3 months, NC broken. Thoughts?

[MonWedFri]

After 3 years together, my ex and I split up. We both agreed that the relationship was not working due to various factors despite our love for eachother. I was the one who initiated the splitting up and she, although she acknowledged our relationship's problems, did not want to split.

 

After two months, I decided that the relationship was something I still wanted to work at and I knew the reason we parted was not because we did not deeply love each other. I broke NC 2.5 months after the split with a phone call. At the end of the phone call, I suggested we meet up. We met up in person where we had a great time and great chemistry as though nothing had happened. During this meeting I poured my heart out and said I wanted to get back together. In this meeting, there was a kiss and hugging but nothing more.

 

During that night spent talking together, she acknowledged that the love was still there, but she was just beginning to start the process of getting over me. She revealed she had gone on a handful of dates with someone else because she felt so low post-breakup and needed a way distract herself and feel good about herself/emotionally stable again. During our meeting and after our kiss, said she was confused about her feelings. She said if this guy was out of the picture then she "probably would get back together with [me]". She said they had only went on dates and had gotten to the point of kissing, but it was only dating and she had "a crush" on him. However, during our time together it was like old times. We were holding hands and before we shared a very long embrace where she said "I don't want to let you go."

 

Later that night she called me and said she had broken it off with this other guy. She said she decided that the best rational choice for herself would be to be alone for the summer, not talking to either of us. She said that she and I could "maybe talk after summer, maybe".

 

For context, both of us were to be in different states during the summer. We both knew that months before the breakup happened. The only contact we had after the phone call the night that we saw eachother was through text messages the day of our flights wishing eachother well with the flight and with the summer. She texted me as my flight out of the state was first, but we only exchanged formalities and she didn't seem to want to converse beyond those in my sense. Given that things were fun and went well when we saw each other and given that she ended this rebound dating and given not too much time has passed since we broke up....My question is how do I go about trying to get her back?

 

I know unequivocally that I want to rekindle things. Any advice on how to do so would be appreciated. Should I take her words at face value that she wants to be alone during the summer? Some advice from female friends has been that she could be saying that, but she really wants me to make the effort to speak to her. Should I wait until after the summer to increase my chances? Or should I try and play the texting game until we can see each other again?

Edited June 16, 2014 by MonWedFri

[PhillyConnection23]

I hate the mind game stuff. "I need to be alone for a few months but secretly I want you to fight for me or try to talk to me."

 

My suggestion? Give her space but check in after a while to see how she is doing or if she wants to meet up real quick. If not, just keep giving her space.

 

Don't come off as clingy or jealous. Be confident in yourself. Spend this time working out, enjoying your summer.

[MonWedFri]

I hate the mind game stuff. "I need to be alone for a few months but secretly I want you to fight for me or try to talk to me."

 

My suggestion? Give her space but check in after a while to see how she is doing or if she wants to meet up real quick. If not, just keep giving her space.

 

Don't come off as clingy or jealous. Be confident in yourself. Spend this time working out, enjoying your summer.

 

Thanks PhillyConnection! I hate it too, but apparently it really exists according to some.

 

Will giving her space help me get her back, or do I have no choice?

 

I can no longer be jealous, because there is no one else to be jealous of. I'm gathering you think I should do NC for the rest of the summer and meet up real quick...because that's best for her or best for our chances of existing amidst each other's love again?

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude, you sound like you want to trick her into coming back to you, which is absolutely the wrong way to go about it. She said she needed space, so give her space. Get your crap together and talk to her at the end of the summer like she asked. If your meeting was really as good as you say it is, then you'll want it to marinate for a while. Hell, she might be the one to come back and contact you.

 

But get this stupid "text game" crap out of your head. She asked to be left alone until the end of the summer, so do it.

[David87]

Start NC my friend.

[mangetout]

I personally would go NC immediately. I wouldn't give her the option that you are available. This is the only way she will begin to really miss you.

 

 

She obviously enjoyed dating so it sounds like she needs an ego boost. I am guessing she is using this space to do more of it. If you are still hanging around in the background so she has the best of both worlds.

 

 

This will hinder you both getting back together!

[yololin]

To be honest... After 3 years of being together, neither of you know truly what you want and what you feel. It's a confusing space.

 

She's thinking about this nc break to clear her head so she can think straight without the cloud of neediness and emotions all up in there. And you need to think about it too.. What are your reasons for breaking up originally, and what are your reasons for wanting to get back with her?

 

I think if you want you can probably persuade her to get back with you. The feelings will not disappear so soon. But you gotta ask yourself if it's the right thing to do. For you and for her. I think you should honour the period of separation. If it can't last the summer then let it be.

[MonWedFri]

Dude, you sound like you want to trick her into coming back to you, which is absolutely the wrong way to go about it. She said she needed space, so give her space. Get your crap together and talk to her at the end of the summer like she asked. If your meeting was really as good as you say it is, then you'll want it to marinate for a while. Hell, she might be the one to come back and contact you.

 

But get this stupid "text game" crap out of your head. She asked to be left alone until the end of the summer, so do it.

 

Thanks, Phoenix!

 

My crap? I don't want any tricks at all. I was simply wondering whether contacting her in any form would be a wise choice from the standpoint of getting her back given our personal relationship history/situation. I know she said she wants to be alone for the summer, so I'm just asking for external opinions of what that might mean for us or her intentions.

Edited June 19, 2014 by MonWedFri

[MonWedFri]

Any more thoughts, awesome people?

[Frank13]

OMG, how did everyone miss what she really said?

 

Let me translate it -

 

She said "I really didn't break it off with the other guy. I want to date and bang him throughout the summer. By then I should know if I want to stay with him, and if it doesn't work out, I know you will be wating as my backup plan since you poured your heart out. I just can't tell you that because if you knew then you wouldn't wait around for me."

 

She is confused between two guys and decides it would be best not to date either one of them? Yeah right!

 

Did you ever go to eat and couldn't decide between two good entrees so decided not to eat at all? Of course not.

 

She spelled this out to you so clearly that you don't even have to read between the lines.

 

She tells you if he were out of the picture, she would be with you. Then she breaks it off with him (so he is now out of the picture) and not only doesn't she want to be with you, she doesn't even want to talk to you until after summer.

 

Then she says "Maybe after summer you can talk". She said "MAYBE" because it all depends whether it works out with the new guy. After summer when she is still with him and you tell her that she said you two could talk after summer she is going to say "No, I said MAYBE".

 

You are her plan B. You poured your heart out to her. She knows she can have you if she wants. Don't give her that option.

 

Tell he you aren't a fool, aren't waiting around, and good luck with the new guy during the summer.

 

Then go NC. This is the only chance of getting her back.

Edited June 30, 2014 by Frank13

[Doicare]

I agree somewhat with Phillyconnection.

 

You did break up with her. Now it's a little odd, because she has left a semi open door for you.

 

I would therefore play it casual and check in from time to time (i.e. maybe sometime about a week later). If she's receptive then call about a week after that. and see how that goes. if she stops initiating, after 3 weeks I would wait 2 weeks, then 3.

 

After the second call maybe suggest meeting up, and plan something fun and no pressure.

 

you have to keep it light, and no relationship talk, but you can be flirty and touch her a bit. make it like a casual date and just focus on having fun.

 

She has to see how you've changed and you have to make her feel that you are a better version of the guy you were. dont be angry, or pressure her.

 

You burnt her once, it could likely be she's hesitant. I would be. Show her through your actions, NOT words.

[leavesonautumn]

Never put your life on hold for anybody! I did that for 5 years and I don't even know how to possibly move on at this point or if I want to.

 

Start NC and try to meet people even if a relationship is not what you're looking for. Just see what else is out there. I'd suggest not contacting her again.

 

There was a reason you two had initially split in the first place. Try to focus on this and remind yourself that there was a part of you who knew it was best to move on from the relationship. It's okay to still love her and still feel chemistry, that's natural. You may always love her but there is a huge part of you who will be able to love someone new when it comes to it!

[MonWedFri]

OMG, how did everyone miss what she really said?

 

Let me translate it -

 

She said "I really didn't break it off with the other guy. I want to date and bang him throughout the summer. By then I should know if I want to stay with him, and if it doesn't work out, I know you will be wating as my backup plan since you poured your heart out. I just can't tell you that because if you knew then you wouldn't wait around for me."

 

She is confused between two guys and decides it would be best not to date either one of them? Yeah right!

 

Did you ever go to eat and couldn't decide between two good entrees so decided not to eat at all? Of course not.

 

She spelled this out to you so clearly that you don't even have to read between the lines.

 

She tells you if he were out of the picture, she would be with you. Then she breaks it off with him (so he is now out of the picture) and not only doesn't she want to be with you, she doesn't even want to talk to you until after summer.

 

Then she says "Maybe after summer you can talk". She said "MAYBE" because it all depends whether it works out with the new guy. After summer when she is still with him and you tell her that she said you two could talk after summer she is going to say "No, I said MAYBE".

 

You are her plan B. You poured your heart out to her. She knows she can have you if she wants. Don't give her that option.

 

Tell he you aren't a fool, aren't waiting around, and good luck with the new guy during the summer.

 

Then go NC. This is the only chance of getting her back.

 

I'm certain she was telling the truth. It's been verified. However, I am glad you caught my leaving out this detail. Trust me, before I knew that she was telling the truth, a couple close friends told gave me the exact talk.

 

Knowing that she actually did break it off, does that change your advice?

[Frank13]

She also told you if the other guy wasn't in the picture, she would be with you and that didn't turn out to be true.

 

I am curious what you are using as verification. If you have mutual friends that she knows might tell you, she may be keeping the other guy a secret. Things just don't add up.

 

No my advice doesn't change. She wants her space until after summer. Contacting her is only going to push her away. Also it is not going to allow her to miss you.

[MonWedFri]

She also told you if the other guy wasn't in the picture, she would be with you and that didn't turn out to be true.

 

I am curious what you are using as verification. If you have mutual friends that she knows might tell you, she may be keeping the other guy a secret. Things just don't add up.

 

No my advice doesn't change. She wants her space until after summer. Contacting her is only going to push her away. Also it is not going to allow her to miss you.

 

Okay, thank you then, I respect your input/advice, Frank13.

 

She wasn't saying that first part as a guarantee, she was just explaining where she was at emotionally. She is understandably confused and at a crossroads. I understand why a person would want to be alone to figure things out for the summer, but I'm just questioning if I should make that pause myself and wait at this semi open door for this amazing girl when, one would think, time could snatch a chance away.

 

But, the tradeoff is there. Contacting her could push her away, but not contacting her could reinforce her comfort with distance.

 

Just for info's sake. 4 months since we broke up, about five weeks since we saw each other.

[Simon Phoenix]

Okay, thank you then, I respect your input/advice, Frank13.

 

She wasn't saying that first part as a guarantee, she was just explaining where she was at emotionally. She is understandably confused and at a crossroads. I understand why a person would want to be alone to figure things out for the summer, but I'm just questioning if I should make that pause myself and wait at this semi open door for this amazing girl when, one would think, time could snatch a chance away.

 

But, the tradeoff is there. Contacting her could push her away, but not contacting her could reinforce her comfort with distance.

 

Just for info's sake. 4 months since we broke up, about five weeks since we saw each other.

 

Neediness is never a good thing. Don't overthink this. She said wait till summer was over, so why wouldn't you do that? The "check in" doesn't remind them how much they love you -- it's much more likely to bother them and make them annoyed or make them think that you're just a platonic buddy.

 

Honestly, you need to resist the urge to meddle and manipulate. If no contact makes her "forget" about you (though that never happens), then do you really want that person? And do you honestly think that they'll be 180 degrees different in contact? If you do, I have some oceanfront property in Arizona to sell you.

 

If a reconciliation is going to work, she has to want it on her own free will, not be tricked, coerced, or manipulated by it. You have to resist this urge to meddle and let things happen on their own momentum.

[Sunbathe]

I would respect her wishes and not contact her until summer is over. Like others have mentioned, giving her space is not going to make her forget you... and if it does, she is not the girl for you anyways. Take the summer to focus on yourself and attend to your own health and well-being. Stay active, go out with friends, and have fun! Try to put her out of your mind in the mean time. If by the end of the summer you still want to contact her and reconnect, go for it. But who knows, maybe by then your own desire to continue the relationship may wane. Either way you will okay

[MonWedFri]

I would respect her wishes and not contact her until summer is over. Like others have mentioned, giving her space is not going to make her forget you... and if it does, she is not the girl for you anyways. Take the summer to focus on yourself and attend to your own health and well-being. Stay active, go out with friends, and have fun! Try to put her out of your mind in the mean time. If by the end of the summer you still want to contact her and reconnect, go for it. But who knows, maybe by then your own desire to continue the relationship may wane. Either way you will okay

 

Thanks, Sunbathe. Others, too!

 

My thoughts were not regarding, in my view, manipulation of the situation. I just thought maybe if we got to chatting we would both quickly remember and re-experience the love and connection that we have always had. Then she might more seriously consider something real after we were in the same place again after summer. Or she might realize that she does in fact want to for sure go into the open door that I opened on my end for a new relationship. My logic was that maybe she would want to talk to me and enjoy doing so.

 

I guess the consensus, though, has been to wait. I think I'll do so, as much uncertainty about it as I have and as much pain it brings me. I hope she calls/texts, but I am doubtful. I should have never let her go, but I have to put my mind elsewhere for now.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks, Sunbathe. Others, too!

 

My thoughts were not regarding, in my view, manipulation of the situation. I just thought maybe if we got to chatting we would both quickly remember and re-experience the love and connection that we have always had. Then she might more seriously consider something real after we were in the same place again after summer. Or she might realize that she does in fact want to for sure go into the open door that I opened on my end for a new relationship. My logic was that maybe she would want to talk to me and enjoy doing so.

 

I guess the consensus, though, has been to wait. I think I'll do so, as much uncertainty about it as I have and as much pain it brings me. I hope she calls/texts, but I am doubtful. I should have never let her go, but I have to put my mind elsewhere for now.

 

You can't force someone to feel a certain way. It's a lot more effective if they come to that conclusion on their own. She gave you a request to hang back, so hang back. She knows you want to talk. If she wants to talk to you, she will on her own volition. And if she does naturally, any positive vibes she feels from you will be a heck of a lot more effective.

[MonWedFri]

I would respect her wishes and not contact her until summer is over. Like others have mentioned, giving her space is not going to make her forget you... and if it does, she is not the girl for you anyways. Take the summer to focus on yourself and attend to your own health and well-being. Stay active, go out with friends, and have fun! Try to put her out of your mind in the mean time. If by the end of the summer you still want to contact her and reconnect, go for it. But who knows, maybe by then your own desire to continue the relationship may wane. Either way you will okay

 

Any advice on how to connect at end of the summer after having respected her wishes?

[MonWedFri]

Any thoughts on how to reconcile now that I'm sure I'm waiting until we are both back in our hometown?

 

Reinitiate with a text? Or a phone call?

[Simon Phoenix]

Any thoughts on how to reconcile now that I'm sure I'm waiting until we are both back in our hometown?

 

Reinitiate with a text? Or a phone call?

 

The summer isn't over dude. Why the hell would you consider breaking NC? Let her make the move.