jelloparty Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 (edited) My ex and I had been dating for nearly a year, we both enjoy each other's company and have a lot in common. Our relationship was the kind where we could sit around all day and not do anything but still have the best of time with eachother. We both thought we were perfect for each other and really cared for one another. A few months later after being so 'perfect' this girl tried getting involved who they have had a past together. She would text him asking to hang out and he would deny and not see her. I became very skeptical about it and started getting bitter towards him after I wondered who she was or why she would text him so much why wouldn't he delete her number. I asked his friends many of his friends had told me that shes had always loved him but he never loved her he didnt want any more then a hook up with her. So why would he keep her around? She became very pushy and started buying him concert tickets to his favorite bands just for him and her. And he actually wanted to go to one concert for his absolute favorite band he told me it's just for the band and he didn't even care about her. We fought I didn't like the thought of them two alone knowing that she is very eager to be with him. After that we started fighting a lot. I guess it was my fault because I started feeling scared and started being mean to him about the hole girl thing. I started being distant because I didn't understand why he kept talking to this girl.why she was so desperate to break us up and hang out with him. And I just wanted to protect myself because I can't cope with the feeling of being betrayed and cheated on. They always texted I'm not the kind of person to ask for his phone so I don't know what they would talk about. For about 3 months we became distant and fought all the time. Then I found out that he was talking to this girl texting her he wanted to cheat on me and ect. With her Because I didn't satisfy him and our relationship was going down hill. Of course I left him when she emailed me the proof. She even told me they never did anything but she was flaunting to me how much he loved her so I dumped him. She had won. A couple weeks without talking he called me and confessed that the only reason why he did what he did was because he wasn't happy how we've been and he felt alone. I know some was my fault but I just didn't understand why he didn't stop talking to her. It's been a hole month and I gave him the chance to prove it was a mistake he changed his phone number so she can't contact him and offered to give me his password to all his social sites but I denied his offer because I'm not the kind of person to snoop around. I'd like to trust him he blocked her on everything but it still doesn't make sense why they've kept In touch during out realtionship if he knew she was trying to break us up Is this all a mistake or should I leave him. He seriously regrets keeping her around. Edited June 23, 2014 by jelloparty Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 I have a question before anyone chimes in and gives an opinion... what would you like to do?.I mean would you rather stay and fix things or move on? Aside everything what would you like to do 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jelloparty Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 I have a question before anyone chimes in and gives an opinion... what would you like to do?.I mean would you rather stay and fix things or move on? Aside everything what would you like to do I'd love to work things out with him he is a good guy. I just don't understand why he'd text her those things I'm just worried jumping back into our relationship is a unhealthy thing to do Link to post Share on other sites
redbaron005 Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Good guys don't text other women that they want to cheat with them. I think you should strongly consider leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Redbaron its easier said than done. There could be a good side to this too it can make the relationship better. I'm in a similar situation which is why I'm following. Link to post Share on other sites
Mondmellonw Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 The bad thing here is: How to know if he is being 100% honest? And you don't want to feel skeptical forever. It would be hard to live that way. I had a similar experience with my ex. But the "other" girl involved was an ex who cheated on him. When I got tired of him unblocking her and not being able to cut ties (because of his stupid ego) I broke up with him. Two months after our BU, he slept with her. Another two months passed and he got a new gf, but tried to apologize to me for everything and to get back with me. I'll just give you one solid advice: Think of yourself. Are you sure you can trust the guy? If not, don't even think about getting back. It will consume you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jelloparty Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 The bad thing here is: How to know if he is being 100% honest? And you don't want to feel skeptical forever. It would be hard to live that way. I had a similar experience with my ex. But the "other" girl involved was an ex who cheated on him. When I got tired of him unblocking her and not being able to cut ties (because of his stupid ego) I broke up with him. Two months after our BU, he slept with her. Another two months passed and he got a new gf, but tried to apologize to me for everything and to get back with me. I'll just give you one solid advice: Think of yourself. Are you sure you can trust the guy? If not, don't even think about getting back. It will consume you. Thank you for your advice. And ya I don't want to be in a relationship if I can't fully trust my partner. But I feel like he is sincerely sorry. He's been acting so much diffrent and has nothing but respect for me. I left him of course but he hasn't talked to any girls since and changed his phone number so she can't contact him. I think he realized what he did and he confesses to everything and told me everything between them two even though it was hard for me to hear xD so I don't know it's a tricky situation I'm just scared Link to post Share on other sites
Author jelloparty Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 Good guys don't text other women that they want to cheat with them. I think you should strongly consider leaving. I agree completely! That is why I left him. But he confronted me and told me that he didn't realize how much he loved me and he didn't think it threw texting her. So I don't know I feel like it was a mistake because he didnt actually go see her he just felt alone ahh I'm so confused and frustrated xD Link to post Share on other sites
Author jelloparty Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 Redbaron its easier said than done. There could be a good side to this too it can make the relationship better. I'm in a similar situation which is why I'm following. I feel like it it could have been a mistake and hopefully they've learned and didn't realize what they have been doing until we left? But we should still keep our guard up so we don't get hurt again! Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Thank you for your advice. And ya I don't want to be in a relationship if I can't fully trust my partner. But I feel like he is sincerely sorry. He's been acting so much diffrent and has nothing but respect for me. I left him of course but he hasn't talked to any girls since and changed his phone number so she can't contact him. I think he realized what he did and he confesses to everything and told me everything between them two even though it was hard for me to hear xD so I don't know it's a tricky situation I'm just scared Having experienced cheating, it's the norm for a cheater to be back in your life making extreme promises to change. It's their way of regaining your trust so things can resume to what they were. He may be sincere. He may not be. You're scared. Understandable but no matter what advice is given on here, this is a decision you have to make on your own. You and only you can decide if you can trust him again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jelloparty Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 Could it have been an immature mistake because if he was willing to cheat or whatever why would he even be with me or try so hard to make it work? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jelloparty Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 Having experienced cheating, it's the norm for a cheater to be back in your life making extreme promises to change. It's their way of regaining your trust so things can resume to what they were. He may be sincere. He may not be. You're scared. Understandable but no matter what advice is given on here, this is a decision you have to make on your own. You and only you can decide if you can trust him again. Thank you for talking to me, I've never been cheated on or cheated so this is new to me. It's horrible. And I feel like I can trust him but I don't want to be naive Is it possible to work it out with a cheater though would they ever be faithful or will it always be like this Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Is it possible to work it out with a cheater though would they ever be faithful or will it always be like this I don't know. No one can predict that for you. The only way you can tell if he's honest is by taking that risk. I experienced two cheaters in my life. The first cheated again. The second never got the second chance that he wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Could it have been an immature mistake because if he was willing to cheat or whatever why would he even be with me or try so hard to make it work? It's not the exception. It's the rule. My cheater wanted to grow old with me. He still cheated. Then made the promises and still cheated. They cheat and they still come back to you for many reasons -- familiarity, comfort, availability, etc. I don't know why he's come back into your life and it if it is legitimate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jelloparty Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 It's not the exception. It's the rule. My cheater wanted to grow old with me. He still cheated. Then made the promises and still cheated. They cheat and they still come back to you for many reasons -- familiarity, comfort, availability, etc. I don't know why he's come back into your life and it if it is legitimate. Ya I thought about that to. It's so annoying if you're going to cheat then don't be in a relationship xD. My current ex really regrets it though and opened up about everything that's why I am considering a second chance but not for a while.. I just don't even know anymore. I really feel like he's sincerely sorry and regrets and hopefully learned from his mistakes but I still got to watch out for my sake. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Ya I thought about that to. It's so annoying if you're going to cheat then don't be in a relationship xD. My current ex really regrets it though and opened up about everything that's why I am considering a second chance but not for a while.. I just don't even know anymore. I really feel like he's sincerely sorry and regrets and hopefully learned from his mistakes but I still got to watch out for my sake. Unfortunately, not everyone is going to be morally on point. My question to you is is everytime he has strife in his relationship with you, is it an excuse to cheat? Using it as an excuse is a red flag. And blaming you and the relationship for his actions is a bigger red flag. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jelloparty Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 (edited) Unfortunately, not everyone is going to be morally on point. My question to you is is everytime he has strife in his relationship with you, is it an excuse to cheat? Using it as an excuse is a red flag. And blaming you and the relationship for his actions is a bigger red flag. He didn't blame it on me he says he's stupid and he didn't think it threw he also said he texted her because our relationship was just bad and instead of working it out he did the immature thing to do. I did treat him poorly but it isn't an excuse to cheat Our relationship was a little rocky towards the end but I didn't expect him to do what he did. Edited June 23, 2014 by jelloparty Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Then I found out that he was talking to this girl texting her he wanted to cheat on me and ect. With her Because I didn't satisfy him and our relationship was going down hill. You said that he cheated because you didn't satisfy him and the relationship was dragging him down. You are what makes that relationship. You didn't satisfy him enough to stop him from cheating on you. That is what you said. There is no valid reason that warrants cheating other than a person choosing and wanting to do so for their own selfish needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jelloparty Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 You said that he cheated because you didn't satisfy him and the relationship was dragging him down. You are what makes that relationship. You didn't satisfy him enough to stop him from cheating on you. That is what you said. There is no valid reason that warrants cheating other than a person choosing and wanting to do so for their own selfish needs. Ya that is what the girl told me that I didn't satisfy him I guess it isn't a good idea to get back with him it just kind of sucks because he is a good guy Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 (edited) Ya that is what the girl told me that I didn't satisfy him I guess it isn't a good idea to get back with him it just kind of sucks because he is a good guy He's a good guy based on the first few months that you were together, thriving on the feel-good emotions of a new relationship? Could it be that you've formed an image in your mind. I just don't know if good guys cheat -- the thing is he was feeding the lie for awhile. It's not like it was a one time thing. He even wanted to go to the concert because he could get a free ticket -- did he think about leading her on, hurting her feelings, hurting yours? Whose wellbeing was he looking out for here? The idealization of the good times you had with him during the honeymoon, when people are on their best behavior or is he truly a good person based on his morals and values, his ability to respect, love and be loyal? The need to set boundaries and commit to securing a relationship with you rather than fostering doubt and deceit? Edited June 23, 2014 by Zahara Link to post Share on other sites
Author jelloparty Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 (edited) He's a good guy based on the first few months that you were together, thriving on the feel-good emotions of a new relationship? Could it be that you've formed an image in your mind. I just don't know if good guys cheat -- the thing is he was feeding the lie for awhile. It's not like it was a one time thing. He even wanted to go to the concert because he could get a free ticket -- did he think about leading her on, hurting her feelings, hurting yours? The idealization of the good times you had with him during the honeymoon, when people are on their best behavior or is he truly a good person based on his morals and values, his ability to respect, love and be loyal? The need to set boundaries and commit to securing a relationship with you rather than fostering doubt and deceit? Once I found out about him texting her those things his good boy image shattered for me. Trust me I don't think of him as highly as I did before. The only reason why I state that he is a good boy is because he is after we broke up he wasn't like "whatever I don't need you" he's trying and he seems sensitive. He has a lot of respect for me and he's a family kind of man who focuses alot on his career and family that is why I state he is a good man. He did mess up with us though and he knows I think very low of him now he's not mad he accepts it and tells me that he feels even worse then I do because he is the one who did what he did he's embarrassed of his actions And for that girl I always considered her feelings he lead her on big time to get what he want he called her and told her he used her and apologized and officially broke their friendship off for good. . Edited June 23, 2014 by jelloparty Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 The only reason why I state he is a good boy is because he is after we broke up he wasn't like "whatever I don't need you" he's trying and he seems sensitive. He has a lot of respect for me and he's a family kind of man who focuses alot on his career and family that is why I state he is a good man. His post-cheating behavior isn't indicative of a good person. When a man has a lot of respect for you, they don't cheat on you. They don't use another person to get their needs fulfilled. They don't make the person they respect and love insecure in the relationship. Sensitive and respect should have been bestowed on you during the relationship, not when he's been caught cheating and he wants a second chance. Focusing on family and career doesn't say anything about him. There are married men that cheat, have good careers -- it doesn't define their moral compass. You have to do what you need to do for yourself. As I said before, no amount of advice can help you. You have to take the risk to know if it's a reward. I hope you are able to make a decision and move forward, whatever it is. Good luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jelloparty Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 His post-cheating behavior isn't indicative of a good person. When a man has a lot of respect for you, they don't cheat on you. They don't use another person to get their needs fulfilled. They don't make the person they respect and love insecure in the relationship. Sensitive and respect should have been bestowed on you during the relationship, not when he's been caught cheating and he wants a second chance. Focusing on family and career doesn't say anything about him. There are married men that cheat, have good careers -- it doesn't define their moral compass. You have to do what you need to do for yourself. As I said before, no amount of advice can help you. You have to take the risk to know if it's a reward. I hope you are able to make a decision and move forward, whatever it is. Good luck to you! Thank you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Cam I ask what emotions you felt after all this jello? Also what went thru your head the time after the break up because you said he called a few weeks later ... what did you do feel or think during those few weeks? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author jelloparty Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 Cam I ask what emotions you felt after all this jello? Also what went thru your head the time after the break up because you said he called a few weeks later ... what did you do feel or think during those few weeks? Thanks I was devastated when I saw the messages from my boyfriend to another girl. I felt betrayed I thought everything I thought he was a lie. When he and I weren't talking for weeks I was completely depressed I was crying I didn't understand why it all happened or where it came from it was horrible. Why? If I may ask Link to post Share on other sites
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