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Complicated problem with ex, devastated but hopeful


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I'm basically here just wondering if anybody has had anything similar happen to them, it's a bit of a weird situation and I'm not sure what to do about it:

 

So I met this guy, we'll call him Mark. We met when I was 17, and after a bit of an awkward teenage false start and a year of friendship, we were in a relationship for 18 months. We were best friends, never argued, loved each other endlessly. I broke up with him because I met another man and I'll never know why meeting him made me feel so strongly like I had to end my happy relationship. It scares me to this day. I remember being more in love with Mark than ever before about a week before I broke up with him. I don't know why I did. Mark was going to move in with me the next summer too, and I was scared. I was, and am, really young (22 now), and really scared of settling down.

 

The thing with the other guy fizzled out, and he kind of messed me around. Mark was always there. We kept seeing each other, sleeping together, saying we loved each other. I think that might have been part of the problem with the other guy.

 

So a year after the breakup; Mark and I are the same, but I feel different. I can't remember why we broke up, I realise I love him, and I try to get him back. I apologise, and I try so hard to be nice, and be the girl he wants me to be. He started withdrawing, and said he was seeing someone else, but we still spent a weekend together early this March, and I started to feel like we might almost be getting back on track. In mid-March he calls and says he wants to take me on a romantic spa break in the city he lives in, and I agree. It was going to be my Easter break from university, and I was so excited to see him. I was going to tell him how I wanted to be with him, how I'd made plans to move across the country to live with him if he'd have me.

 

But a week later he says he can't, and we plan something more casual. A week after that, he tells me he can't see me at all because of "someone elses feelings". I'm broken, but determined to keep trying.

 

A month later, his profile picture on Facebook is him with his new girl. I message him, confronting him, but he's cold and denies it being a problem. He said he can do what he wants because we've been broken up for 18 months and I dumped him. So I send him an, admittedly long, but heartfelt message about my feelings and why I was so hurt. He sent barely anything back, it was a short, indifferent message. Straight afterwards he posted another picture of him and his new girlfriend to Facebook.

 

He was my best friend, and the lack of contact I've had with him is devastating. I can't sleep, I can't eat and I can't revise for my final exams as well as I should. I have depression and a drinking problem, and it's made it almost impossible to deal with the things I already try to control so much.

 

I think it's the coldness more than anything. He was never like that before. He was the warmest, nicest, funniest and most emotionally generous man I'd ever met. I know I messed up and hurt him, and I apologised to him so many times. I can see all the wrong in my past behaviour, and I know that I'm a better person now.

 

What I want to know is if I have a chance at getting him back, and what the best way of doing it could possibly be. They've known each other since November, and have been dating seriously maybe since the beginning of April, though he told me he feels bad about sleeping with me in March because of her.

 

I was really young and stupid when I was with him, and when I broke up with him. I still am. But everything that happened since then has shown me that it was such a mistake and I tried so hard to show him that. He wanted to be with me in March, and now he doesn't care? I can't accept it.

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You broke his heart & his trust. Although you have never stopped giving him your body, he still thinks you rejected him & he's reluctant to give you the kind of power to hurt him again.

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I know I did, and I apologised on my knees so much that I doubt trust is the issue here now. He's taken away his friendship and his warmth and that's what hurts (and is something I never did to him). He wanted me back for so long but the second I came round it was like he changed his mind and then hurt me with his new happiness as much as possible (also something I would never have done to him). I don't know why he's doing it.

 

So should I just try to be his friend and win his trust back? I'm still waiting for him to contact, his last message said he would keep in touch and he's see me soon, but I don't know what that means.

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You need to let him figure out what he wants.

He is now with someone else and you need to let whatever happens run its course.

You let him know you are sorry for what happened and are interested in a new relationship.

Let him process that, do what he wants to do, and wait it out. (and also move on)

You decided to venture out and find a new person and a new life only to realize you made a mistake.

People are not objects you can possess, throw away, and re-obtain at will.

Put yourself in his shoes. What would YOU do if the tables were turned?

People have different values and morals and might never be willing to put something like that behind them. (I decided to do that)

I suggest being open, kind, stay in touch, remind him you are sorry, wish things never happened, etc.. and to contact you if HE wants to.

Beyond that, you need to wait.....

My wife of 20+ years did the same thing to me. (same story almost)

First thing I had to do was to "Let her go" and move on. I had to figured out myself, want I wanted in life, and who would be in it, before I could ever think of being with her again.

She did the same thing.

She called me randomly one day and we reconnected.

Edited by MrWhite
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Thanks for the advice, especially as you've been in his position. I haven't told him I am interested in a relationship with him, just that I was upset about him sort of flaunting his new girl, because I was worried he would start using me as a fallback for if his new relationship didn't work out - something I am continually worried about happening even if we do reconnect.

 

If I was in his position, I would have fought harder for me than he did, and I would not have flaunted my relationship in public to hurt me. Equally I would have been very hurt and it would have been hard to forgive, even though much of my behaviour has been obviously self destructive.

 

I'm currently waiting for him to contact me, and I plan to be kind and calm and try my best to move on even if I don't want to be with anybody except him. I never saw him as something I could throw away, I was 20 and he was going to move in and I was scared that a few years down the line I would feel like I hadn't experienced my youth properly, and I know if I hadn't broken it off he would have at some point. I never let myself get close to anybody else I dated in the way he has with this girl because I knew in my heart he was the only one that could make me happy. The time I was with him was the only time I have ever been happy in my life and every time I think about not being with him I have a panic attack.

 

Anyway, it's good to know your situation ended in forgiveness and happiness.

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Would it be better to be honest about wanting him back? I'm terrified of him rejecting me, saying he loves the other girl more than he ever loved me, or pushing him away even more. But equally I don't want to lose him just because I didn't tell him how I really felt.

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If there is already another girl, you will be an interloper at best & a home wrecker at worst.

 

On the theory that we regret more in life the things we don't do, I'd tell him you would like to try again. He may very well reject you but at least you would know & that may be the impetus you need to move forward.

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I do want him to be happy, and if she can make him happier than me I will let him go reluctantly, and with deep sadness. I know it isn't for me to say, but he said he loved me about two months ago, and from what I can tell she doesn't seem right for him. Maybe he's changed his tastes, but she looks older and doesn't seem to have the same interests as him in the way I do, and I strongly suspect she is not on his intellectual level. He also seemed to be sharing a lot of what they were doing on Facebook before I stopped his stories being shown on my Facebook and stopped looking at his profile because it would make me inconsolable for hours, more than he ever did with me, and more than he ever does with general things usually, which is making me (probably stupidly) suspicious of his motives.

 

Despite this, I feel like perhaps she is a simpler option and that is what he likes about her, I have suffered from depression and anxiety with a host of other issues which I know he has struggled to understand. He's a pretty straightforward guy and maybe he wants an easier existence, and a simpler love.

 

I think I will be honest with him after my exams if he hasn't contacted me by then. How would you recommend I do it? Call him, or message? I was considering wording it quite simply, saying I still love and miss him, still regret letting him go, and asking him to come back to me.

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  • 2 weeks later...

"I was considering wording it quite simply, saying I still love and miss him, still regret letting him go, and asking him to come back to me."

 

Good simple message.

The Dumper (you), needs to take the blame (even if not 100%) and do all the effort.

 

If he is still dating the other girl, just give him the option of what you said above, then back off.

Keep it simple, and only re-contact after months for the same thing.

 

"If I was in his position, I would have fought harder for me than he did..."

 

You ran off with another person. Why would he fight for someone who would do that? Put yourself in his shoes. If he did that to you, what would you do?

 

 

Keep it simple, open, humble and then retreat. He needs to miss you to want to get back together with you.

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