Complicated Situation: My Story and NC

[RachelJansen]

Day 1 - NC

 

This is my first day of No Contact. I will start by telling you my story.

 

 

:::THE STORY:::

 

 

A year ago, Mr. Jay (42, male) and I (36 F) bonded over the pain of our previous relationships.

 

I thought Mr. Jay was very attractive, and very kind, smart, sweet. He told me I was a very beautiful woman and that if it wasn't for his ex, he would totally date me.

 

 

From the moment we met a year ago, NOT A SINGLE DAY has passed without us touching base with each other several times a day. The majority of the time, we talked several hours a day. We also hung out a lot and discovered we had a lot in common.

 

Slowly, we realized there was something there, but decided to just stay friends, with occasional making out here and there.

 

But as we grew closer emotionally, we also grew closer physically. I was ready for more. He was not.

 

 

:::THE BREAK-UP:::

 

Can I even call it a break-up in this case?

 

A few weeks ago, I went on a date with someone I clicked at a party. Mr. Gatsby told me that it affected him, but wants me to be happy. I asked him how he felt about me dating other people, and he told me that he didn't know, that he was mixed up in his mind and heart, not yet over ex, and just did not want to talk about it.

 

But, after I informed him about the date, he asked me if we could go to the movies together (I was busy, so I declined). Then, he asked me if I was willing to go on a weekend getaway with him.

 

The first day was nice, but the next day was awkward. He had dreamt about the ex and her new boyfriend. He told me about his dream. I was very hurt, but tried to play it cool.

 

He then told me where I stood:

 

 

He thought he was falling in love with me, but it's hard to tell because his ex is still present in his head, that it's like a veil. He said that he would probably be very happy and very in love with me, if circumstances were different

 

 

I had to hold back tears while he told me all this. I went into my shell for the rest of the day and the rest of the trip was awkward and silent, despite a few cute moments here and there. I just didn't feel "connected" to him anymore.

 

So I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore.

 

He dropped me off at home and we then exchanged a few goodbye texts.

 

I don't know what to think about any of this yet. I hope he forgets his ex and realizes he loves me, but I know that it is unrealistic and I need to heal and move on.

 

What do you all think? Is there a chance for us? Should I tell him anything else? Is no contact really the way to go?

 

Until then, I will write my feelings here and try to not go too crazy over no longer being in contact with him.

 

I feel sad.

Edited June 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[RachelJansen]

:::Day 1 - NC (cont'd):::

 

I wonder if I did the right thing or if I should have hung around as his friend until he had a better idea where he is emotionally. Then again, I believe I did the right thing for myself -- I learned a lot about myself, relationships and handling breakups while coping with the heartbreak of my 10-year relationship.

 

I wonder if this guy actually liked me or if I was just a "transition" person. I felt that he liked me and felt things for me. He told me he had feelings for me. He did express he felt weird about me if I started dating others.

 

I feel that he is still processing a lot of pain from his previous relationship. I know how hard it is to forget an ex.

 

I know that I can't wait around for him and that it is best to move on, but I still hope that something...will happen? Am I wrong to feel that this isn't over? That it's just the beginning?

 

I feel sad to have "abandoned" him -- I was there for him every single day for the past 222 days. But he is a big boy who needs to be by himself now.

 

He has not contacted me at all after my "rain" text, which was less than 24 hours ago.

 

I wonder what he is thinking. I wonder if he will miss me. I wonder when and if he will feel an emptiness in his life after a few days of no contact from me.

 

I feel pathetic for having fallen in love and gotten attached to someone who was emotionally unavailable and still pining for his ex.

 

His mixed signals did not help either. When I told him that I had built walls around my heart after my last heartbreak, Mr. Gatsby told me that he wanted to be the one to break them down.

 

I honestly feel that this is a case of right person, wrong time for both of us.

 

At least meeting him and falling in love with him proved to me that I can love again and that I want to love again. And I never would have believed that 222 days ago.

 

Boo. I feel lame and I miss him already.

[ThorntonMelon]

Hi there - I can completely understand what you're feeling and going through.

 

My recommendation is to view it like you are - as evidence you can feel things for someone new, and then just let him go as best you can. Keep busy, find a new penpal to email or text to, hang with the girls, etc. Because you guys are defined by your history. Even if you're meant to be it will have to be after a long break where you can come into it fresh.

 

And for now you can just enjoy life as best you can!

[RachelJansen]

Day 2 - NC

 

Day 2 begins right now. The pain hit me like a ton of bricks when I woke up. I want to send him a song, tell him about something weird I saw, but I can't.

 

I need to forget him and move on with my life. I can't love a guy who is still so in love with his ex.

 

I miss his friendship. I realize now that with my ex of 10 years, it was more my pride that was hurt, whereas with Mr. Gatsby, it is actually my heart. I have no feelings of anger or hate towards him. I only have compassion and understanding because he still has a while to go before he can move on from his previous relationship.

 

I wonder if I could figure out a way to put my romantic feelings aside and just be his friend?

 

I am starting to wonder if breaking off contact was the best idea in this situation.

 

Has anyone ever had a rough start to a good relationship?

[RachelJansen]

Hi there - I can completely understand what you're feeling and going through.

 

My recommendation is to view it like you are - as evidence you can feel things for someone new, and then just let him go as best you can. Keep busy, find a new penpal to email or text to, hang with the girls, etc. Because you guys are defined by your history. Even if you're meant to be it will have to be after a long break where you can come into it fresh.

 

And for now you can just enjoy life as best you can!

 

Thank you for your kind words. Is this a bad history to be defined by?

[ThorntonMelon]

Yes, in my opinion. I think everything right now is a complete mess until you and him get some clarity. I have other thoughts but you need to be in a better place to accept them.

 

If you want more details I am glad to PM, I don't do too much of my life story on the board itself. Understood if you want to leave it here.

[RachelJansen]

Yes, in my opinion. I think everything right now is a complete mess until you and him get some clarity. I have other thoughts but you need to be in a better place to accept them.

 

If you want more details I am glad to PM, I don't do too much of my life story on the board itself. Understood if you want to leave it here.

 

Hey ThrontonMelon,

 

Thank you for your interest in my story.

 

I would be really interested in your thoughts and I think I could try to accept them now, regardless of the place I am in. What are they?

 

You can write them here – perhaps it would also help others going through something similar.

[ThorntonMelon]

Well I will keep my personal info out of this, as I don't do that publicly.

 

I think the "pain" he is processing is a convenient excuse not to commit to you. I'm not saying that makes him a bad person, because it doesn't. But it does mean that you're spending your energy rationalizing behavior that isn't in your interest.

 

He loves your attention, and feels guilty for stringing you along, so he puts his disclaimers about his ex and butterflies and all that stuff out there. But the truth is that as true as all of that stuff is, it isn't helping you.

 

If you ignored his desires and feelings and needs for a minute (I know, hard for you to do, but just go with me here) what would you say about things? I assume you'd say your needs aren't being met. Period. You're meeting his by continuing to be there for him, he continues to push you away.

 

My advice is to only focus on meeting the needs of others when they're making a sincere attempt to meet yours. No rationalizations for his actions, just straight up.

[RachelJansen]

Well I will keep my personal info out of this, as I don't do that publicly.

 

I think the "pain" he is processing is a convenient excuse not to commit to you. I'm not saying that makes him a bad person, because it doesn't. But it does mean that you're spending your energy rationalizing behavior that isn't in your interest.

 

He loves your attention, and feels guilty for stringing you along, so he puts his disclaimers about his ex and butterflies and all that stuff out there. But the truth is that as true as all of that stuff is, it isn't helping you.

 

If you ignored his desires and feelings and needs for a minute (I know, hard for you to do, but just go with me here) what would you say about things? I assume you'd say your needs aren't being met. Period. You're meeting his by continuing to be there for him, he continues to push you away.

 

My advice is to only focus on meeting the needs of others when they're making a sincere attempt to meet yours. No rationalizations for his actions, just straight up.

 

 

You are right, ThorntonMelon. My needs were not exactly being met. I wasn’t asking him for a full-blown commitment yet – I just wanted to see where what I thought we had would go and take it really slow.

 

He did however meet my needs of friendship and of being there when I needed someone to talk to. He would check up on me daily.

 

He told me he was very confused – if the thought of committing to me did not cross his mind, why would he tell me was affected by me starting to see other people?

 

You are right. This is a mess.

[ThorntonMelon]

He did however meet my needs of friendship and of being there when I needed someone to talk to. He would check up on me daily.

 

He told me he was very confused – if the thought of committing to me did not cross his mind, why would he tell me was affected by me starting to see other people?

 

If he was meeting your needs, you wouldn't have broken up and wouldn't be devastated on LS. Trust your gut and instincts here.

 

And who knows why he's acting strangely? Again, his words say "I want you" his actions say otherwise.

 

Not that you probably care, but from a distance this one seems very, very clear to me. He's not into you like you are into him. He likes the attention, and he's willing to manipulate you a bit to keep your attention.

[RachelJansen]

If he was meeting your needs, you wouldn't have broken up and wouldn't be devastated on LS. Trust your gut and instincts here.

 

And who knows why he's acting strangely? Again, his words say "I want you" his actions say otherwise.

 

Not that you probably care, but from a distance this one seems very, very clear to me. He's not into you like you are into him. He likes the attention, and he's willing to manipulate you a bit to keep your attention.

 

 

You are right. He is not as into me as I am into him. Words mean nothing. Actions mean everything.

 

His actions and words are very confusing though, but the reality is what it is: he does not love me the way I love him.

 

I give up on any hope here I guess.

 

I really thought he liked me: the kisses, the invitations to hang out, his expressions of gratitude towards me being in his life, his need to communicate with me daily, the fact that he wanted to share things with me...He did express hope that we end up together...

 

I felt that his feelings for his ex were the only thing preventing him to see where this would go.

 

I did feel we had "something." We connected on so many levels, but I just couldn't measure up to his ex I guess. Also, we are both still picking up the pieces from our previous relationships -- that does not help either.

 

Men, why are you so confused?

[ThorntonMelon]

I did feel we had "something." We connected on so many levels, but I just couldn't measure up to his ex I guess. Also, we are both still picking up the pieces from our previous relationships -- that does not help either.

 

Men, why are you so confused?

 

You connected with him because he could be anyone he wanted to - he never had to commit to you. I guarantee what you saw from him was a facade - a controlled act. I'm not saying he was lying, but he was being who he wanted to be, not who he really was. I guarantee it. Guarantee it.

 

And I bet a million bucks you're better than his ex. The problem is she saw through his bull$hit and you haven't yet. You will. He's not that great a guy. Even though I only see your side of this, I know it. Not hard to figure out.

 

There are a lot of bad men and women out there. They seem "confused" but the reality is they're just out for themselves. Not even in a horrible way.

 

On the other hand there's people like us who don't advocate for our own needs enough.

 

The middle is where it needs to be.

[Purepony]

Something doesn't seem right. I feel like someway somehow his ex is still involved.. maybe they have some bills or obligations together like a home or a car loan etc because for ten months it sounds alot more recent than ten months.

[AnyaNova]

My advice is to only focus on meeting the needs of others when they're making a sincere attempt to meet yours. No rationalizations for his actions, just straight up.

 

This!!!!

 

Thank you. What I should have been doing all of my life and haven't.

[jphcbpa]

Something doesn't seem right. I feel like someway somehow his ex is still involved.. maybe they have some bills or obligations together like a home or a car loan etc because for ten months it sounds alot more recent than ten months.

 

perhaps he never had to take the full time to heal because Rachel was in the picture. He wanted to move on, thought he was ready, but never had too fully because of the attention Rachel was giving him

[RachelJansen]

Something doesn't seem right. I feel like someway somehow his ex is still involved.. maybe they have some bills or obligations together like a home or a car loan etc because for ten months it sounds alot more recent than ten months.

 

His ex is no longer involved with him. She has a new boyfriend -- the guy she left him for and has been with him since they broke up. Her new boyfriend is a friend she has known for years. She even told Mr. Gatsby that she is happy with her new guy and that things are solid between them. She has also known her new guy for waaay longer than she's known Mr.

 

BUT! She has contacted him every now and then (through text) for ego boosts: "What's up?" & "Merry Christmas" etc. Before our weekend getaway, she contacted him via text to wish him happy birthday. I think that may have messed him up and make him wonder a bit, possibly: "Hey, if she is wishing me happy birthday, it means we are on speaking terms!" I don't know.

 

I think his ego is hurt. He thought they were going to spend their lives together, but she did not feel the same way. His ex is also really beautiful, well from what I could gather from the pictures he showed me of her. So maybe he misses that? But I am told I am pretty beautiful myself. Anyways, all girls are beautiful!

 

Maybe he wants to be with someone who is a little "crazy" and he confuses that with passion/love or something?

[ThorntonMelon]

I think his ego is hurt. He thought they were going to spend their lives together, but she did not feel the same way. His ex is also really beautiful, well from what I could gather from the pictures he showed me of her. So maybe he misses that? But I am told I am pretty beautiful myself. Anyways, all girls are beautiful!

 

Maybe he wants to be with someone who is a little "crazy" and he confuses that with passion/love or something?

 

You're looking for answers, but the problem is you're not even aware of the question.

 

He's a user. Really. He's not the guy you think he is. I am BEGGING you to give this situation some space. You're trying to read his mind, and the truth is that his actions speak clearly. He liked your attention. He wasn't into you that way, and selfishly he kept you on the leash. You showed the strength to get off the leash.

 

Stay off it.

[RachelJansen]

You connected with him because he could be anyone he wanted to - he never had to commit to you. I guarantee what you saw from him was a facade - a controlled act. I'm not saying he was lying, but he was being who he wanted to be, not who he really was. I guarantee it. Guarantee it.

 

And I bet a million bucks you're better than his ex. The problem is she saw through his bull$hit and you haven't yet. You will. He's not that great a guy. Even though I only see your side of this, I know it. Not hard to figure out.

 

There are a lot of bad men and women out there. They seem "confused" but the reality is they're just out for themselves. Not even in a horrible way.

 

On the other hand there's people like us who don't advocate for our own needs enough.

 

The middle is where it needs to be.

 

It's interesting that you are saying what you are saying. I wondered if his ex saw through something that I am not seeing.

 

Now that I think of it, she probably noticed that he was lazy and undecided about what he wants out if life -- I noticed that he is a bit all over the place in his life in many areas: emotionally, financially, healthwise, careerwise....

 

He also has a physical issue that contributes to his low self-esteem and makes him not want to go out as much. I am thinking that this is probably why she left -- she must have gotten bored of that, and wanted someone who was a bit more active in life.

 

He also went a bit crazy scary clingy after their break-up. He hates himself for this to this day and regrets not going NC right away.

 

I did not mind his health issue and would have had no problem dealing with it if anything would have come of this.

 

However, we all have our faults and misgivings, and I chose to focus on his beautiful qualities, of which he does have many. I liked him in all his complexity.

 

Sometimes I wonder if he did it on purpose to bring up his ex to me so much, knowing that I had feelings for him. Maybe he hoped it would kill any feelings I had for him. If that is the case, he is succeeding.

 

And yet, he was flirty, attentionate, wanted to hang out with me, share things with me and hoped that something would come of us...

 

Ugh. What a mess.

 

I am staying strong and not contacting him. I am not even sure I want to at this point.

[RachelJansen]

perhaps he never had to take the full time to heal because Rachel was in the picture. He wanted to move on, thought he was ready, but never had too fully because of the attention Rachel was giving him

 

I have wondered about this. I think me stepping out of his way is the best thing for both of us right now. It's sad, but the healthy thing to do.

 

What makes you think this though?

[RachelJansen]

You're looking for answers, but the problem is you're not even aware of the question.

 

He's a user. Really. He's not the guy you think he is. I am BEGGING you to give this situation some space. You're trying to read his mind, and the truth is that his actions speak clearly. He liked your attention. He wasn't into you that way, and selfishly he kept you on the leash. You showed the strength to get off the leash.

 

Stay off it.

 

 

I promise I will stay off the leash.

 

Thank you for saying that I am strong for getting off the leash.

 

I feel empowered.

 

I deserve better.

[RachelJansen]

I know you're all going to have your own opinions about this, but I did feel there was "something" there and the potential for more.

 

I am tempted to do the following:

 

- take some time to myself to think

- contact him and just be friends

 

I am hoping that if we just stay friends, we have a better chance to truly develop something. I read somewhere that it is not a good idea to cut a man off if you want him back. Is that true?

 

But I am not sure if it would be a good idea to do so.

 

If I do that, I feel like I would be once again going above and beyond for some guy, and I am tired of that.

[mkrainy]

my story is actually similar as yours except i met him through a frd and we got closed instantly but i walked away 1.5 mths because he said he's not ready but then contact him after that becoz i missed him so much..then all the drama becoz i couldnt keep track my emotion..now after i told him i still had feeling and he said he just wanted to be friend..although we didn't say no contact but i am.now.start to distant myself....though miss him crazily....

 

time will heal..if its.mean to be, someone you will know why everything happens. your story make me think abt my own.situation as well.

[jphcbpa]

I have wondered about this. I think me stepping out of his way is the best thing for both of us right now. It's sad, but the healthy thing to do.

 

What makes you think this though?

 

he never got to that bottomed out point of being okay with being alone, he had lady attention (aka crutch)

[RachelJansen]

he never got to that bottomed out point of being okay with being alone, he had lady attention (aka crutch)

 

Crutch is right. I was there to listen to him, comfort him and change his ideas.

[RachelJansen]

I wonder if he even misses me. I duspect he took me gor granted...or maybe he was afraid that I would also eventually hurt him?