Possibility of a second chance w/ ex gf?

[Five]

Hello all,

 

I will attempt to keep this as brief and straight forward as possible.

 

Background:

My current ex gf and I met when she was hired on at one of my old employers, it was an instant interest in her. Eventually we started talking, hanging out, and I came on way to hard and fast. The falling out was nuclear, I move onto another employer, don't talk to her all summer.

Employer cuts back, get laid off and rather than seeking out another decent job I return to my old one and wait for a chance to make amends with her. It happens, this time around though she can see I am genuine and our feelings grow and eventually we 'officially date'.

 

Fast forward:

May 2013, best friend takes his life. Rather than confiding in her, I withdraw from her and the rest of the world essentially.

At this point we have been living together for over a year, been dating for three years, her daughter calls me daddy and all.

Dec 2013, she breaks up with me because she received little anything from me over the last six months.

 

We both have rebounds, I move out in Feb 2014 after her rebound assaults me in my own apt. I initiate no contact at that point. May rolls around, my rebound has ended and hers is up and down. She breaks no contact, I get pissed and chew her out over it wanting to be left alone. It turns to a heart to heart, the first one since the breakup.

 

I told her I had planned to propose to her in May, which I had, at a place that was special to us. She had told me she would have married me. I apologized for everything, how I treated her, why I acted the way I had, ect. We have another month of no contact.

 

June rolls around, we start to talk. Once a week turns to twice a week, now to several times a week and seeing eachother usually a couple times a week. She initiates half of the time, and I the other half.

 

She brings her daughter around me, we get sushi sometimes or do other things.

 

She always stands close to me, keeping me easily in grabbing distance. Her hand always brushes up against mine when we walk close, and she acts like its no big deal. We always laugh, share stories, just like old times. She plays with her hair and watches me too, I see out of the corner of my eye. She fixes my hair, even wiped the sweat off my face last week when it was super hot... Just like she used to.

 

A few days ago we took a day trip up north to Olympia, WA.

 

At one point she mentions that she wants to go out and meet new people because all of her friends aside from me and her best friend that she lives with are unreliable and stand her up all the time.

 

I made mention about going out and having a drink. She responded with "That would be awkward because you are an ex and will be forever." but her tone was not that serious, she sounded half conflicted to be honest. I know what serious sounds like from her, we have over four years together afterall.

 

But right after she immediately started asking me repeatedly if she had hurt my feelings and kept apologizing. I played off her words, pretending they didn't phase me. Its the first time she got defensive like that since we started talking again. Interesting thing is she is willing to drink with me at her place. Neither of us is fond of bars though in general.

 

While driving she kept staring at my hand, and glancing over at me. Essentially giving me way more attention than a typical passenger. When we got up north her hand continued to brush against mine while walking, she always kept me close, and was borderline flirty.

 

We stopped for food on the way back down, she ended up wiping food from my face? Well a few crumbs I had missed.

 

Me "I want to go to Mount St. Helens sometime before Fall, its been years."

Her "Me too!"

 

I get alot of that type of response too whenever I mention wanting to go somewhere out of town to get away, even for just a few hours.

 

She has invited me over to her place a few times, comes to me for advice and help on general things in life. She enjoys the fact that I will really only help her and not anybody else.

 

She mentions how much she misses my family, asks what they think about her and is kind of comfortable with physical contact. Her hugs keep getting bigger, and she looks like she is going to kiss me everytime we say goodbye lately.

 

I have a friend who has been watching the entire thing unfold, she has called everything to the T. She believes there will be a kiss in the next couple of months.

 

While her words concerned me, I don't think I should feel that she was entirely serious but more so a little defensive? I feel that the feelings and interest is there, but clearly she is concerned about walking another fiasco.

 

I walk this line slowly and carefully, not rushing anything with her. I love this woman, I love her daughter, I went from being one of those hardcore band and gig guys to wanting to slow and settle down and for someone like me that takes someone special. Being away from her gave me time to work on myself and my inner demons. She can see I have changed, she has admitted it openly several times.

 

Looking for honest opinions and thoughts, any are appreciated. I can answer any additional questions.

 

I hope I am on the right path here, building up a friendship and seeing if that old flame can rekindle into a fire again.

 

Thanks in advance!

[54JA]

First, I am so sorry about your best friend. I am assuming that (correct me if I am wrong), your friend's passing was your first experience with the loss of someone significant in your life?

 

I think you have a pretty good chance at making this work the second time around. I say this because, from what I read, the cause of the break up (I am assuming again. Correct me if I'm wrong) had a lot to do with your grief over your friend's passing. I am assuming that things became difficult between you two because you were dealing with the loss of your friend, and NOT because of anything you did/she did. This was an extreme situation, and difficulty is certainly understandable. Your original break up was different from the typical break up in that difficulties were caused by your responses to something traumatic and unique. It didn't have anything to do with the typical causes of break up (e.g., recurring trust issues, differences in values, etc).

 

As long as all the old issues have been adequately addressed and you two are honest and open about feelings, I think it could work. I think your girl understands that you were having a temporary melt down. As long as you are open to her and let her into your inner struggles, I think you have a good chance. She obviously likes you a lot. Good luck!

[ThorntonMelon]

I kind of see it the opposite, but there's a lot I don't know.

 

I don't care if she brushes your face and hugs you - the real question is whether she wants to be the love of your life. Obviously she likes your attention.

 

You burned her before - you've got your explanation for doing so, but I will tell you I wouldn't tolerate a partner completely withdrawing for months and months even after significant trauma. While you've taken responsibility, there's no guarantee she's forgiving and forgetting. In fact her daughter being with you to me is a bad sign - she may well have you firmly in the friend zone.

 

Anyways, I'd have the talk. And put it on the line that you want to pursue a relationship and that right now you're confused what you guys are and you'd like it to be more.

 

But I'd be very prepared for her to friendzone you, because I'm not hearing anything that leads me in the other direction. I hope I'm very wrong.

[Five]

First, I am so sorry about your best friend. I am assuming that (correct me if I am wrong), your friend's passing was your first experience with the loss of someone significant in your life?

 

I think you have a pretty good chance at making this work the second time around. I say this because, from what I read, the cause of the break up (I am assuming again. Correct me if I'm wrong) had a lot to do with your grief over your friend's passing. I am assuming that things became difficult between you two because you were dealing with the loss of your friend, and NOT because of anything you did/she did. This was an extreme situation, and difficulty is certainly understandable. Your original break up was different from the typical break up in that difficulties were caused by your responses to something traumatic and unique. It didn't have anything to do with the typical causes of break up (e.g., recurring trust issues, differences in values, etc).

 

As long as all the old issues have been adequately addressed and you two are honest and open about feelings, I think it could work. I think your girl understands that you were having a temporary melt down. As long as you are open to her and let her into your inner struggles, I think you have a good chance. She obviously likes you a lot. Good luck!

 

I have experienced a great deal of death in my life, and I am only in my mid 20's currently. I have been well traveled, met alot, lost alot to put it simply. I don't keep many people close to me, my kindness being mistaken for weakness has gotten me to that point. Not to mention my line of work keeps me a bit more private as well. But he was one of the few people that I could still see in my life 40 years down the road. What is worse about it is I watch for signs and warnings, I have lost a handful of friends to suicide. He gave no warning, i think thats something that really hit me hard.

 

I keep the flirting light, I compliment her though. She always has to look nice when she meets with me so sometimes I may wait a few minutes for her to arrive or be ready to pick up but I don't mind, she always looks great to me and the company is always enjoyed.

[Five]

I kind of see it the opposite, but there's a lot I don't know.

 

I don't care if she brushes your face and hugs you - the real question is whether she wants to be the love of your life. Obviously she likes your attention.

 

You burned her before - you've got your explanation for doing so, but I will tell you I wouldn't tolerate a partner completely withdrawing for months and months even after significant trauma. While you've taken responsibility, there's no guarantee she's forgiving and forgetting. In fact her daughter being with you to me is a bad sign - she may well have you firmly in the friend zone.

 

Anyways, I'd have the talk. And put it on the line that you want to pursue a relationship and that right now you're confused what you guys are and you'd like it to be more.

 

But I'd be very prepared for her to friendzone you, because I'm not hearing anything that leads me in the other direction. I hope I'm very wrong.

 

When I chased her off the first time, when I initially came on way to hard and fast for her, she was like this before we got together 'officially'.

 

We have been building a friendship, like before. She is warming up to me, like before. She is getting comfortable, opening up, just like before.

 

I walk this path carefully and without urgency, she clearly wants me around but doesn't need me yet, just like before.

 

I burned her in a way, but I took responsibility for it and I have taken 9 months of time to work on myself. She doesn't just call anyone out of the blue to have them meet for sushi or just to hang out, rare she calls anyone for anything. Typically its text.

 

But anyways I can understand your point of view, I don't want to call her out right now though because I don't want to force her hand. Last time the building took time, we started with a friendship and it developed from there because we both hard our guard up not wanting to get hurt.

 

Same applies here, she is careful as am I. Time will tell where this goes.