My Engaged Ex-GF Casts her Line?

[Sanserif]

As best as I can tell, one of my ex-girlfriends is trying to see if I'm still interested in her to get an ego boost.

 

We shared something you might call special; 8 years ago when we were much younger, we fell in love and it was both of our firsts. Things didn't work out.

 

3 years ago I had just gotten acclimated to single life out of a 4-year relationship. I was curious about her and what her life had been like, so I texted her. We started having nightly 2+hour phone conversations. Things fell neatly back into place when we met up for what I thought was a catch-up and ended being something much more. I felt very strongly that what she and I would always share was very special. After this exchange, she explained that she'd like more from me, but couldn't because she was seeing someone. I respectfully backed off.

 

I found out a few months later, from a friend, that she was engaged. It tore me up inside because I thought there'd always be some chance. I got over it.

 

Two weeks ago, she texted me out of nowhere. We started up a friendly dialogue. Eventually I asked her, "Why are you talking to me anyways? Aren't you married?"

 

She said, "Does that prohibit me from talking to you..? And I'm not married...".

 

I didn't get a straight answer so I cooled off the texting because she didn't seem to be up front with me. A couple of days later after no contact, she sends me a picture of herself with a new instrument she just bought. Now she's sending me Pictures. I notice on her left hand, third finger over...there's a massive diamond rock.

 

I ask her, "Your fiancee give you that ring?" And mind you, I'm a little put off that she says she's not married, but doesn't mention anything about being engaged. She responds with, "Which one?".

 

Not, "What fiance?"

Or, "Yeah, kind of over the top, isn't it?!"

Or, "I don't have a fiance anymore, things didn't work out".

 

I get, "Which one?"

 

I took a day or two to mull over my thoughts about this whole communique. What do I want from her? Would I ever want to be friends with her? How many guys have fallen prey to a woman who just keeps them around to pick up their self-esteem when things aren't going so well with Guy #1? Meanwhile, having no sincere interest in ever connecting romantically...and doing this knowingly, and shamelessly so?

 

The other side of this is just how mixed-up my head became in this short time frame. I became a preoccupied emotional wreck after just a couple of days. I'm currently not seeing anyone; I actually just got out of a year relationship which was bad for both parties involved. I'm doing lots of great work on myself - saunas and basketball every day, with workouts designed for specifically targeted muscle groups; great enthusiasms for new music and pieces of art. Getting myself together financially; being more sincere with people I know and love, asserting myself and respecting myself more often....getting up earlier and drinking just one night a week, tops.

 

What is it about this girl, or my feelings for her which obviously were still around, that just threw me back to awkward middle-school days, forgetting all the great things I've worked on and vast improvements I've made spiritually and physically? I couldn't go on playing this tug-of-war game because it felt intrinsically Bad for me. I didn't like how I was acting or feeling, and I felt helpless as long as this continued. Just about any other girl who threw this kind of attention at my feet, I'd see right through and just continue to focus on myself.

 

I considered my feelings, made up my mind and sent this:

 

"I'd like you to stop contacting me. I'm in a great place, and I've got enough going on without having to worry about coming in between two people who are supposed to get married. I understand you may probably just be curious about me, but I have more important things to focus on than being an emotional patsy for whatever validation you seem to be after. Just do me a favor and lose my number".

 

She sent a small paragraph a few seconds after receiving that. All I saw was a smiley face at the end of it as I deleted it without reading. I didn't want any more clues to this game to endlessly float through my head.

 

I think I've done the right thing, but afterward my emotions have been a roller-coaster of their own. I've been listening to Zen and Buddhist teachings the last couple of months, and it's funny; once I fell into this girl's clutches, so much of what I had learned and adapted to my life just dissipated before the almighty urgency of 'What If'. I couldn't control my own thoughts. It reminded me of what I was like when she and I First got together all those years ago.

 

Now I feel the call to strike a balance - I've heard horror stories of the men and women who get used, played, and strung along forever. I feel I've accomplished a great task in setting boundaries for myself and others, and asserting my own worth and value as a person. Then I consider the Buddhist teaching for happiness and contentment; Giving without expecting a return. Truth be told, I've always been that kind of person, or rather I've let that side of me shine brightly my whole life, and I want to continue to encourage it. But when it comes to people like this...people whom seem to just suck the life energy out of you without offering reciprocation, I feel it's healthy to establish a strong line whereupon I will Not be used or manipulated.

 

I also wonder how much I was projecting - because the longer I talked with her the more impossible it seemed to keep any kind of objectivity. Either way, I didn't feel healthy, so I staked my claim and did what I felt was best for me.

[Raid]

Nice reply mate, couldn't of said it better myself. You should be proud of yourself. Im facing a similar situation currently my ex is non-commital, flaky replies and I feel like there is another guy lurking... You did the right thing, keep moving forward!

[CC12]

"I'd like you to stop contacting me. I'm in a great place, and I've got enough going on without having to worry about coming in between two people who are supposed to get married.

 

You should have ended your message right there. The rest of it contained some rudeness and unfair assumptions:

 

I understand you may probably just be curious about me, but I have more important things to focus on than being an emotional patsy for whatever validation you seem to be after. Just do me a favor and lose my number".

 

Accusing her of using you as her emotional patsy was completely unnecessary. Do you really think so little of her and her character that you believe she would be capable of using someone like this? I doubt that you think she's that kind of person, since you seem so fond of her otherwise.

 

You really just have no idea what her intentions were. You're basing your assumptions on something you heard a couple of years ago when someone told you she was engaged, right?

 

You lost your mind over this so it's good that you broke off the friendship. You didn't need to insult her in the process. Whatever, it's done. Don't go back and apologize or anything. Just maybe in the future don't accuse people of doing rotten stuff because you're having personal issues.

[Sanserif]

Accusing her of using you as her emotional patsy was completely unnecessary. Do you really think so little of her and her character that you believe she would be capable of using someone like this? I doubt that you think she's that kind of person, since you seem so fond of her otherwise.

 

You really just have no idea what her intentions were. You're basing your assumptions on something you heard a couple of years ago when someone told you she was engaged, right?

Whatever, it's done. Don't go back and apologize or anything. Just maybe in the future don't accuse people of doing rotten stuff because you're having personal issues.

 

 

3 years ago when we saw each other and nearly slept together, she turned on the waterworks and said she was spoken for. This was actually the guy she ended up being engaged to. Do you think he would appreciate her texting and sending pics to someone she gave head to while they were together, just before they got engaged?

 

What other possible likelihood is there than her just wanting to see if she could continue to string me along? I didn't mind at all putting some poison in my dart; and if you saw the size of this ring, I think you'd feel like you were being taken for a fool too.

[CC12]

What other possible likelihood is there than her just wanting to see if she could continue to string me along?

 

Friendship?

[lop98]

I relate so much to every bit of your story it's crazy (even what went on when you two reunited briefly). I'm not engaged yet but I guess I would say yes if my boyfriend asked... I want that kind of stability and reassurance so bad, but I still talk to my ex, he's seeing someone so it's pointless to hope for more, but I guess I always will... I wish he'd come and have a plan for us that's realistic and better than anything we ever tried and I swear I'd leave everything and go with him in the blink of an eye. But he never will and I will never say anything, he's seeing someone and doesn't sound like he'll break up with her any time soon so I need to understand that and stay with the choices I have made for myself.

[Sanserif]

Friendship?

 

After we briefly reunited 3 years ago, we kept in text contact for about 8 months. I was seeing other people, but nothing serious.

 

Finally, I texted her, "This intermittent thing where we text each other and stay acquainted isn't working for me. I'll never be able to give you and your guy the space and respect you deserve because it'll always rest in the back of my head that things might end differently, however unlikely. it's not fair to anyone involved. I'm happy for you and wish you the best of luck".

 

I stated my romantic intentions with her and peaced out. That's why I thought it was curious she began texting me again recently. It's reasonable to believe she was aware of my romantic inclinations toward her, and continued to text me and send pictures of herself - while still engaged to someone else. That's called manipulation and validation-seeking behavior.

 

I went on facebook just to doublecheck(I dont have one; I used a friends'), and bam, there's her and the guy - still engaged. Sure, I could have just ignored her contacts, but I didn't know whether she was still with someone or not. I even asked if she was married and she said No.

 

That's why I said what I said when she sent me a picture with a diamond on her finger.

[toolforgrowth]

After we briefly reunited 3 years ago, we kept in text contact for about 8 months. I was seeing other people, but nothing serious.

 

Finally, I texted her, "This intermittent thing where we text each other and stay acquainted isn't working for me. I'll never be able to give you and your guy the space and respect you deserve because it'll always rest in the back of my head that things might end differently, however unlikely. it's not fair to anyone involved. I'm happy for you and wish you the best of luck".

 

I stated my romantic intentions with her and peaced out. That's why I thought it was curious she began texting me again recently. It's reasonable to believe she was aware of my romantic inclinations toward her, and continued to text me and send pictures of herself - while still engaged to someone else. That's called manipulation and validation-seeking behavior.

 

I went on facebook just to doublecheck(I dont have one; I used a friends'), and bam, there's her and the guy - still engaged. Sure, I could have just ignored her contacts, but I didn't know whether she was still with someone or not. I even asked if she was married and she said No.

 

That's why I said what I said when she sent me a picture with a diamond on her finger.

 

Imagine her doing this with her fiancee if you and her get back together. Because that's probably what would happen.

 

If that doesn't send chills down your spine, I don't know what would. Yeesh.

[bubbaganoosh]

 

Now I feel the call to strike a balance - I've heard horror stories of the men and women who get used, played, and strung along forever. I feel I've accomplished a great task in setting boundaries for myself and others, and asserting my own worth and value as a person. Then I consider the Buddhist teaching for happiness and contentment; Giving without expecting a return.

 

As one guy who was once got used, played and strung along all at the same time by a woman and this was 46 years ago, believe me it's everything that it's cracked up to be.

 

This is 2014 and what happened back then is as fresh in my mind like it happened yesterday so IMO, stop the contacting and find someone more honest and has a bit more going on rather than just thinking of herself

[No Limit]

You handled it very well OP.

Feeling sorry for the fiance though.

[hidden_ua]

After we briefly reunited 3 years ago, we kept in text contact for about 8 months. I was seeing other people, but nothing serious.

 

Finally, I texted her, "This intermittent thing where we text each other and stay acquainted isn't working for me. I'll never be able to give you and your guy the space and respect you deserve because it'll always rest in the back of my head that things might end differently, however unlikely. it's not fair to anyone involved. I'm happy for you and wish you the best of luck".

 

I stated my romantic intentions with her and peaced out. That's why I thought it was curious she began texting me again recently. It's reasonable to believe she was aware of my romantic inclinations toward her, and continued to text me and send pictures of herself - while still engaged to someone else. That's called manipulation and validation-seeking behavior.

 

I went on facebook just to doublecheck(I dont have one; I used a friends'), and bam, there's her and the guy - still engaged. Sure, I could have just ignored her contacts, but I didn't know whether she was still with someone or not. I even asked if she was married and she said No.

 

That's why I said what I said when she sent me a picture with a diamond on her finger.

DAMN MAN! 100% same story even the time periods and all. i am so surprised with your story like its a complete photocopy of mine. well, i still miss my ex. 1 year of NC and she recently got engaged which completely broke me and that is why i am back on this forum after a year and bro, keep your self busy. i had migraine issues and now OCD because of all this stuff and suffering alot from past couple of years so, don't want anyone else like this. best of luck

[Sanserif]

I did some searching online on this subject and it's funny how polarizing it can be. If you do a gender reversal and make it a girl who thinks she's being strung along by an engaged guy...the results are astoundingly unanimous. All the women come in a support bandwagon and corrall to help the girl feel better. Often, in a guy's case, it takes a guy whose been on the receiving end to chime in and offer reassurance. You guys have mostly been great, but I just thought that was worth mentioning.

[CC12]

I did some searching online on this subject and it's funny how polarizing it can be. If you do a gender reversal and make it a girl who thinks she's being strung along by an engaged guy...the results are astoundingly unanimous. All the women come in a support bandwagon and corrall to help the girl feel better.

 

Interesting! Can you post those links you found?

[Sanserif]

Interesting! Can you post those links you found?

 

Most of last week I was google searching but didn't favorites all the links I found except one:

 

How do I get my engaged ex to leave me alone? - exes resolved | Ask MetaFilter

 

If you do comparable searches on Google, this site, and sites like Enotalone, you'll find more.

[CC12]

Most of last week I was google searching but didn't favorites all the links I found except one:

 

How do I get my engaged ex to leave me alone? - exes resolved | Ask MetaFilter

 

If you do comparable searches on Google, this site, and sites like Enotalone, you'll find more.

 

If the OP of that thread had posted that she'd had friendly dialogue with him for a couple of weeks and then she turned around and said some unkind things about his character when asking him to stop contacting her, I can assure you that at least a few people would have pointed out that it was unnecessary to make hurtful comments in the process of her cutting contact with him.

 

I don't think this is the gender inequity thing you seem to be implying it is.

[Sanserif]

I think you've decided nothing's going to change your perspective and perhaps are afraid of being wrong on the internet. You didn't read all the threads I did, I no longer care what you think, and I'm certain I made the right decision. Even after extrapolating in detail for your benefit, there you are on your soapbox touting "assumptions about character". If the girl I made this thread about posted online, she'd probably sound just like you.

 

I have every reason to believe my assessments are spot-on. I suspect you see yourself as a moderating figure whom holds objectivity. If only I had been more objective of my situation with her instead of hanging on this long emotionally, I wouldn't have found myself in the position I had to ask perspectives from strangers online. I'd have known she was full of bull and been on my merry way about it.

 

It doesn't slight me in the least knowing I was definitive in my choice of language with her. It was the only time I ever really asserted myself and demanded better. All those years before, she treated me like a doormat and I kept taking it - smiling, knowing my feelings would never change and I'd always love her.

 

People with any real decency or character don't do things like that to people whose feelings they respect.

[CC12]

I think you've decided nothing's going to change your perspective and perhaps are afraid of being wrong on the internet. You didn't read all the threads I did, I no longer care what you think, and I'm certain I made the right decision. Even after extrapolating in detail for your benefit, there you are on your soapbox touting "assumptions about character". If the girl I made this thread about posted online, she'd probably sound just like you.

 

Jesus christ, dude. I'm not soapboxing, I'm not afraid of "being wrong on the internet", I have not decided nothing's going to change my perspective. You posted a thread and I gave my opinion on it. You can take it or leave it. You don't need to argue endlessly over my ****ing opinion and gripe about the responses you got.