Made mistake in dumping him - ?

[Shanmoo]

Ive made a terrible mistake where I ended up dumping my beloved boyfriend nearly 2 weeks ago now.

 

We had been together almost 9 months. Im his first long term relationship in many years... He is quite a bachelor, and set in his ways it has to be said. However, him being single was according to him not by choice, he just couldnt meet anybody right. We met at work, and hit it off straight away. I trusted him. His friends told me that he would be true to me, and I believed that. We have seen each other most days at work and most evenings and weekends. Id say 70% of our time with each other. Everyone knew us as a couple at work and out of work. We were pretty inseperable.

We fell in love with each other and had, what I thought, was a very good relationship with a great life in the bedroom too. He said that he had never loved anyone as much as me, and all his friends told me that they had never seen him so happy. There was one big bugbear though, and that was the fact that he cant drive. He is 41 and has never learned. When I asked him about it he said he had never needed to. He just always worked close to home and got the bus and walked. Thing is, I have a disability - fibromyalgia- and a blue badge. Eventually it started to make me really stressed, that I was doing all the driving everywhere. I tried to talk with him about him maybe learning to drive but he was a bit rude about it. That upset me, so we ended up having a "talk" and I said I was concerned that things may not work out because at the end of the day Ive got these physical problems yet Im doing all the driving around everywhere and I needed him to share it. I cant go running around on public transport and walking like he does. He agreed that he would learn, and I thought he was being genuine. He even told his friends and family that he was going to do it.

 

 

However he never did anything with it. 3 months had gone by and he hadnt even applied for his provisional licence. I had mentioned it, but he kept making excuses. Eventually, on the day I "chucked" him, he told me that he had no intention of learning, he had never wanted to and felt that he was simply nagged into it. He admitted that he had not been honest with me. Well of course I lost my rag and was upset and told him he could enjoy going back to being single as we had talked about it and he had lied to me (. On reflection, this was a dumb thing to do.....

 

 

I was gobsmacked at the time, to be honest. I hadnt expected that from him. Anyway we had a few angry text communications after it was very upsetting. I had to take days off work as I couldnt face seeing him. I asked him to meet me a couple of days later so that we could face each other before we went back to work, rather than deal with it in there. He was very reluctant. When we met up I explained why I had lost my rag.

Really, I wanted us to work it out somehow or other. However, when I tried to talk with him he said there was nothing to talk about, what was done was done and it was over. He said that in fact he had felt the relationship was over months before because I had been putting my stresses on him, and also not listening to him, which is actually true and I feel bad about. He said he is a "simple guy" (which I disagree with, I think he is complicated but never mind) and cant handle this negativity from me (which had been over me trying to find another job, mine being short term.... very stressful).

He admitted however that he said nothing and simply let us continue on. He said he didnt want any conflict or fights. He went on to say that we only had a good relationship because he agreed to everything!! Which I found shocking...

I asked him if he really wanted to let us go and he said yes, it was over. So I walked away.

 

 

Since then I have written to him and he has written back, both of us apologising, in mine I said I was sorry that he could not talk to me and sorry that he felt he had to lie to me.

However despite this because I got the impression from his message that he still was walking away from us, I got angry, and so said could not accept his apology for lying to me and lost my rag again in a text message.

 

 

People have told me that it sounded like he had said the relationship had been over for months, to get back at me. Only the weekend before we broke up had he still been the 100% loving boyfriend. We had looked at a house the week before that and he had also mentioned to me about having children.

 

 

Its awful as we work in the same place. He is now going to work away and has booked himself away for 3 weeks, which is a long time, usually he does 2 weeks. He told me he will go down to London regularly now, as he did before he was with me.

 

 

Having had time to reflect, I realise Ive made a dreadful mistake with him, in that firstly I should never have pushed him into the driving thing. I think he is scared, and doesnt want to admit it. Its easier to learn to drive at 17/18. At 41 its very hard. I guess, we could have worked around it, but I couldnt see any way at the time. I thought he was just being a lazy bachelor expecting a woman to look after him, but thats daft as he is certainly not like that. I also leaned on him far too much with my problems. He is a wonderful, wonderful man and I love him deeply. Obviously he has communication issues though, however these are not something that cant be resolved ?

 

 

I am absolutely devastated over what has happened. I just want him back.

I do believe that he loved me very much, and was trying so hard within his limitations ( he is not really a skilled DIY'er or good at anything in the house simply because he has never had to, always lived rented furnished, never cooked for people ), he would never have cheated on me, he has been a muppet though for not speaking up and just letting his frustrations with me bottle up rather than having a confrontation. But then again, he has not been in a LTR for some years and I think he was sometimes overwhelmed with having to think about another person. Also that his routines got somewhat disturbed by seeing me, although he said he preferred it.

Is there any hope at all ?

 

I have about 4 bags of his belongings, and Ive said that he can collect them or I will put them on his desk at work. I apologised for my behaviour and said it was a completely stupid situation that had no need to happen. I havent heard anything back from him, although he is staying with his brother over the Easter weekend. He didnt tell his brother we had broken up, he only found out because I explained why I had had to remove him from my Facebook friends.

 

 

Looking at the language in for example my ex's valentines card, the looks in our photos together (just a few weeks ago) and all the things he said prior to me blowing up at him, I cant believe that this is what he really wants. Im willing to accept Ive made mistakes and learn by them. I would not push him to learn to drive and we would have to find a compromise. Perhaps he can take the housework off me, as thats hard for me with my fibromyalgia. Ive also seen that my moods and nags can destroy something for me, if I dont take control of them. I can get very depressed, as a result of the disability on my life. I was getting counselling, but my 8 sessions ended about a week before I lost my rag with him and dumped him.

 

 

Do you think he will listen ? If so, when ? Im planning now to no contact him now. The whole thing is making me feel sick. I feel like I have a massive hole in me physically and in my life.

 

 

 

Thanks for reading!

Shanmoo

[Million.to.1]

From what you have written, he doesn't seem to be willing to make sacrifices for the better of the relationship and your future together. He seems too selfish set in his ways and can't handle change which is what you have to do in a relationship. It's not all cuddles and romantic dinners.. love and partnership is about helping each other be the best you can be. Doing things to help each other and doing things you don't want to do for the sake of the relationship.

 

I think you have some self esteem issues if you are willing to accept this behaviour from him because he is a "loving boyfriend". Seriously, refusing to learn to drive, and you're doing all the housework? wtf? Grow up dude! He's talking about having children with you but expects you to drive everywhere for the rest of your life? With a disability no less?? just because he "doesn't want to" Totally ridiculous.

 

If he can not make small and simple life changes to create a life with you, he is not worth it. You are better off out of it.

[Heroeric]

First; you were not in the wrong to have the whole argument over the license. To start, with your health issues, he should have wanted to go get his license. And for you getting mad as a result of his lying, that's perfectly normal and understandable as well. The problem is that your still love struck, so as a result your at a vulnerable part of your recovery and blame yourself for doing the right thing. Not your fault, it's normal we all do it.

 

Your anger with him afterwards is understandable, as his constant presence can cause hurtful emotions while in the early stages of recovery.

 

I agree with million.to.1, he does seem rather immature to ponder something like children, but not desire to put in effect the effort to get the necessary done. As hard as it is to hear, as much as you don't want to, I gotta say your much better off without him. My last long term relationship was similar, sometimes both sides just have a little growing up to do, and till then a healthy, long lasting relationship just isn't gonna work.

[Shanmoo]

Thanks for your replies )

Well, your thoughts were my initial ones.... I am just having so much doubt.

 

Im sorry if Ive given the impression that he was lazy.... he wasn't at least not intentionally. He did help me out with a lot of things. With regards to housework, he often stayed at mine (my place is a lot nicer, and for me to stay anywhere else I have to almost take the kitchen sink with all my meds and girl stuff etc). I did the cooking, as Ive worked previously in kitchens and I enjoy it, I also make low fat food and this way I get to control the calories ..... He would however ask what he could help with, he would get involved, and he would always do the washing up afterwards. He would also regularly tidy up after me as Im very messy!

 

But with the driving, what if he does have a phobia or anxiety? I remember him saying "Im too old.. I will be no good at it now... its too late". He never admitted to having anxiety issues, but his nails were bitten right down to there being hardly anything left and when I tried to ask him about it he refused to talk about it and was embarrassed. He doesnt like social situations like big parties with lots of people he doesnt know. When he wasnt with me he tended to only go out occasionally with close friends otherwise he would be at home reading books or watching DVDs. He comes from a family who "keep themselves to themselves" and "stuff" isnt really talked about. For example, he is a twin, they have a half brother, who they have never met and their dad refuses to talk about it (son from a previous marriage).

 

But yea, I think the changes needed from within him to sustain the relationship are the sticking point. I know I need to make them too, and Id be willing to try. Is singledom really so much more satisfying? Maybe it is to someone like him if thats all he has been used to before me.

 

I told him that any woman would have an issue with him not driving, if she drives and has a car. My view was it made the relationship somewhat "unequal". He couldnt get it though, or at least he did but didnt want to accept it. Maybe this is what he is running away from.

[learning_slowly]

When I was younger, I could not drive as I used to live in London. Upon moving elsewhere I met a girl and she also nagged me.

 

I saw the benefits of being able to go to different places etc and took the lessons. It is strange that he didn't talk to you about it, but did you talk to him about it. Maybe he had a parent etc who died in a car crash?

 

But you made the choice to leave on your basis, so you can't expect him to come running back. You have to decide how you want to live, and if a non-driving partner can fit in to that and if so whether he will want you back?

[Shanmoo]

I dont know the exact reason for his anxiety over driving. He has never outwardly admitted to me that he is scared. Both his parents are still living, and both drive, no major accidents. He went to university, where he didnt need a car, then moved back to his home area, and again, has never needed a car. He hasnt had a serious relationship since university - as far as I know. Perhaps another long term girlfriend might have said the same as me. When we discussed the driving licence issue a few months ago, when he agreed to learn, one of the things I had said to him was the advantage of being able to go more places. Go out for the day together, and not be restricted by bus times and things like that.

 

I had never anticipated meeting someone who couldnt drive! - you just assume everyone can.

 

I lived abroad for almost 5 years, and I didnt have a car. The various boyfriends I had, eventually got sick of being the driver and nagged me to buy a car. One of the boyfriends put me on his insurance and I did do some driving, it wasnt easy on the other side of the road and in the left side of the car! I was annoyed to be nagged about me driving, its true, but I could also see their point.

 

I thought that I was unhappy with this guy, but actually I wasnt. It was other things that Im unhappy with. Ive expected him to fit into my needs as a result of issues in my life, and when he cant, Ive gotten frustrated and angry.

[learning_slowly]

The problem appears to be his disinterest now.

 

I would leave his things on his desk, and if he wants to get back, he would do something then. But in all honesty, I think you're going to have to move on.

 

Did you get to see him at weekends? I worked in a consultancy where people worked away and some of them would get a gf for the weekdays, go home to the family and give the gf up when the project ended or they were bored! Hopefully that's not what's happened here.

[Million.to.1]

Is singledom really so much more satisfying? Maybe it is to someone like him if thats all he has been used to before me.

 

 

No. No its not. But it also isn't as hard. You don't have to compromise when you are single and you don't have make sacrifices and change your routines.

 

you have to stop blaming yourself. You did the right thing. I'm sure you are feeling guilty because you got angry, lost your rag etc... but anyone would when presented with a stubborn person, who is just being stubborn because they are afraid of a bit of change.

 

Whatever the reason for his driving anxiety is irrelevant. The fact that he is so shut off about talking about it or seeking help is the real red flag here.

Yes so his family are all closed off and thats all he has ever known... but you can't fix him unless he wants to find a new way too. He is in his 40's and has realised that shutting himself off from other people and love and the challenges associated with is just easier than facing his fears. Very sad.

 

I think of "the Prophet" ...

 

"When love beckons to you follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth......

 

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

 

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself."

 

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully.”

 

 

Edited April 21, 2014 by Million.to.1