Break up. Is there a future?

[Sarevok]

Hey, I've been lurking a few weeks on the forum. But I decided I would plead my case and see what you guys think of the situation.

 

I'll try and keep things short and to the point, but I'm sure I will ramble and not give enough real information.

 

I met my girlfriend in high-school. She was head over heels in love with me and it was her that pursued me. Right at the start I was too scared of a relationship and didn't commit. I messed about with another girl and my girlfriend of course found out (I was not very subtle). But she forgave me and I realised that I had someone special. From there on I was in love with her and we had 8 great years together. However about a year ago things started to change a little. She seemed more distant, I would ask what was wrong but she never would say.

 

She has been in education since I met her. Going from school to collage to university and now she is working on her PHD. She is a very hard worker, but can often get stressed and feel overwhelmed. Things had been a bit wrong for awhile, but when she moved away to another city to work on her PHD things become worse quickly. Before she left I had voiced my concern, and that day she came over and assured me we would make It work. But as the weeks past I could see her becoming more and more distant.

 

It got to the point where I started to ask her why she was acting so cold. She could not really give me an answer. I kept pushing saying that it was more like I was only her friend now, and she agreed. She decided she needed time to think about things and so we had a “break” for a week, and then again. She then told me she would be home soon for the weekend and we should talk things over in person. She told me she thought it was best to break up.

 

I've always held back on expressing how I really feel about some important things, but this was too much for me. For the first time in years, I cried and let my emotions spew out. The breakup had a lot of crying from both of us. She said she still cared about me and loved me but she could not see a future with me (most likely due to my own stagnation, something I've realised and begun to work on). She said she still wanted to be friends because we were best-friends.

 

She went back home. I was heartbroken of course, I'm past the worst of it now. But I went though the typical depression, loneliness and wanting to talk to her. But she would only talk to me every so often, most of the time when I contacted her. I didn't go crazy, once or twice a week. But it hurt that I still felt I needed her so much and she would just ignore me.

 

Two weeks later she came over again to say goodbye to my mother (we were all very close), she left her phone and I read some messages on it (wrong I know, but I was still messed up) to try and find out how she was really feeling about me and the breakup. I read a message where she said she was already kind of seeing someone. This killed me. We had only been “officially” broken up for two weeks and she was already over me enough to see someone else. I burst in on my mother and her and called her a “cheating slut” and showed her the phone. My mother talked me into leaving the room and calming down.

 

Later when my girlfriend came up stairs she was clearly shaken at my stupid outburst. But she assured me that nothing serious was going on, I don't know if I believe her, but I had to simply take her word for it. I asked why she was ignoring me all the time and she said she was not.

 

She contacted me the next day and said sorry for how she acted and said she still does want to be friends and that we would talk again at the weekend. At the weekend I just got a brief text message saying we would “talk” again soon.

 

This was kind of my turning point. I had already decided on steps I wanted to take to make myself feel good about me again. But with that text message I was now angry about how she was treating me. I started to get some pride back and feel that I was a pretty good person again. I no longer wanted to wait near my phone in case she text me. I didn't want to play the part of the good ex who is still there for her. This was when I finally got rid of the knot in my stomach.

 

I had replied back to her text with her vague “we'll talk again soon” saying we could talk again at the next weekend. I felt I needed to take charge and not be waiting on her whims. The weekend came and I sent her an e-mail.

 

I told her I was sorry for things I did or didn't do. That I am starting to see who I want to be. That I accept our breakup. I wished her luck with her work and life, and told her not to push herself too hard or get upset when things were difficult. I told her to do well and be happy.

 

And that brings me to now.

 

I was feeling pretty good all week, but once the weekend came and I had to communicate with her again I felt that knot in my stomach return a little. I now can't help but think about what she will make of my e-mail.

 

I have accepted we are no longer together and that she might even be seeing other people. It hurts, but I accept it. I still love her, but not in the same way. I would like to try and get back together with her some day. I know it would be different and we would be starting the relationship again.

 

I'm not sure what I am asking. I think I just need some advice, pointers.

 

Sorry if I didn't really describe things very well. It's hard to try and keep things short but relevant. If there is a question you have, please feel free to ask it, and thanks for reading.

[SBHook]

I'm going through a break up myself too. So I feel your pain However from the way your girlfriend was acting before I could tell there was the possibility of her having met someone indeed. I've been there once too. I started being a little disinterested in my former boyfriend when I started hanging out with the new guy -- even though I had a huge amount of care and love for my former boyfriend. He was a really nice person and I didn't want to hurt him. However, I understand that I only became attracted to another guy because there was something missing from my then relationship. Whatever it was. If you two were to work things out together, you'd have to figure it out what it was. It maybe be hard for her to deny her feelings for this new person, but I don't think it's impossible for you to win her again if you two decide that's the right way to go. Don't give her too much space, otherwise she'll go straight to his arms. Show her that you will fight for her. Improve yourself. That is, if you receive signs from her that she's open to that too. ;-)

[Elle1975]

Don't give her too much space, otherwise she'll go straight to his arms. Show her that you will fight for her.

 

I have to disagree.. you don't know what you have till you lose it. She would need to genuinely miss him and if he sticks around, she won't and he will come off at needy.

[SBHook]

I have to disagree.. you don't know what you have till you lose it. She would need to genuinely miss him and if he sticks around, she won't and he will come off at needy.

 

I know exactly what you mean. I would agree in any other situation. However from my own personal experience, when my former boyfriend did not fight for me, I went straight for the other guy I was being flirty with. If he had fought for me a little, and we had worked things out, I would definitely have sticked by him. I'm sucker for loyalty. But no, he accepted it was a lost battle already and "walked out" as soon as he got confirmation I had a new friend. :-(

 

However each case is different. Of course most of the times the best decision is to keep our dignities and cut off contact. That's good advice too. But I see some scenarios in life where people keep playing games and not fighting for what they really want and missing out on good things in life.

 

And you'd have to know how to play it. You can't be in touch with someone all the time, begging to get back together. You'd have to take the high road and become an interesting person. And then if you get to have a real talk with them, make your intentions clear, that you want them. And if they say that they don't know, walk away, they'll certainly be flattered concerned your interest and wonder why you're no longer courting them anymor. But what do I know.

Edited April 20, 2014 by SBHook