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i don't know what to feel...


clueless.girl

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clueless.girl

Hello Everyone! :)

 

I'm typing this as I am sitting here puzzled what would be the right thing to do - right for me and everyone else, this is the hard part... Trying to be short but cover all reliable things.

 

(Sorry about the mistakes I'm making, English isn't my first language :) )

 

I start at the beginning. I'm a 21 year old girl. I had a really big crush on one of my classmates back in high school. I didn't think that he liked me really, so i don't bother to try forming a relationship with him, but we became not-so-close friends (and I had a couple of boyfriends during high school).

 

At the beginning of the last year turned out that he had a crush on me, too, for all these times. He just acted the same way like me (yes, we were silly, aren't we?), because he thought I wouldn't be interested in him. Back to the point, finally we get together. It was a really happy relationship, we get to know each other really well, and we finished our last year. Then we started college together. I went to Medical school and he choose a field close to it. After one year we moved in together to a small apartman.

 

The pressure from school was really big for both of us, but we were there for each other and everything was good, I was very happy. Then we started to fight. We shouldn't have moving in together at the first place. We couldn't go out of the others way. For example, he liked to go to bed early but I preferred studying late at night and we had just one room. Things like that caused fights. First year of college passed. At summer I had an infection which I had for a couple of months so I wasn't in the mood for sex that time. He thought (as I later found out...) expressing his love to me the best way is making love to me. So I felt he would have sex with me all the time, when I didn't want it really, and that hurt me - I could tell him the whole thing, but i was too embarassed (it was the stupidest thing i could do, i know now).

 

Summer was over. My grandpa got seriously ill from one moment to another. He was added to hospital for surgeries and radio- and chemotherapy. I lived in the big city where his hospital and my university was, but my family was back home at a little town. So i was the only one, who could see him every day, making him feel better. I did my best to cheer him up, to hold him optimistic. But as a medical student i knew that there was no hope. It went on like this for two months. This situation destroyed me on the inside, i was feeling that i can't do nothing, but i must remain optimistic on the outside, while i was crying in pain when i was alone, as i left his room at the hospital. It was a really hard time for me. But I'm a quite good actress, so no one could find out what i really went trough. When my grandpa died, i just wanted to back off from my life, to start a new one.

 

I was acting like nothing mattered to me. I cheated on my love, but he doesn't know it. I burried in work and studying. I wanted to leave all these behind, and we broke up in the end, because I didn't feel the strength to fight for him, or fight for anything else (I failed some of my exams, too, in that semester).

 

It was in November, 2013. Since then I got a new boyfriend. This new guy was waiting for the moment, when we break up, and convinced me about his love a month later. I gave a chance him, because I wanted to change everything around me, what reminded me of those two months. It was the next huge mistake I made. He seems really loving me, but I am not in love with him. I tried really hard this time, to say everything out to each other, to care for each other, to love him very much - but I can't. Since I had arrenged my feelings and thougths a little, I feel that I'm with the wrong guy, that I should be go back and try again and again and again with my initial significant other. But I don't know if i'm crazy to think these or there is ratio in them.

 

So here is my question:

Should I break up, and go back trying to arrange things?

Or

Should I break up, stay away from both of them and continue living my life?

Or

Should I stay with the current guy and try making things (and feelings) work out well?

Or other options, I didn't thought of yet?

 

 

I know it's long enough, so thank you, if you read my whole story :)

I would be very glad if you leave any kind of comment, advice, scold or anything else.

 

Thank you :)

clueless.girl

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Dear clueless.girl

 

I would recommend that you go with the second option of breaking up with your current boyfriend whom you don't really love and for you take some time off for yourself to get your life back on track. It is obvious that you have too many distractions in your life at the moment and that it's taking it's toll on your mental health. Relationships take effort as well as studying and you don't have to juggle both if your head is not in the right space. You did extremely well to spend time with your terminally ill grandfather. Pat yourself on the back for that. Focus on passing those failed exams and get yourself back to a level whereby you start to feel good about yourself and the people around you. Once you have done that things will fall into place in there own good time.

 

All the best - Bud.

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clueless.girl

Dear Bud,

 

Thank you for reading my whole story and answering it a way that none of my friends and relatives could.

 

Thank you very much!

Not So Clueless Girl Anymore :)

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