What does he want??

[wsrenan]

Hey everyone, all thoughts and advice would be much appreciated.

 

My boyfriend and I broke up after about a year and a half of dating in college. The short story is that we didn't communicate very well and a lot of things got lost in translation until they built up while I was abroad and he decided to end it. The break up hurt me a lot, I didn't expect it nor do I understand it, to this very day.

After the break up, I was really upset and hurt and didn't talk to him for more another year and a half. During that time, he's tried to get in touch with me to apologize, sending flowers and messages. I never replied positively to any of his attempts, but I ruminated about his decisions and recently decided to forgive him and open up to the possibility of getting back together.

 

We've since graduated from college and started working in the same city. I reached out to him about a month ago and we're both really happy that we've started talking again. In the past few days, I came out to him and told him that I still love and care about him a lot and that I was interested in getting back together with him, but on the condition that we both try to improve our communication so that we don't fall into old habits.

 

I had expected to have the upper hand as he had broken up with me, and as he had tried to contact me repeatedly to apologize during our no-contact period but his response to my proposal was that he wasn't ready to commit to a new relationship because of a few factors. He said that starting a new job out of college was really busy for him and that he couldn't commit time into starting or maintaining a lot of relationships. He also said that he wanted to try being friends first since we haven't talked to each other for a really long time, and that if we were friends first again, it would give us a better idea of where our relationship should head after a while. I understand the second part and I didn't want to immediately get back together anyways, I wanted to tell him that I was open to the option if he was. I was hurt by the first factor that work was too busy for him to commit though, I think that if you have strong enough feelings for anyone, you'd put them before work and most things in your life.

 

I'm really confused because for a long time, I thought that he was the one who had stronger feelings about getting back together and I don't really understand why he sent me all the things he did during our time apart, only to tell me that he just wants to be friends, or at least for now. I still don't know why he broke up with me in the first place and I intend to find out, in due time, but I guess I was wondering if it's worth it for me to keep trying to reconcile our relationship with his surprising pushback. I really do still want to get back together with him, but I don't understand his side because his words seem so contradictory.

 

Addendum: Neither of us have seen other people since we broke up so I thought we both still had strong feelings for each other.

Edited July 2, 2014 by wsrenan

[ThorntonMelon]

Obviously only working off the provided information.

 

It seems to me he likes your attention but he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

 

I would say without hesitation the best thing for your mental health would be a full blown break from him, because it isn't going to end well.

 

I still don't know why he broke up with me in the first place and I intend to find out, in due time

 

I think you'll be a far happier person if this stops being a priority for you. Consider him a nice memory from your past and invest your time and energy into a happy future.

[toolforgrowth]

I actually get his perspective when he says he's too busy. I got a new job earlier this year and ina single dad every other week; these things keep me busy and are a much higher priority than a relationship. I'm single because of those reasons. My career is my livelihood; a girlfriend isn't. My daughter is my child who I helped bring into this world; a girlfriend isn't.

 

I think it's unrealistic to expect anyone to put their life goals and dreams on hold for someone else. He was honest with you and wants to focus on his career; from my perspective that's admirable and completely understandable, because that's exactly how I feel about my life. Any woman who is truly compatible with me would understand that, and would want to become a part of my life, not be my whole life.

 

I don't think you should wait around for him, but I also think your expectation that he drops everything he wants out of life for you is quite unrealistic.

[Yasuandio]

Simple push-pull dynamics. He pushed, you came closed, now he pulls away, and you come pull close (essentially feel a desire to). Break the chain and old pattern. Back off. Past is past. He insulted you (it hurt - right?). Wanna go back for more?

 

Let him focus on his career right now - and do the friendship routine there. "Sianaro" to him. Pull away - you got other fish to fry, now. Take no breadcrumbs from him.

 

Here are the lyrics to your New Love Song for this guy: "I think I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I think I think so!?!?!?!?"

 

You read me, hon? Yas

[BC1980]

He probably contacted you just to apologize. I think it's very telling that he never came to you and flat out asked for a second chance. There are some people who really feel guilty or actually just want to keep someone on the back burner and stay friends. I don't think his intentions are malicious, but they don't help you to move on.

 

You had no problem telling him you wanted a second chance, so what's his problem? He obviously doesn't want to be with you romantically. If he did, he would jump at the chance you gave him, so I think you need to cut this one loose. Think about it. He dumped you, and you are the one laying the cards out on the table to ask for a second go. He waffles at best. If a dumper really felt he had made a mistake, he would be on his knees thanking you for giving him another chance. His lukewarm response isn't a good sign.

[Amelie1980]

If he broke up with you for no real reason you can bet another woman was involved.

 

Ask him straight up "what do you want from me".

 

Cut the bull **** from him and ask.

[wsrenan]

But the thing is that he did ask for a second chance, 2-3 months ago, in person. I rejected him at that time because I thought his apology wasn't sincere, but when I sat on it and thought about it for awhile and then decided to accept the apology, he decided to pull away. Now he's saying that he meant a second chance to be friends again.

 

And I know he didn't break up with me because of someone else, we have mutual friends who tell me that he's been alone this entire time and very evidently misses me. I hate to admit it to myself but I still have a lot of feelings for him, I just don't know how I can try to be friends with him again without seeming desperate, especially as the one who was broken up with in the first place..

[BC1980]

But the thing is that he did ask for a second chance, 2-3 months ago, in person. I rejected him at that time because I thought his apology wasn't sincere, but when I sat on it and thought about it for awhile and then decided to accept the apology, he decided to pull away. Now he's saying that he meant a second chance to be friends again.

 

So you can't trust him. He sounds wishy washy as h$ll, so I would cut contact. Sounds like something my ex would do. I know you want to, but you can't really trust that he even knows what he wants. You do know, so he has to go.