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I don't know that to do?


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I have quite the dilemma. Here's my story.

 

I was introduced in 2010 to a beautiful, smart and funny woman that had no interest in me romantically. We went on one date but she wasn't ready. I remained friends with her for two years but never a kiss or anything more. I had a Christmas dinner December 2011 and asked if she would like to go. To my surprise she did but I had no expectations. The dinner went fine and she actively pursued me until January 12th. Now the story takes a different turn...

 

Due to an incident at the office I worked extremely late and to my surprise she offered that I sleep on her couch as opposed to making the one hour drive home. I did and we took our friendship to a much different level. I told her prior that I was inline to be moved with my job and that embarking on a relationship would be pointless. She persisted and we collectively made a life altering choice.

 

Three weeks after this encounter she contacted me to let me know she was pregnant. My breath was taken but I managed to tell her all would be fine. We could date and get to know one another until the baby was born at which point we would hopefully be ready to make something more lasting of the relationship. I notified my company I would not move and then the drama began.

 

For a month things were fine and we shared our surprise and happiness with our families but she then began to change. The change was not subtle but rather immediate and finite. She informed me to walk away and never look back. She excommunicated me and my family. I spent the balance if the pregnancy lost and alone. My family and I were heartbroken. As the due date approached I sent my prayers and hopes to her with no response. She moved, changed her number and vanished. What was I to do?

 

I hired a PI and an attorney. They found her and she was forced through the legal process to submit to DNA testing. At 4.5 months her mother convinced her to let me see the baby. At 5.5 months the DNA showed that I had a new son. She refused to allow contact so I fought in court and won. I have my son three days a week and I am so proud to be his father. At 39 I never thought it would happen for me!!!

 

During the first month of my sons life (when I hadn't met him) I met a woman and we began dating. She stood by while I fight for my son and when I finally had my day in court. She helped me immensely in the beginning but as my son has gotten older she has voiced consistent displeasure with my time mgmt. it seems that if I mention him she has resentment. While all if this has taken place my sons mother appears to have dealt with her demons. She now pours it in thick everyday. She has cried more tears then I can count and apologized countless times. She wants me back. We started six months ago by rekindling our friendship and that is where it has remained. I know she wants me back but I am not a cheater and would never act on it. My dilemma is this...

 

I love my son more than anything. He is the live of my life and I want to be with him all the time. However, I don't completely trust my feelings for his mother because of all the hurt she caused me and my family. I don't trust my Gf because of her growing animosity about my son. I just don't know what to do. End the relationship? Give my sons mom a second chance? Forget them both? Become a lonely old man? I am so torn.

 

If you read all of this and feel a desire to reply I would appreciate your thoughts. Thanks

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Ur son is you life you say. Thank God you now have him. Any other person is dispensable. You say your new woman's only shortcoming is the seeming resentment for your son talk to her and let her know that there will be no compromise on him. If she can learn to love him good if she can't then let her move on nevertheless you have to give her her time too. There has to be a balance. Finally what do you really want and God help you its not your sons mother

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One: Dump the new chick. She has no right to impose pressure on you.

 

Two: keep the mother distant, and only communicate on matters relating to your son, nothing else. Entertain no other form of engagement or communication at all.

 

Sorted.

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lollipopspot

I think you need to leave your current GF and try to make it work with your son's mother, especially as she isn't supportive of your role as a father.

 

When you have a child, that's where your commitment lies, especially at this young age. It's unfortunate that the mother reacted as she did, but if she's ready to try now, take the opportunity. Your son deserves his parents trying to give him a stable family. He doesn't need the resentful step mother or father. The very best thing for him would be if you two can make this work.

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FierceFoxie

As a single mom, I suggest dumping the current gf. My guess is she doesnt have children and your son is quite young and requires more attention and love now.

 

Regarding the mother of your son, I dont want to blame hormones for the majority of her actions but honestly she was caught in a whirlwind of them; finding out she was pregnant, pregnant by a man she didnt know very well, pregnant outside of a committed relationship. Whoa, she had alot of burden she was carrying there. Not to mention going through the pregnancy alone without the support of a partner. (Not blaming you, just want you to maybe see things through her eyes to explain some of the perceived craziness.)

 

Alot of her running off as she did can be due to her doubts. She probably felt it would be wrong to force a relationship for the sake of a child.

 

Now that she has seen how much you fought for your son and how much love you have for him, perhaps she is seeing qualities in you she didnt think you had. You have been attractive to her by your actions.

 

I see nothing wrong with trying to get to know her and see if the relationship is salvageable or if there can even be a relationship. Dont do it for your son's sake, I would never ask people to force a relationship for the sake of a child or children. In a perfect world that would be ideal but having parents that hate one another and force the relationship is also not healthy for children to see.

Edited by FierceFoxie
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I just can't see how trying sometin with his sons mother is an option first she has not in anyway indicated that she is interested. Secondly she had enuf time to calm down and she still put you through hell. Don't go there

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  • 2 weeks later...

The basic premise, the theme, runs through all responses though.

 

Dump the current GF, focus on your child, and make him your total primary and sole objective.

His mother will have to sort her own head out; you just keep her at arm's distance until she gets her cells in line....

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I have elected to be alone and have told both women that I am not going to Pursue any relationships. Let me clarify something that I don't think I accurately portrayed. My exgf loves my son and accepts him. She is completely resentful of his mother though. She busts my chops every time is have to be around my son if his mother is there. She was cheated on by her ex and it caused her to have some self confidence and trust issues. My sins mother is a former model and absolutely beautiful which presents a problem with my now ex gf. Maybe I didn't do enough to let her know she was holding my heart. Regardless I broke up with my gf and have decided not to be with my sons mom until I know what my heart wants for sure. I have a void in my heart that is tearing me apart but I will stay the course because I have to make a final decision.

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I think I have figured something out. I am the one ruining my relationship with the current gf. I have over committed myself to my sons mother because I feel if I am not there to solve her problems I am walking away from my son somehow. Do I stay there to help his mom to hover over him or do I go to a woman that has the potential to love and care for me unconditionally?

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learning_slowly

Only you can choose, & only you can feck it up.

 

If you could not afford a PI, you may not even know your son. So in my eyes, moms out.

 

The ex gf needs to be told of your worries. Imagine taking on a child that was not yours? I think that's a big step in itself. I wouldn't do it down to my selfishness and wanting my own genes to go forward.

 

To me you'll find it hard to get somebody that's perfectly ok with you already having a child, as it will take them a while to get to know it, let alone love it, as you do.

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