Re-approach and ideas needed

[NeoDymium]

Hello everyone,

Back in July 2009 I began a long distance relationship with a woman in the US.

Things were going fine and we were making our way for a meet up. Before this could occur, her family and financial situation spiralled from bad to worse to even more worse, before a personal meet could occur and she wanted to focus on her family. So, July 2010 she ends the relationship but wanted to remain friends.

November 2010 was our last communication before I lost contact with her. She had a very profound online presence which disappeared as well; as finances deteriorated services fees couldn't be sustained I guess.

Her family were immigrants to the US.

In the mean time, I would occasionally check for her reemergence. Last two years I have not been checking and occasionally just thought of her nothing more. The other week however out of the blue, for no apparent reason I jumped out of bed to check her current online presence to find out she's moved to my country!!!

After bit of research I have found an address and landline telephone details. She's living with family.

I want to approach her and meet her in person to see if there is anything left for us. She lives about 18 hours drive away from me. So it is a bit of a drive.

I want to drive down, then maybe be call her (hopefully when she's home) and ask to meet her and tell her I drove 18 hours to do so. That seems a bit silly given she might not be available as I can only do this on the weekend. Nor do I want to call from my residence as it will be too easy to reject.

I'm in a bit of a predicament. What are your thoughts? What other ideas do you have? How else can I approach this? Your serious constructive input is much appreciated. Thanks in advance.

[15yearsin]

Do NOT drive 18 hours without calling her first. You will come across desperate and a bit stalker-ish. Simply call her or touch base online with her and go from there. Please do not surprise her with a drive. The call itself will be surprise enough.

[NeoDymium]

Do NOT drive 18 hours without calling her first. You will come across desperate and a bit stalker-ish. Simply call her or touch base online with her and go from there. Please do not surprise her with a drive. The call itself will be surprise enough.

 

Thank you for your response.

 

To be honest it did feel a bit stalker-ish just thinking about how the whole drive down ordeal might play out.

 

Do you think it's better to call or "touch base" online. I don't feel the online thing is surprise enough. On the other hand I have a hunch that she might not want her family to be aware of "us" (or having to explain our past) at this point thus if I call, I'd might have to consider a "pose" if a family member picks up the phone. This is in consideration for her but I don't want to come across as dishonest either

 

What do you think?

[NeoDymium]

I just realised.

 

The reason why I'm not just going ahead and emailing her is fear; fear of not writing the right thing, coming off wrong or awkward and losing that one chance I may have. Which explains the drive; it somehow validates a greater control of the situation and she might be more inclined to spend some time with me which might allow for things to develop....

[TJane]

15yearsin is right. Driving up there without calling her first is not a good idea. Whatever family situations that influenced her decision to call it off might still be existent, and you don't want to literally walk right into that without her permission.

 

 

Since she said she wanted to remain friends, call or email her first and try to catch up as friends. Don't push it. Let her get comfortable with you again (two years is a long time), then with time you can subtly introduce the idea of meeting up.

 

 

It might sound like a very slow process but sometimes when people are trying to adjust to unfavorable life circumstances, they'd rather maintain a platonic relationship than a romantic one.

 

 

Hopefully, with time you guys can get to the point where you left off and pick up from there. Good luck

[NeoDymium]

So, after I got your responses it just made sense; that was compounded after my email back and with her. She was polite but clearly distant. I think there's a state of mind in relationships that makes us very clouded at times.

 

If I ever want this woman's attention I have to be damn careful because if I don't get through her intellect first, her focus is so damn pin point sharp, let alone me, electrons will not be able to get through... To her heart that is.

 

So, we've practically had a chat session with emails for about three hours. Probably 30-40 chat session equivalent. Where 60-70% of the time I was pedaling the conversation. She was preoccupied though, multi-tasking.

 

I'm going to have a no contact day so as not to seem so damn needy. Will aim for an email chat the day after.

In the mean time something is driving me absolutely insane. Every bloody moment I'm thinking of her. I lecture myself in my mind telling myself to go on my life as usual, but no, she's always there at the forefront of my thoughts. As soon as I opened my eyes in the morning I was thinking about her, WTH?

 

Anyone else whose been like this about a woman? Or ladies about men? How did you cope? Is it a matter of "heart over mind" vs "mind over heart"?

 

Mind you, my mind and my heart has been at war over past couple weeks. That's not a matter for discussion though.

Edited July 21, 2014 by NeoDymium

[NeoDymium]

15yearsin is right. Driving up there without calling her first is not a good idea. Whatever family situations that influenced her decision to call it off might still be existent, and you don't want to literally walk right into that without her permission.

 

 

Since she said she wanted to remain friends, call or email her first and try to catch up as friends. Don't push it. Let her get comfortable with you again (two years is a long time), then with time you can subtly introduce the idea of meeting up.

 

 

It might sound like a very slow process but sometimes when people are trying to adjust to unfavorable life circumstances, they'd rather maintain a platonic relationship than a romantic one.

 

 

Hopefully, with time you guys can get to the point where you left off and pick up from there. Good luck

 

Thank you for your well wishes.

[leoc1973]

Tell her that something popped into your head that made you think about her. Don't get all creepy and say you were dreaming about her or you woke up thinking about her. It seems like you are a romantic and you are relying on fate or destiny. I am sure you have already thought that this is no coincidence that she is coming to your country.

 

I used to look for signs everywhere when my ex and I broke up. I found 2 pennies on the ground both dated our birth year lying on top of one another. I would walk into a store and hear our song and its an older song so in my head it was fate that out of millions of songs that particular one started playing as I walked in. I could go on and on about hundreds of things that the universe were telling me that we would be together. And guess what... We aren't. I am with someone else now and from what I hear she is madly in love with her guy.

 

My point is don't try to be romantic and read into the universe sending her to your country and think that doing something like driving 18 hours is going to make her swoon.

 

Have you ever talked to her on the phone? Have you tried emailing her in the last few days? There is a show on here in the states called Catfish. I think there was a movie too. where a guy falls in love with a girl online and she ends up being someone totally different or a guy or a 12 year old. You don't wanna show up and find out that you drove 18 hours to see a 12 year old boy that is on vacation with his parents. Be careful we have lots of scam artists here in america. Keep us posted on what happens if you make contact.

[NeoDymium]

leoc1973 thank you for your perspective.

 

 

I've definitely spoken to her on the phone countless times. As you suggested, I'm definitely not about to open up to her about my constant thoughts; it may be perceived as sweet if she had feelings, but now it will be like needy or just plain lame. Hence why I'm going NC for one night.

 

 

What you mentioned about you and your ex is probably the exact reason why my heart and mind is at war.

 

 

What I'd like to ask you is did you go through what I described above (she being always in my thoughts) and if so how you dealt with it?

[leoc1973]

oh ok you have spoke to her on the phone. Good. Has she sent pictures? Does it seem too good to be true?

 

My ex was the love of my life and I thought I would be well over her by now but I think about her every day. I guess that is why I came back on here. For some reason it makes me feel better to read other peoples stories.

 

I guess to answer your question.. It comes and goes. There was a point where I didn't think about her at all for like a year but recently one of my good female friends passed away from cervical cancer and my current girlfriend just had a hysterectomy and my ex had some female problems so I don't know if that is why I am thinking about her again. Maybe its just more out of general concern to know she is ok. I haven't spoke to her in a long tme. I think when you feel a really deep connection with someone then you always think about them from time to time.

 

Are you going to contact her today? Or tomorrow? I am curious to know what she is thinking.

[NeoDymium]

Yeah I got pictures. She was fairly attractive, above average at least. Trying to be objective here; y'know "beauty is in the eye of the beholder"?

 

As for contacting her; I already have. I think you missed reading one of my posts:

 

So, we've practically had a chat session with emails for about three hours. Probably 30-40 minute chat session equivalent. Where 60-70% of the time I was pedaling the conversation. She was preoccupied though, multi-tasking.

[NeoDymium]

Ok, so, with email, if she's online and and in front of the computer, she'll usually respond. So, that's how we got to chat previously. After a day of NC (on my part to play strategy) I was unable to catch her.

 

Anyhow, so I'll be hoping to catch her some time and hopefully chat to her but, I wanted to ask those of you for an objective view of how do I know the right time as passed/come to ask for her cell number?