Friendzoned, and won't give me a chance.

[DiscoFever]

Hey guys, I'm just looking for some help here.

 

I'm not particularly a bad person, but I've always had a bad run with girls. This past year in May I started dating this girl, she was everything I could want for in a girl and so we connected pretty much instantly, things turned sour quickly when miscommunication issues arose and her jealous friend intervened, thus we broke up in September, but she was the best girl I had dated and I knew if some time passed, if we dated again it would be a much stronger stable relationship.

 

Things were rocky until October, we would only talk some hours a day but she would mostly try to talk to me but around November she started opening up, conversations went on for a little longer, and she took a little more interest as she noticed how much effort I'm putting in to be a better/new person overall even a close shave where I felt she was interested again, then just turning away and saying "I'm scared to get close to you again", so went back to being simple friends and stayed like that, November and December helped us get closer inch by inch.

 

Before I go any further I'd want to elaborate on something further in the past, 2 years ago she was raped by her first boyfriend, she met a guy 2 years prior (So technically 4 years ago) and he was her closest and to date oldest friend, he was there for her a lot but they never were on a close basis, just simple friends that talk time to time. I found out sometimes they were on a close flirty basis, but nothing more. (I also met her a few months after her rape, it happened in August 2012 I met her December 2012)

 

Throughout the prior months, she got immensely close to this guy, but where as he said he liked her one day he would drop her the next for another girl, so yes a player, and a good one at that. They were on and off for months, usually when he went she would take a little more interest in me but it was normally longer conversations she didn't take more interest as a whole.

 

In mid January, I felt me and my ex were on a good friends basis, we talked about how and exactly why we did things which caused the end of our relationship (and that's when she found out about her jealous friend messaging me saying she was cheating) and I feel got some closure from that and became closer as individuals, however then this guy she then said "He's not hiding away from his feelings anymore" and bam, they were in a online relationship. I kept my cool, kept quiet did everything people had told me to do, but she warmed up to me oddly, then it came out they were having some "issues" and she was having doubts.

 

Sometime early-mid February, they broke up. She showed me a message he sent her that said "Look I can't do it anymore, I still want to be friends you deserve better" blah blah even saying he's got a bad past and "did bad things", then suddenly the next day, deleted her off everything and was in a relationship with another girl. My ex was obviously angry as on her Skype there was a lot of angry messages, then after a few days she started flirting with me a hell lot more, even joking about fond memories we had, jokes we shared, things we did, I was taken by surprise.

 

Was there more I could of done? Sure, but I was lost in that moment to really take back and do much, but around Mid-Late February I said to her I liked her, she was so taken and I felt she was happy I told her that, I felt like I made her world complete again, but not for long. 3 days later, he messaged her. He gave this whole "I'm nothing without you" "I want to be your baby again" ********. But I noticed she became off towards me, she usually becomes much quieter when her mind is troubled.

 

A week later after the off behavior saying she's had trouble sleeping (Which I'm starting to think was false) we texted after she came out from her therapy class, saying how she would want to see me everyday not just once every few days "If something was to happen" (Btw I'm 23 miles from her, this guy is 170 miles away upcountry) and even saying that she's just not ready for a relationship, but then things degraded from there, she continued being off even after she said she's sleeping better. (By this time it was mid-march)

 

Now April, this week I noticed in my news feed there was more posts about her posting to his wall and likewise commenting on something he posted on hers with a heart on the end, I knew something was up but kept quiet. Two days ago, she put up a status saying she's got rid of her braces and he commented "My baby girl <3", I subtly asked and she said they are just close friends, what we were when he wasn't there. Yesterday, it came up in my newsfeed they were in a relationship, I didn't really take it too kindly.

 

She messaged me and after noticing I wasn't replying to her messages, said "I hope I've not ****** you off " and regrettably, I said she did. I won't go into detail what else was said except how she dropped me to him, lied to me blah blah blah.

 

Then I woke up to this message: "I am really sorry ____ for everything i really am. I swear that i only just decided on that today and i was going to tell you i really was. I really wish me and you had worked out i really did but just things got the best of me and just everything and my argument with ella i had didnt help matters. I do really want to go back to being close friends with you, be my best friend because i love having you around you make me smile and laugh and i love you like my best mate. Ive told you so much stuff that no one knows because you are the one person i trust the most and still do. The reason i didnt tell you things was because i just didnt want to tell people and keep it to myself, it really wasnt a personal thing snd im sorry if that made you feel like ****. I still care about you so much honestly. I want you to be happy with someone who deserves you, i hope your hand gets better, i hope your work apprenticeship goes amazingly and you get a job out of it, i hope you are always okay and there is never a day i dont stop thinking like that, because ____ i honestly love you like my best friend"

 

So, yeah, then I knew I was deep in the friendzone. I messaged her back and we exchanged some messages, still with a hostile vibe. It ended without real word and I plan on leaving it now, as this guy is a player I doubt they'll last long even how he screwed her over before, they'll crack in time.

 

My plan now is go strict NC, delete her on facebook, then leave a message saying talk to me when you want me to be more than a friend to you, or something, still trying to think on what's really best to say.

 

Ideas guys? Apologies for the long story.

[mangetout]

Definitely a good idea to go NC and delete her out of your life. She has been messing you around for far too long.

 

 

Send her a final message. Say you have let this go and no longer wishes to to be friends. She knows the score with you so there is no need to elaborate further

[DiscoFever]

Will do bud.

 

About a hour or two ago I sent the message, hopefully that gets through to her, but I can't help but feel a little off about doing this to someone I do care about, but I'm not letting myself get made into her little lapdog any longer.

 

The chances are this relationship with this guy won't last, he's never been able to stay put with girls especially how he cheated on my ex for a new girl, so chances are she'll come back in time, weather I'll accept her back has to be determined.

[BC1980]

Will do bud.

 

About a hour or two ago I sent the message, hopefully that gets through to her, but I can't help but feel a little off about doing this to someone I do care about, but I'm not letting myself get made into her little lapdog any longer.

 

Going NC isn't about trying not to hurt someone else or punishing them. It isn't about being mature or any other nonsense. I see those excuses all the time on this board, and I used them myself. I stayed in contact with my ex for 4 months because I didn't want to hurt him or be a bad person. I didn't want to deny him my friendship, and I wanted to stick around on the off chance that he changed his mind.

 

You will never heal if you stay in contact. NC is so essential, but it's difficult to do for the first few months. You have to genuinely want to heal and move on for it to work.

[chados]

So her friend said she cheated on you and you don't believe it? Correct me if I misunderstood . If that's the case I think you should take a good look at yourself, at her behavior and think again. Chances are she actually cheated.

 

Whatever someone says when they break up. Don't listen to it. They don't want you to feel bad. The reason she broke up is because a loss of attraction. Young people always think there's something better. And I assume that you are young.

 

I don't think they will last. The reason she didn't choose you is most likely because you put her above yourself. She knows she can have you whenever she wants. The attraction first comes from how a person looks in most cases. Then to keep the attraction you need to have as much respect for yourself as you do for her. If you want someone back, unfortunately an answer like "you hurted me bad" is not going to help you. An answer like no why would you think you hurted me is gonna be much better. Because then she knows you don't need her to be happy.

 

And I personally would have felt better if someone treated me liked that to just say no I don't care about this. But I do think you should move on. Whatever the answer was or could have been. Just think about yourself cause that's what she's doing

[FrostBlaze]

I am so sorry for you, the exact thing happened to me, except i didn't give her as many chances as you.

Take it from me, she will never want YOU. She only want's you when there isn't anything there, as soon as a replacement comes, you are out.

 

When she will come back, and she will.

You will likely take her back again, wich will end in you being broken hearted again.

What you need to do is never talk to her ever again, she has no RESPECT For you, trust me.

Taking her back will only show her how weak you are.

 

Mine did the same bull****, also said she would of loved to work it out with me, or "if it wasn't him, it would of been you", bahaha.

That's bull****, if it was YOu she wouldn't second guess herself, she off's you the moment that guy decides to take her back.

[DiscoFever]

BC1980: I do understand the rules of NC, It's to help give yourself breathing space simplistically, I don't intend to use it as a way to get back at her because I'm not for revenge to be honest.

 

I've told her earlier I don't intend to be in contact any longer, If we cross paths who knows, but I'm going to live my life my way.

 

Chados: I know fully well she never cheated, her friend has a tendency to make up stuff like she tried to convince her I had many other girls on the line, which early on in the relationship made everything a hell lot more awkward because I really didn't.

 

I had to learn that the hard way, but not particularly by her. I'm 19 and she's just turned 18 in February if that helps.

 

I agree, I feel that's where I went wrong because I prioritized her help over mine, I put her first and unfortunately, that's what didn't allow the attraction to build. Nor do I, he's self absorbed and lives 170 miles away upcountry (We all live in England by the way) plus he cheats and uses girls far too often, it's only going to be a matter of time before he does the same to her.

 

I agree buddy, trying to prioritize her isn't going to help, I'm my own being like I was before I met her, sure I made mistakes but I've learned from them, I've already told her I don't want anything to do with her and deleted her, but if we cross paths in the future who knows.

 

FrostBlaze: Unfortunately my heart got the best of me at times, but I am happy I'm putting a stop to it now at least than to keep being screwed over by her at least.

 

In other news after we broke up we never really had a period of NC, If anything she kept initiating conversation every so day weeks after then that evolved into being friends, but if I need to burn bridges to make myself find inner peace, then I will.

Edited April 5, 2014 by DiscoFever

[chados]

I would go so far and say they almost always initiate contact. No dumper wants to leave on bad terms. This doesn't mean they want you back. This is when you need to say no if having contact makes you feel like you can't get over her. I think you should let go and think

About yourself. You never know in the future but most

Of the times it's best to not get back together.

[DiscoFever]

I would go so far and say they almost always initiate contact. No dumper wants to leave on bad terms. This doesn't mean they want you back. This is when you need to say no if having contact makes you feel like you can't get over her. I think you should let go and think

About yourself. You never know in the future but most

Of the times it's best to not get back together.

 

I agree, I would think she would initiate contact for comfort or string me into being a rebound, but I'm going to use my time in NC to redevelop myself and not be allowed to be used by her again, I do not think they will last too long anyway.

 

Right now that's my goal, I've deleted her off of everything this morning and I plan to set myself free and do what I want to do, be a upgrade of my former self so to speak and if she comes crawling back, I'm not going to take her back.

[DiscoFever]

Speaking of the devil, she just sent me a text.

 

I was online just doing my usual business, then she sent me a text that reads: "I know you said not to talk to you, but I just want to say goodluck with your interview on friday! :-) nobody deserves it more than you do! X"

 

Talk about mixed messages, or mega friendzone. I've not responded back to it, and It's been about a hour now, I don't plan on texting back.

 

Breadcrumbs perhaps?

[Simon Phoenix]

Yes, it's breadcrumbs. This chick sees you as a platonic buddy. You aren't attractive to her because you are easily available and because she knows you'll do anything to be with her. The other guy keeps her attention because he is a challenge. You are a sure thing, an easy mark. Do not respond to her.

[DiscoFever]

Yes, it's breadcrumbs. This chick sees you as a platonic buddy. You aren't attractive to her because you are easily available and because she knows you'll do anything to be with her. The other guy keeps her attention because he is a challenge. You are a sure thing, an easy mark. Do not respond to her.

 

Acknowledged, I have realized perhaps my behavior towards her was quite kiss***ish, I've backed away and I don't plan for that behavior to continue.

 

I don't plan this cycle to repeat, I'm keeping my distance then when/if she contacts me again I'll keep NC, I'm not really planning on taking her back or being her little lapdog, I'll take it as it comes.

[Simon Phoenix]

Acknowledged, I have realized perhaps my behavior towards her was quite kiss***ish, I've backed away and I don't plan for that behavior to continue.

 

I don't plan this cycle to repeat, I'm keeping my distance then when/if she contacts me again I'll keep NC, I'm not really planning on taking her back or being her little lapdog, I'll take it as it comes.

 

Taking it as it comes is what has gotten you in this mess to begin with. Stop leaving yourself outs. Unless she aggressively and overwhelmingly states that she's made a mistake and that she wants to be your girlfriend, there's nothing for you to "take as it comes".

[chados]

There's nothing wrong being nice in a relationship. Don't become someone you're not. The thing is to make her know that you don't need anyone to make you happy in life. You want something but you don't need it. I'm far from perfect but I am being overly nice to my girl sometimes and I do spoil her. But I also let her know that she is being messy. She's overreacting at small things etc. when she gets mad which is rare I tell her " if I'm right" that She's wrong. If she continues I tell her that I'm not gonna listen to this and walk out of the room. She knows she's wrong and ends up apologizing.

 

Small things like that is just a way to show that she's not my boss. I'm not afraid of getting confronted.. I'm not crying or yelling. I'm being calm and explains that she's acting like a baby. If however I'm wrong and I did something bad I apologize.

 

 

Whenever you let someone walk over you they're gonna take that to their advantage. Imagine a friend telling you to do stupid things so he won't get in trouble. He's not gonna think you're cool. He's just gonna think that you're handling his problems. Don't treat a girl with more respect then you would towards a friend or especially yourself.

[DiscoFever]

Simon Phoenix: I agree there, by how I stated I'll take it as it comes I wouldn't mean I wouldn't think ahead to avoid getting put back in this cycle, I know she is toxic and I plan on keeping far far from her from here on out.

 

Chados: I had to learn that the hard way, but I do understand now to not let myself succumb to kissing her feet all the time saying she's right, because at times she is wrong like all of us, I stood my ground to her before admittedly not much.

 

I thank you for the opinions you two, I know where I went wrong and I understand now what to do if she initiates contact trying to snuff be back into any form of friendzone again, I won't let that happen.