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ex gf dumped me; i started no contact; but she keeps calling me; should i ignore her?


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Old 7th September 2004, 5:59 PM   #1
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ex gf dumped me; i started no contact; but she keeps calling me; should i ignore her?

Hi there. This is my first post so forgive me if i'm stupid. i really appreciate any help/insight you guys might have.

So my girlfriend of 3 years (friends before that for 2 years) just dumped me around 6 weeks ago. Her reasons were that she feared i was the last (and only) guy she'd ever be with, she needed to become more independent and find out who she is, and i think the fact that she just transferred into an exceptionally good college (only about 15 miles from where i live) ultimately influenced her to dump me (because there are probably tons of very intelligent guys that go there so she can test the waters). bottom line is i was not dumped for cheating or treating her bad at all.

at first i did the whole begging thing and all which obviously failed. but then i quickly stopped that and just was a nice guy/friend to her. but we never hung out, she didnt want to and wasnt ready. so i granted her that. well she just recently moved into college and does not know anyone yet and is really lonely and depressed, so guess who gets the phone call saying "hey i think we should hang out; i havent seen you in a while"? ME. i held off but eventually caved in because i love her so much and hate to see her lonely. i expressed my reservations about doing so though because i feared it would just bring me down and screw up any "moving on" i had done. but i caved in ultimately and low and behold; i became bummed out again. just am so in love and it hurts to know it's not returned. so ultimately; i told her after that that i cannot be her friend anymore because it just hurts me too much.
i will now post you an email she sent

email:

after today's conversation i was really bummed. of
course i was sad that you said you couldn't see me or
talk to me again, but that was compounded by the more
upsetting fact that i couldn't argue with you about it
without feeling guilty--because i know you are right.
i shouldn't expect anything from you. hopefully i
will quickly make some friends once school starts.
maybe that will soften the blow. however, i want you
to know that it wont ever completely heal it.

i kept running through this one snippet of time in my
head today. it is an atlanta memory, which you
probably don't remember because you were asleep for
most of it. anyway, i just remember a long night of
partying with my girl friends. i
was so wasted and tired. my friend kelly and i drove back to
your apartment together and we talked about how her boyfriend
was such a dick to her and how, despite that fact, it
was still hard for her to get over him and whatnot. i
gave her whatever advice i could in my inebriated
state, but what i really remember about it was this
overwhelming feeling of calm because i knew i had you.
my rock. my love. i stumbled up the stairs to your
apartment and opened the door. i hopped in the bath
tub for a few minutes and then i came into your room
and snuggled under the covers with you. i just
remember it was the best feeling in the world. your
smell was so familiar, and your skin was so soft when
i rubbed your back, and you made a little squeak noise
that somehow escaped, though muffled, from the pillow
your head was buried in. i couldnt be happier just
lying there with you. it is hard to recap a memory
that is mostly a feeling, but i just wanted you to
know how safe and content you made me feel, and how
happy i was to have someone and something like you in
my life. i know i wont be seeing you anymore, but i
wanted to say that i am sorry for the things i said
today. as you know, i dont hate you. i love you.
you aren't nothing to me. you are everything to me.
maybe some day we will get to play some music
together. that would be the ultimate reunion, right?
and even if you aren't there for me, i am there for
you. always. if you ever need me just call.


so basically appears that she is going to accept me request to never speak or see each other again. well the followiong day i get five phone calls from her all of which i ignore. ultimately she leaves a voicemail just sounding real bummed out and all that jazz. and she's like "im sure you are out with your new girl blablahblah" - basically like feeling down. she concludes the message saying "have a nice life".

so the next day she doesnt call me at all until 2:30am the following night which i ignore. then she sent me one more email:

i feel like it is a little unecessary and almost mean
to just cut me out of your life as if i never existed.
i know we can't hang out but for god's sake, maybe
you could at least email me back?? i feel like you
died or something. it sucks. i am miserable. i know
andy is telling you what to do but i honestly think it
is a little extreme that we can't even communicate
over cyberspace. i had a dream last night that i went
to this play, and for some reason your brother
went too. you brought him there. when i spotted you
guys, you literally just bolted. ran away. i ran
after you for like 15 minutes but then i lost you.
honestly, i really did dream that. anyway...i always
have these images of you just hanging out with that
stupid anne girl and hooking up with her and that she
is your new girl friend and im not even worth talking
to. i hate it.

so basically my question is WHAT DO I DO???? i love her to death and would love to be back with her. she wants to have her cake and eat it too...ie explore other guys, but she wants me to be there as her rock when times are tough for her and she needs someone she can rely on. i say screw that! not fair to me. but should i at least communicate sometimes? is it too extreme that i ignore every call she makes and never respond to her emails? she called me once today again and i ignored again. please help.

one other thing she said a few days ago was "there's a chance some day we will be back together". but obviously i cant sit around waiting and just being bummed. should i continue just cutting her out of my life completely?? thank you all for any insight you guys have. it means a lot.
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Old 7th September 2004, 6:21 PM   #2
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I feel, based on what you've written here, that you are doing the right thing. You are trying to move on. This was all fine and dandy with her until she got lonely herself. That's not your responsibility. She isn't asking for you back, she's asking you to be her emotional support until she finds someone new, is what I get from those emails. She wants to hold onto you for herself, not because she loves you but because she's having a hard time being single again. I agree it sounds like she is trying to keep you dangling, don't do it.
I'd keep ingoring the phone calls and if necessary, change your number, (yes a hassle but in the long run sometimes less painful than listening to all the voicemails.) Change your email, while you are at it, if its not too big of a pain, OR you can just filter her email address to go straight to the trash.

My two bit opinion based on past experiences with people who break up and then try to hang on until they have someone new. So annoying.
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Old 7th September 2004, 6:47 PM   #3
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Re: ex gf dumped me; i started no contact; but she keeps calling me; should i ignore her?

Quote:
so basically my question is WHAT DO I DO???? i love her to death and would love to be back with her. she wants to have her cake and eat it too...ie explore other guys, but she wants me to be there as her rock when times are tough for her and she needs someone she can rely on. i say screw that! not fair to me. but should i at least communicate sometimes? is it too extreme that i ignore every call she makes and never respond to her emails? she called me once today again and i ignored again. please help.

one other thing she said a few days ago was "there's a chance some day we will be back together". but obviously i cant sit around waiting and just being bummed. should i continue just cutting her out of my life completely?? thank you all for any insight you guys have. it means a lot.

You're pretty upset right now. Try not to take what we say the wrong way. We'll try to help you.

I think continuing to ignore her is extreme, & maybe rude as well. First, "No contact" does not mean being a d**khead. It means not initiating contact, & being cool, calm, & cordial when & if she does. Not being mean, hateful, etc.

You're right, it probably isn't easy.

If you aren't going to get back together, then you do need to move on. Could you be "just friends" for a while? if no-contact is the only way, then so be it. You need to explain that to her, gently & carefully. Remember what you each once meant to the other, & the feelings you once had. Just tell her that at this time, you need to move on with life, & with things the way they are between you, it's simply too painful for her to be calling, e-mailing, etc.

Whether there's a chance of getting back together remains to be seen, but acting immature is a certain way to kill whatever chance there is.

By the way, i'm not trying to bust your chops or anything. I know you're hurting. Anyone would be. Nothing wrong with feeling that way. It's how you act on your feelings that gets you in trouble or makes you look silly.
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Old 7th September 2004, 6:57 PM   #4
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thanks for your insight so far!

yeah i feel like completely ignoring her is mean too and extreme. i hate doing it. obviously i want to talk to her etc. but i feel like even just talking to her hurts me. also my strategy (if there is one anymore) is that by completely ignoring her, she may no longer have any hint of me being there for her as a friend and giving her emotional support, etc. i think it almost takes complete removal of contact in any way shape or form, to make her realize how great i was to her. because if i continue to return her calls or email her, then she will never truly realize what she misses or what she had. she will continue to take what i have done for her for granted. i dont know. she has called me 2 times today and i havent answered. i may email her tonight late. any ideas as to whether or not this is a good play> and also what might be a good thing to say to her? thank you guys!
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Old 7th September 2004, 7:19 PM   #5
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I am in the exact position you are in. We split up and she still calls me and I take the calls when I can, cause I have my own life too, but I still want her too realize what she had in me. I know that your girl and my girl know what they have in us and what they have to lose but how do we get them to want more again. This is a major struggle for me too. I take her calls cause I cant stand the thought of being rude to her or mean. I want to do the right thing, while still doing my own thing, in order to give me the best chance to get her back. I know what you are going through and I feel for you. Wish I had some answers.....I might years down the road for the next guy.
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Old 7th September 2004, 7:40 PM   #6
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Why not just tell her the truth and impose a time out. In other words, tell her you need some space to deal with lingering feelings before you can be there only as a friend. Right now, it's too akward and a little painful to be part of her life. Part of you has motives and it's not fair to you or her for you to have these lingering emotions.
So, tell her not to contact you for a couple of months and see where things are then.

I think this is a decent approach. It's honest, it tells her that there is a loss on her part because of her decision, and you come off looking a lot less dependent and a little more confident. It also tells her that you have accepted her decision, are moving on, but can't as long as she keeps contacting you; and, when you come out from the other side of the moon, you do intend to reestablish the friendship.

But, what you are really telling her is S*** or get off the pot! Can't have it both ways. SORRY!!! :-)

She wanted her space, now she owes you yours.
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