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I broke NC and Ex wants to retry


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I have been doing NC for a while and my ex contacted last night for a chat. This is what he said in a nutshell:

The space is doing him good.

He is attending therapy as he wants to change into a better man.

He is still in love with me and misses the life we shared together

He is hoping that we could retry once we have both sorted out our issues. But accepts that I won't be waiting for him and accepts that we both may not want to retry either.

He would like to see me ( if I am comfortable with it) to rebuild our friendship

 

Our history:

He cheated with a ONS. He confessed the day after. I dumped him , then took him back five months later because he showed remorse. We did couple councelling and tried to rebuild. But we fought a lot as I had the odd triggers and his sex drive suffered. We basically had sex twice in over a year. The more I got upset with our sexual issues, the more he suffered from performance anziety. Viagra, testosterone etc didn't help.

He ended it last November because he couldn't make me happy and he felt he needed space.

 

So five months later this is what he says. Not sure what to do.

Edited by mangetout
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We arranged to meet in about a months time as "friends". He says the only way we have a chance to reconcile is to rebuild our friendship. He says he would regret it if we never tired again in the future, but accepts that it may be the case.

 

 

Am I being manipulated here? Do I have rose tinted glasses on still? Should I just go back to NC permanently?

 

 

Someone please knock some sense into my head. God why does love turn me into a stupid woman.

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letsplaygofish2

I don't know why you would think you're being manipulated? I think that waiting a month to connect is very mature as it allows you time to think about what you really want.

 

I replied on another post that people are capable of change, learning and accepting responsibility for errors in their past. I wouldn't advise you to jump into anything so quickly, but rather take things slowly and work on your friendship.

 

I know of a guy who is separated from his ex-wife, but they are actively working on their friendship without any expectation. Your ex might have preconceived notions about reconciling, but just be honest about your fears and dreams. Let the communication begin and see where it goes. You're very lucky that he realized his way :)

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Thanks for replying.

 

 

I think what I will do is see how I feel within a month as I am feeling very vunerable at the moment.

 

 

I dont want a situation where I am upset when he leaves.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Sigh. I crumbled yesterday and sent my ex a text after 11 days of NC ( we broke up last nov). I don't even know why I did this because I wasn't really missing him. Anyway he was really pleased to hear off me. It was my intention to keep the conversation light and he was the one who started talking about how difficult the BU has been.

 

Then he called me later and we had a really good catch up . " Can I call you again later this week?" He asked.

 

I woke up this morning annoyed at myself as I knew I wasn't ready or wanting a friendship off him. I sent him another text to say that I made a mistake, that I cannot be friends and it's best we didn't carry on talking.

 

His response surprised me! He misses me, misses what we had, wants to retry but wants to do it very slowly by rebuilding our friendship first.

 

I ought to be over the moon but I am not. Something has changed within me.

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They say the NC is about self healing. This is so true! I can look at this very objectively now as I know I am strong enough to live without him.

 

I will approach all this very very slowly

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Infact I will carry on with NC and let him do all the chasing. I won't even think that it will work out.

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Maybe he won't chase? You say you feel differently towards him now? Why don't you just block him completely and move on?

 

Or do you think you might feel something maybe still?

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He cheated on you. Then you broke up with him, got back together, then he ended it. This has to stop because it isn't a healthy relationship.

 

Stop talking to him for now, maybe you could be just friends but after a lot more time than a month.

 

And the thing that you arranged to meet with him in the future puts pressure on the whole situation and gives you hope.

 

Stop what you doing and start NC, block him and move on. IT'S OVER.

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I think you need a lot more than 11 days if NC before you consider any type if friendship or another go at the relationship. This would be a third chance right? He cheated on you. None of this sounds particularly healthy.

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Marco Valerio
Infact I will carry on with NC and let him do all the chasing. I won't even think that it will work out.

I think David87 and BC1980 are right. We have suffered of cheating in our relationships. I gave my ex GF another opportunity and she only cared to make it up for a couple of months, after then it was more of the same ****. Look mangetout, I did more or less what you have done. We broke up on December 2013, I went NC until two weeks ago where I decided to send her a message saying I had already got over her and we could be friendly. I should mention, that she texted me in January and February and I responded her back. In January she said she was feeling lonely and sad, I responded her “it’s the consequences of your decision”. In February she texted me asking for a T-Shirt she gave me as a present, I said no and we got into a terrible discussion about the RS. I went back to NC for a month.

So I contacted her two weeks ago saying that I had move on (but I haven’t moved completely) and we could be friendly to each other, she answered that she wasn’t prepared after the discussion we had in February.

Mi idea is: you have to be completely sure what you want and what is the best for you, then the basis is to re-start from being friends again. But you have to be completely sure you can handle it. Remember THEY don’t deserve the opportunity because the cheated on us, but if you feel there’s more to be done…then be careful and go step by step.

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Also important is that he says you can try in the future. That is a third chance based on hope and assumptions. My ex said similar things. The last time we talked he actually said that maybe we could try in a few years. Saying things like that means that they want you as an option should their current plan not work out. It has little to do with him actually wanting to be with you. If he really cared that much, he wouldn't have cheated.

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Ex just sent me this email.

 

 

"mangetout”. I know I don’t deserve your attention but it was so nice to hear from you yesterday.It bought back so many memories. I miss you so much. Us being apart has been so painful

 

I know you are very sceptical about bringing me back in your life in any shape or form and this is very understandable with the way I have treated you in the past. I know I don’t deserve to be even heard but I need to let you know what I did was the biggest mistake in my life. The biggest stupid mistake in my life because I ruined the best relationship I will ever have. I will never get back what we had and I have to live with this every day. I still cannot believe how stupid I was. For some stupid ten minutes i threw away ultimate happiness and hurt you beyond believe

 

I am still ashamed.

 

I just want you to know that I am still doing therapy. Its really tough to open up as i don’t talk. But its good to be honest and it is helping me so far.I am determined to be a better man as i am so tired of disappointing myself and other people in my life

 

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You and your son gave me true meaning. I always knew that but was too stupid in the past.I took it for granted

 

I hope one day you will see that and give me another chance. I would like to prove to you that I want to be a better man. I am sorry

Edited by mangetout
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Marco Valerio

As always, actions speak louder than words. If you want or feel there's a chance of getting back toghether, take it slow, there's no need to rush. But if you are not completely sure of taking him back in your life, you should go NC forever. People can change and they can also regreat their bad decisions, but their actions should prove it (there's a saying in spanish that I love "Actos son amores y no buenas razones")

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Your mistake was your text. It was a breadcrumb and now he's reacting to it because he has hope. Go back to full NC if you really have no intention of getting back together, which I wouldn't advise either.

 

While mails like these are oh so flattering, they're just that. Words. I could write you a PM with a similar message just like anyone else who's capable of typing, writing and reading. Don't give it much thought.

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Your mistake was your text. It was a breadcrumb and now he's reacting to it because he has hope. Go back to full NC if you really have no intention of getting back together, which I wouldn't advise either.

 

While mails like these are oh so flattering, they're just that. Words. I could write you a PM with a similar message just like anyone else who's capable of typing, writing and reading. Don't give it much thought.

 

I do want us to try again... Only if it's right for me.

 

I will take this slow. My walls are up and my eyes are wide open.

 

My rose tinted glasses are off. Let's see what happens

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I do want us to try again... Only if it's right for me.

 

I will take this slow. My walls are up and my eyes are wide open.

 

My rose tinted glasses are off. Let's see what happens

 

It's up to you if you think the investment is worth is, no matter the outcome. Yes, people can change, but you just have to be fully aware that it might be a complete waste of time. I would not hang around too terribly long without real evidence that he has changed.

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It's up to you if you think the investment is worth is, no matter the outcome. Yes, people can change, but you just have to be fully aware that it might be a complete waste of time. I would not hang around too terribly long without real evidence that he has changed.

 

Yes I do realise that it could be a waste of time. But I will take it slowly and not rush into being a couple overnight. It's going to take time to rebuild what has been damaged.

 

I will update this thread later in the year.

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The main issue that drove us apart was his lack of sex drive after he cheated. But I can also see how my screaming tantrums didn't help in that situation.

 

We will see. I know I can live without him so the fear of failure is no longer an issue

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Update. We met yesterday and spent the entire day together. He also stayed the night and left this morning to go to work.

 

 

Boy did we talk. We discussed ways of tackling our past issues in a different light. There was a lot of love and respect for each other.

 

 

I feel very positive about this

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It seems like it comes down to what you want. If you want to give it a try, go for it. Slowly and carefully. People do make mistakes. Who can say "I have never done any mistakes?". I mean good for all those people if they haven't, I know I did a bunch.

 

Like I said, it really seems like the ball is yours.

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Update. We met yesterday and spent the entire day together. He also stayed the night and left this morning to go to work.

 

 

Boy did we talk. We discussed ways of tackling our past issues in a different light. There was a lot of love and respect for each other.

 

 

I feel very positive about this

 

Great! May I suggest maybe couple therapy? Or something similar? Unless you feel confident everything is fixed, or will be.

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Hi Ellie,

 

 

He is doing IC which is hopefully helping him. No I am not confident things are fixed as yet hence why I need to go slow on this.

 

 

But so far so good

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mangetout

Well that was short lived! Didn't even last two weeks.

 

 

We had our first disagreement early this week and he doesn't even want to work it out. In fact he has gone NC on me since yesterday. He has dumped me again because he has decided that we have too many issues. Well the ahole knew that so why the hell come back into my life again. All the talking we had about resolving our problems with a different approach was all hot air from his side. He has run off like he always does. Very one sided.

 

 

The idiot has serious commitment issues.

 

 

So folks I feel like absolute **** today. Angry, peeved off, sad again.

 

 

Christ I need to get off this rollercoaster.

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mangetout

He has my house keys and he has left his personal belongings in my house. Very expensive clothes and jewellery.

 

 

I have asked him numerous times to make an arrangement to drop off my keys etc but he has completely ignored me for the past two days.

 

 

So do I completely ignore him if he gets in contact later on? Change my locks ( expensive ) and give his clothes to charity instead?

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