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How to demonstrate I have changed (Updated)


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So my ex gf and I broke up about 1 month ago and she started dating right away to get me off her mind. We recently spoke and she said that I've let her down so many times that she already expects another let down.

 

i explained to her that in the past I was motivated simply by my emotions to make things works. Which is why they only worked temporarily; because I would go back to my logic and reasoning which led to lack of courtship and positive emotions and caused me to act insecure and introverted due to her behaviors.

 

But this time I took a different approached and when to see professional help. I have counseled with a few psychologist and relationship counselors to underline my behavior patterns which seem to in the end ruin a relationship. I am now educated and know that in my heat I have changed. And mostly thanks to her, because she touched me in such a way that I knew i had to see someone who can level with me.

 

She still contacts me and went off on me asking if i was dating someone and to tell her..when she is the only seeing someone else..she also admitted to me that she loved me..but that ive let her down so many times that she doesn't think i have changed and that she already knows me..

 

I can't fathom enough how much i have worked on myself in the past month or so and it really hurts to know she doesn't want to take the risk even though she says the person she is seeing is nothing serious and she is just having fun..still i dont fully believe this and think she is simply in a rebound relationship..but still has feelings for me since she calls me every other day..and we even had phone sex the other day...yes i know..urgghhh..and tells me she's never done that with anyone else..ps she is scorpio

 

So lastly, how can I demonstrate to her my changes if she is not willing to give me a chance? perhaps, schedule a date when ever I she is available and slowly show my changes? I also need to draw the line somewhere and say, ok your seeing someone else, this has to stop..but knowing her, it wont be that easy.

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What can I say or do in order for her to look believe that I have changed if she is not thinking about giving me a chance

 

I just know there is a way but I am delusional right now please help

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If someone loves you, they will wait for you to change WHILE you are still together. The day they left you, they decided not to care anymore. And if it's a recent break up, they won't beleive you've changed enough.

 

Usually the best chance of getting back together is to wait at least a year or so... when everyone has forgotten the messy past and start again.

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soccerrprp
If someone loves you, they will wait for you to change WHILE you are still together.

 

On the flip-side, people who have an unhealthy view of themselves and relationships will also wait (too long) for someone to change despite the evidence that repeatedly reveals that change will not happen...wasting valuable time, effort.

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i completely agree with the fact that my ex gf stuck around waiting for me to change and eventually she found someone else so it was easy for her to move on.

 

But after 5 years I feel like I can just give up on her. And by me not doing nothing it feels like I am giving up. Yet, at times it feels like I am not making progress because she is set on being single and having fun...yet, i know what she says its not what she means because she is seeing someone else. And although I have asked:

 

1. if you want me to stop talking to you so that u can evolve with this new guy and i can make attempts to try and clear you of my mind, tell me, please don't feel like you are going to hurt me.

 

or 2. Are you asking if I am dating someone else because you are scared of losing me or are thinking about rekindling things, then lets set a solid date when are you available?

 

of course these are the short versions..but she still says i dont know.

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i am so depressed its not even funny ...they say times heals all wounds..but im thinking time just teaches us how to live with the pain of losing someone

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is there any particular way i can reply to this

 

"I already know you and dont think you have changed.."

 

 

How can I reply to that in a sort of way where I can at least have a positive impact?

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is there any particular way i can reply to this

 

"I already know you and dont think you have changed.."

 

 

How can I reply to that in a sort of way where I can at least have a positive impact?

 

You don't. There is nothing you can say that will magically change her mind. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. The only thing you will achieve by insisting is pushing her further away.

 

Work on yourself, make yourself the best person you can be. For you. Not for her. She got herself out of the picture, if she changes her mind she will let you know. If she doesn't it means she doesn't love you anymore and there is nothing you can do about that.

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leavesonautumn

Are you seeking help and working on yourself for her or for you?

 

It's really important to understand the difference. If you are getting help just so you can have her back, you will never truly heal. Even if she does notice the difference and decides not to be with you (which, unfortunately, is most likely the case here) then your healing and progress will be set back almost completely because your self esteem will suffer.

 

If you are getting help for yourself, then you will be a stronger person and you can learn to love yourself. You will then be able to meet someone who will love you for who you are and vice versa.

 

You need to stop contacting her. It's slowing down your progress and unfortunately, it takes longer than a month for someone to change their habits and change in ways they want to. I don't want to speak on your behalf or tell you how you feel, however, change simply does not happen in one month. We WANT it to, we convince ourselves it does but it's way too easy to slip up into old habits.

 

My ex would use a breakup in order to "force me to change" for the better and even though it's been 6 months since the BU, I still have no idea who I am or what I want. I totally lost myself in that relationship and getting help to get him back would hurt me more. Instead of sticking by me in rough times, he would run away until it got easier and come back like nothing happened. I would strongly recommend that you take time away from her to work on yourself.

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thanks for the input.

 

the help i am getting is for myself indeed. However, as I feel the change in my heart and enter this "maintenance" period where I actually see myself taking on a different approach, it does not stop me from wanting to share these changes with her.

 

However, as you said, nothing is going to change her mind but her self. I spoke with her earlier because she called and I mentioned that I had booked a trip to key west. Even though she is seeing someone else, she started asking me..so who are you going with any girls?

 

A few hours earlier we were talking and she said she doesn't want to get back with me because she feels bad for me. It would be because she wants to. At which point i said, whoa hold it hold it, you should never even think about that..but as soon as she found out i am bound to invite other girls to my trip she opted to go with me.

 

This is one crazy story..

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leavesonautumn

Honestly, she just wants to know that you are still attached to her and still love her.

 

Don't give her that satisfaction anymore because it'll just make you feel worse in the long run. There are so many threads on here about people who kept talking to their ex after the relationship for months and it prolonged their healing and ability to move on. Don't let that happn to you!

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And although I have asked:

 

1. if you want me to stop talking to you so that u can evolve with this new guy and i can make attempts to try and clear you of my mind, tell me, please don't feel like you are going to hurt me.

 

or 2. Are you asking if I am dating someone else because you are scared of losing me or are thinking about rekindling things, then lets set a solid date when are you available?

 

Is there an option that goes something like :

you dumped me, saying your OK with loosing me for ever. All benefits of our communication are revoked from now on.

 

Or even better - just stop contacting her and coercing on giving you the answer you want to hear.

 

Radio silence.

 

Also, you haven't changed. It takes a lot of time, blood, sweat and tears to change your habits and traits.

Edited by erklat
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soccerrprp

 

I can't fathom enough how much i have worked on myself in the past month or so and it really hurts to know she doesn't want to take the risk even though she says the person she is seeing is nothing serious and she is just having fun..still i dont fully believe this and think she is simply in a rebound relationship..but still has feelings for me since she calls me every other day..and we even had phone sex the other day...yes i know..urgghhh..and tells me she's never done that with anyone else..ps she is scorpio

 

 

If this is true, then your ex is hardly an ideal partner. She contacts you, her ex, a guy she feels is not healthy and good for her AND sexts you WHILE dating another guy! She is disrespectful and imho, has an unhealthy view of relationships.

 

But, it seems clear you don't see it that way. You both are an example of why relationships don't work. Good luck.

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miranda_wilson

I think a good way to demonstrate you've changed is by going away. You don't have to worry that he or she won't "see" or "experience" your changes if you're not around them. Your absence is a change from your presence, and the absence has the capacity to awaken in him or her the notion that you have changed. Or that things have changed.

 

One thing you can do before you go away is let them know that you fully intend to work on yourself and that you mean it. But then go away and don't try to "show" them how you've changed. Your just needing to "show" them strikes them as fake anyway. They perceive it as something you're doing to get what you want, and that after you get what you want, the change will slowly deteriorate and you'll become your old self again.

 

In contrast, if you say you're working on yourself because you know you need to and you go away, they get the notion (after a while) that you really might change, and that you're not doing it to get something you want but because it's the right thing to do, and that you're not desperately trying to prove anything to them. They might even start to think they are missing out on a truly improved version of you that someone else might get.

 

So basically, no matter how sincere you are in changing, the fact of trying to "show" them strikes them as ridiculous. Plus, by going away, you're telling them that you know that it's "too little too late" (your desire to change) as far as they are concerned, and that you get that.

 

But that doesn't mean you won't change anyway even if it is too little too late in their eyes, and they may eventually see themselves as missing out. They'll more likely see it if you're not pushing your "change" on them.

 

Allow him or her to fantasize that you're someone different. They probably will eventually. We all see what No Contact does to most of us. We want to see them badly; we want to talk to them badly. Well, they, as the dumpers, feel it a bit less intensely, maybe a lot less intensely. But they still do feel it to some degree. You not being there, after enough time passes, makes you as much of a "long, lost love" as they are to you now.

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FoolHeartedMan
I think a good way to demonstrate you've changed is by going away. You don't have to worry that he or she won't "see" or "experience" your changes if you're not around them. Your absence is a change from your presence, and the absence has the capacity to awaken in him or her the notion that you have changed. Or that things have changed.

 

One thing you can do before you go away is let them know that you fully intend to work on yourself and that you mean it. But then go away and don't try to "show" them how you've changed. Your just needing to "show" them strikes them as fake anyway. They perceive it as something you're doing to get what you want, and that after you get what you want, the change will slowly deteriorate and you'll become your old self again.

 

In contrast, if you say you're working on yourself because you know you need to and you go away, they get the notion (after a while) that you really might change, and that you're not doing it to get something you want but because it's the right thing to do, and that you're not desperately trying to prove anything to them. They might even start to think they are missing out on a truly improved version of you that someone else might get.

 

So basically, no matter how sincere you are in changing, the fact of trying to "show" them strikes them as ridiculous. Plus, by going away, you're telling them that you know that it's "too little too late" (your desire to change) as far as they are concerned, and that you get that.

 

But that doesn't mean you won't change anyway even if it is too little too late in their eyes, and they may eventually see themselves as missing out. They'll more likely see it if you're not pushing your "change" on them.

 

Allow him or her to fantasize that you're someone different. They probably will eventually. We all see what No Contact does to most of us. We want to see them badly; we want to talk to them badly. Well, they, as the dumpers, feel it a bit less intensely, maybe a lot less intensely. But they still do feel it to some degree. You not being there, after enough time passes, makes you as much of a "long, lost love" as they are to you now.

 

Very good explanation Miranda. Love it.

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WoW...very good folks..Miranda thx so much for that valuable explanation..

 

this weekend she opted to go on this trip with me..at least for now that is the plan..I will end up going either way to key west because I need this time off..

 

but i plan to go on this trip and not talk about us ( unless she brings it up) not talk about the future (unless she brings it up) and simply have a good time(sex is a yes) and be fearless and make the best impression of myself..

 

if the trip rekindles us...that would be the best...if it ends up in disaster (which i doubt based on all that i have gathered), it will be a lesson and will definitely do NC and if she ends up backing out from the trip, i will enjoy myself either way and try to meet someone to enjoy my improved version..

 

As Jim Rohn said, some ppl changed and some dont, u dont have to wait to tomorrow..or next month or next year..you can start right away. You have to be smart enough in philosophy to know that the present errors in judgement are affecting you tomorrow, or a month from now or a year from now and amend them...

 

i will keep you all posted..and thanks again Miranda..if this weekend backfires for some reason..i will definitely take your route..

 

the reason i haven't initially started NC is because I messed up badly and i knew that NC would have just given her the right to move on easily...but after telling her all the i have done to better my self, at least i have a better piece of mind knowing that I shared this with her and that she heard me out..even though she likes someone else..i have 5 years with her and she stuck around until she found a new prospect that gives her the attention i did not..well i wrote her a 30 page ( yes i know crazy) letter on many things i did wrong and how i now have been educated on how not to fall back to the routine..and to some degree that has worked because she still contacts me..as opposed to her not contacting me due to me simply initiating NC..

 

so the future is near with or with out NC..but I do have feeling NC will be applicable just because I have let her down so many times and hurt her..but at least she knows what I am capable off

 

best

 

t

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soccerrprp

I find it peculiar that she is willing to go to Key West despite her feelings. Just don't expect much and enjoy yourself. Are you paying for the trip? Did she contribute?

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I find it peculiar that she is willing to go to Key West despite her feelings. Just don't expect much and enjoy yourself. Are you paying for the trip? Did she contribute?

 

 

She says she will contribute to some activities. But I booked the hotel and Im going with or without her..so i didn't expect for her to pay.

 

As you said, I am not expecting much and enjoying myself. It will be the first time we genuinely hang out after the breakup. So it can go very well or downhill..

 

I will keep you guys posted with any new development.

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so she finally confirmed today that she is going with me to Key West as long as we both agree that we are going there to have fun and not as a couple..

 

She even asked if we could get double beds instead of a king - which i found funny since i have a good feeling we are going to be intimate.

 

any ways, any suggestions? I've been watching videos and reading many articles and they all basically say to not mentioned anything about the future or us and to focus on having fun, hanging out and hooking up..

 

If i can manage to do that, i should be able to bring up her attraction towards and interest levels in me..

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So I am still a little bit confused as to whether I may be pushing away my ex since she is talking so some other guy. She tells me that she only hangs out in groups but i know the guy has slept over her place a few times because her brother told me. Lateyly she has been spending more time in "groups" with him than me.. i haven't seen her in 2 weeks.

 

However, she is still coming with me this weekend so in my eyes as much as she hates to admit it, there has to be something for me..

 

She said the other day that she is still confused because she is between having "fun" with this new person and "afraid of me letting her down again" but she still cares a lot about me.

 

I guess the real question here is, since i haven't given her "space" am i pushing her closer to the other guy?

 

Again, the question sounds illogical because she is coming with me this weekend.

 

Any advise for this weekend so I don't sound desperate to get back with her yet still win her over? If I follow my own advice of having fun and trying to reignite old sparks, do you think this is all i should do?

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redbaron005

Yea, my advice would be to not let her come on the trip. If you allow her to come with you and treat you like an option/you treat her like a bootycall than that confirms you have in fact not changed. It's either this new guy or you. End of story. Tell her that and go NC for a few weeks to let her mull it over.

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tobe1424,

 

Just let things happen. Don't come on too strong, but find little opportunities for you to get closer to her. Don't be stand-offish and when she becomes more affectionate, I would reciprocate IN KIND, not to much, not too little.

 

Let her start any conversation about getting back together or the future, but I gotta tell you that I think that your ex is really looking at this as a free vacation and if intimacy is involved it may or may not mean a thing to her. Just the fact that she's going with you while dating this other guy tells me that she is not commitment material right now.

 

I just saw red baron's post. If you back off on this trip, you look worse for the short-term. I don't know, but you've already made it clear that she can come, she wants to.....to pull back may simply reinforce that you REALLY HAVE NOT CHANGED or worse.

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Thanks folks. I appreciate redbarons post …I’ve thought about just backing off and not letting her go. But I think this reciprocate that I am still a “wounded duck” and going NC would be expected and as you said soccerrprp, it would state that I really haven’t changed. I will certainly take your advice on “just letting things happen” and “not be stand-offish and when she becomes more affectionate, I would reciprocate IN KIND, not too much, not too little.”

I also feel like she is not commitment material right now. But since I feel it’s about 90% my fault she left me in the first place, I feel that I at least try to “just let things happen” and show her that I have changed by just been myself and not throwing myself over her either

 

 

this will either make us or break us..but it certainly won't go unnoticed. We do love been intimate with one another and its usually what brings us together. I am praying that this weekend will be nothing less than a good time that will rekindle us, yet I don't expect it.

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From your sentences I can see how large your expectations actually are.

 

This is a trainwreck I believe everyone sees coming, but now you can't back off

and you will 99% certainly not respond in kind to anything she throws at you.

 

Probably people see me very bitter but I think chances of things going awry are much higher than your expectations.

 

The best thing I'd go for if your budget can take it - book her another room. Call her and tell her that. If she asks why, you say you want to prevent any awkwardness that could ruin your vacation.

 

Your mindset looks like 'her her her her' whereas it should be 'me me me me'.

Edited by erklat
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