Can he change? Why won't he for love?

[Leashy55]

The boy who has my heart and I have been dating for 3.5 years. We were with each other almost every day for the first 1.5 years. After I graduated from undergrad, I moved 2 hours away for graduate school. At first, he told me how he wanted to move with me but that wasn't true. I don't blame him because he wouldn't have anything to do where I am at at school. So he stayed back. He was supportive of me moving but also mad at me because he wanted to settle down with me. During the first couple months after I moved, he started talking to this girl who was local. She had a boyfriend of 5 years but my boyfriend began to receive an emotional attachment to her. He even admitted to having feelings for her and told her that too. Obviously, she didn't want him but still wanted to talk to him. So I tried to put an end to it. He said he had ended it, but I found out that they were still talking every once in awhile behind my back. Even to this day, he was going behind my back and contacting her. Keep in mind she is married now, but shouldn't he respect me enough to not contact her? He says now that he was stupid and has her blocked on everything. He also says he doesn't want anything to do with her. But how is that fair now? After all of this happened, the trust went to crap and I turned into a psycho. I didn't trust him on fb, snapchat, email, or with his phone at all. When I would come to see him on the weekends, I would go through every inch of his phone. But he also got good at hiding it from me by deleting messages or phone calls. I even caught her number in his phone under a different name. He said that happened when he was drunk. I have tried to get past this situation but I have been so hurt from it all.

 

He also picks friends and drinking over me. When I would come home for the weekend, he would just want to go out with them. Yes, we would get a little bit of alone time, but definitely not as much as I wanted. We would both go out and get drunk and end up fighting the rest of the night. This last Valentine's day I had had enough. I broke up with him. He was drunk with friends and wouldn't even deal with talking to me. I asked him to come outside and talk to me for 5 minutes because I was upset and he couldn't do that. To me, it feels like he doesn't care if he hurts my feelings as long as he is having a good time and it doesn't get ruined. How selfish is that? Also, in the two years I have been at graduate school, he has probably only came to visit me about 6-8 times. It was always me running back to him to spend time with him. He says he wants to settle down, get married, and have a family but that is very hard to believe. I know that I am gone a lot but that isn't my fault.

 

We have been talking more and we see each other once in awhile. We continue to fight while we are apart as well. Do you think he could actually change? Am I wasting my time holding onto hope for him? He always says things but never follows through with them. It is so hard to throw 3.5 years away especially when I know if I was there, it would work. Let me know what you all think! Thank you.

[Jiivy]

Your relationship is not balanced. You give more than you get - it's ok, I've been there too. I left behind my family, put on hold my dreams and left my home in order to make things work...only for her to eventually go for that greener grass anyway.

 

You deserve someone who gives a ****.

 

Don't ever regret all that you've given your partner. The desire you show is absolutely ok, but if you feel you're not getting what you give, GET OUT.

Edited April 24, 2014 by Jiivy
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[KaliLove]

He's with you because he doesn't have to make any kind of effort with you. As soon as you become a hassle (i.e. asking him to do something for you or visit you more), expect to be dumped.

 

As Jiivy said, your relationship is not balanced. It doesn't seem like he cares enough to put the work in to maintain the relationship. I would leave before you get even more hurt.