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We broke up, he wants me back but I'm not sure. Thoughts?


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The reason why me and my ex of a year broke up was because he disrespected me. We were long distance, and he didn't tell me that he was back in town AND that he'd made plans with some friends from college immediately after. That, to me is lying by omission. Additionally during our relationship he'd always been bad at communicating, compromising and showing me affection. Looking back now, he definitely didn't respect me as much as he should have throughout the relationship. So catching him was the just tip of the iceberg.

 

Some time after we broke up he reached out to me and told me the reason why he did what he did. He was having a difficult time dealing with being long distance and was stressed that he wasn't making me as happy as I could be because he had a hard time opening up to me. He didn't tell me he was back because he wanted more time to sort his feelings, and he didn't say he was with friends because he didn't want me to get offended that he was hanging out with them first. After the breakup he realized he was a pretty big jerk to me readily admitted that he deserved it. Essentially, he understood that he didn’t treat me right and that he didn't respect me enough. He said he wants to change for the better.

 

Since he reached out to me, we’ve been chatting every once in a while as friends. But I don't think I’m not okay with this anymore. It’s either we get back together and work on the problems we have, or we just stop communicating completely. He’s told me he wants to try and be together again, but I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do even though I have feelings for him too. Additionally, I’ve become very jealous of his female friends. They were the ones he was with as soon as he got back to town. He was out with them immediately before and after the breakup, and even now he spends lots of time with them, much more than with me. They seem to always have plans together, whereas he hasn't made a single plan with me to hang out. They've only met within the last couple months! Not to mention, I gave him a chance of fixing the relationship before I officially broke it off. All he had to do was call me, but he didn’t because he said he doesn't like to be on the phone when he was out with friends (as if that was the point). I don't think he is messing around with them or anything, but it hurts that they seem to come before me, and is higher on his priorities. So is he worth giving another chance? Or is our relationship too messed up to fix? Please give me advice. Thank you!!

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Based on your post - i would suggest a no .. keep moving forward

 

Thanks for your opinion. Was there something that stuck out to you that made you suggest no?

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I don't think it's fixable either.

 

Candidly, the problems are not one sided. Failing to tell you that he was in town is not disrespect. It's not cool but perhaps he just didn't want to see you. I suspect he wanted to see his college buddies & he knew if he told you his plans you would pitch a fit because you don't respect him

 

If the distance was a big part of the stress and you haven't closed it what's the sense of trying something again that didn't work before?

 

If you are jealous of his female friends do you think that is going to magically go away? Round two of your relationship will be even more tenuous then round one because you have already broken up once. That is going to make you even more crazy regarding these friends. Don't both trying to get back together under these circumstances.

 

Neither of you really want each other back. You are both just missing the comfort & familiarity of having somebody.

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I'm aware we have issues on both ends. I'd have to disagree with you on whole coming back part though. To me, it was disrespectful to avoid telling me about it because we were in a relationship. Communicating something like that is important. He sat in an airport, in the terminal, texting me for 2 hours which he initiated, and he didn't mention he was on his way home. The day he came back, I was already out with my friends (which he knew from our text conversation), so I don't think I would have pitched a fit if he went out with his friends. To let me continue assuming that he was across the country, when he was actually just half an hour away isn't right at all. I can understand not letting me know if we'd last seen each much more recently, but the last time I saw him, we only had 2 days together and it was 3 months prior. I wasn't mad he came back and was out with his friends, I was mad he didn't tell me.

 

As for the jealousy, it began after we broke up. I'd never really been a jealous person, he has quite a lot of female friends and I wasn't ever bothered and still am not by the friendships he has with the others. It's this one particular group, for some reason. I think I'm uncomfortable at how close they've gotten in such a short amount of time. I dunno.

 

But anyway, thanks for your input. I'm leaning more towards just moving on. If we were to get back together, of course I'd want to address the issues we have. I wouldn't get back together just to ignore them. I'd want to repair the relationship and move on. I just don't want to regret not trying harder, or seeing the other sides to this. Thanks again!

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You misunderstand. I am not condoning his failure to tell you. It was sneaky. It was deceitful but it wasn't disrespectful per se. I think you simply misused the word to describe his unacceptable behavior.

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