next door neighbors and now ex's

[hschutt]

My ex and I were 2 months shy of our 5 year anniversary when we broke up 3 weeks ago. We met my senior year of high school. I'm 22, he is turning 21 in 2 weeks. His senior year of high school he moved in with my parents (his have never truly acted like parents) and they have essentially raised him since then. About a year ago he moved in with a new roommate who grew up wealthy and entitled. He also happens to be a huge pot head. As soon as they moved in together, my boyfriend essentially started ignoring me. We stopped going out and doing things together. If we did go places, his roommate would always have to come too. It was like I was the 3rd wheel to their friendship. My ex and I always had plans to move in together his senior year of college and my super senior year (I switched majors late and new I would have to go an extra year) and that year just happens to be starting now. Well, when time came to sign the lease, he backed out and said he wanted to this with his current roommate instead. His explanation was, "I can live with you for the rest of my life, but I only have one more year with him." So I gave in and said it was fine.

 

 

This past summer we both had internships in different states so we've been doing long distance. We could only see each other twice the whole summer and it was really tough being apart. One of the times I got to see him, his roommate was there as well and it turned into a weekend of them smoking and playing video games. He and I even went out to a really nice restaurant for dinner one night, but of course his roommate came with us. Because of this, I became upset with him and left a couple of hours early because I was tired of being ignored. From there we wouldn't see each other again for a month and we fought about how he ignored me the last time we were together.

 

 

3 weeks ago when we were able to see each other again he spent all his time with the roommate and made me the 3rd wheel. I didn't fight with him about it this time. However, I did learn that he had been lying to me about some things he had done at his internship and was hanging out alone with some girls he worked with. He said they were just friends, so I asked him why he would lie if that was true and that if he'd just be honest in the first place then there wouldn't be any reason for me to question him. The next day he says "I don't know if we should be together" . He kept going on and on saying he didn't know if he wanted to break up because he didn't want to make the wrong decision but that he loves me but doesn't think he's in love with me... So we broke up and I was devastated.

 

 

Our relationship was great until he moved in with this roommate. I can't help but think that he'd go back to being the great guy I know if the roommate would go away. I go back to school tomorrow and the ex and I are literally next door neighbors. I have to give him a bunch of his things he's had at my house and his cat (which I've been keeping for him this summer). He hasn't tried to contact me in the past 3 weeks but has responded when I've texted him. (it wasn't ever an I miss your or anything like that, just me telling him to change his address and such from my parents house).

 

 

The problem is, I can't stop thinking about him. I honestly thought that things would be find when we got back to school and weren't doing long distance anymore. We only had a week left of being apart when he broke up with me. I asked him to just give me a week to prove to him that things would be great and he said that he thought we had too much history and make it work.

 

 

Am I wrong for wanting him to come back to me? Is it even possible to make him want to be with me again?

[hschutt]

I met my ex my senior year of high school, it was his junior year. We were together a couple of months short of 5 years. He broke up with me 3 weeks ago. Our relationship was great until he moved in with his current roommate last august (2013). Ever since then those two have been inseparable, which isn't an issue for me except when it interfered with our relationship. We essentially became 3 best friends. I was almost always with them. My ex and I rarely did anything without his roommate, we'd even go out to our date night dinners with him tagging along (on the rare occasion that we did go out). I started to get upset with him that he would never come to my apartment and that I always had to go to his. To be honest, I hated being at my apartment because my roommates last year drove me nuts, but I wanted time alone with him, too. I'd also get upset because we couldn't do anything without his roommate. He agreed that I was right and that we needed to spend more time alone together, but we never would.

 

 

So, this summer we both had internships in different states and could see each other a total of 3 times. The first time I went to him and we had an amazing weekend together. It truly was perfect. I wish I could have stayed longer! The next 2 times we saw each other was at our school apartment and his roommate was there. Those two spent the entire weekend playing video games and watching the movies and tv shows his roommate wanted to watch while I sat there bored. I was very upset with him and we started to fight about it. For the next month, we fought a lot and it was awful. It didn't help that we were doing long distance and we worked opposite schedules so we didn't get to talk very often as well. The 3rd time we saw each other (which was the 2nd time with his roommate) we got in an argument because he lied to me about some little things. They were honestly stupid things that wouldn't have made me mad to begin with. He's always lied about stupid little things that aren't things to lie about. It's weird. Anyways, after the fight was over he said he was tired of fighting and that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me anymore. He said he didn't want to make the wrong decision because he loves me but he doesn't think we could get past all of the bad history. So we broke up. He told me a week later that he didn't realize how bad our relationship was until we broke up and it crushed me. I really didn't feel like our relationship was bad at all. Sure, the last year hasn't been great but he made it sound awful. So now it's been 3 weeks and school starts in a week. He will be coming back from his internship soon. Oh and we're literally next door neighbors. I don't have the option of not seeing him. I have a bunch of things to give back to him and I have been keeping his cat for him this summer.

 

 

I miss him and want him back. Is it even possible? Is it too soon to be really sure? I feel like I'd have to do no contact to make him love me again but I have to see him to give him his stuff and his cat and then I will probably bump into him when i'm coming and going from my place.

 

 

I'm also worried about the roommate. When we were breaking up, he told me it was his roommate who put the idea in his head to begin with. The roommate has also said that breaking up and getting back together is stupid because if it didn't work the first time then there is no way it would work the second time. I just don't feel like we could ever get back together if he has this negative influence....

[Lovemesomehim]

Such a Heartbreaking situation but one to learn from.

 

Your ex began distancing himself from you long before the relationship was over. His roommate became his priority, maybe even his escape from his relationship with you. Of course you were focused on improving the relationship by expressing your desire to be alone with your bf. But when you really think about it, your bf had every opportunity to stop the third wheel from being present on dates or any other time. Your ex made a conscious decision to allow it to continue because he did not want to be alone with you. He was already planning the break up but waiting for the opportune time to do it. The roommate was just a deflector for him.

 

Here is where more learning comes in...when back in school, speak to him at opportune times but go on with your life. Deal with the break up and take your time to mourn the loss but don't stay stuck too long.

[hschutt]

I understand what you are saying but I am having a terrible time moving on. All I can think about is the first time we're going to see each other. He's lived with my and my parents since he was in high school and I initially told him he could still come there on school breaks and keep my home as his mailing address but I don't want that anymore. So now I have to tell him that I don't want him there. I also have some of my things I want back. I feel so stupid

[hschutt]

My ex of a month and I are next door neighbors for the next year. We were together for 5 years and I miss him like crazy. We've been in no contact for about 2 weeks but the contact we had before that was minimal (mainly us talking about his cat, which I've been keeping for him). His life is kind of going down the toilet. He's gotten into some bad recreational habits and is about to fail out of school. I want to be there for him but he doesn't seem to want my help. I figured he wants to do this on his own since he's so used to me fixing his problems for him.....

 

 

What do I do when I see him? I know I will since we're neighbors.

[Polak]

No reason to feel stupid. The guy is pretty immature and doesn't deserve you... he seems to be taking this time to have fun with his roommate and get high. Later he may come to regret these decisions, but for the time being, eliminate him from your life as much as possible. I know it sounds harsh, but re-read your posts again and notice just how many times he made no effort to spend more time with you and improve your relationship. That fact alone should drive your desire to get away from him.

 

Since you guys will be neighbors, there's no reason to be a jerk, so ignorance is not advised. BUT, keep things short and don't entertain small talk. Simple greetings and responses will suffice. Let him get the hint that you aren't gonna be at his disposal for entertainment. After all, you have better things to do than to waste time with someone who isn't interested in furthering a relationship with you... that's what this is all about!

 

One thing I disagree with as posted above is to "take your time to mourn the loss but don't stay stuck too long." I understand that he was a different person when you first met him, but ultimately why would you want to mourn your loss from the person he has become? Find things to keep you busy, work and school are probably part of your daily life, but clubs, social events, outings with friends, hobbies, etc. should allow you to take your mind off him easier. It's not wrong to still want him, as I'm sure you're hanging on to the memories of who he used to be, but if he isn't willing to change you have to be willing to move on.