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Ex wants me back but in another relationship


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This is my first post here and I will just jump straight into the issue.

 

Me and my partner have one child together and had been together for 10 years before separating. I am the one who left him following a domestic violence incident not towards me but angry breaking up stuff and suicidal threats. I went into a women's shelter for a few months before coming back home. I was supported and managed to set firm boundaries. He begged and wanted us to work things out but was not ready. He did go into therapy but was not convinced he had changed. I kept hoping things will change and that I would also get a job to reduce the financial problems leading to the separation but almost 2 years now nothing has materialized although I have been to a lot of interviews. I am looking to go back to retrain in college.

 

As we were separated ex sibling was diagnosed with a life threatening illness and he and his sister became the caregivers. During this time finances were tight and he missed on child maintanance, and ended up arranging it formally.

 

Fast forward sibling passed away and on the funeral was a new girlfriend. No mention but realized that he had a new girlfriend on a condolence page which I had helped to set up.

 

He managed to go under cover with brothers in law and he realized that I had possibly been dissapointed knowing that he was noew dating someone. He then immediately dumped the new girlfriend and started to ignore her in front of me and family at the memorial. The girlfriend is a sister of his old friend whom he grew up with. He has since become too involved with my family although one of my brother in law kept in contact with him since separating and knew about this relationship.

 

I still want him back but he seems to have a lot of baggage. For me I have spend the past months we have been separated on self improvement, being depressed at first and picking up the pieces. My child was also hugely affected by the first break up but now happy with a few challenges here and there.

 

Right now its all too much and I just dont know what to do. Will going no contact help? Any advise?

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I'm not sure why you would want to revisit someone that has the potential to harm you and your child. And a man that discards a person so coldly (girlfriend), someone that is a sister of his close friend.

 

I say keep moving forward, working on yourself and providing your child with stability. It sounds like you child is starting to cope better. I would put your child's progress as your number one priority and give it more time and space between you and your ex.

 

Change takes a long time to happen, with effort and commitment, but even then it is never a guarantee. A few months isn't enough time for you to contemplate going back to someone with rage and suicidal issues.

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Its a sister in law of his close friend. Yes she was given a cold shoulder and he chose to focus on my family instead. The girlfriends family was also there helping but he chose to give them a cold shoulder in my presence. He even hugged me and kissed me in front of my family although I did not reciprocate.

 

He has never let got off me and still keeps in touch with my family, so he knows whats going on in my life. Also he has kept in touch with my brother in law whom he seems to have introduced to the new girlfriend. She also seems to even know my nieces.

 

He is in touch with all my family now including my mum but I am still sticking with NC.

 

I am scared if I will ever found love again. I also miss the family life and think that I may be an emotional wreck without him in my life. I also think my daughter will be more happier with us both.

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I am scared if I will ever found love again. I also miss the family life and think that I may be an emotional wreck without him in my life. I also think my daughter will be more happier with us both.

 

It's normal to wonder if you will ever find love again. Everyone feels that way after an ending but it's unrealistic to limit yourself to thoughts like that. I felt that way after my divorce but in the end, the emotional freedom I felt after healing and detaching was well worth it. So, you may not find love for awhile but removing yourself from a toxic situation and getting to the other side is valuable.

 

In the 10 years you have been with him, was this his first episode of violence? What's his temperament been in your relationship with him?

 

I grew up with a father that was abusive and had a hot temper. Trust, that as a child, I never felt safe with my father. I can't imagine any child seeing her father smashing things feels happiness. I can't imagine any child, and as she grows and starts understanding her father's mental health issues, find happiness in dealing with his high highs and low lows.

 

A child is much happier with parents that are happily separated than parents that are miserable together.

 

You don't have to get back with him right away. Keep NC, and make sure that he is consistently going to therapy and you do so as well. Give yourself as much time as you can so that you can make a decision that isn't emotionally driven. He really needs to put in time with his therapy and show you that he wants to change because he wants it for himself, not because he wants to get you back. And don't ever go back to someone because you're afraid of what the future may hold for you. It's never a good excuse.

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Simon Phoenix

A child is much happier with parents that are happily separated than parents that are miserable together.

 

Quoting this for accuracy. People who stay together in unhappy relationships "for the child" are doing a lot more damage to that child than if they separated.

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Yes you are right. It was not for the first time. It happened a few times.

 

He seems to have been enjoying himself whilst having that security that I was still there for him and he kept hanging around my family.

 

He wasn't paying in child maintenance as well and I had to arrange it formally.

 

I am now adamant that NC is what I need now as I need to reflect and move on.

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I am now adamant that NC is what I need now as I need to reflect and move on.

 

Good for you, OP. I'm glad you are doing this for you and your child. Please stay strong and if you ever feel like you are faltering, think of your child and push forward.

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