Jateed Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 Hello everyone, I have been seeing this girl for about a year. I'm 27 and she's 25. This whole time, I lived in the city and she lived about 30 minutes outside. I have a good job and rent my own house, and she works a not-so-great job and lived with her dad. For the entire time we were together, we had talked about how much we loved each other and how this was something real. About 3 months ago, she moved in with me, and due to her crappy-paying job, I didn't charge her anything for rent. Because of that, I was broke more often than I liked and wasn't able to go out as much as we used to. Well, about 3 weeks ago, she basically said that she was unhappy with our relationship, and wanted to break up. I was devastated. When I asked her why, she said that she wanted to focus on herself, and not have to deal with the stress of having someone depend on her. So, I wanted to give her space, but the problem was that we were living together, and had bought furniture, etc, and she transferred stores (she works for a convenience store chain) to one by me. So, we still lived together. Now, for the last three weeks, she has used our 'time apart' to basically go out every night. She goes out drinking with people from work (mostly other guys, but she has always had mostly male friends), and some nights doesn't come home. I haven't seen her try to get a better job or anything that would be indicative of 'finding herself'. I've spoken with friends as to what to do, and I am not sure exactly how to handle this. Should I tell her to go back to living with her dad? I know it would be easier on me, but it would be tougher on her and I am afraid that if she walks out that door, that she won't come back, and I really do not want this to be the end. I can wait, I can give her space, but I really don't want to lose her forever, since I've never felt this way about anyone else. I also don't know whether I should keep in touch. We hung out last weekend, and plan on hanging out tomorrow (saturday), but I don't know how much contact I should keep with her if she was to move out. Do I go NC, or do I just talk to her every so often? I know she still loves me. I mean, hell, we still sleep in the same bed (on nights when she comes home), and she said that she hasn't hooked up with anyone else at this point. I just don't know what to do. Anyone who has any advice (especially someone who has been on her side of this type of situation) would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 You need to give her an "eviction notice". Tell her that if she wants to be single that you aren't interested in a roommate (especially one that doesn't pay rent, but you can leave that part out.) Give her 30 days notice to find a new place to go. Where that is really isn't your problem. You can split up the furniture. That's not that big of a deal. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 I also don't know whether I should keep in touch. You aren't at the point to figure that out yet. Getting her out is the current priority. Once she is out on her own, she may go NC, or she may realize she made a big mistake, or she may attempt to keep you as a friend while still going out with other random guys. When you see what she does, you can figure out what you want to do. I know she still loves me. I mean, hell, we still sleep in the same bed (on nights when she comes home), and she said that she hasn't hooked up with anyone else at this point. I just don't know what to do. Anyone who has any advice (especially someone who has been on her side of this type of situation) would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading. The situation she is in benefits her greatly, and there is no reason she will change it voluntarily. She pays no rent, she has you there for emotional and financial support, and she can now go out and be as wild and free as she likes. In order for anything to change, YOU have to be the one to change it. If she wants to be single, you have to give her the "gift" of the good AND bad of that experience. She has to experience the financial stress, loneliness, and other things that will come with her true independence. Otherwise, you'll be back here in a few weeks talking about how she's seeing this guy and you don't know if they are hooking up but you are freaking out about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jateed Posted July 18, 2014 Author Share Posted July 18, 2014 You aren't at the point to figure that out yet. Getting her out is the current priority. Once she is out on her own, she may go NC, or she may realize she made a big mistake, or she may attempt to keep you as a friend while still going out with other random guys. When you see what she does, you can figure out what you want to do. The situation she is in benefits her greatly, and there is no reason she will change it voluntarily. She pays no rent, she has you there for emotional and financial support, and she can now go out and be as wild and free as she likes. In order for anything to change, YOU have to be the one to change it. If she wants to be single, you have to give her the "gift" of the good AND bad of that experience. She has to experience the financial stress, loneliness, and other things that will come with her true independence. Otherwise, you'll be back here in a few weeks talking about how she's seeing this guy and you don't know if they are hooking up but you are freaking out about it. Thank you, and you're in line with what I've been hearing. I think I'm going to tell her tomorrow on our way home from the beach that she has a week to figure out what she wants to do. Either she stays and we work on getting her to a better place together, or she moves out by the end of the weekend (most of the stuff in the house is still mine, so 2 days should be enough. It's her decision anyway). I just don't want her to resent me for 'giving her the boot'. I am just worried that she'll leave and I'll never see her again. She has had abusive relationships in the past, and because of this, is quick to just shut down emotionally and be borderline sociopathic. Not that I've been abusive (as you read above, it's quite the opposite). And you're right about another guy. I know where she's been crashing when she doesn't come home, and despite what she has said about hooking up, I don't trust him not to make a move when she's drunk. Link to post Share on other sites
EverLastluv Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 I think the best thing to do is send her home back to her mom. She dont respect you and your home. If she truly loves you, after she get over it she will keep in touch with you. I'm telling you this from experiance. My fiance moved in with me for a month things was not working out, So I left him at this mother house. After he stop calling me for a couple of weeks he call and ask if we can work things out and he understand why. If she truly loves you she would come back!!! Link to post Share on other sites
gj13 Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 She broke up with you, there's no reason for you to even consider the thought of letting her stay there. She was not your roommate, she was your partner and she's disrespecting you by being there and going out with random people and even going back sleeping in your bed. But what's worse, you're disrespecting yourself by letting all of this go on. I know you love and you don't want her to go back to all her financial difficulties etc... but right now, YOU should be your only concern. This lady is not appreciative of you at all. Why do you want her to hang around while you see her come and go with whomever she pleases. Please don't. Ask her to move out, it's only FAIR. Go NC and let her handle and get a grip on her life. NC is your priority, you need to be able to let go of this relationship, feel better about yourself in all aspects... and if she manages to turn her life around well that's great. If not, there doesn't seem to be a reason why you should want her in your life still. Just my two cents. Link to post Share on other sites
Fitguyinfl Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 Translated to "I want sleep with other dudes." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 Now, for the last three weeks, she has used our 'time apart' to basically go out every night. She goes out drinking with people from work (mostly other guys, but she has always had mostly male friends), and some nights doesn't come home. ... and she said that she hasn't hooked up with anyone else at this point. Wake up man. Give her the boot and hope she resents you for it rather than string you along like she did now for 3 weeks. Otherwise she'll send you breadcrumbs like "I miss you...", "Can we talk?" etc and you'll most likely fall for that ***** again. You got a parasite in your home. Get her out. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 If she's going to live there like a room mate then you tell her that the cost of rent, utilities and everything shared will be split down the middle or she can find a new place to live. Link to post Share on other sites
WestLAguy Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Ummm ...dude you need to kick her out. Link to post Share on other sites
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