EmbeddedCortex Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 (edited) Background on my breakup situation can be found here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/486269-she-misses-me-loves-me-but-seeing-someone-else and here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/486163-first-relationship-very-painful-breakup Quick summary: Ex goes crazy in mid-may and wants to break up. I try to work things out with her while she constantly flip-flops until mid june when I find out she had slept with someone the previous night almost on purpose to push me away. At that point I stop trying and go NC. One month later she calls me up and texts me very apologetically and we have an emotional conversation, of which I was not initially proud. The details can be read in above thread, but basically she said she was in a relationship with that guy she had met on Tinder. Anyway, I wish her well and go NC. 5 days later she starts texting me about being diagnosed with depression and going on anti-depressents. Before the breakup she blamed her sadness on me. Then other nice texts spread out over the next few days about thinking of me constantly, missing me, then yesterday a full-fledged text about how in love she was and is with me, and how she's very sorry, and how our last phone conversation made her realize how much I mean to her. I reluctantly and cautiously answered and agreed to set up a lunch meet for later this week to discuss. She's coming on very strong, but I said I need to take it slow for obvious reasons. I asked no details about what she's been doing or what's been going on. We were together for 2 years, and she started going a bit crazy the last few months that ended in the Tinder rebound. I do still love her, but everyone including me feels like this is completely unfair to me. I've suffered a great a deal because of the breakup, and decided to not go the rebound route. Sure, I'd like us to get back together and work out our issues and live happily ever after....but I feel it's unfair to me...? Anyone have similar experiences or advice? I'm afraid of being hurt again. I was nothing but good and loyal and nice to this girl. Edited August 5, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex Link to post Share on other sites
johnson_j Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 that's a real tough situation bud. I can't say what I would do but look at the troubles she has put you through, and now she wants you to come back now that she has had her fill. Will you ever be able to forgive her and move forward with her in a meaningful way? Honestly I feel sorry for both you and the other guy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Elias33 Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Walk the other way. No matter how tough it is. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
damien201 Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 You don't want to take her back now. Look at it this way if you can - cutting her out of your life right now will be like cutting off an infected toe to keep it from killing you slowly from blood disease. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeGoesOnMan Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Background on my breakup situation can be found here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/486269-she-misses-me-loves-me-but-seeing-someone-else and here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/486163-first-relationship-very-painful-breakup Quick summary: Ex goes crazy in mid-may and wants to break up. I try to work things out with her while she constantly flip-flops until mid june when I find out she had slept with someone the previous night almost on purpose to push me away. At that point I stop trying and go NC. One month later she calls me up and texts me very apologetically and we have an emotional conversation, of which I was not initially proud. The details can be read in above thread, but basically she said she was in a relationship with that guy she had met on Tinder. Anyway, I wish her well and go NC. 5 days later she starts texting me about being diagnosed with depression and going on anti-depressents. Before the breakup she blamed her sadness on me. Then other nice texts spread out over the next few days about thinking of me constantly, missing me, then yesterday a full-fledged text about how in love she was and is with me, and how she's very sorry, and how our last phone conversation made her realize how much I mean to her. I reluctantly and cautiously answered and agreed to set up a lunch meet for later this week to discuss. She's coming on very strong, but I said I need to take it slow for obvious reasons. I asked no details about what she's been doing or what's been going on. We were together for 2 years, and she started going a bit crazy the last few months that ended in the Tinder rebound. I do still love her, but everyone including me feels like this is completely unfair to me. I've suffered a great a deal because of the breakup, and decided to not go the rebound route. Sure, I'd like us to get back together and work out our issues and live happily ever after....but I feel it's unfair to me...? Anyone have similar experiences or advice? I'm afraid of being hurt again. I was nothing but good and loyal and nice to this girl. I've been there, but the real question you need to ask yourself is whether or not you can truly get over the fact she had sex with someone else. its a whole lot easier said then done, its also a who lot easier to say you can, when you know it's burnt in the back of your mind. to forgive is one thing, to forget is a whole nother story. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EmbeddedCortex Posted August 5, 2014 Author Share Posted August 5, 2014 I've been there, but the real question you need to ask yourself is whether or not you can truly get over the fact she had sex with someone else. its a whole lot easier said then done, its also a who lot easier to say you can, when you know it's burnt in the back of your mind. to forgive is one thing, to forget is a whole nother story. If you've been there, how did it go? Link to post Share on other sites
Shields boy Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 If you love her then take her back. She may now realise that the grass is not greener. You may come to regret not taking this chance. If you do; then lay down the law to her on what is going to change and act like a man. Link to post Share on other sites
elseaacych Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 What broke you two up? Was it an external event that has resolved itself, or was it a fundamental incompatibility? Sounds like the latter. Point being, she sounds all kinds of messed up, and she messed you up. Your emotions are raw as she betrayed you, and her head is not in the right spot because her relationship with the other guy ended. You cannot be with each other because of these emotions. She will be an emotional "taker", and you will be emotionally unavailable because you will be unable to open up. Spare yourself the heartache and walk away. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
redbaron005 Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 (edited) I feel it's unfair to me...? Anyone have similar experiences or advice? I'm afraid of being hurt again. I was nothing but good and loyal and nice to this girl. It is unfair to you, she tried to jump to someone who had the means to take care of her instead of sticking by your side during tough times (grad school by definition). I doubt she has matured in such a short amount of time. I'm a big believer in reconciliation, but to me it doesnt seem like you're ready. Personally I would just email her in response something to the effect of "I agree with you about the decision to break up, I really believe it was the best thing for both of us. I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over. I would really appreciate it if you didn't contact me during this time. I will be in touch when I am ready." Then when, and if, you believe you are ready and capable to completely forgive her then you can go back to her. If she is really serious, she will wait it out. Edited August 6, 2014 by redbaron005 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeGoesOnMan Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 If you've been there, how did it go? Its a miserable process lol I literally drove myself quietly insane while trying to convince myself I trusted her, and that she wasn't playing me while we "worked things out." I was with my ex for almost 7 years, so its not easy to just walk away but the main issue is trust. If you think you can trust her more power to you. My ex reported to me almost hourly during our attempted reconciliation. I still didn't & dont trust her. & we're still on good terms, mess around, etc. (Which is like dabbling with dope if you ask me, but I never learn either). But we're not back together like we were before, probably never will be. Do you trust her? & can you get over the fact she banged someone else? Its not as easy as you think. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 Anyway, I wish her well and go NC. 5 days later she starts texting me about being diagnosed with depression and going on anti-depressents. Before the breakup she blamed her sadness on me. If it was me, I would let her know that getting back with her after what she did and you'll be battling depression and on anti depressants. Maybe it's just me, but cheating is a deal breaker. Be damned if I'll live my life always wondering if today, tomorrow, next week, the same nightmare comes a calling again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EmbeddedCortex Posted August 6, 2014 Author Share Posted August 6, 2014 If it was me, I would let her know that getting back with her after what she did and you'll be battling depression and on anti depressants. Maybe it's just me, but cheating is a deal breaker. Be damned if I'll live my life always wondering if today, tomorrow, next week, the same nightmare comes a calling again. To be completely fair to her, she never cheated. She wanted to break up for a month before, and I begged her to not to... and for a week or so before the incident we were officially broken up. I just wouldn't let go. She simply promised me that she wouldn't sleep with anyone for some reason, but in the end she did ... I honestly can't say she's a cheater. Regardless, what she did ... did break my heart. But I can't say my own actions are also not to blame for how I ended up feeling. I somewhat did it to myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Trep Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 Her other guy didn't work out so she's just crawling back to you because it's familiar and comfortable. Once she gets bored again I can almost guarantee the exact same thing will happen 3 months, 6 months or even a year down the road if you get back together 7 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 Turn around and never look back. Never ever never ever never ever. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeGoesOnMan Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 Her other guy didn't work out so she's just crawling back to you because it's familiar and comfortable. Once she gets bored again I can almost guarantee the exact same thing will happen 3 months, 6 months or even a year down the road if you get back together he speaks the truth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EmbeddedCortex Posted August 6, 2014 Author Share Posted August 6, 2014 Her other guy didn't work out so she's just crawling back to you because it's familiar and comfortable. Once she gets bored again I can almost guarantee the exact same thing will happen 3 months, 6 months or even a year down the road if you get back together Yeah, that is my main issue as well. Surprisingly, I don't seem to give much ****s about her having had sex with this other guy for the past few weeks, except for the case of possible STDs of course. But my main concern is what you just said which most likely would happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
LifeGoesOnMan Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 Yeah, that is my main issue as well. Surprisingly, I don't seem to give much ****s about her having had sex with this other guy for the past few weeks, except for the case of possible STDs of course. But my main concern is what you just said which most likely would happen again. it wont feel the same. literally, it wont "feel" the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EmbeddedCortex Posted August 6, 2014 Author Share Posted August 6, 2014 it wont feel the same. literally, it wont "feel" the same. How long was yours in a rebound? Link to post Share on other sites
LifeGoesOnMan Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 (edited) How long was yours in a rebound? 6 months. yuck. but it only takes once for things to be "distorted". you sleep with someone long enough, it fits like a glove, once the glove has had another hand it, things don't feel quite the same. Edited August 6, 2014 by LifeGoesOnMan 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NC-Thomas Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 Her other guy didn't work out so she's just crawling back to you because it's familiar and comfortable. Once she gets bored again I can almost guarantee the exact same thing will happen 3 months, 6 months or even a year down the road if you get back together This. Grab your balls while you still got them and move the F on. It's gonna be hard, but in the end you'll thank us and more importantly yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FortunateSon Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 Yeah, that is my main issue as well. Surprisingly, I don't seem to give much ****s about her having had sex with this other guy for the past few weeks, except for the case of possible STDs of course. But my main concern is what you just said which most likely would happen again. It might not bother you now that she's had sex with someone else because of your eagerness to get back together, but eventually you will resent that she did and it will likely manifest in many ways that negatively affect the relationship. Speaking from experience, move on and find another woman, things with your ex will not be the same once the initial excitement of getting back together wears off. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EmbeddedCortex Posted August 6, 2014 Author Share Posted August 6, 2014 It might not bother you now that she's had sex with someone else because of your eagerness to get back together, but eventually you will resent that she did and it will likely manifest in many ways that negatively affect the relationship. Speaking from experience, move on and find another woman, things with your ex will not be the same once the initial excitement of getting back together wears off. Can you talk a little bit about your experience? BTW, I really appreciate all the advice in this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
ThorntonMelon Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 99% of the time, I say ditch these people. You are the 1%. I say that because sometimes you have to actually get destroyed one more time in order to get it out of your system. To be clear, she's going to do it again. But I worry you won't move forward with her in the picture. If she screws you over again, you'll be done with her I am sure. Right now you're in that place where distance from her makes your heart grow fonder. It's not going to be a happy ending. Once someone views you as disposable, they always will. But I worry you'll be stuck for years if you don't bite the forbidden fruit. Whatever you do, good luck. I feel for you, sometimes life screws with you by giving you what you want. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EmbeddedCortex Posted August 7, 2014 Author Share Posted August 7, 2014 I met up with her, she said she was still in love with me, she made a huge mistake, apologized repeatedly, said she will do whatever it takes however long it takes to make it up to me...etc... I don't know...as you guys all say....I worry it might happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
Trep Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 I met up with her, she said she was still in love with me, she made a huge mistake, apologized repeatedly, said she will do whatever it takes however long it takes to make it up to me...etc... I don't know...as you guys all say....I worry it might happen again. You should be worried because it WILL happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
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