I ended NC. [Update]

[HD93]

I feel as if I know what my plan is. I'm not ready to try and rekindle anything with my ex yet, as I'm still dealing with my issues (self-esteem, confidence, stutter) but I've definitely made a massive improvement.

 

Her reasons for ending with me did seem to revolve around the fact that I couldn't really express myself fully since the issues above were affecting me.

 

A few reasons were:

 

Treating her as a superior.

Not making any decisions regarding dates.

She wasn't happy anymore.

 

In addition, I couldn't "get it up" because I felt very insecure. So despite the fact she didn't mention this, I know it's a factor.

 

It was my first relationship, and when she first asked me out I said no because I wasn't ready. I panicked a week or so later, and just jumped into it and hoped that my self-esteem and confidence issues would go away.

 

We were together for 5 months and we didn't argue once until a couple of weeks before the break up which was largely down to a misunderstanding regarding a text I sent her. It didn't quite feel as if she completely forgave me from that.

 

Now, I went no contact for a month, then after a brief chat on facebook regarding something to do with an email, I went no contact for 2 weeks to which she didn't reply to a funny link I sent her, and then we've been no contact again for 2 weeks again now and counting.

 

I know what I'm doing, and I'm using this no contact to improve myself FOR MYSELF, and not for her.

But I have one question.

 

Should I tell her that I'm dealing with some issues she had no idea about: going to counselling, speech therapy, meditation when I see her in 2 weeks? I head off for a month for a placement up North after that, but then I'm working with her on placement for a month.

 

So yeah, should I wait until we're working together and then just tell her what was wrong with me, how I've dealt with them? Or should I just let her know, and then vanish for a month?

 

I've not expected her to contact me during this no-contact because she's obviously oblivious to the fact that I've acknowledged my issues and actually working on them.

 

Advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Ronni_W]

Should I tell her that I'm dealing with some issues she had no idea about: going to counselling, speech therapy, meditation when I see her in 2 weeks?

I wouldn't bother to bring up issues that she doesn't know about in the first place, but you can mention generally what's going on in your life as part of a normal, general conversation: "I finally got to keep my mind relatively free of thoughts for about 10 seconds during my last meditation class...that was really exciting for me", or "my therapist suggested that I read <this book/that site> and I'm finding it really interesting".

 

It has to be in proper context, not just like you're randomly throwing in these "fun facts" about yourself.

If she pursues that line of conversation, then you'll be able to elaborate.

 

Congrats on all the work you're doing for your self-development/personal growth. Hopefully you'll be able to continue it when you're away for the month...and she'll naturally notice the positive changes when you get back and are working with her on the placement.

[HD93]

I wouldn't bother to bring up issues that she doesn't know about in the first place, but you can mention generally what's going on in your life as part of a normal, general conversation: "I finally got to keep my mind relatively free of thoughts for about 10 seconds during my last meditation class...that was really exciting for me", or "my therapist suggested that I read <this book/that site> and I'm finding it really interesting".

 

It has to be in proper context, not just like you're randomly throwing in these "fun facts" about yourself.

If she pursues that line of conversation, then you'll be able to elaborate.

 

Congrats on all the work you're doing for your self-development/personal growth. Hopefully you'll be able to continue it when you're away for the month...and she'll naturally notice the positive changes when you get back and are working with her on the placement.

 

That's a good point. Thanks for that. Coincidentally, my therapist has indeed recommended some books for me, and since she is also going to counselling for issues herself, it would make sense for me to bring it up.

 

But yeah, it really has been a good Summer for me. I feel as if I've wasted the golden years of my life (15 years of age to 21 years of age) just hiding behind my shy shell.

 

Despite being quite a popular guy, I think people underestimate me simply because I'm shy. But she didn't. I just wish I was this confident during the relationship. I guess I just needed the break up to give me the kick up the back side.

 

I'm also in the best shape I've been in years, and my 6 pack is starting to emerge again this Summer since probably when I was 13

 

Life is good right now, and it can only be improved if she'll eventually give me a chance to prove myself.

 

Thanks again.

[Ronni_W]

Coincidentally, my therapist has indeed recommended some books for me, and since she is also going to counselling for issues herself, it would make sense for me to bring it up.

Only if you have actually read (at least part of) the book, though...and even better if you have taken something from it and are applying it to your current, every-day life and perception of life -- being able to articulate the 'what and how' of that will be so much better!

 

Your golden years are yet to come, young man! And, at the rate you're going and growing, your life will most definitely improve...this has nothing at all to do with whether this person or that person "approves" of you or "accepts" you. Do NOT make other people's approval/acceptance a condition precedent for your own happiness and fulfillment.

 

Hugs and best.

[HD93]

So I ended NC. I couldn't do it anymore.

 

I've worked on myself a lot this Summer, and my insecurity/low-self esteem issues are depleting after starting counselling and meditation.

 

She had no idea about these issues I had. I wasn't ready for the relationship giving it was my first. I didn't love myself, which I think is an important factor in a relationship.

 

I feel fantastic right now, and she can't see that while we're away from each other.

 

I know I can make her happy now. I didn't when she broke up with me. I didn't think I could do any better, but I've come such a long way right now in which I feel so confident and fantastic.

 

I decided tonight that I'm ready to try and reconcile now. I feel as if I want to start to build something right now.

 

No contact has most definitely made me realise that I had issues that desperately needed sorting out. So I'm chuffed that I did it. I'm not surprised that she didn't contact me because to be honest, even though we were together for 5 months, I just didn't do enough. I didn't bother to improve myself. I became too comfortable in the relationship.

 

I've prepared myself for the strong possibility that she won't give me another chance. I'm ready for that. But I still feel as if I need to do this.

 

If she doesn't like the new and improved me, then that's her loss.

 

I've wasted years of my life being shy and lacking confidence - I'm thrilled with myself for the change that's happened

 

 

 

NOW, I just facebooked her with ":D Hiyaaaa, how are you?". She saw it. Then went offline.

 

Admittedly, that surprised me. She's such a lovely girl. Honestly, I wouldn't say there's a mean bone in her. But to just ignore the message completely was quite unexpected.

 

Whether she isn't ready to talk to me, or she still thinks that I'm still the same insecure guy that she ended it with so she doesn't want to hurt my feelings or something, I have no idea.

 

Any advice on where to go from here? I'm not going to give up. Last thing I'll do is say "Why are you not answering?". But I can't decide whether I should just leave it completely now until I see her in September or just say "I understand if you're not ready to talk to me yet".

 

She did say that she hoped we'd be friends when we broke up, so yeah. Any advice?

[FortunateSon]

I am not trying to take the wind out of your sails but keep in mind that just because you feel like you can make her happy now, doesn't mean she thinks you can, changes or not. It is also entirely possible she met someone else while NC...

[54JA]

Hi! It's great that you were able to work on yourself this summer and improve yourself! Good for you!!

 

Because I don't know how your NC started and what went on before that in your relationship, it's hard to give you advice. But I find it endearing when someone honestly and accurately describes the mistakes they made and own up to them. On the other hand, when they focus primarily on "look at the new and improved me!!!" without admitting that they are still working on some aspects of themselves, it's hard to take them seriously. These are just my opinion.

 

Honestly discussing what went on in the relationship, admitting your part in what went wrong, and showing a sincere willingness to work to improve those aspects can be a great start. Avoid exaggerating how great things will be in the future because it does not (at least to me) sound very realistic.

 

Good luck! Keep us posted on what happens.

[HD93]

I am not trying to take the wind out of your sails but keep in mind that just because you feel like you can make her happy now, doesn't mean she thinks you can, changes or not. It is also entirely possible she met someone else while NC...

 

Yeah I understand. Right now, I'm sure she still thinks I can't make her happy. In fact, I know she thinks that. Still, we haven't seen each other since the break up and neither have we really spoken to each other since the break up. She has no idea how fantastic I'm doing, so I wouldn't be surprised if she thought I've just been missing her all Summer.

 

Either way, we'll be working together so we're going to have to talk some time. I'm just going to enjoy being my new self, and if she doesn't like it. Ah well.

 

Maybe she has met another guy, but I don't think she has. She goes to counselling too (started a month or so before she ended it), so I wouldn't be too surprised if she wants to sort herself out first before going into another relationship.

[Simon Phoenix]

It's up to her to want you back. This pursuit is not a very good idea at all. You've made contact -- it's up to her to return serve, so to speak. It's foolish to chase someone who has no interest in being chased, someone who rejected you, so stop fighting and move forward. If she appears back in your life and chases you, then re-evaluate.

 

Either way, your current approach is a fool's errand. She knows your interested, so it's up to her to show interest back.

[HD93]

It's up to her to want you back. This pursuit is not a very good idea at all. You've made contact -- it's up to her to return serve, so to speak. It's foolish to chase someone who has no interest in being chased, someone who rejected you, so stop fighting and move forward. If she appears back in your life and chases you, then re-evaluate.

 

Either way, your current approach is a fool's errand. She knows your interested, so it's up to her to show interest back.

 

Yeah I understand. I just don't think she knew that really. The guy she went out with would NOT have gone no contact. I wouldn't have dreamt of going this long without messaging her. Plus, when we briefly paused NC I said that I'd accepted the break up and stuff. If anything, she may have thought that I was completely over it.

 

I didn't bring up the relationship, I just checked up on her. Maybe it wasn't the greatest of moves, but I still feel good. I'll be seeing her for lectures in a couple of weeks anyway so we'll see how much she tries to avoid me then.

 

Still, I've opened a question now. As you said, the ball is in her court. I get the hint if she doesn't reply. But I still haven't given up on her. I'll know when to give up.

[HD93]

Hi! It's great that you were able to work on yourself this summer and improve yourself! Good for you!!

 

Because I don't know how your NC started and what went on before that in your relationship, it's hard to give you advice. But I find it endearing when someone honestly and accurately describes the mistakes they made and own up to them. On the other hand, when they focus primarily on "look at the new and improved me!!!" without admitting that they are still working on some aspects of themselves, it's hard to take them seriously. These are just my opinion.

 

Honestly discussing what went on in the relationship, admitting your part in what went wrong, and showing a sincere willingness to work to improve those aspects can be a great start. Avoid exaggerating how great things will be in the future because it does not (at least to me) sound very realistic.

 

Good luck! Keep us posted on what happens.

 

If you are interested, then my previous threads give a detailed account of what's happened I believe

 

Honestly, that's the first time I've used the phrase "New and improved me". I've avoided using it because personally it gives off the vibe that I changed for her, and only her.

 

I just feel confident in myself, as well as just relationships now. I've been insecure/low-selfesteemed/lacked confidence for over a decade now. I've avoided relationships because of it, despite having offers. I'm 21 now, and the break up gave me the kick up the backside of what was needed to be done.

 

I've improved myself in many departments, and I've not finished yet. I'm becoming stronger mentally on a weekly basis, and I just can't wait to start University again now just so I can be "myself" to everyone.

 

I understand that it may not be looking fantastic regarding the ex (if that's what you meant). I've accepted the strong possibility that she won't give me the second chance. But still, on my end - I know what to do, and I know I can make her happy. I didn't need to change everything about myself. I just needed the confidence to actually make decisions and be a little less awkward around her and not be so insecure. Easier said than done? Maybe. But I made no effort to improve myself during the relationship because I became too comfortable. We both admitted to each other our love for each other way too early in the relationship in my opinion. Once she said it back to me, I just went into automatic and just became blinded by love.

 

I've learnt from my mistakes. If she dates someone else, then I'll end my interest right there on the spot. The second she declines/doesn't show any interest in me when we work together for months during the next year, I'll end the interest.

 

I won't be able to do that until then though

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah I understand. I just don't think she knew that really. The guy she went out with would NOT have gone no contact. I wouldn't have dreamt of going this long without messaging her. Plus, when we briefly paused NC I said that I'd accepted the break up and stuff. If anything, she may have thought that I was completely over it.

 

I didn't bring up the relationship, I just checked up on her. Maybe it wasn't the greatest of moves, but I still feel good. I'll be seeing her for lectures in a couple of weeks anyway so we'll see how much she tries to avoid me then.

 

Still, I've opened a question now. As you said, the ball is in her court. I get the hint if she doesn't reply. But I still haven't given up on her. I'll know when to give up.

 

Well, she gave up on you long ago dude. This isn't your fight.

[Always Pondering]

I haven't read your other threads but I'm glad your own outlook has improved over the summer. As a couple of others said, this is generally not a good idea to do. I've done this before (while she was in a relationship) and got no response. I even sent another message out of desperation wondering why there was no response and that one went ignored as well. It was a silly and hopeless pursuit but I hope things work out with your case. I'd personally advise against doing this but well, it's too late!

 

Even if she doesn't respond at all, it could serve as a real eye-opener and be a good thing.

 

Best of luck and do tell us what happens when you get an update, I'd like to hear.

[Antares]

Good for you on improving over the summer.

 

However, I feel you gotta let this one go. You took a chance and said hello, so that's not too, too bad. For whatever reasons, she ignored you. She could've just been busy, or genuinely surprised by you. She might be internally thinking "What does he want now?"

 

It could be a hundred different reasons for doing so, but you can't second guess them now. You'll drive yourself crazy thinking up the possibilities.

 

And definitely, under no circumstances reach out again with "Why did you not answer me?"

 

That's so incredibly desperate and needy and the opposite of confidence. Any time you ask her a question, even just "how are you?", it's technically a 'needy' position to take, because you're essentially communicating a need for an answer from her about her life/state.

 

Do you see that?

 

You want to communicate strength and confidence, toss that hello over the wall and walk away. Confident Dude doesn't need an answer. He's not waiting patiently for it. He's living his life. Sure it's cool to get a reply, but he's not going to be in need of one.

 

If she does reply at some point, just keep it light. Like you're having a fun summer and just wanted to say hi. That's it. Then walk away not asking her for anything. Not an answer, not a needy explanation for the Break UP, nothing. Just chat a few minutes and end the convo. Just fade out. And then let her take the next step (if there even is ever one)

[somegoodman]

Focus on improving yourself and hooking up with other girls. You have an unhealthy attachment to your ex because you think she's the one for you. It is utterly irrational. Stop caring about her, I mean really try to just let your feelings die. She isn't special and there is no way to recreate the past with her. Women are fickle and they live only for how they feel in the moment. Just accept it and stop trying to fight reality.

[erklat]

I am reading your threads and I can guarantee this

will soon become a train wreck that is about to hit you...

 

Hard.

[HD93]

I do appreciate the replies guys.

 

Despite the fact she didn't reply to me, I merely found it as a test of my character. I expected myself to spiral into sadness again, but I'm actually feeling fine. I went to play golf this morning, and I'll be heading out later again today.

 

I guess there are several reasons why she didn't reply. I'll leave it for now.

I've been on dates this Summer, and despite how well they went, I just didn't feel as it was right.

 

I won't do anything now until we work together in October. My first placement is up North, while she has her first placement in the South. I've been fortunate enough to be grouped up with 7 of some of my closest friends so I'm sure we'll have a good laugh up there! Also, I've been paired up with a pretty attractive girl so who knows.

 

Still, it's just quite strange given how positive she was when she replied to me nearing end of July and suddenly without warning she's gone to ignoring me.

 

I'm not going to read too much into it, because as one of you mentioned, several reasons are present.

 

I'm keeping busy, and that only helps. I'll probably focus more on my studies when I start again in 2 weeks time

 

I'm calm about the whole thing, so it's all good.

[HD93]

Update:

 

I've deleted her off Facebook. I really didn't expect myself to do that, but after leaving quite a positive message yesterday without a reply, I thought it was a good chance to slip away. I'm quite surprised that she didn't delete me in the first place. I'm sure it's usually the norm to do it, but she was perfectly happy to keep me in the mix.

 

Today I met a really incredible girl. Stunning, smart and she's really fun to talk to. I added her on facebook seconds after deleting my ex.

 

Have I completely moved on? Not sure yet. But I know I've done the right thing. I should have done it a long time ago. I know for a fact that she wouldn't have expected me to do that, but I guess she doesn't know how good I'm feeling about life right now/over the past few weeks.

 

Still, I'm interested to see how this thing with the new girl goes. I won't talk to my ex at all until when we have to work together in October time, and I guess I'll see where it goes from there.

 

As I said, I can't say for sure whether I've given up on that because the fact is I am looking forward for her, let alone everybody, to see how great/confident I feel for once. I look the best I've looked in years and I'm ready to enjoy my life.