Cant understand what my ex wants

[Mel-96]

My ex broke up with me 2 months ago after being together for a year and a half, his reasons were he felt like I wasn't happy anymore and we would both probably be happier if we separated. Things were fine a week before the breakup, we had a few arguments but nothing big. After the breakup we stayed in contact. We hung out, texted and everything. Most of the time we spoke about why it didn't work out and what went wrong. We both tried no contact but that only lasted couple of days. After that we had lunch and things felt almost normal, they were so nice and he text me after saying we should do that again sometime. In this time he turned 18 started using drugs (something I stopped him from doing whilst we were together). I tried to get us back together but he had no interest, but he keeps saying "if we found our way back one day he would be really happy." This is all confusing me, he still says he loves me and everything. It wasn't until last weekend, he started being a little distant. Not responding to texts, getting snappy and unfollowing me on instagram. I'm not sure what made his behaviour change. I want him back so bad, I love him.

 

I'm also beginning to believe he broke up with me because he wanted that freedom that being 18 gives you. I don't understand the sudden change in behaviour and I could also use some advice on winning him back.

[Philomena_Pond]

You guys are pretty young. I think there is a lot of disillusionment about the 'freedom' that 18 can give you. Really, all you can do is stay out past midnight, smoke cigs, and rent porn. In all reality, you're still a little kid.

 

It sucks because you don't realize it until you are much older…I thought I had life figured out at 18 and I'm a totally different person now at 27.

 

Anyway, I think if he isn't sure then just let him do his own thing. You guys may have found each other too early in your life to be able to commit to each other in the way you need to. Ending it on good terms now and maybe giving each other a little space to grow is essential if you two are ever going to get back together. You two have so much growing to do and it would be best if you are distant so that neither one of you accidentally hurts the other.

 

You seem really mature for your age. Just wanted to throw that out there. I can tell you are an old soul for how you are explaining your situation.

 

I think guys know that they are in the midst of change a lot better than girls do. Girls kinda think we have it all together, but we don't. We don't realize the change that is happening and kind of deny that we need it.

 

Just a little insight to the differences that I've experienced in the last 10 years.

 

17 - entered college (Catholic, slept with one guy ever, wore turtlenecks and a cross around my neck…listened to classic rock and classical music mainly). Had major anger problems, very naive…very clueless.

19 - started dating a guy in a band, got enveloped into the Detroit Music scene, denounced my religion (that I had questioned most my life).

20 - was in a band, changed my degree to psychology

21 - was in two bands, cut my long hair (cut 15 inches off) and got one of those fashion mullets lol

23 - broke up with 4 year boyfriend, slept with rock stars and was manic depressed for a year. Went on Zoloft and found myself through sleeping around and getting my heart obliterated. Smoked cigs for the first time (not addicted, just when drinking) did cocaine. (if you would have ever asked me at 17 if I would have ever been like that….you have no idea how I would have rejected that idea. At 17 I figured I'd be married at this age.)

25 - 27 Ended a relationship with a very abusive boyfriend, got out of the music scene and became a social worker. Dated a rich graphic designer, hated social work…did it for two years and decided I needed to be creative (music / art). Realized that I had only done psychology because it was "safe" and decided I didn't want to continue with that anymore. Changed my career to graphic design and advertising, started doing yoga. Shed my anger issues as I realized a lot about my past and my parents that I hadn't realized at 17. You realize a lot about yourself once you grow up because your parents become more your friends then your parents…they start revealing things to you that show a mirror to who you are as a person.

27-28 (now) - Junior art director, living out of home, front woman of a new band doing music I really want to do for the first time in my life. Sex = love for me now. I cannot have one night stands to save my life. And I still have a LOT of growing up to do. Honestly…people I haven't seen in 10 years say they hardly recognize me. I think I'm kind of an extreme, but still…this stuff happens.

 

If you love him, which I know you do…Just stay a little distant in each other's lives. Otherwise? One of you is gonna find someone else during this growing phase and really hurt the other. Or there will be distrust and jealousy.

 

If it is meant to be, it will be. Don't force it to happen. Real love always comes back.

 

This is probably not the response you wanted, but maybe it will help.

 

Cheers!