Lovemm Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 I've been been with my fiancé for 4 years now. We've been engaged for the last year and 5 months. In January of this year I noticed him being more secretive, distant, and he put a password in his phone for the first time ever. I asked him if anything was wrong and even asked flat out if he was cheating. He said no. Beginning of February I was using our shared computer and came across a backup from his phone that included pictures of his dick that had not been sent to me, and text messages to the girl who I suspected he would cheat with if he was. I packed my bags and went to live with my mom for 2 weeks. The girl is someone he works with who is ALSO engaged. He says they were sexting and that they only ended up kissing once. It's a really long story...but he continues to see her at work everyday and they have the same friend group. He even continues to text her and snapchat her, although he denies it's inappropriate. The reason he cheated is because he was becoming unhappy in our relationship and felt that I was being too controlling and demanding. I will be the first to admit that I have been very hard on him in the past. We have talked and talked and he says he wants to be with me, wants to marry me. Yet he is still seeing this girl almost daily and spending time with her outside work in a group setting. The reason in struggling so much is because my fiancé is such a wonderful guy (or was) up until January. He's never been an *******, I thought he wasn't like other guys. The last 3 and a half months have been absolute hell and I have no idea what my next move should be. Some days are awesome and feel like nothing ever happened, and other days he's still distant and I'm depressed and can't forget what he did to me. I don't want to demand too much from him (like insisting his phone be unlocked and not allowing him to go places is she will be there) because that kind of thing is what made him unhappy and resentful and drove him to cheat in the past. I just don't always get the feeling that he's sorry and from my point of view he isn't doing enough to reassure me and build up my trust and confidence again. What do I do?! Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Of course he wants to marry you!! You let him walk all over you. He is thinking, "I can cheat our entire relationship and she won't do a damn thing." If he was remorseful or willing to change he wouldn't be still talking to this girl, or hanging out with her (I'd be ****ing LIVID about this). I hope you gain some self esteem and leave this user. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 I've been been with my fiancé for 4 years now. We've been engaged for the last year and 5 months. In January of this year I noticed him being more secretive, distant, and he put a password in his phone for the first time ever. I asked him if anything was wrong and even asked flat out if he was cheating. He said no. Beginning of February I was using our shared computer and came across a backup from his phone that included pictures of his dick that had not been sent to me, and text messages to the girl who I suspected he would cheat with if he was. I packed my bags and went to live with my mom for 2 weeks. The girl is someone he works with who is ALSO engaged. He says they were sexting and that they only ended up kissing once. It's a really long story...but he continues to see her at work everyday and they have the same friend group. He even continues to text her and snapchat her, although he denies it's inappropriate. The reason he cheated is because he was becoming unhappy in our relationship and felt that I was being too controlling and demanding. I will be the first to admit that I have been very hard on him in the past. We have talked and talked and he says he wants to be with me, wants to marry me. Yet he is still seeing this girl almost daily and spending time with her outside work in a group setting. The reason in struggling so much is because my fiancé is such a wonderful guy (or was) up until January. He's never been an *******, I thought he wasn't like other guys. The last 3 and a half months have been absolute hell and I have no idea what my next move should be. Some days are awesome and feel like nothing ever happened, and other days he's still distant and I'm depressed and can't forget what he did to me. I don't want to demand too much from him (like insisting his phone be unlocked and not allowing him to go places is she will be there) because that kind of thing is what made him unhappy and resentful and drove him to cheat in the past. I just don't always get the feeling that he's sorry and from my point of view he isn't doing enough to reassure me and build up my trust and confidence again. What do I do?! What do you DO - ?! Holy crap, you really have to ask? Gather all his clothes up, put them in a metal bin and set fire to them. Gather all his belongings and distribute then to charity shops all over town. Every single thing. Post pictures of him all over town with the caption: "Cheater - still sees her, and has no remorse - Douchebag!" Or if the above seems too extreme, simply - leave him. Walk away. No, don't walk - run. Damn fast. in the opposite direction, and never, ever look back. Sweetheart, be the best thing he ever had who got away, not a simpering submissive doormat he can walk over for the rest of your life. He cheated, and always will, because - he can. You're letting him. Please, please, please: End this, and dodge the bullet. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Nibbles Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 that included pictures of his dick that had not been sent to me, and text messages to the girl who I suspected he would cheat with if he was. Who does that? Take a picture of your cock and send it over SMS? This guy must be REALLY good to have fooled you for this long if he's doing stupid **** like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 I don't get how cheating is not an absolute deal breaker. LEAVE HIM YESTERDAY. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mangetout Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 OP this is a tough decision for you but this happened to me two years ago. My ex fiancé cheated on me with a one night stand with an ex of his. It started off with coffee with her and one thing led to another. The relationship ended and for five months he begged, cried and pleaded to give him a second chance. He wrote letters to my family to express his remorse, apologised to my friends. Did councelling to better himself....etc etc If he had blamed that one on me I would have never given him a second chance. If he doesn't show remorse then he WILL do it again to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 What's the upside of staying? You are going to end up miserable & in divorce court. Get out now. It's so much cheaper financially & more importantly emotionally. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 (edited) The title of this thread is a joke right? It just boggles my mind that people are just so willing and eager to take someone back who has cheated on them. I truly do not get it. Short of physical abuse, cheating is the worst thing a person can do to their partner. The sheer lack of loyalty that comes from cheating pisses me off so much that there is no way on this Earth I'd be able to be friends with a person like that, much less be begging and pleading for them to take me back. I mean, you aren't alone OP, there are a ton of people like you on this site with problems setting boundaries and with little self-esteem, but that's the one thing I just could not forgive and forget. You cheat, you're done. /rant Edited April 17, 2014 by Simon Phoenix 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovemm Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 @mangetout Did you take him back? Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 @mangetout Did you take him back? Who cares? Her guy isn't your guy. Out of all the advice, you circled back on this because it gives you hope that just because mangetout took him back then you should do the same? Don't compare your situation to another person's situation. The fact that he shows no remorse is a sign he doesn't give a shytt about your feelings and HE WILL do it again. Unreal. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovemm Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 I'm absolutely scared! I'm not afraid to be alone, but the thought of being without him is scary. I really appreciate the replies, everyone! Short of leaving him, I feel like my next step should be to explain what I need from him and tell him if he cannot do those things for me, then I'm finished. The list would include not going anywhere outside of work where she will be, leaving his phone unlocked at all times, not responding to any messages, posts or snapchats from her but also not deleting them, and if he is on the same crew with her again next fall he will have to switch crews or move to a different yard. (They work for the city doing roadways and snow removal in rotating shifts. They were on the same rotation this winter which is when this all happened. They will be on different crews for the summer.) He will resent me for asking for all these things, but if he promises to do as I ask and actually DOES, then I would not be demanding, jealous or neurotic anymore. I need all those things from him in order to gain my trust back. I realize that no marriage should have secrets or things hidden from each other, so if he won't do those things for me, I owe it to myself to leave. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 (edited) Being without him is scary? But being with him and not knowing what he's doing behind your back isn't? Living with constant insecurity isn't? Not knowing what STD you could contract because you don't know if he's sleeping with other women or not isn't scary? It isn't scary that you will always be looking over your shoulder? Next step? A cheater that doesn't feel any remorse doesn't care about your needs. What aren't you getting? If he has no ability to see what he's doing is wrong, he has no ability to apologize and change for something he consciously feels entitled to do. You don't tell a man that you need him to stop cheating and if you have to do that, you have seriously leveled your standards to zero and you have seriously lost your self-esteem. Who wants to be with a man that has to live by a do-not-cheat list? If you have to give him a list to stop him from cheating, what is that telling you? What are you not getting? And trust me, the more you control, the more he's going to retaliate and the more he's going to go against what you desire because you controlling him isn't going to be in your favor. Like a mother following after a child, you will have to be on alert if he is straying off the list. Who lives like that? You have this all backwards. And sadly, you're settling. Edited April 17, 2014 by Zahara 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 You really think that you won't be neurotic, jealous, or demanding if he succumbs to your "requirements" THIS time around? Do whatever you want. You will anyway. I'm sorry but you're never going to MAKE him stop cheating. If he does stop it will be because he has no access to her vagina anymore. And then I bet he'd find another girl, or multiple. Why not put spyware on his computer. See how deep his lies go. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 The reason he cheated is because he was becoming unhappy in our relationship and felt that I was being too controlling and demanding.! And what do you think your list of demands are going to do? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sooshi Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Leave him. If you stay, this will end very badly. A broken engagement is preferred to a broken marriage. He has been cheating on you and has shown no remorse for it. He doesn't care about your feelings or respect you. You're letting him walk all over you, and he will continue to do so if you remain in this relationship. And if not, he'll find something to be resentful about and leave you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 I'm absolutely scared! I'm not afraid to be alone, but the thought of being without him is scary. I really appreciate the replies, everyone! Short of leaving him, I feel like my next step should be to explain what I need from him and tell him if he cannot do those things for me, then I'm finished. The list would include not going anywhere outside of work where she will be, leaving his phone unlocked at all times, not responding to any messages, posts or snapchats from her but also not deleting them, and if he is on the same crew with her again next fall he will have to switch crews or move to a different yard. (They work for the city doing roadways and snow removal in rotating shifts. They were on the same rotation this winter which is when this all happened. They will be on different crews for the summer.) He will resent me for asking for all these things, but if he promises to do as I ask and actually DOES, then I would not be demanding, jealous or neurotic anymore. I need all those things from him in order to gain my trust back. I realize that no marriage should have secrets or things hidden from each other, so if he won't do those things for me, I owe it to myself to leave. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovemm Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 Why not put spyware on his computer. See how deep his lies go. He doesn't have a personal computer; everything is on his phone. I realize setting requirements isn't the best idea, but I'm hoping that if he does what I ask and then sees me more relaxed and easygoing because I'm happier, the resentment will fade. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 (edited) For heaven' sake...are you not reading any of the advice? Why are you with a man that needs to live by a list to stop him from cheating? You won't be more relaxed, easygoing or happier because for the rest of your days you will be looking over your shoulder. You will be anxiously checking his phone. You will be nervous when he is late from work. You will be doubtful when he's in a bad mood. You will question when he's off in a corner on his phone. I want to shake you, but god if I could knock you upside the head to wake you up. And get this, if he's disrespecting you this way, chances are he doesn't give a shytt about your list. He may say okay to appease you but he'll do it again. Edited April 17, 2014 by Zahara 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovemm Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 Okay, I get it! I feel crappy enough without you making me feel worse... Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Your relationship is built on the premise that you are controlling and demanding...since he has established that, ask yourself why you feel the need to be that way? My guess is that you are very intuitive and you know he wants to do things a single man would do. Resentment will happen to both of you, you because he isn't remorseful for doing something that broke down boundaries in your relationship, and him because he will feel you are demanding and controlling if you put down any requests for transparency. You can't change him and you can't ignore your intuitiveness. He is a cheater. Bottom line. This is his character. Every time in your relationship he feels you are being unfair or demanding, he will feel justified in punishing you by cheating. Is this really the kind of man you want to raise children with or give your commitment to? Best, Grumps 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Okay, I get it! I feel crappy enough without you making me feel worse... If that is what it takes for you to get it, then I'm glad I drilled down and made you feel crappy. Maybe that will get you to remove those rose colored glasses you have on. But the thing is you don't get it. You're in so much denial. You came here thinking that you would get support in terms of staying with him and this silly list you came up with. Every piece of advice that was given prompted you to hit the road but you circled on one poster that gave you a little bit of hope and then lost sight of everything else and started clinging on a list. I've been with two cheaters in my life. I know what it feels like. If you're coming here for advice, sit back and read it and try to digest it. This is not about a guy that leaves the toilet seat up and it's driving you crazy. This is about a man that cheats on you, shows you zero remorse -- a man that can and will damage you for the rest of your life or however long you may be with him. It's serious and no one here wants to aid you in making a bad decision for yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
seekingpeaceinlove Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 The fact that you're waffling on whether to stay with an unapologetic cheater points to deeper issues you have within yourself. Where is your self-worth? On top of that, you somehow figured that ratcheting up the very demands, which made your fiance stray in the first place, will be a solution to salvaging the relationship...with an unapologetic, caught-red-handed cheater. EH? Your fiance should be the one on his knees apologizing, offering solutions on how to repair your broken trust, vowing to never cheat again...the list goes on and on. Nope. He got caught. He blamed you. He lacks remorse. Stay? If you enjoy feeling insecure in a relationship, cheated on, lied to... Link to post Share on other sites
mangetout Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 OP it's been an emotional roller coaster since my ex fiancé cheated on me. Two years later and i am still feeling the aftermath. I cannot tell you the amount of times we have split up because of the consequences. It's hard work!! To rebuild trust is damn hard work. If you want to regain trust again then he HAS to feel genuine remorse. You cannot even start trying to trust if he blames you. please please please gather strength and walk away from him if he blames you. He could have discussed his unhappiness with you and given you the chance to improve on it.but instead he decided to hurt you. He has to show remorse. Walk away if he doesn't because he will definitely cheat again because he has no guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 He doesn't have a personal computer; everything is on his phone. I realize setting requirements isn't the best idea, but I'm hoping that if he does what I ask and then sees me more relaxed and easygoing because I'm happier, the resentment will fade. So he cheated on you, has shown little to no remorse about it and you are worried about whether HIS resentment will fade? Reading everything you are writing just makes me angry. How you can have such little respect and self-regard for yourself frustrates me. I don't know who made you this way, but they did a number on you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Okay, I get it! I feel crappy enough without you making me feel worse... So when you marry him and become Mrs Doormat, how crappy will you feel when he cheats on you AGAIN and flaunts his dick in public, yet again, yet soothingly pats you on the head and says "you knew this about me, when you married me so get over it, my little floor-mop!" That will sure feel good in comparison to our advice, right? RIGHT? Sure it will. Link to post Share on other sites
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