to regulate their own emotions. Hence, most BPDers are not sexually promiscuous. Yet, because BPDers lack impulse control and have difficulty tolerating intimacy for very long, BPD greatly raises the risk for being sexually promiscuous. The result is that the portion of BPDers who are promiscuous is far greater than is true of the general population. One study claims that 25% are. See BPDer Promiscuity 25%.

 

Downtown she was so in the idealization faze i guess for first few years i did think she was my soul mate now i feel like this is the devalue stage.

If she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), the devaluation of you would have started as soon as her infatuation began evaporating -- typically about 4 to 6 months into the relationship (or longer if your R/S was long distance). Then, as each year passes, a BPDer usually grows increasingly resentful of your inability to make her happy. At the same time, a BPDer becomes increasingly fearful of abandonment as she sees her body aging and sees you erecting stronger personal boundaries to protect yourself from her occasional rages.

[Onlyafterdark]

That makes sense downtown i think iam mentally drained from her, its like shes sucked all my life away and thats still not enough now has to tell me that the new guy after only 2 weeks of seeing him is brilliant etc i tried saying how can you judge that in such a short space of time she was talking as tho this is now the one

[Downtown]

She now has to tell me that the new guy after only 2 weeks of seeing him is brilliant etc i tried saying how can you judge that in such a short space of time she was talking as tho this is now the one

If she is a BPDer as you suspect, he has about 4 to 6 months to be "the One" and "the soul mate." As soon as her infatuation evaporates, she will start blaming every misfortune on him -- the same way she did to you.

[GirlStillStrong]

That makes sense downtown i think iam mentally drained from her, its like shes sucked all my life away and thats still not enough now has to tell me that the new guy after only 2 weeks of seeing him is brilliant etc i tried saying how can you judge that in such a short space of time she was talking as tho this is now the one

 

Sorry I'm not Downtown but I need to ask, is all this toxic dysfunction adding to your life at all? Or sucking the life out of you? Because it would completely **** up my life. You need to stop having these conversations with her. It is perfectly fine to clam up, yourself, and when she starts shootin' the breeze with you, cut her off and tell her, "I am not interested in hearing about your personal life, I will only address the children and their needs with you." You need to start setting your personal boundaries with her.

[Onlyafterdark]

She was still sucking my life away till i decided i was gonna be intimate with a girl i knew, now im looking back more feeling happier and realising maybe

This wasnt me, it was just how she was.

I tried and tried ti make this girl happy, no matter what i ever would of done

I think the trust had gone. Her cheating and fooling around with guys once we split was just how she was. Does everyone feel im wrong in saying this but

Right nowi hope karma comes back around and she has a horrible few years ahead for what shes done to me.

 

I think im going to be menatlly scarred for a long time, i find it so hard to understand why somebody who claims to love you can treat you in such a vile way

[spanz1]

Come on man, this woman has cheated on you your entire relationship yet you sit around waiting for her to make a decision?

.

 

 

 

your story is hard to follow. but she does seem to enjoy sex with multiple partners including lesbian sex. It was especially interesting when her BF kicked your azz and she spent the night screwing him.

 

 

I am not sure what you are on here asking for. she is not marriage material. she is a sexy, kinky, manipulative woman. You seem drawn to her like a moth is to a candle flame.

 

 

If you stay I think her dominance and your submission dictate you will be having sex on HER terms. You will get some sex sometimes, you will see other partners over your house, both men and women. Sometimes they may invite you to join in. you will never have a normal marriage with her.

 

 

If this is the type of lifestyle you like, then submit to her and go on with your "marriage". Most men would instead run for the hills. I'm thinking you made the right choice in finding a new GF.

 

 

Did you divorce the wife?

[petee]

Mate, you need to get shot of her and go into recuperation. She is vile and will waste what should be your good years.

You don't need to be told this, you know. As addictive as she is, she will give you a disease and string you along until you are of no worth to her. She has had her chance, bur unless you want to be a doormat MOVE ON.

You are a Brit, and I think you get the tone and language here, as we prefer to be told hard truths.

PM me if nec, but let's get away from her for Xmas, and then after Xmas give it some thought on how to totally cut the ties and get a new life.

[Onlyafterdark]

You guys are all right, i came to realise this lady was no good also she has traits of borderline PD . Only 4 mnths ago she told me she loved me, i guess till something else came along, foolishly i was taken in.

 

To update you all i have met someone now and my life with her even tho 14 years is slowly being wiped away, i will divorce her when its finally free to do so.

She does not contact me anymore the new guy even though its only 4 weeks is the best thing in her eyes, i hope it fails badly i sound harsh here but for what shes put me through i hope she has a miserble life ahead for a while. I posted in

The family thread as shes introduced him to my kids after only a week , in my eyes way to soon. But i guess thats her and the borderline her life before anybody elses she does not think of our kids.

 

Id just like to say tho, that LS and the advice ive recieved here is first class its nice to know ppl out there are still decent and i thank you all god bless have a great xmas

[Downtown]

OAD, thanks for returning to give us an update. I'm glad to hear that you are feeling much better about yourself and your separation from your Ex. I wish you a great Christmas too!