How to proceed with this guy?

[mbee]

Okay so I was dating this guy for 2 months (we are both in are mid-20s), and we had known each other for 2 months beforehand. He ended things with me a few weeks ago, which left me confused and very hurt. His reasons for ending it were because he had romantic feelings for me but not enough for me to be his girlfriend. He told me this BEFORE crying with me on the phone for 2 hours, saying how he can't lose me in his life, and expressing how important I am in his life and sharing with me his fears of being hurt and I practically implied that I was in love with him (which I am). It was very emotional and intense. We stopped talking for 2 weeks entirely because I told him I was very hurt and couldn't speak with him.

 

During these 2 weeks I realized that there's so much I don't understand and how much I valued his friendship. We met online, and had talked for 2 months before me arriving into a new country for work. He's the first friend I made here, the person who showed me around the city and he's even introduced me to some people who are now good friends. We also had an amazing connection that I've never experienced before and I realized the value of having him as a friend outweighed him having as a boyfriend. He's also been cheated on by his best friend and one serious relationship (he's only dated 2 women so he's inexperienced) and has intimacy issues from his parents, so I figured maybe I shouldn't take his actions so personally.

 

 

Well I wrote him a brief email earlier this week, very brief, like 4 sentences long asking how he is. He wrote back immediately with a much longer and enthusiastic response. I didn't reply right away, and he wrote me before I could reply saying how he has been in his head a lot thinking about so many things and wants to talk to me in person. I replied back and kept it cool, and platonic. His response was very lengthy (1500 word email) which included how he feared I thought he was someone he's not and how amazed he is to discover someone like me who understands him and how I'm the only person he's ever met who he has this feeling with.

 

Anyway, I texted him today to see if he could meet for brunch and he wrote me a lengthy text basically saying "no" and telling me what he was doing all day and why he couldn't decide on a day for the whole week (he's in theatre and has 4 hour rehearsals today (I know this is true since I also help out with the theatre group and know when they have rehearsals) and another day (the play is happening in a few weeks), works full-time, takes night classes and his cousins visited from another country and he needs to show them around) and asking how I am and what my plans are next weekend. At first I was annoyed, but after a few hours, realized that he actually is quite busy and why would he suggest seeing me in person if he didn't actually want to. He's also said several times he hopes to see me soon.

 

I guess I don't know how to handle this? He knows I have strong feelings for him and it's been almost 3 weeks since he ended things. In my mind, his emails have been emotional and corny. My intention with the initial email was just to open up dialogue between us so that the option for friendship is open... I did NOT expect we would be exchanging lengthy emails, texts, trying to plan to see each other so soon and his openness about how wonderful I am! It's very confusing for me.

 

I've also went on 2 good dates with another guy so far (it's been quite easy meeting guys in the new country!) and have been going out almost every night with friends so I am trying to live my life and move on. I just know I'm still in love with this other guy, and am not sure if I just need to play it cool with him and take more space, or how I should be interpreting his actions?

Edited June 1, 2014 by mbee

[Kamila]

He dumped you. You should not have any contact with this guy anymore.

He clearly said he doesn't want a relationship with you.

It's hard but you have to distance yourself from him.

[Gaeta]

His 2 hour long crying scene was generated by guilt. It's a weakness in men. They feel guilt so intensely at times it makes them do these things.

 

There is no remaining friends as long as you are in love with him. People stay friends when no strong feelings were involved or enough time went by since the break up so both parties are over each other.

 

You think he is a great guy you want to keep in your life because you're in love with him. You have friends, you don't need him. There are other great people out there for fun friendship.

 

So go back to no contact. If he writes again just say 'no thank you'.

[mbee]

His 2 hour long crying scene was generated by guilt. It's a weakness in men. They feel guilt so intensely at times it makes them do these things.

 

There is no remaining friends as long as you are in love with him. People stay friends when no strong feelings were involved or enough time went by since the break up so both parties are over each other.

 

You think he is a great guy you want to keep in your life because you're in love with him. You have friends, you don't need him. There are other great people out there for fun friendship.

 

So go back to no contact. If he writes again just say 'no thank you'.

 

I can understand the guilt thing, if that's really what it was. However, I don't understand why he is trying to see me and writing me lengthy emails. I'm not exaggerating. He has referred to what we have as "amazing" and how I'm the only person who understands him and sees him for who he is. And he's the one who has requested to see me in person. He has initiated all of this, I re-read my emails and they are all platonic and distant. Is this guilt as well?

 

EDIT: I am partially bringing this up because I have a couple of friends, one male, who believes that he might be trying to get back together. I am NOT expecting this but both said, that it may explain why he wants to see me in person since he'd rather have this conversation in person than on the phone or via email, and how both of them would wait to see me to bring this up since it's not appropriate to have via the phone or email. Again NOT my expectations at all, but partially why I don't want to go NC until we see each other, in case this is an attempt to try and get back together, however, I know this may not be the case at all.

Edited June 1, 2014 by mbee

[toml]

at least men feel.guilt and show emotion. women dont care about how the other guy feels and will just not even bother talking to them on the phone. shes lucky in my opinion. i had girls just disappear and be very rude and cold and unempathetic

[Jame22]

at least men feel.guilt and show emotion. women dont care about how the other guy feels and will just not even bother talking to them on the phone. shes lucky in my opinion. i had girls just disappear and be very rude and cold and unempathetic

 

That's not rude or unempathetic..it's how it should be. Deep down they know we don't want to be their friend. Keeping us around is selfish on their part. Whenever I get a friendship offer it only makes me more bitter towards the rejection.

[mbee]

Hey All. I really appreciate your comments but I'm still very confused. If anyone can help address these points that would be great.

 

1. Again, he specifically wrote in an email when I didn't reply immediately saying "I have been rather in my head a lot, thinking about so many things and I'd rather talk to you in person." He's then made an effort to tell me when he's available. He also wrote another email saying how I understand him and how amazing things are. His texts/emails have been lengthy, inquisitive, caring and he's made it clear he wants to see me in person. I've been friend zoned before and it was never like this, it was more like throwing me breadcrumbs and being polite.

 

2. A month after dating he made it clear he wanted to be friends first. IMO he's very inexperienced with dating. He's never dated other girls. He's only had 2 girlfriends that came out of long term friendships. We kissed after 6 dates and he felt that was moving too fast because he didn't know me as well he wished. We also got sexual quickly by his standards. But from the very beginning he's made it clear that he prefers relationships to be a "slow burn" and due to trust issues especially would rather take it slow and build with a friendship. Our dating relationship was very intense and moved quickly, so I think he needed space from it.